Dollfaces

picture perfect

Probably the most real, raw write I have done... Demons find a way of haunting whether we want them to or not..

 

 

Born into this world

another abomination

unwanted accident

in a string

of drugged out w***e’s

mistakes…….

broken spirit

behind

a pretty face. …

 

Cry yourself to sleep

no lullabies

to soothe

trapped behind façade

of a perfect family…..

shuffled from one home

to the next

the lies, disguise

lost innocence

on devil’s knee….

 

Destined to feel

unloved

learning NEVER

to trust

locked away

imprisoned

no key…….

put on your

DOLLFACE

no fairytales

for this

Cinderella

no prince

to rescue me…….

 

Just another

mouth to feed

reason to collect

precious check…..

pass me carelessly

one rat-hole

to the next

cruel joke I suspect…

 

Praying

There’s no God

…not for a girl

like…….. me

Santa can’t be bothered

no first kisses

prom dates

or school dances……

no sleepovers

passing notes

innocent romances……

 

No fairy godmother

to appear….

just pain and loneliness

festering

in frightened

fear……

 

Scared to sleep

of the dreams

that come

every night…..

always running

panicked

if I could just

become invisible

stay out of sight….

 

Guess it’s me

not worthy of

love and affection…..

try to be better

and yet still

feel the sting

of rejection….

 

Broken bones

hopeless heart

ever feel whole

again?...........

drowning in despair

planning escape

the beginning

of the

end…….

 

A bottle of

pills

a slit

of the wrist…..

just one less

damaged soul

who no one

will miss…

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[Christopher Robin]

I think you meant 'cheque' not check, but I checked (ha!) and American US standard is 'check' so you're right, hopefully it won't confuse.
Damn April, not sure what inspired you to pen this... I mean...being 13 was pretty horrible for me too, I think most teenagers have a tough time of it. Yet here we are, here we stand, and here we write, and the endless outpouring of admiration should - if nothing else - show you that those times are long past. 'Family' has a new definition nowadays, you need only look to your reviewers (the ones not trying to sleep with you...they're out there somewhere) to see you are surrounded by a supportive community. Mainly because I think most of them feel like they went though the same thing you did, or want to one-up you, but it's support nonetheless.
Don't get me wrong it's nice to see another side of you than the cheeky sexy one. But we write in the now, from what the past made of us. Don't dwell on your demons like all the other miserable poets on this site (though you d it better than most). Rise above and beyond. Show us what you're capable of ;)

-Robin

[AprilRN1210]

yea, I agree.. not big on the "woe is me" writing and that was not my intention here.... and yes, here in the US it is "check":P
you leave such thoughtful reviews and for that you have my respect and my appreciation... thank you...

[Linda alexander]

It is a very moving write, majority won't express openly, but you have a point it it touches other souls it may help, really proud of your writing skills and the courage as a writer and poet

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you so much for this lovely review.. I appreciate it.. I am glad I could touch you... :)

[Linda alexander]

You welcome,take care

[Butch Decatoria]

Geez, what a pity party makes me want to slit my wrists... You are as I am in control of ones happiness, mind over matter... Who you were then is not who is now nor who you will become... Think about it... Good and heart felt but not open in my opinion, still a prisoner of your own self loathing... No matter you don on your face or what perfume you wear... Kudos.

[AprilRN1210]

First off, I will say, this is the first piece of mine that you have read, so how can YOU be a judge of where I am emotionally... I stopped this piece here on purpose, but doesn't mean that is where I am now... I did actually try to kill myself in the past and almost succeeded.. but that was a long time ago and have come a long way since then.. number two.. IF I were in that deep dark place do you think this "attitude" that you are portraying in this review would help or are you just adding to the rest of the fucked up world and bringing them down further pushing them towards that??... words are a powerful thing, and I think you should be more careful with yours...

[Butch Decatoria]

Your taking this all wrong... It's good stuff, I'm just not a fan of blatant self depricating minutiae. Words are only words, do you have anything to say, any message outside of self that could maybe change the worlds perspective hopefully to a positive, inspired by more lively stuff...? I apologize if what words I've written, having gained some power over your emotions, made you feel what you feel... Guess I'm not a good place either... Good ripples I tell myself, and look what did to you... Sorry.

[AprilRN1210]

there are many levels and sides to every person... the well-rounded healthy ones can look, understand, define, and embrace all of them equally and with respect.. that is what I try to do.. if you look at my works you can see this.. anything from playful, positive, to sensual and erotic, to intellectual and analytical, to fantasy, mythical, to just weird and out there... there are happy memories, random thoughts, relationship quirks, wishes, and fantasies... the fact that I am well above these feelings is the reason that I could dig deep and be able to write this piece... and the reason I did it was to hopefully touch the lives in a positive way that have or are experiencing this.. was not for sympathy or attention.. was in part release and part reaching out... was done in hopes of being positive for someone else as well as me.... words are not just words... if that is the case, why do you write?... they are just words... who cares, right?

[Butch Decatoria]

Again I apologize, you have quite a following, and who am I to contradict or have an opinion, when everyone is into your work... I have only one poem published, so I can't call myself a writer, but I have a passion for it, for words or rather the effulgence of poetry, emoting and provoking, vast and deep... Nevermind, I'm over this, tell your friend thanks for his email, I'm going to go cry like a child now over the spilt milk...

[AprilRN1210]

you are more than welcome to your opinion, and if it floats your boat to read more and leave it all over my page, knock yourself out.. I love hearing it as a matter of fact... I just think that someone who uses mind and imagination to "emote" and "provoke" "vast and deep" would be less quick to "judge" and knock something down without trying to take a deeper look and understand.... but eh, what do I know... I am not "published"... I just write simple scribbles from the heart... and my "following" are amazing writers who support and encourage fellow writers and take the time to look... as far as the email is concerned, have no idea what you are referring to and apologize for any misunderstanding that is currently taking place.. I can and do speak for myself.. always..

[Nusquam Esse]

“I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound or stab us. If the book we're reading doesn't wake us up with a blow to the head, what are we reading for? So that it will make us happy, as you write? Good Lord, we would be happy precisely if we had no books, and the kind of books that make us happy are the kind we could write ourselves if we had to. But we need books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us. That is my belief.”
― Franz Kafka

[Butch Decatoria]

I did not mean write all about happy faces and rainbows, I just wanted more substance, it's like looking a painting on the wall with only two colors... Red and grey, to denote blood and rain clouds... I've been at the edge myself, have scars to prove it, but I just expected some thing to stab me with a poetic slicing knife... If words are our brush strokes and paint, the canvas should have no malingering void, no fear to show the wound ... That's all. Again, sorry for having an opinion ... Guess we all get lost at times in translation...

[AprilRN1210]

if you think that this piece lacks "substance" then that is your opinion and of course, you are welcome to it... I can respect that.. I think you just went the wrong way about expressing this.. that is my "opinion".. in response to this, I admit.. I have a long way to go with my writing.. I have just started and have tons to learn... that is why I joined this site to LEARN from others... and if you see where I am lacking, then pointing it out to me is an awesome way to "critique" someone's work to hopefully help them improve... Having said that, there is a tactful, respectful way of doing this that makes it constructive instead of destructive...

[Butch Decatoria]

I'm not cussing you out, I said what I've said, what's done is done... Take it and run with it, it's not scissors... But somehow you've let it cut you... Let's move on, I'm a perpetual student claiming to know nothing, but having something for myself and of my own ... Without the indifference and colorless dimming my view of the world... Let's just be done with it, and calmly carry on...

I bet if you rewrote, and described every scintilla of the moment you were wounding yourself, but with more imagery, metaphors or allusions, like drawing without the pencil rather with words maybe a thesaurus, it will definitely be different... And have the double space, giving the illusion of length does nothing but lead us on expecting an ending to have said something instead of repeating the premise of the beginning and middle, it's redundant... Sorry if this offends... This will be the last word on the subject, have a nice day.

[Sami Khalil]

Very sad and touching. This is very raw and earth shattering. I can't say more but I commend you for all the courage and fighting spirit. Excellent...:)........................

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you, Sami... As always, I love and appreciate your kind and thoughtful review..

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)......................

[Matching Socks]

Raw... No kidding. Great write darlin', the raw dark stuff needs an outlet too. xx

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you girl... I appreciate it... was hardest thing I have written..

[Lyn Anderson]

Wow, this is a really moving write, April, and leaves me in a bit of an emotional heap. The music, too, perfect.

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you... I was nervous about putting this one up here, but figured-- if it spoke to at least one other heart, then it was worth it...

[Frieda P]

I've read this a few times already, and haven't been able to come up with the appropriate words to articulate how utterly affecting this is. It as shattered me to say the least. I know this pain firsthand and I'm sure you had to reach down into the very pit of your soul and guts to write and purge this one....this is why denial and indifference make me so angry, I find it very difficult to believe this goes on, and nobody has the balls to say a blessed thing...until it's too late, the damage is done, and has lasting effects, that scar us for life. I can't say enough, just know you own my whole heart in this moment. xo

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you so much... you now have those tears back.. wheeew... ma'am... it was a deep dark place I was in earlier when I wrote this and cannot even express my appreciation for your acknowledgement of that and your ability to relate.. it is horrible that no one ever does anything and we have to suffer... that is part of the reason that I shared... I was so nervous about putting this one up.. but I thought if I could change, touch, or speak for or to anyone then it was worth it.. Your support means the world to me... ((hugs))

[R Smith]

wow! you really hit rock bottom figuratively speaking with a poem of immense depth and anguish, pain and suffering, conjures up a sadly hopeless world that is all to real in this current day, makes me want to pray for help that such people should be pulled from their suffering and given new hope, probably I would be in vain, fantastic work April

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you Richie.. I am glad that my story has touched you.. this was the hardest one I have ever done because I was in such a deep dark place-- that wasn't sure how it would come across..

[Kayleigh]

April, I think my heart just broken into a billion pieces, I can't even stop the tears from running. I cannot put into words how this affected me, I can relate more than even I want to admit. I so wish I could take your pain away, take away the horrible memories... Sigh. You are young and beautiful and really, it is sad what some people have to go through especially at such a young age, oh man, I could on and on. I literally two pieces maybe a bit too personal but posted them anyway, this just broke my heart. I am so sorry, girl. I am sending you hugs.

[AprilRN1210]

You are so sweet, thank you so much girl... I honestly appreciate it... I promise to come look at your pieces once I am in a better frame of mind and heart.... ((hugs)) back at you... I sure needed em...

[Relic]

This is incredibly sad. I hate to see people go through such horror when they shouldn't. If only people could delete such terrible thoughts from re-entering their minds. Life can be too cruel. My upbringing wasn't so great but it was nothing like this. I'm very sorry you had to go through it.

[AprilRN1210]

oh how I have missed you stranger!! It is so good to see you.. I hope everything is well... What a piece for you to come back to huh?.. Thank you so much, Tim... It is incredibly hard sometimes, but writing about these nightmares that plague me constantly does help... ((hugs))