You Are Sin

I journey the world in the heart of its mind,

chaos breaching and anger seeking,

its pushing my thoughts away for a torturous kind,

allowing the world with its need to control,

to watch me bleed in the pool of my soul

 

Tantilizing how my screams fill the world,

the anguished melody of my soft voice,

calling for freedom with words menacingly curled,

scarlet red lips so moist,

along with my tears of scarlet crimson,

innocently leaking from sombern eyes,

soaking into the worlds evil lies

 

Just trapped in a world where my blood runs thin,

from constantly pouring out to the worlds hateful sins,

As I cry from the stabs to my heart,

you should be pleased that I take it all in,

 

you are the world,

and you are sin.

Author's Note

now what do you think? Honesty please.

Reviews

[Breekachu Locke]

As I read through this, I noticed that it was a bit scattered. Kind of like you wrote it in a rush. You're really good at producing strong emotion with strong descriptions, but I think the point of the piece was lost in the process of upping the shock value. Poetry is a story, in a different form perhaps, but a still story. I like your idea and aim, but work on clarity a bit perhaps

[Charles]

I'd give you an A...

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

The sense of meager attituse is in complete contrast to your soft message of anguish and solidity, this may well be aparent but it slacks the flow, a brilliantly written piece however, well done, good read.

[Charles]

I thought it was beautiful. But I can be critical, if you like.

the anguish melody of my soft voice> i think anguished would pen better.
the second stanza lacks the balance of the first. the rhythm of the first stanza was perfect and the metaphors were blended together better than i caught upon first read.
the third stanza hits a great metaphor again (the blood runs thin...be pleased that i take it in) but you should always try to be concise. always use as few words as possible to make your point.

This was really nice...