Upon a time

He was told to stay home today. It wasn’t safe anymore. His doctor told him to stay home and call if he needed help. The world was too loud, too fast, too uneven. So he did what he did every day. All he could hear was the ticks. Every second on the second. The steady sound made him safe. The ticking was the only thing constant in his always moving world. He took fourteen steps to the end of the hallway placing his foot down as his clocks ticked. He waited sixteen seconds and turned around. He waited exactly four seconds and then waited to look down at his right arm. His four watches ticked eight times and then all his sixty-four clocks and four watches rang exactly eight times. He walked twenty-four steps to the end of his hallway and as his feet stopped so did the clocks. Everything was perfect. Exactly one minute and eight seconds. He breathed a sigh of contempt and scanned the room adjacent to the open-faced hallway. Perfect. Everything where it belonged and everything on time. He listened to the perfect chiming of the clocks. “Tick Tick Tock Tock, Tick Tick Tock Tock, Tick Tick Tock Tock.”

Two hours, sixteen minutes and twenty-three seconds later he rang up the doctor to check in. “Dr. Reinfelds’ office. May I ask who’s speaking?” the female voice answered.

“Yes hello Susan. It’s Paul.”

“Oh Mr. Reeves what a delight. Dr. Reinfelds just left. He said he was going to drop by your place for some time and maybe a spot of tea. Be a dear and put a kettle of his favourite on won't you?”

“Of course. Earl Grey is still his favourite, yes?”

“You do know him quite well Mr. Reeves. I am sure you are feeling better than last week? No more manic tendencies or anything?”

“Oh, you are quite right. I may even ask the doctor to go into town with me today.”

“My dear Paul, are you sure you can handle that? Remember last time when you believed the lady at the checking was rushing a trolley at you on purpose?”

“Yes, I do remember that vividly. No I am feeling better today than I have in a long time. Wait Dr. Reinfelds told you of that?!”

“Yes, he and I are very close. I shall talk to you later Mr. Reeves. I have a number of unhappy patients on my hands here. Goodbye.”

“Yes goodbye Susan. We shall speak on tues- ‘Click’ -day.”

He looked down at the phone in alarm. “Did she just hang up on me?” He asked quite astonished. He placed the phone back in it’s cradle on the wall and turned towards the kitchen. “I might as well start the tea.” As he turned and entered the kitchen Paul glanced at the stack of his notes and online medical summaries concerning the experimental trial he was placed on. Perched atop the tower was the unopened bottle of pills prescribed by Dr. Reinfelds.

He scooped two spoons of the finely ground black powder into the tin kettle and closed the lid firmly. He flicked on the gas then reached over the kettle and grabbed the matches. Paul flicked open the box with one hand spilling matches onto the floor. “No no no. Not again.” He bent down and picked up the matches one by one. “One two three four five six seven eight nine.”He counted. “Wait no no no. There are ten. Where is it? Where?!” He yelled exasperatedly. Looking down at his trembling hands gripping the edge of the counter, his knuckles white, he noticed the tenth match sitting precariously on the edge of the counter threatening to fall. He snatched the match and put it away in the box with the others. Paul tapped his ring on the counter along with the ticks of the many time-keepers. Tap tap tap…

Paul Reeves stopped tapping when the clocks chimed out nine times. “Oh dear the doctor will be here soon. I must start this tea.” He felt very light headed. He finally picked up the matches and carefully opened the box pulling out two fresh matches. He placed the first down on the counter perpendicular to the edge. Perfect. He ran the smooth potassium chlorate covered end along the rough phosphorous strip on the box. The match snapped and flared to life enveloping the red bit of the wooden stick with bright blue fire and quickly dimming back to red and finally to a sharp yellow. Paul smiled and lowered the match to the open petrol line of the burner. A knock at the door startled Paul, and he inadvertently dropped the match into the spout of the kettle subduing the flame. He glared down the hallway at the door. Might that be the doctor? Another crisp knock confirmed his suspicions. Paul Reeves knew that knock quite well from the frequent visits from Dr. Reinfelds.

Paul walked down the hall and reached for the handle but stopped himself. He withdrew his hand and looked through the small hole in his door. He recognized Dr. Reinfelds white teeth and midnight black hair steeling himself for the coming talk unable to stop himself from turning the handle. Dr. Reinfelds swung the door open.“Hello Paul.” he bellowed out in his signature monotone voice; seemingly calm but Paul could hear the underlying touches of nervousness. Paul doubted the doctor’s calm demeanor and looked him over noticing the bags under his eyes.

“Hello Doctor, you’re doing well I presume?”

Dr. Reinfelds voice faltered, “Please it’s Thomas, and yes, yes I am Paul.” Doctor Reinfelds hung his rugged dirt covered jacket on the nearby rack and in doing so knocked the prescription and the entirety of the medicines information onto the wooden floor. Paul bent to pick up the mess and slipped the bottle into his jacket pocket before the doctor could notice. Doctor Reinfelds reached to help pick up the papers causing a shiny gold pocket watch to fall out of his shirt. Paul stared as it dangled on its thin silver chain.

“What have you got there doctor?” Paul inquired.

“Oh this thing?” Thomas Reinfelds asked fondling the bit through his shirt. “It’s a timepiece Susan gave me for my birthday today. You did remember didn't you Paul?”

Paul’s eyes grew wide as he just stared at the doctor. “Oh my” He stuttered out.

“What is it, Paul?”

“I forgot. I never forget. Doctor I am so sorry.”

“It’s completely alright, I understand.” Doctor Reinfelds spoke.

Paul crumpled to the floor grabbing at his head, his whole body shook. Thomas acted fast and grabbed paul lifting him over his shoulder and moving him into the living room. He set him down on the couch and removed Paul’s overcoat and many watches. Dr. Reinfelds hung Paul’s coat and almost sprinted out of the room. He left the front door open and bolted. The last thing Paul saw was the doctor’s torn black boots re-entering the room carrying a brown medical bag.

Paul awoke and saw Dr. Reinfelds sitting on the couch opposite him. “What time is it?” He asked, fear filling his mind.

“About seven according to your many clocks.” Thomas replied

Reviews

[Gary H]

I like the idea of this. The setting in my eyes is early 19th Century. Maybe a few more descriptions of surroundings would build a picture for the reader although maybe I am wrong and you have a different time period in mind. There are many ways of building your story up which may be of interest to you. For example, you can take a scene and add absolutely everything you can think of in it. Then when you have built it up, edit edit and edit until you have stripped everything back. The purpose of this is to get you into the story like if you were painting a picture but you only need to reveal what you want the reader to see. With characters you can work out what they look like. Again, you don't have to tell the reader - or you can tell them some bits - this helps you to get inside who you are writing about. I'm sure this story is going to be very good. Keep going.

[WriterGirl247247]

Interesting story. Paul seems complex and with many layers, which immediately makes your reader invested to learn more about him.

A few suggestions, if that's alright.

The voice you use to narrate is great, but when a character speaks it should be less formal. Each character should sound different from each other, so the reader can easily identify them. The narrator should have a more advanced vocabulary than the characters.

Be careful with lengthy descriptions. With the match being lit, the lengthy description pulls the reader out of the story. The best writing advice: less is more. Describe what you have to and move on. Still describe the color change of the match, but cut out a few words. The first section with you detailing Paul's ritual is fine, since it's relevant to the story and the character.

You have a few sentences that seem to run on. Add a few commas or break them up. A small change like a comma can make a sentence flow so easily.

When Paul passes out, I didn't realize he fainted until he woke up. Maybe try adding "As his world began to fade away, the last thing he saw..." or something like that. And add how he was feeling. Did his heart race? Could he breathe? Get inside his head.

Don't mean to be nitpicky, but near the end you forgot to capitalize Paul and missed a period on the last sentence. Easy fix.

Great story so far. I look forward to chapter two.

[Blake Packard]

Thank you so much for this review. It has helped me greatly and I seemed to find an ending for this story by accident. (so no chapter two) Thank you ever so much for taking the time to read this over and helping me to become a better writer.

[Valentine]

Blake, you say that you are only 16 and just getting started at writing. This is very well written and you hold the readers interest wondering just what is wrong with Paul. You also described the things Paul repeats over and over very well. Welcome to the writers café. Valentine

[Blake Packard]

Yes, I have been on multiple occasions praised for my writing skill by my English teachers. Thank you greatly for the review. I will be updating this story soon to include an ending. I thank you for the warm welcome and always remember, "Even when the book ends, the story has not."

[Blake Packard]

Sorry about this. I'm not done as of yet.