February 3

February 3, 2010, the day that would have marked our fourth year. Four years of sweet kisses and I love you’s. Four years of stupid bickering and taking turns to pay for dinner. Four years of wondering how our completely conflicting lives would turn out and how we would come up with every possible solution, just to make it work.

 

I wake up, assuming to find myself utterly depressed and crushed, the same painful effect you have had on me since that wretched day in May. Yet, for the first time in months, you are not the first thing on my mind. The empty hole in my chest isn’t throbbing and a day I used to cherish seems like any old Wednesday.

 

I get myself ready and head out to my favorite spot on campus, the coffee shop situated so conveniently in the library, with the most comfortable couches in Rochester. I order my personal drug, the perfect mix of caffeine and sugar that allows me to function, situate myself in the most comfortable spot I can, and simply relax. I feel a weight having been lifted entirely off my shoulders.

 

It is no longer you that holds the keys to my emotions. It is no longer you that I go to bed wondering what I did that day to upset you, or replaying every moment of that last week trying to figure out why you left. It is no longer the painful words of “I don’t think I ever loved you” that flash through my head each and every time I see a couple together, wondering if those three sacred little words mean anything to anyone anymore. I finally feel free. Free to be myself, to love myself, to do what I want, say what I want, and open myself up enough to love those around me.

 

Your constant grip over me has washed away. The countless effects you have cast over me seem to have completely dissipated. I glance over at my right hand, bearing the golden claddagh ring, such a heavy burden it has held on that empty right hand, signifying my single relationship status, and the pain is gone. The once seemed constant need of companionship, vanished.

 

It is evening time now and I find myself in the last possible expected place on a day like today. I am in a chain restaurant, consuming the most remarkable, mouth-watering cheeseburger known to man, staring across the table at the most amazing, intriguing and incredible male I have been lucky enough to befriend since the days of your leaving, and I am happy.

 

More than happy, I am ecstatic. I have not felt this good in almost a year. I am myself again. The person I lost so long ago. The person you took with you on that wicked day. The first person that truly loved you and would have waited another 8 months for you. We are very much different people now.

 

February 3, 2010, not a day of despair, or loneliness, or grief. A day of consciousness and freedom. A day of personal discovery. A day when I finally set you free from my life. The day I decided I was ready to let someone else into my life. Someone that respects me, makes me laugh, and simply enjoys spending time with me.

 

As I sit at the small table, in this restaurant of wonder, you are no longer on my mind. The only thing holding my complete attention at that very moment are the genuine questions, the adorable grin, and the tender, amused eyes of the extraordinary bearded fellow across from me.