Little girl, Protect your heart.A Chapter by Ashe•To protect what's left.
I wish to be a different being in another place
So my tears can have a name And my pain isn't such a waste I'm dying regardless of all It's just never in the right ways. I wake up this morning and this night And i close my eyes with the weight of my lies Just another week just another year Just another success just another gain I wake up and i question with blurry hands If anything i ever touched was worth the searing pain. Look at the girl how she shines Manner in her words a gentleness in her smile Did you see her grades did you see her talents One look at her eyes and you can imagine How she opens the windows for birds in the sky And drinks her tea on a picnic with starry eyes Laughter and kindness and so much good Look at the girl how she shines Never would imagine she's waiting for the end of time. Look at the girl look at the girl I'm begging someone to look at the girl. Another year ends and a flashy paper proves A passing of time a breath finally in use Here's an end Here's a smile Nothing fits and i wonder why Thank you thank you thank you i repeat with shine Help me help me help me i whisper at nights What is wrong with me What is so fundamentally wrong that i can't live up To any guise or to any love The paper proves it and so do my tears What do they prove can you tell me if you see? I'm thankful for all the light i see So so thankful sometimes i wonder if i should cease Just enter a door and close it behind Just be what they see and stop my tries So so thankful i wonder if i am Because i'm grateful and loving and greedy and needy I can't live without the paper nor the flashy words Greedy greedy greedy When does it ever stop? Can't imagine there's a well i'll deem fit to end my thirst Parched so parched even in the moment of success I might have got the shine but what about the colour What about the next What about that delicate shade of everything i only see in them My clothes are too dark And my heart too light My eyes too bright And my smile too dim The shades don't match they don't fit Maybe another paper will fix all this is. I laugh with my heart and smile Then it suddenly drops and i have to put up the facade of time Pinched eyes pinched expression Still laughing just wondering if I'm too much of a vision The shine only works if you see it reflected Off a wall or a table or a thousand footsteps The paper only works if you see it on the wall Hung and pristine and dried from all Tears and sweat and blood Breaths and worth and love. I think to myself with a quiet belief I'm only pretty if i'm not seen The laugh should be moderate and the words should be weighed My hand movements careful and my whole being safe I should keep the distance keep the footsteps If anyone starts walking I should start running. It hits me in all times that i can never prepare Every time my hand lingers enough to leave a trail Or my feet jump too high they cross the veil Every time someone looks and i swallow back fears They are looking they are looking Should be careful what they see. I silence it with all kinds of silence hidden Lighten my fingers like a dancer in mirth And stick my feet to the ground like it's pride I silence it i silence everything I take every part of me and make sure it knows You'll only ever be loved in your silence Never in your words. The hurt hits my body before i can swallow it My heart pounds and my skin crawls Yes this familiar feeling Yes i've been hurt again The silence is oppressive it scratches at my throat But letting out any sound would be akin to a dying wail My laughs hurt my hands hurt A scream would only damn me to hell. I've been hurt again but it happens So i'll ignore the sudden darkness in my vision And the tense weight on my limbs Again again again Why does it happen every time? I was hungry now i'm not Wish my heart would stop leaking blood How much longer can i live on my own blood How much longer can i take the water of my tears and the flesh of my heart. I close the curtains Close the door Know in my quickened breaths it won't wait much more Lock the door have to be sure Not a sound and not a word I tie my eyes and i shut my mouth Bite my lips so hard it draws blood My mouth is closed my mouth is closed Can't breathe but so can't my words I've been hurt again my heart says in a small voice Yes yes again and again i answer with clenched eyes Where is your hate where is your loathing Where is anything i can protect my own with Is it only me you wake your demons for Is it only ever me that deserves your rage You tell me to hide I ask where You tell me to stop I ask where You tell me to stop and hide and silence everything I choke and choke and choke And wonder if this fixes anything. Do i stop being hurt if i disappear Do i never hurt if i never be Is this what you want Is this what i need Heart heart heart Why is it only me? I wrap myself in chains and think of delicate ribbons Those for shiny papers and this for a haggard body I pull the chains and tighten my cage Is this enough to stop the pain My head falls forward and only they keep me afloat Is this enough to protect my soul People walk ahead or above They spare me a glance and never stop Some yank at the chains some caress like a friend Choking sobbing fearing Why do both feel the same to my battered everything? I cradle words of love with a careful defeat They can destroy me they can sweep me off my feet I only put them in the soft delicate parts of my being I don't want them but i do I don't want them in me but i do I need them i need them i need them My greed can't ever let go. I just want them falling from a tree I want them coming from the earth I want them beneath my feet If i look from a window i wish the sky would cease No stars and no suns and no moons Just grounds and dirt and everything in between If i lower myself to touch i can feel If i crouch there in that garden and dance over the petals I can feel In my hands and heart and the safe breath i keep If i hold myself carefully and stand after i lean Then i can keep I can keep. The sky is wide the sky is high If i look up i might never try It's better to flutter and float Over the earth like i'm somehow more I'm not and never will be But if i can appear to the flower a tower If i can appear to the love a castle Maybe then Maybe then they won't ever tear me away From my safe breath my safe haven. Look at the girl how light she treads Almost like a fairy hear the flowers tell She's bright in her smiles and soft in her touch She's everything one likens to a sun. Look at the girl how light she treads If she's a fairy maybe she won't be left Honey in her smiles and on her fingertips Would the flowers still sing to herself She's everything one likens to a sun Always there waiting to be loved. A voice stumbles around me and my breath gets stuck I don't want to be A strange look born from mirth and my smile strains I don't want to be A raised voice coming from me in a moment of excitement and my heart clenches I really don't want to be A small conflict a slammed door A shiny paper put on the wrong wall A word said in jest and a word said in hate A misstep i fixed and a mistake i couldn't take A loving look a vacant picture A pretty house a divided section A stumble a doubt a waver a shatter A voice a smile a tear a splatter All too loud All too wrong I kneel on the earth and hug my trembling body Repeated mumbles of a desperate wish i swallow I just don't want to be. The glass breaks and i watch it with dull eyes Only just a spike of despair over the coming nights I look at the one who broke it and name the tension in their hands Then the one crying on its shard and wonder what their tears say I look at the wall if it's still standing And the floor if it's still holding The threads and the wires and the careful treading I go to step into it all too vacant But Oh I can't see the floor anymore My blood must have been too livid. You can't cry once the glass breaks The years have taught us to be sane You wait and observe What if the one who broke it needs help Or the one who sweeps it Or the one who hides it Or or or You should wait before crying A little blood never hurt anyone. After it's hidden look carefully at the threads Are they still tied? Are the wires still intact? Go to the one crying their heart out Soothe with words and wait for the inevitable sobs Blubbering with words you learned to nod Yes they didn't mean yes the glass was cheap Yes the floor was strong yes it must have come too near Yes they broke it but do you remember? They were a child too don't you dare forget How are you going to help if you forget They were a child they were the glass The wires and steps and the fragile mass Shouldn't children be good at remembering At holding what the bodies weighed by years can't? Do your role child do your role Listen to the sobs and clean the blood and remember Nobody is ever wrong. What's the point of feeling when you are needed to act You can't wait for the walls to fall You can't be busy in sobs You stand and you walk and you run And you nod and you agree and you remember And only when night comes and you fall in bed voided Only then can you cry only then you can let it go You can listen to your brain list all the reasons you should go You can watch the movie repeat And question how better could you have been meek You can you can you can You can learn how people go insane. Look at the girl so bright in her being But why is she always so quiet why is she always so serene The birds are singing and the world is like a scream Look at the girl why isn't she here? The days will pass they will pass You'll learn to hate you'll learn to blame You'll cry and beg at the feet of those who break And ask them what to do with your despair You'll hate so much you'll throw it up with choking air You'll blame so much you'll take a blade But the days will pass again And you'll remember how people go insane The hate will quieten and the cries will silence You'll take the blade and put it in your heart and be done with No more hate no more begging You'll only blink and continue remembering. The voices will ask after they calmed The storm will whisper after closing its eye What's wrong? You didn't break the glass you didn't hide it Child, What's wrong? You only blink Swallow the words swallow the blood The blade is in your heart it's yours to keep Just this and that you choke out The papers are hard to get the shine is impossible to find They will titter they will grumble All in fondness and you will blink Everything about them tells you of their pride Look how good you remembered Look how good you survived. Don't be so weak thrown with a sharp voice So self centered when none of the center touched your heart Don't be like this how are you gonna survive in the world? We asked you to remember we asked you to choke When did we ever ask you to cry? It's not a big deal why are you staring with wide eyes? Have you not seen conflict have you not seen fights Staring at the ground and the walls Is this how you're gonna be out in the world? The storm the storm the storm It closes its eye and covets the broken homes in its trail The storm the storm the storm It closes its eyes and forgets Why people born in the storm can't. Rememeber remember you have to remember Just because the walls didn't break this time Doesn’t mean you're safe Just because the storm closed its eyes Doesn’t mean You're not an eye of a storm yourself. Step on wires but don't name them Tie them carefully but never tell Comfort that and soothe this And never ever speak a word of it Step on harsh grounds and avoid traps Think and think and think before moving Flinch when silent flinch when talking Watch and remember and wait for the obvious Nobody is wrong except you Nobody is wrong except you. And when you brave the world out of your rain Look at love given with a smile and don't show a thing The tremble in your hands and the jagged walls you built Take the love and give it back Smile and covet and have Never ever Leave a space to your despair If you are an eye of a storm The least you could do is save them your rain. Look at the girl how loved she is Accepts it with grace accepts it with mirth Look at the girl and her wish Please may anyone never see me like this Look at the girl She'd rather be right than ever loved. When you brave the world Try to forget. Don't look at the girl she's too bright She can't rest if she's in your eyes Don't look at the girl she's too broken She wishes to be loved from a high Don't look at the girl don't try Can't you see? Her threads can only be so tight Leave the chains and let her gasp and heave The girl only ever wanted to be. But she has learnt she has learnt Why people go insane Get a bird and chain it to the ground Show your disappointment every time it looks up. Tell the bird to not be astray Life is earth life is on grounds Tell the bird ignore your heart Ignore the ache ignore the hurt Tie your wings until they cramp Shut your eyes until they bleed Even if everything in you says you are from the clouds Whisper under your breath that you are from here Wait for the pride wait for the nods Tighten the chains and smile and nod Little bird, you are only ever loved on earth. Remember remember you have to remember People go insane when their love is always something to dismember Wrong wrong wrong What part of me which heart What flesh do i cut so i fit So i love? Little girl Little child Protect your heart Protect your heart. © 2024 Ashe•Author's Note
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Added on April 11, 2024 Last Updated on April 11, 2024 Tags: Oneshots, angst, selfstudy, family angst, complicated relationships, healing, hidden trauma, self image issues, implied self harm, childhood trauma AuthorAshe•AboutI have been writing for about 6 years but it is my first time in a while engaging in communities :) Hope i can learn well and share my words. more..Writing
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