Hard To Get A Date

Hey, welcome to another great episode of Hard To Get A Date. I'm your host Rip Matthews and tonight we've got another bachelorette looking for love with three more eager daters!

 

Now, before the show started I sat down with our beautiful bachelorette and put together a list of questions that would help her determine her perfect love match. She' s all ready and waiting backstage now, but first let's meet our three daters.

 

Dater #1 is a 32 year-old assistant to the assistant manager at Best Buy. He's currently saving to move out of his parents' basement and in his free time he enjoys online Halo tournaments and writing vampire stories. He hopes our bachelorette will let him take a bite out of her!

 

Dater #2 is a 24 year-old entertainer from West Palm Beach, Florida. He's a Florida State student majoring in Domestic Relations who hopes today's bachelorette will let him show her his tomahawk chop. When he's not hitting the books he's hitting the waves; he's an avid surfer and beach body builder.

 

And Dater #3 tonight is a homeopathic chakra coordinator--whoa! that's a mouthful!--from Cedar Springs, Michigan. He's a very young 47 years old and looking for a younger woman who can keep up with his pace. He runs a center for meditation and herbal healing out of his home and hopes today's bachelorette has the cure for what's ailing him.

 

Okay, so on to our bachelorette. She's a 25 year old kindergarten teacher from Marietta, Georgia. She says she's a southern belle who keeps in shape with running and dance, and when she's not chasing kids around the classroom she likes to unwind next to the fireplace with some wine and a good book. Let's see if any of today's daters can light her fire, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Stacey Anderson!

 

(studio applause)

 

Hi there, Stacy. It's nice to have you on the show tonight.

 

Thanks, Rip, it's great to be here!

 

Okay then, let's get right down to it--and let me tell you guys, I know you can't see here because you're on the other side of the screen but, boy, she wasn't lying about the staying in shape part!

 

(studio laughing)

 

Alright, Stacey, I'll turn it over to you.

 

Okay. Dater number one, what would your friends probably say is the best quality you have?

 

Hi, Stacy. Umm, well my offline friends would probably say that I'm funny and easy to talk to, and my online friends would probably say that I'm ferocious and mysterious. I'm a Scorpio, so, yeah, you know.

 

Uh...okay..thanks number one. Dater number two, same question.

 

Well, Stace it's like this. My friends would say I'm the one with the looks to thrill and the moves to kill. They'd probably say something about my washboard abs and my hips. Baby, it's all in the hips.

 

Ooooh, sounds nice number two, maybe you can show me some of those moves. Dater number three, sometimes after a long week I just want to stay home on a Friday night. What would we do on a low-key Friday night in?

 

Great question. I think I would start out meeting you at the door and taking your bag and shoes. Then I'd carry you into the kitchen and lay you on the table and stretch your hamstrings and quads. I might put a Wajibi mud mask on your face and cook you some radish greens and pine nuts. I'd put on some Navajo purifying chants that would really transport you to a clean mental space and then maybe some tomato root tea with acacia oil infused or...

 

Okay, great, number three. That sounds really...relaxing.

 

I'm also a licensed yoga instructor so maybe I'd rub you down with fish oil and...

 

No, really, number three, that's wonderful. Thanks for the imagery, really, just really...whew! Uh, back to dater number one. What was your last girlfriend like and why did you break up?

 

My last girlfriend was a tenth level wizard with bonuses in intelligence and dexterity. I met her in my gaming chatroom when she killed off my dwarf with a dragonfire spell. He didn't really die though because he was wearing a ring of resurrection so his hit points never went down past one. I was able to use my backup character, my 3rd level cleric, as a healer and bring him back to life. It's basically the only reason I keep the cleric around because his attack power isn't that good unless he's fighting the undead and in our world the only way we meet zombies is in Zoltan's castle. But that's only on Tuesday's when we play quests in his castle, I think she killed my dwarf on a Friday.

 

Oh, well, what kind of things did you do with her, when you weren't online? And why did you break up?

 

We went to see the Star Wars Trilogy together, in full costume of course. I was Hans Solo and she was Princess Leia. We went to Olive Garden for our one year anniversary, then we rented Grand Theft Auto and stayed up all night trying to beat the San Francisco level. It got pretty hot and sweaty in my bedroom that night, and my thumbs were sore for a week!

 

Uh, dater number two, can you answer that question, please?

 

I don't like to use the term girlfriend. I mean, who really needs to put labels on things like that. I just have a couple of girls that I see. I get approached by alot of women so I always am dating a few at a time. I guess most of the girls I go out with have some money, and alot of them seem to be married or have kids. I like girls who aren't afraid to take it off or take some chances. The last time a girl stopped seeing me was probably because she couldn't handle the competition of the other girls I was seeing.

 

Ok, thanks for the honesty, number three. Another question for you, who do you think should pay for a date?

 

Well, I usually have alot of ones on me so I don't like to pay a dinner check with those. I figure if the woman is getting me on her arm for a night, why shouldn't she pay for dinner at least? I mean, it's really her husband who's paying for it anyway.

 

I'm not sure I agree with that, but okay. Moving on, number one, where do you see yourself in ten or fifteen years?

 

Well, I've been saving money to move out, so I'll probably have my own apartment by then. It'll probably have a huge flat screen tv and maybe a waterbed, too. I'll be the assistant manager at Best Buy by that time, and I'll probably have like a twenty or thirty percent discount storewide. My Vampire Kiss trilogy will be published and then be made into a movie starring Angelina Jolie and Russell Crowe. I might have a recording studio in my basement, too, where I'll put out like Nine Inch Nails type stuff and have my own record label. I'll be pretty successful all around. I'm also saving up to buy an Elven battle sword from the flea market. It's like $650 but the guy says it's worth like a thousand.

 

Wow, that sounds like, like you have alot on your plate. It's good to have goals to work toward. Dater number three, where do you see yourself in fifteen years? You'll be what, sixty, seventy, then?

 

(audience laughs, dater number three laughs, too)

 

My child, in Earth years I will be sixty-two in fifteen years, but in cosmic time I will only be a baby. In the grand universal scheme, a year is but a drop in the ocean of existence. In fifteen of these Earth years, I plan on franchising my Holistic Healing Center and having one in L.A., one in New York, and maybe one in Seattle. I'm going to beging extracting my own herb oils and exfoliating scrubs from tree bark and I'm going to market them to Bath & Body Works. In fifteen years, my outer shell may look much different, but my chi will be singing the songs of a thousand young butterflies.

 

Wow, that's really a great way to look at age, number three. I really envy your outlook.

 

Thank you. We are all just children of the timeless Mother Seed. We are rays of light spinning in space towards a black hole of further existence in the next life.

 

Uh, now you lost me. I'm going to stick with the first part of your answer. Okay, dater number two, tell me your definition of romance.

 

My definition of romance is...well...that's a really tough one. I think romance means so many different things. I think romance is the sweat caught in the fine hairs along an arm. I think romance is a sexy look form across a smoky club with a strobe light flashing. Romance is even when someone can tell you that your g-string isn't riding right. Romance is rubbing body oil on each other's bodies, gyrating to a dance beat, just working that pole...

 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, number two I hate to interrupt but we have to go to commercial break. We'll be right back with more Hard To Get A Date, don't go anywhere.

 

(audience applauses)

 

Excuse me, Rip, can you get any better answers from thee guys? They're all creepy. This isn't what I signed up for, you know.

 

Well, I'm not in control of their answers, you know. This is called Hard To Get A Date for a reason, Stacey. These guys aren't used to talking to stunning women like yourself. I'll talk to them before we come back from break.

 

How's it going so far? Did she tell you which one of us she likes so far?

 

Actually guys, she's a little bit weirded out by some of your answers. You've got to remember, you're trying to impress her, right? Don't tell her all the little things that she might find weird. She can find them out on her own after you've been dating, right? Ok, fellas, we're back on in fifteen seconds. Just try to stay cool and give impressive answers, even if you have to lie a little bit.

 

(audience applauses)

 

Welcome back to Hard To Get A Date. We're here with three fantastic daters and a bachelorette looking for love. Let's let her ask some more questions and then we'll put her on the spot for a decision. Okay, Stacey, ask away.

 

Dater number one, what do you look for in a woman? What really turns you on?

 

Stacey, you're really turning me on, even from the other side of the screen. I'm used to dating girls without being able to see them. I dated a girl on Yahoo for a whole summer. She was from Germany and she had tons of piercings. I have a really good imagination so I don't need a girl to do everything for me. We can just chat online and it turns me on. I guess I like girls who know about movies and don't mind that I quote back all my favorite lines while we watch. I need a girl who's into Medieval Festivals and Renaissance Faires, and she has to know the difference between a shortsword and a longsword. By the way, in case yuo're wondering, my last girlfriend said mine was definitely a longsword.

 

I'm not quite sure how to take that...so...yeah...uh, dater number two, what do you look for in a woman?

 

It's easy. I don't like to play games like the boy here or the old man. I know what I want and I go for it. I like women who have their own income, are really flexible...in every way, and women who don't get too jealous. Let's face it, she's not going to be the only one who's ever seen this packagae unwrapped and under her tree.

 

I can respect that. I'm not all about playing games either, so maybe we would get along. Dater number three, what would you say is a fault of yours, or something you need to improve at?

 

I am constantly trying to better myself, through tantric breathing, intensive yoga, sweat purging, and even acupuncture. I still admit though that I have some shortcomings. I was born a physical being as well as a spiritual soul and my subconscious mind has tied me to many of the products of our subversive and consumerist culture. I'd like to change that.

 

Change what?

 

To not be such a consumer. Did you know the average human can survive on only two hundred calories per day, and that you can gain that nutrition just from sucking on special stones and bathing in glacier water? Yet, we insist on McDonald's and Hungry Man dinners, and even I fall into the trap sometimes. Last week I bathed twice, and used soap both times. And I bought milk in a plastic jug.

 

Preserving the environment is important, I agree, just as long as it doesn't get out of hand. I don't see anything wrong with a Big Mac once in awhile, right? Nobody's perfect.

 

Perfection is a state of being above normal existence, and the imperfect cannot fathom it until they achieve it, therefore becoming perfect and understanding perfection. In that way I agree with you, my child.

 

(audience applauses)

 

I don't think that was a joke, but okay. Same question, for number one, what would you say is a weakness of yours?

 

From my experience I've found I am weak to certain spices, especially garlic compounds, and I believe it is because my bloodlines trace back to Vlad Dracul.

 

Vlad Dracul? I don't understand.

 

Dracul. Vlad the Impaler. DRACULA! I'm related to Dracula. I have a tough time being outside too much, that's why I put plywood over my basement windows. The thing about running water isn't true though, I cross over a stream every day on my way to work.

 

Uh, is there anything else, like normal, that is a weakness or fault?

 

I've been known to be relentless when tracking my prey--whether it's a woman, an enemy, or a roving band of orc priests. Girls say that I'm insatiable in bed and I have a ferocious appetite for the flesh of young virgins. Other than that I don't have many weaknesses. I don't like talking to people, like not in person. I'd rather text them or just talk on MSN, Yahoo, AIM, Myspace, Facebook, or Xanga...I'm on all of them. Hit me up after the show if you want, I'm DungeonPimp316.

 

Wow. That's just...that's just...I don't know. I might need a restraining order.

 

(audience laughs)

 

Oh, Stacey, we are just about out of time. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to make your decision now. We'll send all three daters backstage where they'll be in a soundproof booth. Then you can give us the scoop on what you think of each of them.

 

(the daters exit, audience applauses)

 

Okay, Stacey, so what did you think of dater number one?

 

Rip, he was kind of creepy. At first I just thought that he might need a good girl to round him out, but I don't know.

 

Oh, that's too bad. Anything in particular that he said stick out as having turned you off?

 

Yeah, kind of everything. But I guess mostly the stuff about the sex and the vampires. I kept getting pictures in my head of my sisteen year old cousin locked in the basement overdosing on Kool Aid and masturbating to animated porn. I'm sorry, Rip, I just did.

 

Well, hey, that's okay. Not everyone is meant to be together. How about number two and number three?

 

Number two, I think he almost had sex with me right through the screen. I swear I felt my pants unbuttoning, so that kind of freaked me out. And he says he's a college student but he kept talking about dating married women and making sure they were flexible. I'm just not ready for that I don't think.

 

So that leaves number three, right? What did you think?

 

Ohhhh, there's just no way. I mean, he's almost twice my age and his idea of fun was eating roots. I like to keep mud off my face and he was talking about bathing me in it. I don't think I'm going to be able to go out with him, either.

 

Well, that leaves no one left! I'm sorry we weren't able to make a love match for you today. I hope you've enjoyed yourself and maybe you'll consider coming back to join us real soon.

 

Actually, Rip, I was thinking, what are you doing later? I know this is national television and all but, do you want to get some dinner after the show?

 

(audience applauses, some hooting)

 

Stacey, I'm flattered, but I can't. I have to pick up the adopted children of my second ex-wife and take them to therapy and then I have an AA meeting, and besides that I'm still on probation from the whole Internet porn thing, so we wouldn't be able to leave the state ever.

 

And I'm not into what they would call "normal" sex.

 

Or women for that matter.

 

At least not living women.

 

Although I do wear women's clothing at home...

 

Anyway, we're out of time, so to all you watching at home, keep your heart and eyes open because sometimes its...

 

(audience yells on cue)

 

...HARD TO GET A DATE!