Roller Coaster

This is my first poem/song! I'm not too sure on it and it does not make very much sense but that's why I am posting here to get feedback. Also, is it a song or a poem? I'm not sure...

Its just a roller coaster of feelings 

and I cant get it to stop or slow down

and I know that I'll never get my feet back on the ground 

I know my promises will never be found

Not at this rate, not how people are going to cooperate 

I know the tension is crawling around like a bug on the outside of the glass

cant get it down or around and just stare and watch it ponder

thinking, will I jump off and leave this soul or will I be carried to their grave

I just cant figure out how things are going to go down 

how people will stomp me out. 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is a strong poem becuz you express yourself in lively original imagery. When a poet starts out with a metaphor like "Roller Coaster" this can become an extended metaphor by picking related imagery. Examples: my guts are going topsy-turvy, this restraint bar is ready to come undone, why did I pick the front car? It feels like the rails are slamming into my face!

Conversely, your poem brings in a wide variety of metaphors & some have the up-and-down sensation like a roller coaster has, but overall, your metaphors are not very related so they don't build up to a fulsome feeling of what you want the reader to feel. Lots of people write with mixed metaphors & there's nothing wrong with doing that. Lots of people don't even notice. But I'm just giving you a place to grow, to possibly come up with extended metaphors instead of mixed metaphors.

As for this being a song, I wouldn't consider this a song. People who fall in love with a song do so becuz there is one repetitive line or idea that's really catchy & you can't get it out of your mind. Also the idea of roller coaster COULD BE a catchy idea, but it's not developed into a something that pounds into our brains & makes us keep on running those words thru our brains. The place to begin is to find a snappy way to suggest that up-and-down topsy-turvy sensation . . . and keep this as a central idea by repeating it or restating it in a little bit different terms, but always reminding us why we love this song & can't get it out of our heads.

This is just my opinion. Lots of people do songs that are more random & hopping around some. If this is what you want to write, then go for it. I'm just trying to give you ideas of places where you can grow your writing (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Lisasview]

I like the name and the metaphor of a roller coaster.
I agree with barley girl...
Your poem just needs a bit of editing because your thoughts are very good.
Lisa, early morning in Spain