Some One Like You

Will Rose get accepted or neglected?

Some One Like You

James walks into Professor Valeus office.

"Oh hi James I was just leaving" you say as you slowly back out towards the door

"Okay thanks for the heads up" he says sarcastically a crease forming between his brows

You quickly open the wooden stained door and step out into the cold wintry winds.

You look up at the grey colored clouds squinting so you don't get snow in your eyes.

When will he just accept me! you think to yourself 

Even a Hey Rose, How have you been? Uh I just don't understand I have been nothing but nice to him. 

A familiar voice brings you back to earth

"Rose what are you doing out in the cold?" 

You look forward to see Chris, he is the quarter back, bench warmer for now, he just hasn't had his time to shine.

"Oh I was just thinking"

"about what?" he asks walking over to you

"I don't know, stuff n thangs ya know" you giggle

Chris looks down and shakes his head a sly smile pulling at the edge of his lips

"you should really stop looking at those TWD memes"

"well its true that's all I ever seem to be doing" You say looking down at the crisp snow wandering when things will get better.

"well maybe we have a movie marathon tonight" Chris questions

"if you want" you reply not really listening to the question 

Chris grabs your hand and looks you in the eye

"well what would be your ideal 'cheer up Rose' night?"

You pull your hand out of Chris's you feel the cold swallow you up again

"trust me I would tell you if I could"

"I see, I.... I guess I'll meet you in the suit later if you want"

You look up to see Chris, his face sliding into a frown

"I promise I'll be there"

You lean up to Chris's cheek, lightly touching his skin against your lips.

Warmth fills inside of you.

Chris shoots you one last look before he walks back across the quad.

You sigh and turn back to stare at Professor Valeus door.

'That's it' you think to yourself

'James is going to accept me whether he likes it or not!'

You slide onto a bench nearby the front door

Just as the cold breeze picks up James steps out of Professors office.

He looks as he always does, neutral emotion. 

"James wait" you call to him just as he begins to walk

"What is it this time Rose"

As James approaches you pat the empty space next to you.

James nods.

"Look I know you probably have better things to do but i just need to get this off my chest"

James answers you with a questioning look

"I know we don't know each other well and its only been a week since meeting you but I don't understand, is there something wrong with me?"

His eyes grow wide

"something wrong with you?" He grins

"uh yeah... you know the way you act around me its like you hate me"

"Rose I don't hate you, the truth is I have liked you since the moment you have walked into Professors office"

Your stunned

"wha... WHAT?"

"look I'm sorry, your so pretty and intelligent, i wanted to get to know you, but then I saw you and Chris. and honestly you looked so happy together, I didn't want to get in the way of that"

You sigh before drawing in a long cold breath.

"Chris is great and all trust me I like him, But there is something about you James, I don't know what but..."

Before you can finish your sentence you feel James's lips pressing gently against yours.

His hand wraps around your waist...

To be continued...

Author's Note

Hey guy wrote this up in 1 hour just quickly have writers block atm but i hope its okay.
let me know if you would want a continue on?

Reviews

[Joshua Ramirez]

Wow Amberly, for writing this up in 1 hour, that is really impressive to be honest.
Although it's not all grammatically correct and stuff, I can follow it. Also, it was quite interesting of how you put the reader as the "Rose", I think that is her name. I had such a strong feeling or her ambivalence in that relationship, and I was totally feeling it throughout the whole write, just hit me right at the end, LIKE WOW!
The suspense is real too, since you put a "to be continued".
Excellent job Amberly, I like it!
Oh, and yes, CONTINUE ON!!!

[Amberly]

haha thank you, yes i wrote it at 3 am so that would explain why haha but sadly midnight an onwards is usually when i get all of my inspiration, which isnt great haha i am always tired i will try to write another tonight

[Joshua Ramirez]

Oh wow! That's actually something I've heard... people getting more inspiration at night... I don't think i get inspiration at a certain time of day, just happens at random intervals throughout the day.
Haha, I feel the same way, tired a lot of the time!

What are you gonna write now?

[Amberly]

well i just posted chapter 2 if you wanna check it out.
and yes each artist and writer is different

[Duncan Brown]

Was love,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,as

[G. B. Banks]

Aa never ending kiss forever ... to be continued like this :) I loved how the story unfolded in the end!
Cheers
Blue

[Davidgeo]

Have you ever heard of a fella named Cormac Mcarthy? He doesn't use punctuation but good god damn is that man one of the greatest novelist in all of modern history. Anyway, Amberley, what I'm trying to say is that you should try writing without punctuation of any kind other than paragraph breaks. It will force you to describe things you otherwise would not be compelled to describe. Try it out, I have a feeling it will suit your writing style.

[Amberly]

That i have.
Thank you for the suggestion i will definitely try it :)

[Davidgeo]

I look forward to it.

[JayG]

A couple of problems hit me:

First: the last time I checked, I am not a woman, so telling me I am, and talking as though I feel everything you say, when I clearly don't, prevents me from identifying AS the character.

People tell me stories about a third person, or a personal memory, all the time. So it's natural, and expected. But telling a man they're a woman and a professor? You've just booted half your potential readers. And why? Because you're trying to make the story more personal for the reader through a gimmick.

But personal pronouns can't do that. What does, is placing the reader into the character's viewpoint, which is something very different from "person." To clarify what I mean you might want to read the article, Inside Out, in the writing section of my blog.

Some specifics:

• James walks into Professor Valeus office.

Okay, who's James? I have not a clue. Is this a good thing or a bad one? Since your character doesn't react, or have a thought I know about, why do I care if someone unknown comes into an office for unknown purpose? Is the protagonist leaving because she doesn't want to be with the character. Or is she just leaving? Since you list only what happens, but not the character's reaction, this section is—because the reader lacks context—meaningless.

• You quickly open the wooden stained door and step out into the cold wintry winds.

1. I've been to many colleges. Not one of them had an individual outside door to each professor's office.
2. Telling the reader that the door is wood is irrelevant, as is it being stained (which could refer to the condition or the way it's painted). Knowing that the door is wood tells the reader nothing useful because a metal or fiberglass door, once painted is indistinguishable by type. Why does that matter? Because the extra words slow the narrative, and, because you specifically mentioned it the reader will assume that the construction matters, later.

3. Could it be warm wintry winds? No. So what purpose does "cold" serve but to slow the pace?

• When will he just accept me! you think to yourself

1. People don't think in exclamation points, they think in italics, so there's no need to say it's a thought. If you have more then five bangs in an entire novel you're probably misusing them, because the excitement belongs in the story, not the punctuation!
2. "accept me?" I have no clue of what this means. The man walked into the office and said not a word, other then in response to her discourtesy. She didn't even ask him what he needed.

He gave no sign of not "accepting her" and she gives us not a hint of why she thinks that. So again, the lines are meaningless to the reader.'

It makes perfect sense to you, of course, because you know who she is, and what they are to each other. But me? She could be thirty or ninety. James could be a student, a fellow teacher, or her husband.

So you know all that. Your professor knows. But the reader, the one you wrote it to? Not a clue.

Does that make sense?

Here's the deal: Writing fiction for the page is unrelated to the kind of writing we learned in our school days. It's also unrelated to the skills of storytelling, because that's a performance art, where HOW you tell the story matters as much as what you say.

So using the storytelling skills results in a manuscript that reads in a monotone, because the page reproduces neither the audible nor the visual performance, which is where all the emotion resides.

If we use the writing skills we learned in school it doesn't work because they're fact-based and author-centric, and meant to inform—nonfiction, in other words.

Fiction is constrained by the limitations of our medium, and of more importance, is meant to entertain, not inform. So it's emotion-based and character-centric. Our goal isn't to make the reader know the emotions the protagonist feels, it's to feel them, for the same reason your protag does.

And that takes an entirely different skill set than what we were given in school. Not good news, I know, but if you want to write like a prop you have to know what the pros take for granted.

But that's no big deal, because every profession has a body of knowledge and skills that aren't obvious to those outside the profession. And given that, it makes sense to put aside some time, and perhaps a few dollars, to acquire your professional education. Like every other field, it's all in the becoming.

For an overview of the issues, you might dig around in the writing articles in my blog. They're written for the hopeful writer. Then hit your local library's fiction writing section, for the views of agents, publishers, writers, and teachers.

My personal suggestion is to seek the names Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Amberly]

okay look,
i get what you are trying to say but everyone has a different way of writing.
read moreokay look,
i get what you are trying to say but everyone has a different way of writing.
i am not trying to make this a profession, i own my own business.
i do this just for fun and on most of my stories i state that it may not be grammatically correct simply because i a,m not trying to make money off of this.
i just like to write.
i wouldnt mind if no one read my stories i just like writing.
i dont want to learn from the pros because i am simply not trying to become one.
some of the best books i read started in complete oblivion, you dont know who anyone is.
but if you just stick with the book you eventually find out.
thanks i get you are just trying to help but there are plenty of people on here that write the way i do and itsn not perfect we get that.
but we just write how we feel.
yeah some things in a book are completely unnecessary but that is just how the author wrote it.

[JayG]

Everyone has a different way of writing? No, they don't. As someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service, and who has looked at a lot of queries and writing samples, I can tell you that the idea that everyone writes differently is pure fantasy, put forth by people who have not successfully sold a manuscript.

In the words of Larry Brown, “There’s no such thing as a born writer. It’s a skill you’ve got to learn, just like learning how to be a bricklayer or a carpenter.”

Or try Ernest Hemingway, who said, “It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.”

Or E. L. Doctorow's: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

We're talking about a profession, one that has four year majors at the university. Assuming that the nonfiction writing tricks you learned in grade school are going to compete against people who have taken years learning and perfecting the skills publishers demand isn't short-sighted, it's a path to failure.=.

Just at a quick look:

• You're telling instead of showing.

• Your opening paragraph is an info-dump.

• You're using only sight, rather than all the senses.

• Your characters never stop to think before responding.

• You're not addressing the three things a reader wants to know quickly in order to have context for the action.

• You have no scene goal. And without it your reader won't recognize the inciting incident (something else missing)

There are many more, but those are the top, and each is a guaranteed rejection.

But: Add a bit of real knowledge of the craft of fiction, even what you would learn in the first few weeks of any degree course in commercial fiction—something you can obtain free at the local library—and you'd have the tools to identify and correct everything I mentioned.

Were I to have received this as part of a manuscript submission, I would have returned it, along with your check, telling you to buy a copy of Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, read it, and practice for six months before resubmitting.

It's not a matter of good or bad writing, talent, or story. You might be loaded with talent, but talent is only potential till it's trained.

Yes, you've gotten nice comments on the writing. But how many of them have come from someone who has sold a manuscript? How many of them have offered to pay to read more?

But, It seems likely that you're seeking praise for an hour's writing, not ways to write with more skill. So having told you what you need to know, from here on it's up to you.

I'll just wish you good luck with your writing career and stop bothering you.

[Amberly]

Oh my fricken gosh you truly dont understand.
I am not trying to make this a career i have a business.
I just like writing every now and then.
Get over yourself.
Good for you you sold something.
Just get over it.
I write because i like it and you sir are calling me dumb for not taking a writing course.
Wow petty.
And once again to get it through to you i am not trying to get a career out of this i simply write because i like writing i couldnt care less if no one liked it i like it so move along

[JayG]

• I just like writing every now and then.

But you put it up on a public board and ASKED for comment. You WANTED people to read and like it, but aren't willing to take the time to learn even the basics of how to write fiction.

Someone you don't know, in response to your request, took time they didn't have to give you, to help YOU become a better writer. Your response was to behave like a child.

Your problem is that you're looking for validation without having earned it, and forget to append three important words to the post: Praise only, please.

[Amberly]

no no no wow
i asked if people would want a continuation biiiiiig difference.
so you think you are helping me by telling me i am dumb because i have never taken a writing class before?
and to go to the library because i dont know the first thing about fiction??
well sorry to say but that isnt helping me, that is shoving your opinion down my throat.
if you had said maybe you could add this or i dont quite understand this part i wouldnt have reacted the way i did.
you sir are not trying to help me at all.
not every writing class is the same in every country its different.
just because you got taught a certain way doesnt mean thats how everyone was taught.
you are only doing this because you think you are better than me or any one who writes similar to me.
and i know plenty of people who do.
you just need to learn and maybe understand that everyone is different.
and just so you know if everyone used the exact same techniques and took the exact same classes and wrote EXACTLY the same as every one else we wouldnt have books we would have dictionaries.
so good day and fairwell.
go harrass some one else.

[samparks,sam]

Some One Like You

James walks into Professor Valeus office.

"Oh hi James I was just leaving" you say as you slowly back out towards the door

"Okay thanks for the heads up" he says sarcastically a crease forming between his brows

You quickly open the wooden stained door and step out into the cold wintry winds.
You look up at the grey colored clouds squinting so you don't get snow in your eyes.

When will he just accept me! you think to yourself
Even a Hey Rose, How have you been? Uh I just don't understand I have been nothing but nice to him.

A familiar voice brings you back to earth
"Rose what are you doing out in the cold?"

You look forward to see Chris, he is the quarter back, bench warmer for now, he just hasn't had his time to shine.

"Oh I was just thinking"

"about what?" he asks walking over to you

"I don't know, stuff n thangs ya know" you giggle

Chris looks down and shakes his head a sly smile pulling at the edge of his lips

"you should really stop looking at those TWD memes"

"well its true that's all I ever seem to be doing" You say looking down at the crisp snow wandering when things will get better.

"well maybe we have a movie marathon tonight" Chris questions

"if you want" you reply not really listening to the question

Chris grabs your hand and looks you in the eye

"well what would be your ideal 'cheer up Rose' night?"

You pull your hand out of Chris's you feel the cold swallow you up again

"trust me I would tell you if I could"

"I see, I.... I guess I'll meet you in the suit later if you want"

You look up to see Chris, his face sliding into a frown

"I promise I'll be there"

You lean up to Chris's cheek, lightly touching his skin against your lips.
Warmth fills inside of you.

Chris shoots you one last look before he walks back across the quad.

You sigh and turn back to stare at Professor Valeus door.

'That's it' you think to yourself
'James is going to accept me whether he likes it or not!'

You slide onto a bench nearby the front door
Just as the cold breeze picks up James steps out of Professors office.
He looks as he always does, neutral emotion.

"James wait" you call to him just as he begins to walk

"What is it this time Rose"

As James approaches you pat the empty space next to you.
James nods.

"Look I know you probably have better things to do but i just need to get this off my chest"

James answers you with a questioning look

"I know we don't know each other well and its only been a week since meeting you but I don't understand, is there something wrong with me?"

His eyes grow wide
"something wrong with you?" He grins

"uh yeah... you know the way you act around me its like you hate me"

"Rose I don't hate you, the truth is I have liked you since the moment you have walked into Professors office"

Your stunned
"wha... WHAT?"

"look I'm sorry, your so pretty and intelligent, i wanted to get to know you, but then I saw you and Chris. and honestly you looked so happy together, I didn't want to get in the way of that"

You sigh before drawing in a long cold breath.
"Chris is great and all trust me I like him, But there is something about you James, I don't know what but..."

Before you can finish your sentence you feel James's lips pressing gently against yours.
His hand wraps around your waist...

To be continued...

nice I like

[Amberly]

thank you very much

[Amber C.]

I would definitely agree the grammar needs some touching up. However what seems most off to me is the Point of View...? I don't know if it's just me or not? Hope someone will say, but it just seems awkward to me as the reader? It is almost like you switch between third person and second person? Hopefully I am the only person who has this problem XD which could be, because I don't often read second point of view stuff.

[Amberly]

Okay thanks will try ti fix that in the future i didnt know i did that

[Dust That Drifts Throug..]

This is a good introduction for a story. I'm amazed you came up with this in an hour.

[Amberly]

haha thank you :)
i can come up with things quite quickly i have no idea how but i do

[Sam Son of God]

Nice Job.
Its Pleasure to Read Your Story.
God Bless U

[Amberly]

oh thank you i am glad you enjoyed it.