Chapter 13: Lumenovus Is Troubled

Lavender brings Lumenovus more gifts. When he sounds distracted, she is shocked to learn that the day's events are not the reason why.

 Of course, I visited Lumenovus as soon as I could after lunch.  I brought water and clean cloth.  When he saw me, and saw them at the same time, he said, “Oh, you’re wonderful...”  He was smiling, yet there was an emptiness to his voice that pained me.

 I figured it was from finding out he was not free, but instead sentenced to take on my father’s entire army, one by one.  “I’m so sorry about what happened.  I...”  I told a half-lie, “I wanted you to go free today more than anything.  I can’t believe what Pinvey did.”

 “I can’t believe what the whole army did,” he said, with that same emptiness.  “Do they really think she’s that pretty?  Are they that simple, or am I missing something?”

 I almost asked him how he couldn’t agree that she was pretty, but I remembered what he’d said about her already.  I still couldn’t believe it, but I didn’t want to make him repeat himself.  I wanted to find out what was really bothering him.

 “You went through a lot today.  Almost ten, wasn’t it?”

 He shook his head, and began removing his jacket and shirt.  “I don’t know, I didn’t count.”

 “I think you have a good chance to make it...”

 “Maybe.  Except for stupid s**t like this,” he ran his hand over his new wound.  “Things like this are going to add up over time.  How many soldiers are in your father’s army, anyway?”

 “Ten thousand, or so...”

 He laughed.  “So that’s what, four years at least, if I manage to beat ten a day.  Yeah, whatever...”

 “You might make it...  I think you have a good chance,” I repeated.  “And father scolded Pinvey for throwing the cup at you.”

 He smirked bitterly.  “I wondered what that was.  And who.”

 “Don’t you think you have a chance?” I asked, wanting more than anything for him to feel better.  To hear that warm life in his voice again.

 “I don’t care, right now.  Not about that.”

 “Is there...  Something else wrong?  Did I do something?”

 His eyes softened.  “No, Lavender, of course not.”

 “I can tell something is bothering you.  It’s not that you didn’t go free today?”

 He laughed.  “You’re way off.  Matter of fact, now that I think of it, I’m not sure I wanted to go free.”

 “Why on earth not?”

 “Where is there for me to go?  I was starving to death when I wandered onto your father’s field.  If I don’t starve, I’ll just go from place to place, not having a home.  Not having anybody.  I’m not a human anymore.  Well, I can’t live with them, anyway.  Here, at least I’m getting fed.  And here, at least...”  He swallowed.  “I have you as a friend.”

 My eyes watered with gratitude when he said that.  “I didn’t completely want you to go either,” I confessed.  “But I would have been happy for you if you did.”

 I watched him tend to his arm, my eyes roaming over his torso, soaking in its contours.  “Will you tell me what is bothering you, then?” I asked.

 “Yes, if you’ll promise me one thing first.”

 “What?”

 “Don’t feel like you’re in any way responsible.”

 “Alright,” I said uncertainly.

 He sighed.  “Look, I’ll just come out with it.  Ever since you told me about it, all I can think of is you, and Simon, and the stocks.”

 I was stunned into speechlessness.  He was so upset, and it was because of what had happened to me?  Not his own situation?  “Why should that bother you so much?” I finally asked.

 He sighed.  “You said before that you care about me.  Well, I care about you too.  The thought of you going through all that pain, being used like that...  It hurts, because I care about you.  It hurts like hell...  More so because I still can’t do a damn thing for you.  I can’t stop it from happening again.”  Now that he was talking about what he was feeling, that warmth began to come back into his voice.  I still couldn’t get over that what he was feeling, and the intensity of it, was over me...

 “It won’t go on forever.  I’m going to live in the Sol kingdom soon.”

 “Right.  So you can be trapped in a loveless marriage and ignored completely.”

 “That’s fine with me.  All I want is to be ignored.”

 “No,” he said.  “I don’t believe that, sorry.”

 “Why not?”

 Once more those piercing, secret-stealing eyes were upon mine.  “I believe you may prefer being ignored to how you’re treated now.  Anyone would.  But that’s not what you want.  You want to be loved, Lavender.  Your eyes pour out hunger for it.  You want to love, and to be loved.  I believe it will happen someday.  Even if you’re to be married and forgotten, you folk live a very long time.  Forever, right?  A lot can happen in an endless life.  I only wish I could be there to see you when it does.”

 “Stop it,” I said, crying.  How do his words always hit so close to home?

 “What’s wrong?”

 “You were right before, it hurts to hope.  I don’t want to waste the pain on false hopes.  No one is going to fall in love with me, or accept any I have to give.  Why can’t you see that?”

 “You’re very right to say that.  I can’t see it.  Not at all.  Why?  Because not every single fairy man can be so blind and stupid as to not see what a kind-hearted, lovely girl you are.  Not all of them.  And it only takes one.”

 “Well, you’re very kind, to say the least,” I said.  I didn’t mean to sound so dismissive, but I didn’t know what else to say.  He had no idea how wrong he was.

 Picking up on my tone, he changed the subject.  “When I was fighting those soldiers...  On every one of them, I saw Simon’s face.  It’s all I could think about.  It made me angry.  I grew violent.  It’s not like me...  They didn’t do those things to you, but I took it out on them.”

 “Before you go feeling bad, may I remind you they’re trying to kill you to get a piece of wing?”

 “I don’t feel bad for fighting.  I feel bad because of how I fought.  I lost control.  I never lose control.  Even when I was fighting Simon himself, even though what he said made me angry, I had control.  Before I knew the extent of things...”

 “I’m sorry...”

 “Hey, you promised not to feel responsible.  You aren’t, okay?  And I’m glad you told me about it.  I’m glad you could have someone to talk to about it.”

 “I’m glad I could have you to talk to about it...” I said, looking down.  To break the following silence I asked, “So, is it what happened to me, or your loss of control, that’s making you feel so bad right now?”

 He sighed.  “It’s both, I guess.  I just feel like such a mess.”

 We fell into silence.  At least now I knew what was bothering him, and that it wasn’t my fault.  Or he didn’t think so, at least.  Now what was there to say, or do?

 “Hey,” I whispered.  Putting my heart on the line, I offered a sign of friendship I’d offered before.  I put my hand through the bars.

 I felt warm all over when he took it again, and I marveled at how gentle those hands I had just seen fight off a whole series of soldiers were.  “It’ll be okay,” I said.  “Please don’t trouble yourself over what’s happened to me.  It’s not like you had anything to do with it.  It’s just something that happened.”

 “It feels like it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

 “I don’t think it will ever happen again.  I’m gone come springtime.  I just won’t talk to my father anymore.  I only end up in the stocks when I annoy him.”

 He sighed.  “I’ll still never get to see you happy.”

 I squeezed his hand.  “Look at me.”  He did.  “I’m happy now.”

 He looked at me with that searching gaze.  I made myself think only about how nice it was, holding hands with him.  I was happy.  He saw it, and gave me a smile that lit up the entire inside of my chest.  I smiled too.