The Chains of Regret

A letter to a mother from the man that killed her daughter.

I say this now to you. I've screwed up my life in more ways than one may imagine. Done countless things I have come to regret. In fact, my whole being seems to have been a terrible mistake. An unfortunate existence of failure. But of all the things I've done, all the people I have hurt, it has never hurt anyone more than me. Until now. My conviction was a wakeup call. There is nothing I could do in a million lifetimes with all the riches in the world that would justify even asking. I write to you this day to express to you with everything I am, just how deeply I regret the terrible wrong done to you by my hand. I have been in this wretched cell for nearly five years now, only the beginning of my sentence.

I know that this letter should have been in your hands the day it happened. I have found God in the time that I have been here. I have been told that he forgives and accepts anyone and everyone. This seems impossible, as I have yet to forgive myself nor do I think I ever will. I don't see how after all the things I've done, anyone at all shall forgive my transgressions. Everyone has flaws but if you took a look at my life all you would see is one big flaw. I am still learning to accept what God has to offer and what he teaches. I know you and your family are Christians. Maybe that means you have forgiven me. All I can say at this point is I need someone or something to be my guide. I would like that to be God.

I can list a thousands words to express my regret and remorse at the choices and lifestyle I have lived. And what I did. None will ever be able to convey the depth of those feelings as much as they truly are within my heart and soul. They will never leave me but I wish to find a form of peace to quiet the unending battle that goes on in my conscience. I suppose lifting some of the weight of this burden is not at all what I deserve. I can't tell you how dark my world has been. Has always been, since my childhood. I am responsible for what I have done but how I grew up did not help how I saw the world and what compelled me to make these choices.

Just to have a tiny shred of peace and hope that I can be better I only ask that you write me back. I don't care if there is only a sentence on a torn page portraying the anger and hatred you may have for me. Just write one word. I am still living and that seems an injustice to your daughter her death did not bring a single good thing to this world. If that good thing is to change a man like me then that is what I want to do. Please just tell me what I can do. Anything to make the loss of a girl like her not be for nothing.