How I Feel

Just had to let some things out before they destroyed me.

I feel like puking just to get rid of this feeling.  I hate that I cannot tell you how I feel.  I hate that I need you more than you need me, even though it has not always been that way.  I hate feeling like you do not want me around, like you do not want to talk to me, like you do not want to be with me.  I hate feeling so pathetic.  I hate telling myself I am not going to talk to you, only to run back to your feet.  I hate how you dont understand, even though you used to.  I hate how you seem to not care enough.  I hate giving 100% and feeling like I only get 20% back.  I hate telling myself that I am just being dramatic, but feeling the pain anyway.  I hate that I cry, and try to hide it from you, because even though I want you to ask what is wrong, I dont want you to give up so easily when I shrug it off.  I dont want you to get mad when I finally tell you.  I dont want to be the one to apologize and tuck all the pain back inside myself.  I hate how you say you cannot be my knight in shining armor, when you were doing a fine job before.  I hate how you suddenly need time away from me, even though at first you were the one who always needed me around.  I hate that I have to tell this to strangers because I am too afraid to tell you.  I hurt so bad and feel like you do not care.  Even though you know I am hurting.  I hate that I am clingy and that I need you so much, but I cannot help it.  It is the way I am.  It used to be okay. It used to mean I cared about you, but now you think its a bad thing.  I hate how we never talk, but if I say that you get mad and say we talk all the time.  Talking about games and football and what we are doing at the moment doesnt count.  I hate feeling so alone.

 

I hate asking

myself everyday

if you really

want to be

with me.