I Decided to Get Raped

a rambling flow of thought using an intense and horrific experience that is present in our world to help gain understanding and acceptance of ones own life.

The interconnectedness of the world astounds me. Every time I try to grasp separation in the world which are absolutely present, I find myself tearing down the barriers once again. And the weapon for tearing down barriers is logic. But even that is simplified into a choice. The choice is the simplest of all things to understand. With a logical mind everything becomes a choice. Certainties�none. For now though, my own held belief that is the most certain and unavoidable. That everything is perishable. Those that aren't, I believe will be. That belief is based on my choice. I choose to believe that all things are basically the same. Nature has the most impact on the world which I live. To speak of Nature in this sense doesn't not limit itself to trees, rock, dirt, and water. Instead, Nature is the world at its present. The actual. But as I said before the actual is simplified to a choice, or rather a potentially infinite number of choices. Choose what to believe and what not to believe. What are your criteria? What proof do you need? There is absolute reason behind everything. A rape? Yes, even a rape. The absolute reasoning is that it happened. Choices were made. And while guilt, which establishes a moral code right and wrong, is nothing more than an understanding of self. With no certainties in life, except death, everything and anything has the potential of happening. Certain decisions increase those odds, whatever they may be. If someone wants to be rich�they need not learn what rich people do and choose to follow those steps or formula. From there, a persons' own knowledge and ability, is put into practice in our practical world. Your abilities combined with your desires determines the amount of time it takes for that goal to be achieved. And while wealthy families will find the road to wealth possibly at the end of their driveway or down the hall, others will have to be more determined and continue to make choices affirming the desire. Desire and fire sound alike because the both need stoking in order to fuel. Both have the ability to consume the natural world. So use discretion with what you consider a desire and a whim. A desire once ablaze has consequences the same as a fire, some good some bad. We fuel the ones that are beneficial to us and that we can live with their consequences. Suicide is a persons resignation later from the game of life. Merely their way, of saying I can no longer live with the consequences of my choices. Resignation and quitting one and the same, both choices. Reaction to consequence is a choice. A rape is a consequence. I know that must sound brutal. But logically it's true. Maybe not the most practical of examples would be for me to get raped. I'm an addicted to tobacco and eating. Luckily for me my local Safeway has both. So I leave my house at 12:02 to get a feed my midnight madness. I drive the 2 minutes instead of walking the 10. It's dark and don't want to spend my time out in the cold and dark. There's weirdos out. I pull into the empty parking lot. Comment to myself that it's hard to believe I'm the only one with an insatiable want to be found at Safeway at this moment. I was right, there was another. A small woman with a strap on and gun jumps out of the bushes. And says she's going to rape me or kill me, but either way she plans to sate desires tonight. Choice time. I can fight and take the chance of being taken out of this world or bite my lip and take it in the a*s. I know sensitivity has been lost on my rape. But those are the honest ramifications and practicalities to the decision at hand. But at the current moment in time, it's my a*s on the line. So the choices are mine. And being the practical and blunt person I am, those are the two options of my current predicament. This is where the hardest part comes and that is for no one to decide who hasn't been there. "to be or not to be" still hits home. With no other wait out but the bullet or the abuse one must decide if he/she can accept living with the consequences of such a choice. This is one of the reasons that I believe suicide after traumatic instances can be so common regardless of belief, creedo, or race. The decision is entirely personal. And the choice comes down to belief in life and self or something else. But again it's all choice. If I find the value of my life to be less important than the wager, I may rise to the challenge. Someone attacks my mother with a gun. All bets are off I have chosen this person to be more valuable than myself. I fight, Why do I choose that person more valuable than myself? Because of who I am and what I find to acceptable and unacceptable. An act against someone immediately involving my life is a call to action. For me. That decision is based on who I am and who my mother is to me and how interconnected that is. The woman who looked/looks after me, provides for me, shared love for one another�these are all factors that play into my decision. But that decision might only have to choice a yes or no, but the reasoning can and inevitably will. Because while similarities are present our personal experience is specific to ourselves. That is our past.

One's past is exactly that the past. And of this moment events of fact in the past cannot be changed. So back to my situation at hand. A choice to be made. Death or life? The bullet or the rape? I choose life, thus the rape. I understand there are sick people in this world. Evil people in this world. Their choices combined with their knowledge and ability establishes the echelon of our world. Just like in the animal world, there are leaches and parasites who do what they do. They make the choices of survival based on their own personal knowledge and ability. So to believe that all are such as I seems na�ve. So yes there are jackals in this world who wear human clothing. Being cogniscent of our choices is all that really separates us from the animals. No one else finds it odd that we can find correlations between ourselves and other things around us? I know I am not a rock, but sometimes I act like a rock. I sit I let time pass me time and Nature have it's way with me. The me with out a will is a rock. So impossible to be how I could one day become a rock? I don't believe so. All great metaphors and analogies are mere glimpses of possibilities. That's why the great ones truly resonate with us. The thought, the consciousness of a new idea or the possibility of discovering a truth of Nature, excites and inspires us. Because living in the world we do, once an acceptance of interconnectedness is .chosen, any bridge to anything is possible. While I don't mean that you can literally be a frog. But if you enjoy the water and hopping around and that becomes your desire, don't be surprised if you purchase a pair of fins and scuba set.
        So now seeing that we are what we feed. We choose who we are. And yes, Nature has influence on our life. More than the sunshine or the rain that may interfere with our plans, people who surround us have influence. Some more than others. A child persay. A child is a blank slate. Whatever you want to teach your child you can, if you choose. This is right, this is wrong. Be a doctor. Be a plumber. And while the child is with you, you are the real world. Two things here. A child will learn about you from how and what you tell them. The good and the bad. But eventually the decision is their own. When they use their own compass of good and bad to decide what role they want for their parents in their lives. This choice is the scariest one for any parent. I raised them the best way I chose or at least you raised them by choosing what consequences they could live with.

Think of our good friend Santa Claus. St. Nicholas could have been a real person. A saintly man who delivered children to girls and boys. But to believe that a phantom spirit or ever-lasting man is around dispersing presents to all the good boys and girls, if far fetched for the developed mind. The mind who sees the world around them and makes decisions. If you truly see and can make that choice than so be it. For whatever reason, if a person has to lie to themselves and go beyond reason or logic, there must be a reason. That reasoning depends on the persons choice and how they came to it. That conclusion is determined by self. Self is made up of choices and knowledge and ability. For me, seeing my dad's Santa suit in the closet after I watched his "capture of Santa" on film was the last of the evidence I needed to choose to no longer lie to myself. One of the first of many blind beliefs which I chose to cast away.

A reflection on the past is merely a tool to explain the present. But each present is simultaneously an event of the past . Moments are gone as soon as they are realized. Every moment is a new opportunity for choice. To continue with the way things are choose something different. Thus the only real way to impact the moment is to make choices. To live in the present a mind must be conscious and active. Realizing that all actions are choices. Choosing to act , to do, to believe. All decisions are yours and mine and ours alone. The consequences are determined by Nature. Choose to walk in the snow in shorts and sandals get frost bite. Kill someone in America and risk being killed yourself. Kill someone somewhere else and face their laws. O yes geographic location is all part of Nature. Different strokes for different folks. If you don't believe me take a gorgeous blond in a classy and conservative tank top to Iraq and realize what their knowledge and ability can do and how they are able to justify the choices they would make. Don't like an aspect of the world than don't feed it/ The Muslim who sees the foreign women beaten for her immodest clothing in his societies has eyes has options/choices. Speak out and defend her? Chances are that he would be killed as well. Noble yes and that is his legacy. His choice. But life over death again is his choice�He could move? Give America a try. Immodest behavior by his societies standards are rampant here. Come to the land of tolerance and opportunity. Sure oppression will be waiting depending on where you move. Intolerance of difference is all around. I'm more tolerant than others because in the world I live in that is more acceptable. But I still think about moving to a place with more similar standards of tolerance and beliefs to my own. Yet I choose the comfort of my life including it's consequences good or bad. The desire has not yet ignited a choice of action. My background and my make up of past choices help me to decide what I can and can't live with. What can and can't you live with? Personal choices.

So I chose life. I chose to allow myself to be raped because the consequences of the other option was not satisfactory. I have yet to make my peace with the world. But knowing that I chose to live is a powerful choice. I do not fully know what it's like to be raped and so thus I cannot say what my next choice after rape would be�but I made the choice to have another one. Nature has an imaginable will. With all the people and all the organisms and stuff that makes up this world, Nature has the ability to overpower a single persons will. A person chooses to make the Safeway parking lot at 12:02 the home of a killing spree instead of a rape. They decide to purchase a gun and shoot the first person out of their car in the head. Well I still decide that I need dip and food and hope out of my car. Two wills collide. Two choices battle. But this persons knowledge and ability in this situation is greater than my own. BOOM. I'm dead no more choices, just eternal consequence for my decision to get my fixes. So in a way I died of my own free will. I lived a life of my own choices. I lived a life of me. A me that in all honesty I can be proud of and pleased with. This is my only true wish of these words. To realize that life is a choice. Nature has a will of its own sometime. Apparent in every other living and non living thing in the world. So why as humans would we be any different. Our difference, as human beings, is our ability to reason and decide to choose. So whatever your situation, whatever your circumstance. Be active in your own life. Make your choices. And be able to accept the consequences of those choices good and bad. And be able to be proud at the end that you lived a life of you.