Chapter 1

Chapter 1

 

 

 

The smell of the paint was nearly gone yet it still managed to shake awake my damn migraine. I’d be alone for at least another hour before anyone else would show up so I had time to start putting things in their place. The kitchen was up first and then the open floor plan led me to the calm green living room; arranging books and DVD’s…in alphabetical order. Movies by title and books by author and then by title. Shelly would absolutely go insane, and not in a good way. So, I suppose I should only do that to my stack.

 

I let the furniture be so that we could decorate the space together and then went down the hall, past the half bath and first and second bedroom to the third door at the end of the hall. The wood floors felt too soft beneath my feet and the white walls in the hallway shone too brightly. Maybe I could convince Shelly to transform the white into something more soothing. Once I opened the door to my room, I stood there with an apathetic face. Twenty-six years on this planet and there were no more than 4 boxes before me; two of which solely contained books drawings, the other two- clothes.

 

I pulled my curly brown mess that believes itself to be hair in a ponytail, rolled up my blue sleeves again and began to extract my life from the cardboard waiting for me on the wood.

 

“You’re going deaf, my dear!” What the? I held my breath as I turned to see someone who isn’t supposed to be here, let alone have a key. As he turned down my Broken Iris, he spoke again while I continued to cover the bed with sheets. “I’ve been knocking like crazy.” I smiled, somewhat pleased that I had managed to annoy my big strong cop.

 

“I didn’t hear you.” I went toward him to grab my pillows then pointed to my ears as I head back to my queen bed. “Going deaf, remember?”

 

“Hilarious. Really.”

 

“Thanks. I try.” I smirked at him and he squinted his eyes back at me. His hair was quite a mess as well. Ben’s dirty brown hair had grown shaggy and in his eyes now. I’m a fan of long hair though so I don’t mind the look. But he’s a cop. I wonder how long it will be before they make him over. As he went over to the custom window seat I convinced my landlord to allow me to have and Luke volunteered to build, I asked him a question I was pretty certain I knew the answer to.

 

“So, would you like to explain to me how you got in?” His quizzical face tickled me and I giggled as he scratched his newly growing beard. It was still short but that’s another odd look for him. He never goes two days tops without shaving.

 

“Are you really asking me that?” I gave him nothing but the back of my head and silence. “You didn’t lock the door. So I turned the knob and walked in.” I didn’t lock the door?

 

“Seriously? I left the door unlocked? No way.”

 

“Yes way. I didn’t put in three different locks for nothing.” I fluffed the pillows and smoothed out the navy blanket and plopped dumbfounded on the bed.

 

“I must have forgot.”

 

“Where’s Shelly?”

 

“You’re a cop aren’t you?” He ran his hand through his hair and sat down, leaning against the window. The sun was far too bright for the August afternoon so I kept squinting when I looked in his direction. He threw me a look and I redid my ponytail.

 

“You look fine.”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Shelly should be here in about half an hour.” I rolled my eyes with a smile.

 

“Why didn’t you just go see her at work?”

 

“Who says I wanted to see her?” Now I was the one with a question mark on my face.

 

“You just asked…never mind.”

 

“Don’t play match maker.” I laughed but he seemed too rigid.

 

“I’m not playing anything. But you’ve been alone for a while now.” I lied back and stared at the dust falling in the ceiling. I heard him sigh, stand up and plop beside me.

 

“Laeli, Astrid was a long time ago but…” I turned my face to his but his eyes were preoccupied on the wayward dust. “Time doesn’t signify beginning.”

 

“Ben, I didn’t mean for you to start dating because of how long it’s been since your last relationship.” Not entirely at least. I looked back at our friends in the air and felt his gaze on me now.

 

“Then what is it with your constant quips about Shelly?” I faced him and now his brown eyes were in mine.

 

“I don’t always tell you to go for Shelly. There’s been Tanya and Nicole and Megan. She was pretty.”

 

“So are you.” I had to chuckle…as soon as I caught my heart.

 

“Now you’re the comedian? Don’t quit your day job.” I sat up then and then stopped in the doorway. “I just want you to be happy.” We were silent for a brief second as he stood up. “I’m gonna order some Chinese, you want?”

 

“Uh, sure. But this time, Li, don’t hog all the sweet and sour pork.”

 

“Blurb.” I grabbed my cell and called our order in. “Yes, and could you please add a second order of sweet and sour pork please? Yes thank you. Bye.” Ben had taken off his jacket and was sitting on one of the stools in the kitchen. He gave me a thankful but teasing glance but my heart dropped when I saw something creeping up from under his black collar.

 

“Ben, what is that?” I knew exactly what it was of course, but I hoped, as always, that I was wrong. He knew I referring to the crazy purple bruise inching its way up his collarbone immediately and the atmosphere shifted. “Is that why you’ve been AWOL this week?”

 

“I haven’t. I spoke to you two days ago.” I grabbed my purse to get the money ready for the deliveryman.

 

“You were in the hospital.” I sighed and shook my head, pissed. “Why didn’t you f*****g tell me?”

 

“And what good would that have done, Laeli?”

 

“Are you kidding me?” My hand fell to the cold counter along with a few strands finding a new home in my eyes. I couldn’t look at him anymore, or hide my tears, so I left the room.

 

“Li.” His voice was scratching me and just as he grabbed my elbow, the front door began to rustle. Shelly was early. I looked at him and took my arm back.

 

“Hold on Shelly. I’ll let you in.” I said trying to conceal my cracked voice and blinked my tears away like the pro I had become.

 

“O.K.” The door opened, I said my hello and walked to my room “Uh, what’s going on?”

 

“Nothing.” Nothing. He told her nothing. B*****d.

 

“Are you going to lie to everyone now?” I walked back.

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Me?”

 

“Ok, someone tell me what happened.” Shelly was in the doorway as Ben and I stood in front of her; my arms across my chest and his stupid hands in his slack pockets. It then that I noticed the scrapes on them.

 

“Dumb a*s here was in the hospital and bothered to tell nobody.” There was a moment of silence but Ben’s eyes were screaming. Shelly glanced over at Ben with concern and I could tell she was nauseated by the possible images that were running through her mind. She was going to say something but Mr. Wonderful opened his mouth instead and it was then that I realized something else. The beard he was growing was to hide the scrapes and scabs. I could see them now, now that I knew what to look for.

 

“What happens to me is my business, you understand?” Shelly couldn’t say anything or didn’t know what to say, so I spoke for the both of us.

 

“Go to hell.” I walked back to my room and heard the front door slam and mine followed.

 

“Laeli?” The door opened slowly but didn’t give me enough time to wipe my tears away. “What…why are you so upset?” I shook my head, thinking she’d know already. But, I took in a breath and told her anyway.

 

“It’s annoying Shelly. If one of us were in the hospital you know damn well he’d be on our asses if we didn’t tell him.”

 

“Yeah I know. But he’s a cop and---“

 

“Knowing too much can be dangerous, blah, blah, blah.” I stood up and undid my ponytail as I leaned against the wall by the window seat. But Ben wasn’t the only fool annoying me now. “If he wasn’t a cop, you’d date him. So, why don’t you just screw the fact that he hunts down the humanly impaired and be with him?” She started laughing.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Nada. Chinese should be here"“

 

“Why do you think I want to be with him? That’s ridiculous.”

 

“So, you don’t want to be with him?”

 

“No.” Not a very convincing response but the only evidence I had to support my case was my gut.

 

“Ok. Sorry. I guess I was reading too much into it.”  She twirled her auburn red hair over her shoulder and the light showcased her tired face. Still, her light brown eyes held a spark. No doubt for the Chinese coming our way. She’d knock out after wards though. There’s another twelve-hour shift in the E.R tonight. I went to the bathroom as Shelly went to her room to change. I thought then how messed up it was how I met Ben. I had landed a job at Ben’s police station working as a victims’ counselor, mostly working with rape victims. The city of Chicago is great until you see the aftermath of what its citizens do to one another.

 

For some daft reason, the captain decided to have Detective Benjamin Delaney take me under his wing. I’d go with him and his partner Detective Jack Moore to pick up victims from the hospital. I’d counsel them and prep them in a way, for the interview with the cops. Well, about three months into this routine, Jack’s wife got pregnant for a second time and he called it quits. Ben’s yet to find another partner. This was six months ago. Anyway, three months after we met, a domestic violence abuse victim was in the same hospital where Shelly works. It was in that moment, when Shelly locked eyes with Ben, that I knew she was smitten.

 

I was filing in my tiny office one evening when Ben walked in and leaned against the doorframe. We’d been friendly till that point. He’d offer to take me to lunch and even took me home whether I needed it or not. Like I said, captain’s orders. But this evening sorta cemented us as friends and not just co-workers.

 

“Hey. Ride?”

 

“Um, no thanks, Detective. I’ll catch the bus. I still have a few more files to put away. Thanks, though.”

 

“Can I help?”

 

“Uh, not really.” Not that he listened to me of course. We talked about the day and how he tackled down a junkie who was selling to 8^th graders and I told him a bit of my day.

 

“So, what’s your boyfriend do for a living?” I laughed.

 

“I’m not certain, but he is very skilled at being a boy.” We both laughed and it was easy. “We're not together anymore but last I checked, he was in construction. What about you?”

 

“Astrid?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“That’s over.” I suddenly stopped filing. If I had learned anything about Ben it was that he loved this woman more than anything.

 

“I’m so sorry, Detective.”

 

“Don’t be. She and I, we just didn’t fit anymore.” I nodded my head and continued to finish my work. “Aren’t you going to ask why the relationship ended?”

 

“It’s none of my business Detective.” He stopped filing then, resting his arm over the file cabinet.

 

“I’ve told you to call me Ben.” I put the last two files away and turned to grab some things from my desk. “I told her I met someone else.” At first I thought he cheated on Astrid but he doesn’t fit the profile. Then it hit me. He met Shelly not too long ago. He must have fallen for her badly if he ended a four-year relationship just for a chance to be with her. I grabbed my cell and my coat but Ben just stood there in front of my desk.

 

“Do you want me to ask you who the girl is?” He chuckled at my words.

 

“I want to know what you think.”

 

"About you leaving Astrid for someone else or about the girl?" He cocked his head slightly and raised his eyebrow. I shook my head as I held my workload against my chest. “It shouldn’t matter what I think of your decision. But," I said with a half-smile as I had all my things ready. "I will ask you one thing.”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“Does she make you happy?”

 

"Astrid or the girl?' I cocked my head this time and he chuckled airily. He smiled, took my case files from me and as we began to walk out of the still buzzing station, he answered me. “More than I ever expected.” Once in his god damn 2011 black Ford Mustang, he asked me why I was still single. Not that I told him I was but he’s a cop…who drives a f*****g Mustang. B*****d.

 

“Love and I have an understanding.” I smiled as I looked out the window, trying no to tear up. Ben laughed.

 

“Oh really? And what understanding would that be?”

 

“As long as it stays away from me, I don’t kill it.” Suddenly, whatever rock song playing on Q101 became far more than white noise.

 

“You’re joking. Come on Loren.” I

 

“I’m very much not joking.” I faced him as we came to a red light. “I’ve had two relationships. One perfect and chaotic at the same time and another, most recent, up and down constantly. No stability.” I took a breath and he pressed on the gas. I made sure I had a smile on my face and a light tone despite the awful jagged pieces digging in my chest. “Both fools were something less than what they were before they met me.” I threw in a laugh. In truth, this was pretty comical. “I’ve learned my lesson.”

 

“So what if someone was to ask you out. You’d deny them?”

 

“Have you met me? That wouldn’t happen. That, in itself, is a great improbability.” He gave me an annoyed look. “But," I changed my tone to appease him. "if the laws of physics were to change in my favor..." I looked at him and as he turned his glance to me quickly, I turned my head again to the window and said, "I’d say no.”

 

“What if you cared about them?” He said far too seriously, but I only laughed.

 

“Especially if I cared about them.”

 

“No kids then?” His tone lightened a little.

 

“Nope.”

 

“Sex?”

 

“Women are a lot stronger than men.”

 

“So you’re telling me that you’re content with living your life alone and childless?”

 

“Yes. No. I’m not content because I want to be. I’m content because I know I have to be. Like I said, we have an understanding.” I became a little somber then. “What happened to the others, I couldn’t bare to put anyone else through one second of it.”

 

“Sweet and sour pork.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I’m starving. I know a great Chinese take out place. They have the best sweet and sour pork.”

 

“Oh. Ok then. Just drop me off at the next train station and"“

 

“Jeez Laeli. You’re coming with me.” Oh.

 

“Oh. I just thought"Look I know Captain told you to watch out for me and all but, you don’t"“

 

“Ms. Loren, shut up.” He chuckled and turned up what turned out to be one of our favorite bands, Broken Iris. Then it hit me that he wasn’t taking me home or helping me file or treating me to Chinese take out because he was told to be my mentor. He was doing it because he was my friend. My best friend.

 

Ten minutes later, the doorbell rang and the smell of sweet and sour pork did a number on me.  I was hungry but I also couldn’t bring myself to eat or even taste much of the food when I knew Ben wasn’t eating anything.

 

As we sat on the living room floor with our indoor picnic, the constant picking at my pork and noodles finally got to Shelly, who had been eyeing the bookcase. “Would you just kiss and make up already? At this rate you won’t be done with your food until Christmas.”

 

“Could you drop off his food on your way to work tonight?”

 

“I would actually but my shift starts at 10 tonight not 11. Why don’t I drop you off at his place.”

 

“How would I get home, Shelly?” She gave me a stupid look. I wasn’t about to have him take me home and I wasn’t about to stay over. We’re not having that again. Saw a little more than I ever wanted to see. I’m scarred for life.

 

“I don’t know Li. I’m going to knock out though.” She left and I checked my cell. It was 2:30 p.m. and it was a lovely Saturday afternoon in August. What am I supposed to do now? I could drop off the food while Shelly’s asleep but I know Ben. He’ll still be fuming.

 

“Why don’t you take the food over there while I’m sleeping?” Great minds think alike I suppose.

 

“I was thinking that. But, I doubt he wants to see me right now anyway.”

 

“Why do you say that?” She was in her sweats and was wearing the customized wife beater I made her for her birthday a few months back.

 

“Because I don’t want to see him.” She drank some water and left but not without telling me something I was waiting for.

 

“Thanks for leaving my stack normal.” I saluted her and she disappeared into her bedroom. I packed the food away and channel surfed for a good half hour. Nothing was on. Finally, I swallowed my pride, grabbed my purse, the sweet and sour peace offering and the keys to Shelly’s truck and opened the door. I opened the door only to see Ben at the bottom of the staircase. He looked at me a moment then stepped outside. I put Shelly’s keys back, locked the door and followed him outside.

 

When I stood outside the front door, somewhat confused as to the image of Ben standing beside the open passenger door, I saw that he realized what I had with me and what my mission was. I was offering peace through food. I wonder what his tactic will be.

 

“Come on. Get in. I want to show you something.” As I went towards him, I waited by the car, the door in between us.

 

“Before or after we eat.” I said with a white flag smile. His was gray.

 

“After.” The drive was quiet for about ten minutes. The radio wasn’t even on. His cell rang three different times in those ten minutes and after the first caller I.D check, he didn’t bother with it.

 

“Who keeps calling you?” I wasn’t sure if I should have asked that but I needed to break the silence.

 

“Nobody.” There you go. I turned my attention to what was soon to be Lake Shore Drive when he spoke. “It’s Ferris.”

 

“What if it’s important?” Ferris was another detective.

 

“He’d have left a voicemail or the station would have called. You know that.” I did. Nervous chatter anyone? Ten more minutes of silence and it was becoming clear that we were going near the not so Michigan Avenue part of downtown Chicago. We parked by what looked to be abandoned buildings and I couldn’t recall seeing much of anyone here. Ben got out of the car without a word and after a minute, so did I. I stayed by the car; my hands in my pockets staring at the back of Ben’s head fifteen feet away.

 

“I was in pursuit of a 34 year-old male suspect who’d just beaten to death his 21 year-old girlfriend the night before.” He walked closer to one of the buildings. “I chased him on foot for ten minutes then tackled him right there. We fought, he used his tire iron, I used my fists.”

 

“Ben…”

 

“At one point, he hit me in the chest so hard, I coughed up blood and nearly passed out. He knocked me in the face then and I fell right there,” he motioned to the sidewalk that had a spot slightly darker then the rest of it. “Another slam on my back and then another on my collarbone. Then he kicked me in the stomach, flipping me onto my back.” My tears were in my eyes but I think they were too afraid to fall. “I couldn’t see for a minute because of the concussion and both our blood in my eyes. But when I heard him c**k the gun,” He stopped. And that was when he finally looked at me. “It took one second, Laeli, one second and he was on the floor.” We were quiet and as my tears finally defied terror, I turned my back to him.

 

“I don’t need the people I care about in my life to feel helpless. There wasn’t anything you could have done for me in that hospital and I would have done you no good showing you how fucked up I looked.” I wiped my tears away and turned but faced the building where he killed the murderer.

 

“So why are you telling me this? Is this your take on aversion therapy?” I faced him then. “Put these images in my head now so I won’t dare want to see them later?”

 

“No, Laeli.” He came to the hood of the car. “I told you this so you can understand.” He walked to the driver side, opened the door but before he did, “Just because I got beaten with a tire iron, doesn’t mean you have to.” My eyes shut as he vanished into the car. I got in a second later but as far as I was concerned, this conversation isn’t over.

 

“Knowing the world will end and seeing it happen are the same, Ben. I don’t like that you can’t talk to us. You don’t have to shield us from anything like that. Shelly and I both deal with it all the ti---“

 

“I’m not worried about Shelly.”

 

“Yeah, she’s an E.R nurse. Do you think my job is"“

 

“Damn it Laeli.” He raised his voice. He, he hardly ever raises his voice at me. “Call it whatever psycho term you want. I can’t, I won’t have you see me defeated like that. I’m the cop. The defender.” He looked at me and I was finally seeing what he was saying. “I have to be able to protect you. You and Shelly. I don’t need anyone to think that I’m the one who needs the protection.”

 

I didn’t say anything after that. I got it. A part of it was simply because he didn’t want anyone to see him hooked up to machines or bloody. Cop or not, I think the consensus is the same on that. Another part of it was that he simply wanted to shield us from the s**t in this world. The evil and the imbalance. It wasn’t about pride or ego or any hero syndrome. It was just that he didn’t want civilians to worry about the officer. It’s supposed to be the other way around. The same when parents try to shield their kids from sex and violence on television or when they tell us sweet fairy tales before bed to keep the nightmares away. Even if that meant that everything they’re protecting us from happens to them. They are the parent; it’s their job.

 

After five minutes, he turned on the radio and I noticed something a few minutes after that; he wasn’t driving in the direction of my apartment. “Hey, where are we going?”

 

“Has it been that long?” He laughed.

 

“Um, no idea what you’re talking about sir.”

 

“Lae, you know where we’re going.” Fifteen minutes of awesome music and easy chatter later, we parked in his condo’s parking lot.

Author's Note

not finished yet but would like to get feedback for what i have so far :) Let me know if the rating should change. It's currently Teen.