Constantly Consuming

            “What’s wrong, Kitten?” my lover asked, stroking my cheek softly with a finger. I could hear the concern in his voice.

“Nothing,” I replied unconvincingly, trying to think away the thoughts of my encounter with my mother, though my efforts proved unsuccessful.

“Is it about your mum?” He asked softly, gazing down into my eyes, studying every intricate detail of my soul.

“Sort of,” I sighed. “She does my head in.”

“I know, pet, I know.” And I knew that he did. Other than my father, my lover was the only one that ever even attempted to understand the abstruse thoughts that sparked through my mind. Unlike my father, my lover did understand most of which consumed my thoughts; not because he had been through the same things as me himself, but because he actually listened to me on the ever rare occasions that I opened up to him. He listened to me and he considered what I had said. Of course, there would be some things he could never understand, they were simply too esoteric. Some things I had to deal with on my own.

            His arms were wrapped around me and he hugged me close to his body. Blinking away the tears, I buried my face in his shoulder and held him as close to me as I could. His arms tightened around me and I tried to relax into his body, but my muscles were too tense from the stress and anger my mother had caused me to feel. I sobbed relentlessly into his shoulder, my body shaking as I held him and he held me. My nails dug into his back as more thoughts of my past filled my mind, causing the anger inside me to swell. I had the urge to break things, to smash things up beyond recognition.

“Calm down, Kitten.” His gentle whisper probed into my ear, interrupting my previous thoughts. I didn’t reply, I just continued to cry on him, occasionally gasping for my breath.

            Eventually, the tears subsided and I looked up at him. A small smile grew on his face as his eyes studied mine and suddenly I was safe again. His lips brushed over my forehead in a loving gesture to which I attempted to return a smile.

“Let’s go out.” He suggested.

“Where?” I asked meekly, barely above a whisper.

“Where ever you like, my Kitten.” He kissed my cheek tenderly.

“Okay. Let me fix my face first.”

 

*                      *                      *                      *

I sat still on the black sheets of the bed; my knees were pulled up and pressed against my chest with my arms wrapped tightly around them as I rocked gently, a feeling of numbness consuming my entire being. No more dark thoughts of my past or my mother filled my mind. Instead I thought of nothing, staring aimlessly at my reflection in the mirror which hung elegantly on the wall opposite the side of the bed. My hair was hanging lifelessly around my face and my eyes looked like hollow red holes in my face from where I had been crying.

Summoning energy I did not think I had, I stood up off of the bed and attempted to compose myself. My make-up bag lay open atop one of the small chests of drawers, so I picked it up and tipped the contents out of it over the drawers. Various bottles and tubes of liquids spilled out over the drawers, my pot of eyeliner rolling across the wooden surface before stopping just short of falling off of it. Pale foundation hid the evidence of my earlier breakdown and eyeliner accentuated the shape of my eyes, reviving me. After dragging a brush through my hair, I slipped on a short black dress and tied the lace that weaved so delicately down the front of it.

I was pulling some tights up over my legs when my lover appeared in the door way; I wouldn’t have noticed him if it were not for the shadow that stretched across the bedroom floor. At the sight of his silhouetted shadow, my eyes were drawn to his figure standing in the doorway. Just like every time I looked at him, my heart paused for a second and my body was filled with surging warmth. I couldn’t explain why just seeing him made me feel like that, but it did, and I rather liked it, especially after the antecedent incidents that had occurred earlier in the day.

Within seconds, the silhouette that stood in the doorway was now by my side on the edge of the bed with an arm placed tenderly around my waist. I tipped my head so it was delicately resting on his shoulder and I smiled a smile of contentment; no matter what else had happened and will happen to me, my lover always made me happy. He was the only person I could rely on.

“Where do you want to go then, Kitten?” He asked, his velvet voice breaking the silence.

“Surprise me.” Truthfully, I didn’t really feel like going out somewhere this evening, I’d have much preferred to snuggle up on the sofa with my lover with a few glasses of wine and a scary movie playing.

“We can stay in tonight, if you would prefer, honey.” And just like always, he had read my mind. I should’ve been expecting it by now, it was a more than regular occurrence, though it still freaked me out slightly.

After taking off my dress and tights and swapping it for one of my lovers t-shirts, we descended the stairs to the living room. I collapsed onto the sofa with a sigh and tucked my legs under myself, waiting for my lover to fetch the wine. When my lover returned, I shuffled around so that he was sat behind me but to the side with his arm around me. Holding my glass of wine in one hand, I stroked his leg lovingly with the other. Though the thoughts that crossed my mind were far from loving.

 I imagined how exhilarating it would feel to hurt my mother as much as she and her wanker of a husband had hurt me. How satisfying it would be to hear her gurgling scream of agony as I tore a knife through her body the way she had torn a knife through my soul.

The though pleased me a lot more than it probably should, but I did not care. She deserved everything that was coming to her.