"The Savior"

Natty just made a deal with the devil. Now can she get out of it?

“The Savior”

By Carly Carson

 

            Nat got out of bed as she slipped her nightgown over her bare body and slipped her high hills on her feet. She walked over to the naked man lying in bed and put her hands on her hips. Nat was an attractive young woman. She was thin and had long brown hair and tan skin.

            “Mr. Johnson, you owe me two hundred and fifty dollars!” Nat said to the man. Mr. Johnson threw the blankets off of him revealing his nude body to the lady once more. He walked over to her and pressed himself against her.

            “Come on Nat! How about another round?” He asked the lady. Mr. Johnson was quite an unattractive man. He was slightly overweight and had grayish silver body hair all over him.

            “That will be another two hundred and fifty dollars Mr. Johnson!” Nat said to him pushing him away slightly. Mr. Johnson pressed himself back up against her.”

            “Come on baby! How about this time it’s on you? You know you want it.” Mr. Johnson said grabbing her aggressively.

            “In your dreams! Now pay me my damn two hundred and fifty dollars!” Nat said pushing him away again.

            “Come on!” He screamed at her.

            “No! Get away!” Nat screamed pushing Mr. Johnson down on the wooden floor. Mr. Johnson stood up and angrily walked over to his nightstand grabbing his wallet. He reached in pulling out two one hundred dollar bills and one fifty-dollar bill. He placed the wallet back on the nightstand and walked over to Nat.

            “Here you go b***h! Here’s your f*****g money! Now get the hell out of my house!” Mr. Johnson screamed at the young woman throwing the money at her. The money glided across the room towards her but falls down to the wooden floor. She bent over and picked up the money and counted it. After counting it she walked over to the corner of the room, slipped on her black silk thong and stuffed the cash into the front of it. Nat walked over to the bedroom door and looked back at Mr. Johnson.

            “Nice doing business with you!” Nat said to Mr. Johnson as she walked out the door.

            “Yeah, not so much b***h!” Mr. Johnson yelled as he took a sip of wine. Nat walked down the dark hallway towards the staircase sobbing and holding herself tightly. She walked town the stairs to the floor and walked over to the door. She opened the door and ran out of the house.

            “You have to stick in there Natty! Even though you hate it! You have to stick in there so you can pay to go to school.” Nat mumbled to herself as she brushed her hair behind her ears with her hands and continued to walk away from the house of Mr. Johnson.

            Natty continued walking reaching a dark ally.

            “Time to go and get another job I guess.” Natty angrily said to herself. She turned to walk down the dark ally of the big city. The ally was dark and damp and had a depressing feel to it. Homeless man after homeless man, stray pet after stray were digging around in the dumpster looking for food. As she reached the end of the ally, she began feeling as if she was being watched.

            “Natty.” A voice whispered in her ear.

            “What? Who the hell is this?” She asked the voice.

            “Who? Me? I’m just and opportunity.” The voice said to her.

            “What kind of opportunity?” She asked the voice.

            “How does it feel to be a no good s**t? How does it feel to be a w***e?” The voice asked her. Nat began to cry.

            “Shut the f**k up!” Nat screamed sobbing.

            “Don’t worry Nat, I can change all of that.” The voice said her. Natty whipped the rears from her face, rolled her eyes, and began laughing.

            “Oh. How exactly can you change it? What are you? Some kind of super pimp?” Natty said to the voice in a mocking tone.

            “I guess you can say that.” The voice said as a man stepped out of the corner. The man was about six feet tall and was quite muscular. He had a shaved head and was sporting a pointed goatee at the base of his chin. The man was wearing a silky black button up shirt along with a silky red jacket and silky red tie.

            “Who are you?” Natty asked the man.

            “I have many names. But most importantly, I am your savior.” The man said to her. Natty looked at the man with disbelief.

            “You are my savior.” She asked him.

            “Yes my dear. I am. I can make you a queen. I can give you anything you have ever dreamed of.” The man said to Nat.

            “Anything?” Nat asked as she was starting to get interested. Natty smiled at the man.

            “Yes! Anything baby. All you have to do is listen to me.” He said to her. She smiled at him again and grabbed him by the arm and linked them together. The man smiled back at her and led the way to his throne.

            After they arrived at his mansion they went through the metal gates and walked up to the front door. On the right side of the door where a doorbell would normally be was a keypad with numbers on it. The pressed the numbers 666 and the door opened. He walked her in his house. It was the most magnificent house she had ever seen. The centerpiece of the living room was a miniature waterfall with a small tiger shark at the base of it.

            “Welcome home my dear!” The man said as he turned towards the staircase and led her to the master bedroom. He opened the door of the master bedroom and turned on the lights. As the room light up Nat’s mouth dropped open with awe.

            The man led her to the bed and sat her down. At that point another man walked in. He was short and had a red body. Small horns were growing out of his head much like that of a baby goat. She had a pointed tail and was wearing a tux but with no pants.

            “Sir, the man upstairs needs a word with you.” The little demon man said.

            “Tell him not now! I’m busy.” The strange man said to the demon. The demon nodded, turned around, and walked out of the room.

            “What the hell was that?” She asked him.

            “That was my Nimrod, my assistant.” The mystery man said. Nat looked at him confused.

            ‘Wait a minute. Nimrod? The man upstairs? 666? You are him!” Nat said pointing at him.

            “You’re right! I am. And you are about to be know my Mrs.” The man said to her.

            “No! I want the hell out of here!” Nat said pushing him away and walking towards the door. The man got up to grab her.

            “Wait b***h! We are not finished yet!” The man screamed. Only this time I was not the voice of a man. It was the voice of a demon. He threw her onto his bed and ripped off her nightgown throwing it to the floor. He began to change. He was no longer the muscular stranger she had met, but now an old red skinned demon with a pointed tail and gray hair around the edge of his head. The top of his head was bald with liver spots and horns growing out of his fore head. His eyes were now full of black emptiness and his teeth were now pointed and razor sharp.

            “NO! NO! NO!” Nat screamed as he penetrated her.

            “It’s too late for that now b***h!” The demonic figure screamed at her. While Nat screamed out of terror, the beast screamed out of nothing but pure pleasure.

 

            The next morning the man was back to his normal self. He was muscular once more and his head was shave with no horns able to be seen. He got up and began getting dressed putting on his white button up dress shirt and a black silk tie with black dress pants and black leather dress shoes. Natty sat up in the bed shaking with her hair now a white color and was wearing a white night gown. She reached over to the nightstand and grabbed a glass bottle of wine. The demon looked over at her and walked towards the bed.

            “What the hell are you doing? You know you are not supposed to drink alcohol with a bun in the oven.” The man said to her rubbing her belly.

            “To hell with your baby!” Nat said to him as she took a sip of wine. The demon grabbed the wine bottle from her and threw it against the wall once again turning into the demonic figure from last night.

            “Listen b***h! You f*****g do what I say! I am your master!” The demon said. Nat stood up from the bed and walked over to the balcony.

            “What the hell are you doing?” The demon asked her. Nat smiled at him.

            “I can’t bring another one of you in the world!” She said as she climbed up on the railing. “See you in hell.”  Natty said as she winked at him and threw her self off of the balcony.

            “NOOO!” The demonic man screamed running over to the balcony trying to stop her, but it was too late. He looked over the balcony down at the splattered remains of his bride to be.

 

Copyright 2013 by Carly Carson

Courtesy of TRUE TERROR PUBLICATIONS

a Division of TTP Entertainment

http://www.copyrighted.com/copyrights/view/m9h4-kawx-hius-esrw"> border="0" alt="Copyrighted.com Registered & Protected
M9H4-KAWX-HIUS-ESRW" title="Copyrighted.com Registered & Protected
M9H4-KAWX-HIUS-ESRW" width="150" height="40" src="http://static.copyrighted.com/images/seal.gif" />

Author's Note

Please leave a comment! All reviews welcome!

Reviews

[Douglas White]

A couple of minor errors:

The money glided across the room towards her but falls down to the wooden floor. - "falls" should be "fell"

“Who? Me? I’m just and opportunity.” - "and" should be "an"

My critique:
This reads like a good rough draft - the concept is solid, but the story flows in a way that is bland and predictable. This has a lot of potential to be a deeper and more horrifying tale with more development.

A few suggestions: Take the time to develop the characters more fully, instead of leaving them as the flat cardboard characters that you have now. Give Nat more background on how she got to this point, and make her easier for a reader to relate to. Take more time to build the mystery of the "savior" before revealing his true nature (you may want to drop the 666 address and the smaller demons, you really don't need to beat the readers over the head with it, and those details give the story a "campy" feel). And while the ending is good, take the time to show her descent into absolute despair before she (literally) takes the hard way out.

All in all, it needs work, but it will be worth the effort.

[Carly Carson]

Thanks for reading it!

[Marshall]

Its too predictable.Sorry. It does not follow writing convention. Once you get into such stories your sentences must be short, non descriptive and clean. The reader must not have time to digest grammatical errors, syntax, errors, a wobbly storyline and a predictable storyline. That kills it.
You may want to fix the leaks first, improve on the storyline. be less descriptive and follow natural movement of objects. The dialogues are strained and forced to behave in a certain fashion. 250 bucks for a repeat performance is impractical.

On the good side, you have made an attempt. Its reads like a draft. It has some semblance of what may happen in a situation like this. You have introduced a quiet 666 into the mix and that adds a new dimension to it. So all said and done, it needs lots more work. Why do I feel this is a male person writing?

Don't be discouraged. I need to read some more work before I go off and judge you on a school essay. For me its better to be honest and teach you than to to be a smart a*s and knock you off your dream.
Lets starts again.

[Astro]

There are a lot of grammatical errors and verb tense issues with this piece, but that's not the biggest issue I have with it. First you must add more to the Nat character so that the reader feels sorry for her, or at least understands how she ended up where she is. Secondly, too many cliches in this story that make it uninteresting to readers who were brought up on the 'Son of Satan' stories and descriptions of Satan where he is red and horny. Be more original if you are going to use the 'Son of Satan' idea.

[Prritiy]

nice story

best wishes

[Carly Carson]

Thank you:)

[Prritiy]

welcome ...

[Barbara Walker]

I can't add much more than the pointers that Douglas White gave you. The more you write, the better writer you will become.

[Carly Carson]

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

[Leslie Philibert]

I have too little time to review prose with the care it deserves, but I found a well written and well presented piece of prose here..good job..

[Carly Carson]

Thank you!

[Anand Sehgal]

very good story-line. A lot of strength and struggle in the Lady's character. brilliant write :)

[Carly Carson]

Thank you so much!

[Mark]

Strong language, definitely an adult tale. There are some typos, you need to proofread it.

[Angel]

Whoa...didn't see that coming! Terrific twisted tale of terror...

[Dayran]

A well written story with a purpose ... bold, brave and very virtuous of heart. But a message that says death is greater than continuing to contribute to evil needs a 300 page persuasion. I'm not sure you'll do it with a short story.

A different theme ... with a light touch ... and a keen penmanship would do a better job ... or even an abortion. A fair attempt.