True History VI: The Conspiracy of Compound Words

this piece was originally written on goatksin by citizens of the Lost City of Atlantis, then saved by Shaolin monks who forwarded it to the Native Americans. It ended up aboard the Titanic and was rescued from sinking by Leonardo DiCaprio. He then gave it

www.countdowntoextinction.com

 

Most people think there are lots of problems in the world today more pressing than compound words. That just proves that most people are jackasses--an insult known as "jack and a*s" before the invention of the compound word forced these two unwilling mates together.

 

That's just one example of how messed up compound words are, and how messed up it is that we've been conditioned to use them. The compound word in its original inception was not inherently dangerous, it was more of a lazyman's handwriting crutch that was then transmitted to speech patterns as well. But it is the evolution of the compound word that has caused countless deaths and even more premature abortions and birth defects (it is also the reason why you're thirty, still living in your parents' basement, watching re-runs of Baywatch and reading trash like this).

 

That's right, I said birth defects. And guess what, it's pretty much true.

 

Before ignorant people start arguing with me about how much bullshit I'm slinging, I'll say this: Why don't you try an approach that doesn't use the compound word "bullshit" and then maybe we'll talk. Also, for you grammar elitists out there who will try to say bullshit is really a hyphenated word, thusly bull-s**t, I will lay this out right away:

 

Hyphenated words are still compound words technically speaking, so I also claim that in my argument.

 

Now, to get down to the real meat of the issue: how compound words are essentially pure evil and how they will cause the world to end (see www.countdowntoextinction.com).

 

There are many things that go together in life--peanut butter and jelly, pork and beans, cocaine-fueled sex and bruises--but there are still many more things that have been unnaturally forced together through use of compound word technology. I will allow the working examples of compounds-gone-wrong to do the legwork for me...

 

Sex is a wonderful thing. Ask any upper-class American CEO who has been on a "business trip" to Amsterdam, Tijuana, or Oklahoma. All these places have something in common--they're boring. So sex is a leisure activity that absorbs most of the inhabitants of these earth-prisons from puberty until they die toothless, drunk, and godless in their mid-40s. Sex is the opiate of the masses, it is the savior of recovering alcoholics, recovering crack addicts, and recovering sex offenders.

 

It's also how you got here, unless you were a laboratory genetic experiment (i.e. Mormons, members of Insane Clown Posse, Ted Nugent).

 

So, more sex!

 

Is there such a thing as too much of this wonderdrug? It has been medically proven to cure boredom, the common cold, and dyslexia (if you do it in a backwards position). What's more, unprotected sex has been found to cure AIDS (eventually). For many depressed areas on Earth, sex is basically the only reason to crawl out of the hut in the morning. I'm talking about the third and forth world countries: Botswana, the Russian

"-izstan" countries, and Quakertown, Pennsylvania. If it weren't for sex in these parts of the world there would be nothing for people to do but figure out viable ways to sustain their growing populations and find clean sources of running water--both obviously glaring wastes of time.

 

But, moving on, something else besides sex that is amazing--cheese.

 

Cheese comes in different colors and flavors, different textures and tastes. Some cheeses even comprise a fifth state of matter: solid, liquid, gas, plasma, and goop. People from all over the world eat cheese. Eskimoes mine cheese from huge floating icebergs above the Artic Circle, and the Japanese are famous for their cheese made from smashing fish heads against rocks until they make a spreadable sauce they call chizuki. In Switzerland they eat "Swiss" cheese and in other countries they eat "other" kinds of cheeses, but no matter where you are there is always one thing for certain:

 

Cheese is awesome and will make you live forever.

 

With all the hot wings, chili, and beer that sophisticated people consume all across the globe, the human diet is in deperate need of a binding agent. This is a dietary supplement that scientifically enables you to not s**t your pants when doing everyday tasks like gardening, butchering chickens, or putting on your mother's lipstick. Binding agents also include foods like beans, kelp and Elmer's glue, but they're not nearly as appetizing or as cost effective as cheese. Cheese literally costs nothing to produce and stockpile, much like b*****d children in the ghetto.

 

Cheese was invented in the 1960's by some drunk hippie who stumbled into the kitchen one morning after an early a.m. wake-and-bake and gulped down a gallon of sour milk. It wasn't the sour milk from the front of the refrigerator though, it was the sour milk from the back, dated July 4, 1776.

 

It was John Hancock's milk.

 

Miraculously, the hippie--let's just call him Screw-working-for-the-Man-I'm-just-trying-to-get-me-a-piece-of-the-sky-but-hey-what-do-you-mean-I-need-money-to-get-gas-for-my-car?--he somehow didn't die from the milk, and in fact started to produce it in his bathtub. Maybe his name was Kraft? Maybe Borden? 

 

I'm not telling.

 

Separately, sex and cheese occupy huge space in any red-blooded American's life, but through the use of compound words a creation can be made which ruins the use of either. A compound word that so thoroughly leaves a bad taste in one's mouth, a word that frightens even the most veteran of L.A pole dancers.

 

Sexcheese.

 

In two syllables the word steals away the appetite for all things awesome--sex and dairy products--and replaces it with a lonely feeling, a pit in the stomach and a trembling of the fingers and toes. It is such a ruination of American values that mere mention of the word will make firefighters cry, bald eagles eat their own young, and bring a shameful, distant look into the eyes of any congressman (this is separate from the standard glazed expression indicating excessive abuse of inhalants and pre-teen boys).

 

It may be just one example of compound words gone wrong, but surely it's not the only case, it's just the most devastating one. Rumors around Hollywood are that Ozzy Ozbourne whispered the cursed word into his wife's ear on the night of each of their children's conceptions and look how they turned out. Sexcheese was also the word painted across a huge banner and displayed at the launchpad on the day The Challenger took off (sort of).

 

It is the closest English translation of "Adolf Hitler" straight from German and also adopted as the battlecry of the entire cast of The Golden Girls before filming each episode. Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia all embraced sexcheese as a motto and a way of life--do you think you should, too?

 

Below is a list of other awful and destructive compound words which have done irreparable damage to America:

 

COWBOY: you can tell your parents you want to grow up to be a cow. No big deal, just keep eating, Bertha. And you can tell them you want to be a boy. Again, a few snips here and a tuck there, and taddaaa! But tell them you hope to one day be a cowboy and you will encounter a look of such horror and shock that you will wish you had just stayed upstairs watching Gilmore Girls and cutting yourself.

 

CATFISH: each word alone is a breath of fresh air. They are equal and opposite, enemies even in most cartoons, like Heathcliff where he looks for fish skeletons. Put together they form some unnatural creature, proven so by the fact that catfish exist primarily in the South, a prehistoric area of the country where blacks still can't own furniture and women with teeth are considered "uppity". Catfish isn't something you should eat or even strive to catch, it's a cancellation of meaning, like jumbo shrimp or plastic silverware.

 

UNDERPANTS: whoever invented these linen prisons should have their eyes gouged out. Underpants are a direct insult to everything people work their entire life towards: sitting around naked and scratching themselves. Underpants suggest there is something dirty or immoral about rubbing your chassis directly against those Bermuda shorts and maybe leaving a few brown flowers smeared in the back. Scientists have estimated that the average American spends approximately 7.6 years putting on or taking off undergarments. This number triples in the state of California, but is offset by the rates in New Jersey where people spend alot of time taking underpants off but not so much time putting any back on.

 

GRASSROOTS: the idea that people can band together for a greater cause than themselves is absolutely ludicrous. Grassroots programs are usually started by aging hippies who come upon some utopian vision after an unusually powerful acid flashback. Many of these programs include cleaning up urban spaces, conserving wildlife, and empowering minorities. Look around and you will see how well these have worked so far. Grassroots movements are so unstable that after a few short months of fanatical support, most movements die out in a flash as their leaders decide to invest in more lucrative businesses like Russian prostitutes or the aforementioned Eskimo ice cheese.

 

Though this is not an exhaustive list of failed compound words at work in the world around us, it should be enough to open your eyes and show you that if you don't vote for John McCain in the coming election, North Korea will most likely mobilize a military force, float them across the Pacific on barges made of woven rice stalks and car hoods and conduct an all-out attack the heart of American values--Hawaii. Seriously. And if it's not North Korea, it'll be Canada, the world's leading exporter of Canadians, storming our borders.

 

Either way, hopefully this informative and partially-mostly true account of compound words will mobilize you and make you realize that words are not neutral, nor are they innocent. People are innocent, but words trick people into saying things they would not normally do until they said they'd do them.

 

Huh? Exactly.

 

Now go to www.countdowntoextinction and start building that bomb shelter...