True History III: The Kaleidoscope and Kanada

everything in this story is 100% true, and fact checked down to the last detail. despite the rampant complaints that my "true histories" aren't exactly true, i stand behind them and stake my reputation on their accuracy and veracity.

The Klu Klux Klan (from here on referred to as the KKK, or the triple K, or Kellogg's Special K) was at one time the most influential ruling force in the United States. This was long before the modern age of reality TV and hybrid cars--this was in the ancient 1950's.

 

How does the KKK have any bearing on the kaleidoscope? Well, if you're that stupid and can't see the obvious connection, then keep reading and be enlightened. And if you know the connection and keep reading anyway, then you're stupidererer because you're wasting your time.

 

History books won't spill the secrets of the KKK in America. They won't tell how the triple K was actually started by Bill Cosby and Richard Dean Anderson (better known as MacGyver) as an afterschool project for playing Dungeons & Dragons. But the truth is exactly that. It was at the height of both TV series The Cosby Show and MacGgyver, which most people don't realize were actually being aired in the 1950's under different names, with different actors and even completely different plots. Nevertheless, these shows were respectively The Cosby Show and MacGyver.

 

(In case your soft-toothed grandparents hear this story and call it hogwash and demand to know what the fake TV show names were, tell them this: They were both called "the six o'clock news". Then wheel Ethel and Gordon onto the sunporch, toss them a few yogurts and come back to finish reading.)

 

As a fanbase grew for both TV shows and the Dungeons & Dragons empire started by Anderson and Cosby failed to take off, there needed to be a paradigm shift away from swords and sorcery and towards pasty white conservatism.

 

Because Anderson was a native of Canada and Cosby was a native of Africa, the duo decided to move to Canada to further their operations, mostly due to the comforts of indoor plumbing and bedsheets which were available in the great north. As is still true, things that are popular the world over are still unknown to Canada, and so Cosby and Anderson had a tough time finding a foothold for their new as-of-yet untitled project.

 

(Some other examples of this Canadian phenomenon of ignorance towards world progress are: (1) the lack of Taco Bells in Montreal (2) the success of Brian Adams (3) the insistence on using the liter and the kilometer (4) trees.)

 

On the verge of utter failure in the Canadian wild, Cosby struck upon a brilliant gesture requiring little effort and even fewer annoying facial expressions or whiny catch phrases from Rudy or Vanessa. It was the Kanadian Kandle Klub, an at-home shopping channel that would allow smarmy backwoods illiterates to buy deisgner candles, with or without Dungeons & Dragons motifs engraved, and burn them inside their wigwams, igloos, and teepees.

 

Cosby's main catch was that Kandles with wizards, elves, and halflings engraved in them would be six shells (the monetary unit of Canada in the 1960's) and Kandles without those same majestic engravings would be 39 shells. Anderson objected to this genius plan, but Cosby fixed this by having him "killed" in season 347 of MacGyver. "Killed" is in quotes because all Canadians, housewives, and Amish know that MacGgyver can't really be killed. He just runs out of tampons and coffee grounds from time to time.

 

The Kanadian Kandle Kompany took off somewhat better than the Challenger would thirty years hence, and sales of Kandles even paralleled those of mood rings, chia pets, and the glorious 70's cocaine substitute "Toot". Cosby was so stoked he nearly changed his name to Kosby, but due to its Central European sound he decided against it.

 

Millions upon millions of Kandles flooded the Canadian market, which up to that point in time had mostly been driven by wood mulch and flannel. Like all successful businessmen, Cosby began to experiment with drugs, scheduled bathing, and Iranian prostitutes. His business began to suffer, but for Cosby there were just too many distractions. He began to transfer massive amounts of money to his Middle Eastern accounts, and slowly kill off the Kanadian Kandle Kompany's empire.

 

He became a sultan in some backwater tar pit in the deserts of Oman and with his title, his name changed. He went by Kasbah instead of Cosby, and eventually The Clash would write a timeless rock hit about their extended sex affair with the Kandle King. The song was "Rock the Kasbah." Later spellings would change the K to a C (like they already had in children, camera, and cream cheese).

 

Kasbah went on an epic binge of Middle Eastern hallucinogens made up mostly of a*s sweat and camel vomit, and it was during this time that he began to see visions. Shortly before his death in 1991, Kasbah actually invented a one-sided telescope through which he could see absolutely nothing. He believed it kept his eye from colliding with whatever was at the other end, and so he called it a Kaleidoscope.

 

The rest is just natural: he died while having intercourse with a hollowed out pomegranate and was "buried" Middle East style by being thrown into the Persian Gulf. Meanwhile, back in Canada the economy was suffering. Because of the widespread use of the Kanadian Kandle, electricity had been discontinued and when the Kandle Kompany crashed there was major strife.

 

Some angry backwoods types joined up and created the new KKK to mock Kasbah's Kandle Kompany and they dedicated themselves to tracking down and butchering the rest of the Cosbys (who just HAPPENED to be black). After killing Claire, Rudy, Theo, the other one, the other one, and the half white one, they kind of just kept going. No harm intended, really, eh?