Tainted

A Chapter by Benny

I’m walking the hallway in a daze; I thought it would feel better if I had told the truth, but I was wrong, now I felt an even bigger shame. They had been right, no one would believe me. Why had I thought that I could change things, that I could control my own life?

The only thing I have done is prove that I’m a nuisance. I know I’m going to hell for being a dirty little Skank, they tell me so every single day.

If I dared shed a tear and showed weakness, they will gang up on me, they will hit me and punch me. Being 13 wasn’t easy, but being a 13 year old girl in high school was harder.

How did I believe their lies every single day? When I already knew what the truth was. They would tell me that I was the lie, that I wasn’t wanted. They convinced that everything that was going on was in my head, it wasn’t real. Or did I just convince myself to get away from it all?

The teachers were staring at me today, they knew I was the liar, but...was I? I was so far gone now that I couldn’t remember. Surely I would know if I had been lying? Why would I lie about such a hideous thing? All the girls stared at me and gave me nasty looks. They wanted to hurt me, I could see it in their eyes. They wanted to make themselves feel better. They hated the way I dressed, the way I talked. Would they believe me, if I told them? I guess not, not when my favourite teacher refused to believe me and wipe my tears.

I walked home on my own and took a short cut through the park, I couldn’t go home yet, and surely the school must have phoned and told them what had happened. I couldn’t face any of them, not right now. I made the decision to sit down against my favourite tree. Leaning against it, I toyed with idea of calling my boyfriend...but would even he understand? Or would he panic and leave me too.

Tears slid down my cheek, I couldn’t stop them now. They didn’t want to stop; this was the only time they could flow freely, without being restricted. I took out of my pocket the thing I had been hiding all day. I thought about everything that had happened to this day. Nobody knew how I was feeling; nobody knew what I went through everyday just to end with this moment, this loss.

I put my hand on my stomach because of a sudden ache and whispered goodbye. This had to end today I couldn’t take it any longer, I tried to scream for help but they hadn’t listened, I was done playing games. They would never know what I was feeling at this moment; I would die tainted with the knowledge that I didn’t know who the father of my baby was...

My boyfriend?

My brother?

Or my father?

I put the barrel to my head and pulled the trigger.