Letter To Leo

Dear Leo,

Today I had to say goodbye to you, it was so much harder than I ever would have ever fathomed. My heart aches that I was not there for you in life or in death. So many times I could of shown you affection but I was too preoccupied with that fact that we never bonded and appalled your physical aliments. I wish I could of go back and treat you with the love you deserved. You never asked to be taken into my life, you never judged me, you didn't hold it against me that the person who picked you out left and abandoned not only me but you as well. Some of it was laziness and some of it was resentment but I know I did not care for you as much as I could have, down right as much as i should have.

I can still picture the day that I met you. Walking up and seeing you in the cage, being the smallest in the bunch, bullied by the bigger members of your litter. How bright and orange you were, How my aunt laughed and said "orange cats are notorious for being trouble makers". Maurice picking you up and feeling bad for you being disadvantaged in size. Then saying yes we will take him, partially out of pity, partly because of how you made the person I loved smile. We took you home that day, You were given a baby blue blanket with puppies and kittens and you loved that thing. 

The first month or so you were so affectionate and loved to be petted and held. Then it came time for you go to the doctors and have your balls removed and get all your shots. They came and picked you up in a big white van and we were supposed to see you the next day. Unfortunately life and time got the best of us and we were late meeting your driver. So you slept in a cold lonely van over night, right after having surgery. When you finally returned you could only see us for a day before we had to leave for the weekend. So again you were alone, and tragically when we returned the sub pump had broke and the apartment flooded. We laughed and felt bad all at the same time because we could see your little paw prints on top of everything above the ground, as you tried to stay dry and off the soaked carpet.

 

You have a year or two with good care, with Maurice showing you love and attention while I grew further away from you. After awhile we found you a friend. A loving stray cat who our neighbors had beat and thrown out. We took him in and while it didn't go smooth at first... after a few loud fights you guys started to bond. There was a day when we returned from the store and you both were sleeping on the table, you had your head resting on the back of Sucio (who was wearing a cat t-shirt). It seemed you guys had found a way to become friends and love one another. Over time Maurice and I started to have fights, My guess is Sucio picked up on the hostility and maybe it brought back memories of him being abused because he lashed out on you and attacked you. Me returning to a apartment to seeing fur every where and blood on Maurices hand where he had to pry you guys apart. 

Things got worse and we had separated, you were left here with me, and I did not pet or show you much attention. I had Sucio who would seek out attention while you did your own thing, but even when you did want to be petted I would usually turn the other way. I fell into a depression and got lazy, and did not clean your litter box as I should have. You let me know you didn't like it by peeing on the floor. Still I was wrapped up in myself and didn't bother to try and fix it by switching litter, making things as clean as they should be. At one point you started to have blood in your urine. Not being able to afford to take you to the vet for treatment I contemplated putting you to sleep. This hurt even though we didn't bond much. That never happened because you got better, and I got better for caring for you. 

Sad to say I never got better for giving you the love all creatures deserve. In my mind you had another cat to spend time with and that was adequate. We eventually moved up stairs and you were so scared of the new place, just like you had been so afraid of new people since many people did not visit. You eventually tried to explore the place but were not allowed to go in my bedroom. I had this dislike for you and I could never figure out why. I thought about trying to find you another home where some one would be able to cherish you and bring mutual joy for not only you but the person who would be lucky enough to have you. After a over night trip with out me to my moms house, it soon became apparent that it was not an option. You were too scared to come out from under the bed, to eat, to drink, to use the bathroom. 

Over the last week you became really sick. The smell of your breath had went from bad to almost vile. You had black discharge from your eyes, and dark snot from your nose and had not stopped slobbering. you even wheezed when being gently squeezed. I placed you away in another room as to not get Sucio sick. There you spent your last 4 days alone. I would come in and pet you, and cry. I knew this was no life for you. You would shed like crazy because of the lack of being touched. When i tried to pick you up you screamed in pain. You barely ate, or used the restroom. I spent three days thinking what would be best for you.

Today I came to the conclusion that you were suffering, that prolonging your life to just exist as I am is not what any one would want. You are not able to say I want to die, I want to fight, I want to live. I put you in the position that I have contemplated in my own life. That you would just want your pain and misery to end. It hurt so bad to even bring my self to this decision. I just did not want you to die on your own, in even more pain and not being able to breathe. I held it together and got us a way to the vet. While having anxiety like crazy I was more worried about getting this over with, so you with no longer suffer. I let you out of the room and you walked around the house one last time before I had to put you in a bag to get you ready to go. 

You freaked out as always when being touched, But when i finally got you in the bag and started to carry you out to the car you calmed down. You didn't even freak out when you seen another person and we started to drive. You just looked around as I petted you. No crying and scratching and trying to get out as you did when you went to my moms. We got to the Vets office and I held you close to me as we waited in line. You seemed almost captivated by all the other animals in the room, and all the people. I don't know if it was fear or the fact you were so weak but you were the most calm I had ever seen you around other people. I paid for your visit and for the medication for you to be put to rest, and they asked if I wanted to be there while it happened, as much as I wanted to be I couldn't and said no. 

The tech came out five minutes later to get you. I warned him you would jump, but you didn't; you just let him take you away peacefully. They asked if I wanted the bag and blanket back, getting chocked up I said no. I sat there in shock for a minute wondering if I should wait for it to be done. I couldn't I left and two steps out the door I broke down and cried knowing that this was goodbye. As I sit here I am filled with guilt. Guilt of not loving you, not paying you attention, not being there when you parted from me and how f*****g s****y I made your life and how little compassion I had for you. It may be cliche but I hope you know you were loved, no matter how screwed up the love was. I know I loved you because my heart breaks when I think of you. I wish I would of said I am sorry and that I love you before you went. I wish both of our lives were different. I only pray that if there is an after life for you, that you are rewarded for always being there, even when I wasn't there for you. 

Author's Note

I am aware of my short coming with being a pet owner, Please do not point these out.