Dollfaces

picture perfect

Probably the most real, raw write I have done... Demons find a way of haunting whether we want them to or not..

 

 

Born into this world

another abomination

unwanted accident

in a string

of drugged out w***e’s

mistakes…….

broken spirit

behind

a pretty face. …

 

Cry yourself to sleep

no lullabies

to soothe

trapped behind façade

of a perfect family…..

shuffled from one home

to the next

the lies, disguise

lost innocence

on devil’s knee….

 

Destined to feel

unloved

learning NEVER

to trust

locked away

imprisoned

no key…….

put on your

DOLLFACE

no fairytales

for this

Cinderella

no prince

to rescue me…….

 

Just another

mouth to feed

reason to collect

precious check…..

pass me carelessly

one rat-hole

to the next

cruel joke I suspect…

 

Praying

There’s no God

…not for a girl

like…….. me

Santa can’t be bothered

no first kisses

prom dates

or school dances……

no sleepovers

passing notes

innocent romances……

 

No fairy godmother

to appear….

just pain and loneliness

festering

in frightened

fear……

 

Scared to sleep

of the dreams

that come

every night…..

always running

panicked

if I could just

become invisible

stay out of sight….

 

Guess it’s me

not worthy of

love and affection…..

try to be better

and yet still

feel the sting

of rejection….

 

Broken bones

hopeless heart

ever feel whole

again?...........

drowning in despair

planning escape

the beginning

of the

end…….

 

A bottle of

pills

a slit

of the wrist…..

just one less

damaged soul

who no one

will miss…

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[Christopher Robin]

I think you meant 'cheque' not check, but I checked (ha!) and American US standard is 'check' so you're right, hopefully it won't confuse.
Damn April, not sure what inspired you to pen this... I mean...being 13 was pretty horrible for me too, I think most teenagers have a tough time of it. Yet here we are, here we stand, and here we write, and the endless outpouring of admiration should - if nothing else - show you that those times are long past. 'Family' has a new definition nowadays, you need only look to your reviewers (the ones not trying to sleep with you...they're out there somewhere) to see you are surrounded by a supportive community. Mainly because I think most of them feel like they went though the same thing you did, or want to one-up you, but it's support nonetheless.
Don't get me wrong it's nice to see another side of you than the cheeky sexy one. But we write in the now, from what the past made of us. Don't dwell on your demons like all the other miserable poets on this site (though you d it better than most). Rise above and beyond. Show us what you're capable of ;)

-Robin

[AprilRN1210]

yea, I agree.. not big on the "woe is me" writing and that was not my intention here.... and yes, here in the US it is "check":P
you leave such thoughtful reviews and for that you have my respect and my appreciation... thank you...

[Wynter Ignatius]

I'm going to expose myself again after reading this piece, in particular the last stanza as it struck a chord with me.

I dealt with suicidal thoughts for over a decade and while I made no full-fledged attempts on my own life I did live my life with a level of carefree attitude that one might call reckless, dangerous and even lethal in nature.

Nothing quite like wondering if you will see tomorrow as you run across a cliff-side trail only about 6 inches wide over 200 feet above a rocky edge and sparse tree line below just to feel like you are alive that day.

And no, I was not a thrill seeker but rather I didn't care about my life at that time; so few really did but alas I have moved on from that and into a better life.

I would apologize for these things to you but I know that changes nothing in the long run and apologies are only words - actions are by far a more proper and much more vocal way of expressing empathy and sympathy so I would rather approach that route should I have the opportunity.

Your pains are real, I will give you that but a peek below and other chats we have had tell me you have moved from this for the most part so that is good. Still, with a life like this, it can haunt a person and after reviewing some of your other pieces I can only hope you find someone understanding to not so much help you move this baggage around but rather help you unpack it for good.

I also am going to call you out a bit on something and hope I don't hear it uttered by you again - you are by no stretch of the imagination a mistake in any way; your career, your compassion, your words and the love you show only reinforce that point of mine but should you doubt me I'm sure there are others, patients, family members of patients and others that will agree with me if not say this better than I in a way you can relate to and trust.

If anything, I have also proven you are not invisible going through now two away from every poem you currently have - a small feat on my part that I hope will continue to see in the future as I have enjoyed them all in one way or another; even bittersweet memories are needed at times

Also, you are worthy of a wonderful life - it shows in your words that you indeed want it, but if there is anything I can say about it is that you deserve it - such vibrance should not be lost to this world any time soon.

But again, I seem to have run off on a thick tangent about your poem again so I should cut this off before I write a chapter or something (which in all reality I should get to today) as say this;

Be this a cruel joke of fate, may it end soon and lead you to bigger and better things - you deserve more than the earlier years brought you and if I can take some small part in seeing you to that, well, you have me at your disposal.

As always, wonderful piece of work here and please keep it up.

If anything, it shows your strength of character and your willingness to see yourself to that time and place.

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you so much.. yes, you have read I think, by now, every poem I have on here.. This one was a dark place that haunts me from time to time, that I am learning to work through over the years... It is so hard sometimes, but as you said, I listen to friends and patients throughout the years that have helped lift my spirits and my esteem to what it is today.. still needs a lot of work, but headed in the right direction... thank you for always opening up and sharing so much with me... I appreciate the levels to which you can relate to my writes and your opinions on my work... you are so sweet and encouraging... ((hugs)) to you my friend.. I appreciate your friendship:)

[Wynter Ignatius]

I'm not sute of the exact age, but Da Vinchi was quoted as saying "I'm still learning" in his 80's - I tend to follow that sentiment.

[Zakari Schmidt]

This is painfully good. No wonder it's got so many views!:) this one delivers

[AprilRN1210]

well, hello! thank you for this lovely review... I am glad that you enjoyed.. and quite insightful, I must say--- it was painful, but felt good to write... I appreciate your time and thoughts :)..

[Zakari Schmidt]

Of course! It takes a bright mind to turn a dark subject into art!

[AprilRN1210]

that is so sweet thank you:)

[Kenneth The Poet]

There is bridge-jumping, too.

I don't endorse that, but I do endorse the expression found in this piece. Many of my poems stem from that dark feeling.

[AprilRN1210]

yep.... there is always that..... dark humor... cute... I like it.... can't always be rainbows and sunshine, now can it?
thank you sir.. am glad that you decided to "browse" some of my "real" writes... I appreciate it:)
will have to go check out some of these "dark feelings" you speak of... any in particular you would recommend?

[Joe_VILOT_]

reminds me of the problems that so many people face, have to confront on a daily basis, its as if your portrayal conveys the way people are fedup. Because we've been 'taught' and "always" shown that love hurts so there's no point going there any more.
Hard to read yet so simply and beautifully portrayed again
well done
577577/577577

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you for this insightful, thoughtful review.. yes... it is painful and teaches you that there isn't a point in trying... I appreciate your time and thoughts... :)

[Joe_VILOT_]

Trying as was told tom me by a most unsavory character is for trials; and so it may be that you interpret this the way you want all i'll say is that you are not the one at fault ..
So understand that as you have already done, carry on writing everything that drives you, that is all for now.

[AprilRN1210]

there are some lessons that you can listen to but not take to heart... I no longer feel this way... that flicker of hope I hold dear is still lighted and I have love to give and look for the same.. life is funny that way...

[Joe_VILOT_]

yes the flame,
warmth against a cold bitter night just as we sink down the cherished sunlight bursts out and we open our eyes.

[AprilRN1210]

yep... and it is ok to embrace the "cold"... i show that it my piece "snowflake's surrender"... letting go of that pain, that bitterness of the cold and embracing the beauty of it and know it is ok.... :)
you are kind as well as wise.. thank you again..

[Joe_VILOT_]

yes and your a very special soul indeed.
Thank you as well.

[Roger Turgeon]

OUCH!!! A lot of hopelessness in this write. Longing for what will never be ... other than the end. ( : O (


(Been a while since I visited, I'll try to be a guest more often)

[AprilRN1210]

well hey there! Thank you for this lovely review.. and yes.. ouch...

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem is hard and direct. You brought to life. Fear, demons and bad place. Also great music. The poem deserved to be read again. No weakness in the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[AprilRN1210]

well, hey again... this is flattering... I am so glad you think so.. yes, this song spoke to me... it touched me in this dark place that I felt compelled to share as they did with these words to maybe speak to someone else in the same manner... thank you so much for another wonderful review.. I appreciate it more than I can express.. :)

[An owl on the moon]

Such pain... the darkness overwhelming... the light so frail... It hurts so deeply knowing that there are those who live each day in this emptiness.. this hell... Aching to bring relief with all I am... peace.. peace somehow... So powerfully voiced...

[AprilRN1210]

Hey stranger!! Nice to "see" you!! I hope you are well... thank you for such an insightful, thoughtful, and moving review... you are always so positive and supportive... I honestly appreciate it sir... ((hugs)) to you:)

[ANM]

Very well written a raw and emotive subject that you capture so well! Hope for all the doll faces out there, that someone is listening.

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you very much.. and I hope they are listening... yes please...

[ANM]

Always!......

[MsJewel]

(((((((April))))))))
A child is a precious gift - I can and never will understand how or why someone could treat a child or anyone for that matter - this way. Your words left me with tears April - the fact that this is your reality breaks my heart. You are a brave woman and I have so much respect for you and for your talent.
xoxoxox
Julie

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you so much Julie.. This was the hardest write I have ever done and appreciate your kind, heartfelt words... You are such a beautiful spirit and sweet friend. ((hugs)) back ma'am...

[Lydia Shutter]

Brutal reality in every line of this one. The way we are treated in childhood does mold our world and our self esteem. Those were were treated as if they were worthless end up believing that is what they are....and therefore are vulnerable later in life. Intense emotions expressed so well, April. Heartbreaking. Lydi**

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you so much ma'am... I was admittedly nervous about posting this one, but thought if I could touch at least one heart, then it was worth it.. This was the hardest piece I have ever written, but felt good to let it out.. it does mold our self-esteem and make us more vulnerable, but with support, kindness, love and patience anything can be overcome... I am glad this one touched you. I appreciate your kind, thoughtful words.. :)