Plasma Ovule: Chapter 1 Prologue?

This is just to establish the world of Symbasia/Electronica. Which is a realm in Plasma Ovule. A society created by one extra-terrestrial scientist.

For over a thousand years, the highly advanced extra-terrestrial race known as the absosians have taken over many galaxies. Even to the point that there weren't any left to colonize. It was in their instinct to fight their way into becoming the supreme of worlds and planets for organization and peace according to the "Period Passages". However one lone abstosian named Ionan wasn't completely content. He was a seemingly insignificant scientist that wanted to become the ultimate ruler of an undiscovered world. If all the other galaxies were taken over then he often contemplated about ruling other realms. 

Ionan went through many experiments to go to another realm but all failed. It seemed like things such as hope kept going down hill for him. However, he read about the idiosyncratic powers of "majesty" crystals. They were crystals that had diverse "magic". Some say they were created by deities with their hardened ancient flesh. After many mining procedures in the dune caves of planet Zramil, he finally found one. With glee, he invented the revolutionary "Gateway Projector". After placing the "Majesty" crystal into the machine's import, a grandiose portal arrived in front of Ionan's eyes.

With out hardly any hesitation, he boarded his Black Magpie Geo-ship 68 and soared into the portal. The Black Magpie Geo-ship was used as gravitational swiftness for foreign geographical landscapes. Ionan finally landed on to what he thought was going to be a rich and populated world. According to the "Period Passages", there were no life forms what so ever in this vacant realm of Symbasia. In the point of view of Ionan, it was nothing more than a hazed, moss infested wasteland. Ionan was very up in flames when he discovered this dull and lifeless realm.

Time went on and he found a way for this to work to his advantage. With the aid of terrific science, he could play a "God" figure and create new life in Symbasia. Ionan on his own, created an extremely humanoid race known as the schafs.

Schafs for the most part are very dense and bland. You could say they're good for following any sort of order that they're given with out question. They almost have an absence to them. They have expressionless faces like mannequins. In fact, they even have a clumsy plastic movement as well. With the schafs made, many absosians saw Ionan in a platinum light.

He hence forth called upon the schafs to bring on industrialization into Symbasia with the aid of abstosian technology. The realm was now a neon mechanical civilization. He renamed it "Electronica". Electronica was a place of dark high tech enjoyment. The schafs had chip devices planted into their brains that made them only experience happiness to what ever made Ionan happy, even if it was good or not. According to "Period Passages", this was only put into them so that Ionan could live in a world he could relate to. 

And once again going back to the old familiar "passages", Ionan decided to create high ability creatures to be the guardians of Electronica's inhabitants. With so much hard work and gross effort, Ionan was able to create a clan of beautiful monsters with spellbinding abilities. Each one was unique from the other. He called the clan "Meleks". Each melek could happily thank the wonders of technology for their outstanding capabilities. They were the perfect protectors against hostile invaders if the time came for it and just over all great tranquility keepers and justice enforcers. But perhaps Ionan stepped over his calculations and made some of them too sentient for everyone's own good.

With the vastly superior invention of the meleks, he was now one of the most highly respected abstosian in the race culture. He went from a no name to having the reputation through out galaxies of a celebrity. Everyone in Electronica praised him and worshipped him in a "yahweh" like way.

However, Ionan was a very determined abstosian. He now wanted to create his most powerful and overall "perfect" Melek yet. He first built an android assistant to help him called the Constructor-bot but giving him the short name of Enjo. With this new melek about to be created, Ionan wanted something apart of it that would be very Flora and engraved with the enigmatic terrain. Something that would be "Mother Nature's Offspring of Potent Science".

With Ionan and Enjo working meticulously and hard with days and nights, they fully brought Ionan's dream melek to life. Ionan named the chloroplast based warrior "Nadur". Nadur has been inside the water filled life glass tank for weeks. Ionan watches his progression with up most pride and even arrogance.

"Well Enjo, this is what's going to make me above everyone else" said Ionan to Enjo. "Even to the rest of the abstosian species" he continued. "Uh sir, I was the one who aided you in this amazing project" Enjo replied to his master. "Thank you but I was the one who had the biggest part in all of this and you were just the assistant" Ionan exclaimed to his android. Enjo clanked away saying "You have a point, sir". Ionan stepped even closer to the tank. "You my child are the closest thing this world will get to living ancient Earth incarnate" Ionan accidentally said out loud. "Master, are you talking to your self again" Enjo questioning his master. Ionan looks back in a hostile manner and says "creation of life is a lottery jackpot for most animated things". Ionan walks closer to Enjo in a threatening way. "Do not make destruction an option for your sake, Enjo" he grimly tells the robot. Enjo is silent with shock until he finally says "I just want more appreciation". Ionan loudly says "I was the one who created you, how about you appreciate that".

All of a suddenly a blast of green light is shot behind Ionan. Water comes spewing out of the broken glass tank and hits both Ionan and Enjo. Ionan tries to wipe his eyes from the water. He opens his eyes and notices just six feet away from him is his "plant-man" slowly arising from the ground. It seemed like Nadur was finally ready for the world of Electronica. Nadur's physical appearance was fully realized. He had pale green flesh, vine like locks, stem for arms, roots for legs, visible dark green veins, and a cyclops emerald eye.

Dripping with water, Nadur looks around and observes his technological surroundings. Ionan and Enjo watches him in amazement. They could only wonder and imagine what was going through Nadur's mind. Nadur then sprints through the lab. "Hey wait, stop Nadur" Enjo tried to command. Nadur began attacking the machines and devices with the same green light blast shot technique and his tentacle like vines emitting from his torso area. "Phase cannons activate" Ionan shouted. Phase cannons kept firing until they hit the main target, Nadur. Brutally knocking him out.

Author's Note

I'm new at this...

Reviews

[Lasune]

I Enjoyed reading this, it is definitely packed with information it might help to maybe describe the majesty crystals and the Buzzard Geo ship little more as my mind drew a blank imaging it. Plus the first half might be better named as a prologue as it is more the history of how he got there, other than that a very good start to what could be an action packed story.

[Cody]

Thank you. I knew I'd get this kind of feedback with the vague description I'd have in chapter 1 but this is just basically a story that explains how every thing came to be in the rest of the story. Ya know, just the essentials. I feel like if I started to explain more of the majesty crystals, you'd lose the main point of this main part. But the Buzzard Geo-ship is basically like a star ship but it's created more impotent so you just travel GEOgraphically, which is why it's called a Geo-ship. But thank you for actually taking the time to read this and give me criticism that would help me later down the line but like I said this was meant to be vague because this is just the origin story and the main story actually has more detail. I should be able to post Chapter 2 on Tuesday.

[Lasune]

Ah nice I can't wait to read chapter two :)

[Kaliope]

You created an intriguing world here but I have to agree with other reviewers that this is basically info-dump, a bit like a history lessons and we all loved those, riiiiight? What I'm trying to say is that this feels more like an author's reference... you know - the back story we create for ourselves rather than the reader so that we don't mess up the details when we tell the story.

I really liked the creativity here though, I was laughing out loud at the name "schafs" for a docile slave race (I speak German - so great name choice :-D) and this all very well thought out.

That said I think it would really be worth the effort trying to incorporate the necessary info into the story itself. E.g. do we really need to know that Ionan was boarding a 'Black Magpie Geo-ship 68' at this point? Or that he found the majesty crystals on Zramil? Honestly, by the end of the chapter I had already forgotten the names. Just give it a thought or two, maybe you find a better way that allows the reader to jump right into the story rather than having to work through a ton of exposition.

Nevertheless, this looks very promising and I just love Sci-Fi, so I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapter :-)

[Eternal Devotion]

No criticism, simply loving it 100/100

[Amy R]

quite an interesting story that's packed with info, but i think this should be the prologue! :)
its a good start! but again its just a suggestion, thanks for sharing:)

[JMKane117]

I think this would work better as a prologue. You might want to look up how to incorporate info-dumps into dialogue and the main body of the story, but it's a good start with lots of imagination. You'll also want to watch your tense as it switches from time to time. I assume the details of the characters and their own internal thoughts will come later. It's a good start. With some polish, I'd be willing to read the next chapter.

[Cody]

Thank you... Since this is the second time, this has been called a "prologue", I felt like I had to rename it. I guess I'll be spending my time with editing the tenses for the day.

[quarintine_deathangel]

I think it's a good start, more of a draft than a final story. You have focused general details. But there's a lot more details you can add in to make the story more enveloping and realistic. My friend is excellent with enveloping details quite naturally, I however, get my main point down and first run, blur out anything else. Then it helps me to go back and refocus that scene untill it's solid and make note that every event is relative and connected, not just a second thought add on. I'm not sure if that helps, but it's some advice from my own experience. I like how you create your own world so well. I bet it'd be much better with the extra fluff in details ^.~ or keep it just as is. Nice job!

[Cody]

Well, this is just the beginning of the story. Chapter 1. It's just a run through of the origins and how everything came to be from what we see later in the chapters. Thank you, anyways.

[quarintine_deathangel]

Mkay, cool, on to chapter two then! :D

[Benson Osuji]

captivating story I could feel Lonan

[Cody]

Thanks man. I hope you also read chapter 2. The character's name is actually "Ionan". Pronounced "Eye On In".