Fearful Move

Fearful Move

A Chapter by CrystalDragon
"

In this chapter, we meet one of the main character's and her family. The Tykashei family are moving to their new home, however something happens to the youngest child, and it is where things begin...

"
A large dark blue beast was gliding through the air silently. It danced swiftly around the waves, catching fish in its sharpened claws as it did so. Suddenly a loud horn-like sound emitted from on top of the cliffs. Its ears perked and must of somehow realised what it meant, for it shot up in the air and soared past the large defining mountains and into the valley below. All this time it never once noticed someone watching it, and if the beast did so, it hadn't shown much concern. On top of one of the many cliffs that the mountains created, stood a woman. Who let out a quiet satisfied sigh and turned from the sight of the brilliant ocean and its children. The woman wore a white hooded cape which had dark red bands round the cuffs of the arms. As she walked away from the blissful scene, her hood feel from her face and with it, full back length blood red hair cascaded down her back. Beads made from many semi-precious stones, feathers of different colour and origin where intertwined and hung from her hair on the right side. The most startling thing about the woman was the very defining colour of her eyes. They where a very light blue, almost clear in fact, and they held much in their steady stare. Walking towards the busy valley, she could hear laughter and shouts from the people. Then a group of young children ran to her and smiled. 
"Come on, Lady Elder you don't want to be late for the new arrivals," some of them shouted happily. She laughed  at their enthusiasm and strolled carelessly behind them. They got to the temple after saying farewell to the children, she made her way to the large dark elm wood table that was situated in the main room and sat down. She heard a light cough.
"Oh sorry. I didn't see you there. I take it you are the new additions to this thriving community?" She asked politely to the young group in front of her.
"Yes, we are ma'am," replied one. The woman smiled gently, putting the youths in front of her at ease.
"Excuse me, Lady Elder but I was curious to know....how did you become the youngest Elder and how did you rebuild the valley?" Asked a young male elf timidly. She laughed heartedly at his curiosity.  
"You know I must be honest, it was not always like this, until a few years back. If you would like, I would happily share my story with you. So please take a seat, relax and allow this old woman to tell you how she came to be, and how she found her way, to her own Warrior's Path." The elderly woman said happily, and so her story began many years ago.
*
As usual, the city was bustling with life. Children ran down the streets, shopkeepers where calling their latest offers while shooing pesky birds from their stock. A tanned skinned girl skipped happily down one of the many streets in the city of Sun-Thorn. The girl worn light blue baggy gypsy style trousers, they where tucked into a pair white boots and white crop top which left her well toned stomach in full view. She had a few piercings, her right ear had a black scaffolding bar, two silver balls in the earlobe and a small star stud just above them. Unlike the right, the left ear was more delicate looking, with only a simple silver stud and a grey cuff higher up the ear. Her blood red elbow length wavy hair swayed behind her, in its high pony tail, the girl's bangs on the right side of her head was intertwined with feathers and semi-precious stones, which sometimes covered a pair of dark blue eyes. A black spiral the size of her palm was on her right shoulder blade, just visible was two very fine scars which started on her collar bone, went up her neck and stopped just an inch in from the bottom of her left ear lobe. She turned and ran up a sheltered stairway, kicking open the door so forcefully it banged off the wall, she walked into the room gracefully.
"Crystal!! Will you please stop kicking open the front door like that! Honestly, I'm going to kill your Father for showing you that!" Grumbled an irritated female voice. I just looked round the room littered with half full boxes for the source of the clearly annoyed voice. A head then relieved itself from behind a large box which was clear that the person was struggling to carry. The girl giggled and walked over.
"Oh mother! You want a hand with that box?" I questioned. Already knowing the answer, I went over and helped mother take the box outside. 
"Did you deliver that parcel for your Father?" Asked Mother timidly. I looked at her and raised my eyebrow. Mother was dressed in jade trousers which tucked nicely into her brown boots. A moss green crop top, a lot like my own, showed a toned stomach with two fine scars going from the her right hip and curving onto her lower back. Mother's mahogany coloured locks was tied into a slack bun, small wisps of hair had escaped and bounced as she walked around. At the bottom of her neck was a black spiral, four inches in diameter and three inches in height. Her bright cheerful blue eyes sparkled with a mischievous glint as she started looking round the rest of the boxes, then she let out a huff. 
"Where the hell is that man! I mean honestly, Crystal never let a man do a job you could do quicker, they take for ever.....and he can replace that bloody door!" Mother yet again grumbled. She was clearly pissed, why I have no idea. Just then there was laughter from outside and male voices could be heard.  
"Yeah yeah. The girls are happy with moving that's for sure, besides we need the space," called a man. Someone laughed, well more like barked. 
"Good luck with the move Rex, and I hope your family does well out there!" Shouted a masculine voice, getting quieter as the man walked away. 


© 2012 CrystalDragon


Author's Note

CrystalDragon
Haven't finished it as you can see. All advice is welcome.

My Review

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Featured Review

I would open this with "The large beast dance around the waves of the clear water, flying silently and without hesitation the creature used its finely edged claws to pick up fish from the stretching sea" I think you just need to make a more defined picture for the readers and keep it a little more lively. The idea behind it seems thrilling and I can see your concept is engaging. The potential is great, I would in fact like to see how you could shape this project. Just remember to make it clear, and neat. At the point where you wrote " All this time it never once noticed someone watching it. An elderly woman let out a quiet sigh and turned from the sight of the brilliant ocean and its children." I think you could have made this so much more understandable (It did take me two or three takes to understand correctly) By simply turning that full stop at "watching it, the elderly" would tell us the person watch it is in fact the elderly woman. Perhaps describe her a little, I mean eyes dont really change from old to young so if you intend to go back in time. I think its a good idea to allow the reader to get a faint description of the main character even if old. That way when you introduce her to a younger form we can see that it is her due to their eyes matching or something. ^.^ Another thing is make sure you dont use the same words close together. In the first few sentences you have used large twice, quite close together and talk of pretty much the same things. So in my example I used large and finely edged, but using words like massive and huge are of course most suitable. when I write I find I like to keep the readers more on edge and looking at every word as a whole, by using different words readers get a variety of colours and phrases to use in their little minds ;P Doing this will make the reading much more enjoyable and not reading the same old drib drab :P Finally (Promise this is the last thing) I'd like you to tell me more of your ideas's and views on this piece, I'm curious in how you will develop this story :) And hopefully I can contribute some idea's and thoughts of my own ^.^

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I'm interested in the next one. I hope you continued it and encourage you to post some chapters.

I would recommend making your descriptions more vivid with less. Although the description of the Elder got my attention, other details just whizzed by me.

Posted 6 Years Ago


I would open this with "The large beast dance around the waves of the clear water, flying silently and without hesitation the creature used its finely edged claws to pick up fish from the stretching sea" I think you just need to make a more defined picture for the readers and keep it a little more lively. The idea behind it seems thrilling and I can see your concept is engaging. The potential is great, I would in fact like to see how you could shape this project. Just remember to make it clear, and neat. At the point where you wrote " All this time it never once noticed someone watching it. An elderly woman let out a quiet sigh and turned from the sight of the brilliant ocean and its children." I think you could have made this so much more understandable (It did take me two or three takes to understand correctly) By simply turning that full stop at "watching it, the elderly" would tell us the person watch it is in fact the elderly woman. Perhaps describe her a little, I mean eyes dont really change from old to young so if you intend to go back in time. I think its a good idea to allow the reader to get a faint description of the main character even if old. That way when you introduce her to a younger form we can see that it is her due to their eyes matching or something. ^.^ Another thing is make sure you dont use the same words close together. In the first few sentences you have used large twice, quite close together and talk of pretty much the same things. So in my example I used large and finely edged, but using words like massive and huge are of course most suitable. when I write I find I like to keep the readers more on edge and looking at every word as a whole, by using different words readers get a variety of colours and phrases to use in their little minds ;P Doing this will make the reading much more enjoyable and not reading the same old drib drab :P Finally (Promise this is the last thing) I'd like you to tell me more of your ideas's and views on this piece, I'm curious in how you will develop this story :) And hopefully I can contribute some idea's and thoughts of my own ^.^

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on September 11, 2012
Last Updated on October 25, 2012


Author

CrystalDragon
CrystalDragon

Dunfermline, Fife, United Kingdom



About
Hmmm, about me. Well, don't know where to start. My family and friends are very important to me, so is my writing and drawing. They keep me sane. I enjoy music and love a walk to clear my head. more..

Writing