Chapter 6: Little Swap of Horrors

Xander and Hank comply with Monica's request, but little do they know that the challenge is about to get a bit out of hand.

The little deal Monica had worked out with the men in her life remained in full effect the next day, and then the day after that. Hank, though he did fare a little better than he did the first day, still found himself driven to near insanity while raising Scott; even though it was his turn to work the daytime shifts at Mary & Maxwell's, he still couldn't really enjoy his job this time around, because he knew he'd be venturing back into a figurative realm of chaos in just a few hours time. Would he eventually get the hang of parenting his partner's son? God only knew.

Xander on the other hand, didn't seem to have it nearly as rough. Despite his infancy, Morty was surprisingly well-behaved; most babies would cry as a source of communication, but he was actually pretty quiet most of the time. And even when he did cry, it was a lot quieter and less obnoxious. This, combined with his easy-to-please nature and the ease in keeping him occupied, made him a far easier child to raise.

"…and so not only did I get in quite a lot of Hulu bingeing, but I also balanced my checkbook, vacuumed the living room, and even got a bunch of reading done." Xander summed up his day that evening, after the family had gathered for dinner.

Supper that night consisted of "mash bangers", a dish Monica had come up with relatively recently. They resembled standard, homemade sausage links, except they had boiled potatoes mixed inside the casing along with the juicy, seasoned meat. Two were served per helping, poured over with gravy and plated with a side of creamed spinach, though there was plenty more of the whole meal leftover if anyone wanted seconds. Hank cut into his first link, watching as the mushy potato spilled out alongside a strain of fat from the sausage.

"You read?" he asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

"What? I never said I didn't," Xander replied. "Honestly, raising your kid is such a breeze that it's given me more time to dedicate to my pastimes."

"Honestly Monica, did you really think this test would be worthwhile? I mean, the challenge seems to be rather one-sided," Mary interjected.

"Who said I was looking for a challenge?" Monica asked in response. "All I'm trying to do is strengthen our family bond by having them interact with each other's sons more often. And who knows? If this goes well, we can try some other exercises."

Hank and Xander did nothing more than briefly look at each other, a shared nervous grin splitting both of their faces apart as Monica giggled at the spectacle.

---

The following day, and the final day of the challenge at that, Xander made use of his off time by lounging on his futon as Morty played with a sock monkey on the floor nearby. With a content sigh, he adopted a more relaxed stance and took out a novel, flipping to the end and putting on a surprised look when he noticed the donkey-eared page nearby.

"Huh, that's weird. I seem to recall finishing this one yesterday," he mused. "Ah well. Maybe I can get something else done."

With that, he stood up and started searching around the room for something else to do, seeing how it was unlikely that Morty would cause him any trouble to keep him busy.

"Hmmm… already did that, already did that. Welp, looks like all my bigger pastimes have had enough time put into them recently… except cooking, since a restaurant kitchen isn't the safest place for a baby." Xander continued to think. "Oh, I know! I'll just turn on the TV!"

But sadly for him, nothing good was on. There were no interesting stories on the news that day, no interesting sports, competition, game, or reality shows, and don't even get him started on those select few channels that only aired infomercials. Meanwhile, his favorite talk show wouldn't come on until late that night, and all the cartoons and sitcoms were just reruns.

"Gah! I'm so bored!" Xander angrily slammed the remote onto the floor, not caring that the batteries fell out the back upon impact. "Yo, Morty. You think you can, like, s**t your pants or something? I kinda' have nothing to do right now."

True to his nature, Morty remained mostly silent, too focused on fiddling with his stuffed animals.

"Fine then. I guess I'll just play with you, see how much time we can kill."

Morty yelped as he was abruptly raised into the air, starting to squirm as Xander swung and swayed him around, and even tossed him into the air on occasion. He started to fuss as he usually did while distressed, but Xander paid it no mind, insisting on quenching his boredom. So long as he wasn't hurting Hank's child, why should he stop? It wasn't until some loud, angry stomping could be heard downstairs, growing less and less quiet until the apartment door slammed open.

"Just what the hell is going on up here?!" Monica roared upon stepping into the living room.

"Don't look at me. I'm just here lookin' after Scott here," Hank replied, managing to keep his half-son quiet with a larger-than-normal bottle.

"Xander, do you mind stopping that racket?! I know you're not the most subtle person in the world, but you're annoying the customers downstairs!"

"My bad!" Xander called back, halting his motions and causing the crying to cease a bit. "Hmm, thinking on it more, I think we could both use some fresh air."

"Yes, please. I know babies require a whole lot of energy, but if you're gonna be loud, do it somewhere else," Monica finished, not prepared to see him rush right past her.

---

Xander carried Morty downstairs and through the restaurant, ignoring the questionable looks he received from the diners and made his way out into the city. After she saw him do that, she shrugged and started to head downstairs.

"Wait, he ain't takin' 'im to the park, is he?" Hank inquired, looking a little worried.

"Why, what's wrong with that? I never said you guys had to keep your bonding indoors." Monica halted in her tracks to look back at him.

"Yeah, but I'm worried, considerin' the time a'year. Little Morty's allergic to bees, and he gets terrible hay fever."

"Aw, don't worry. Xander may be ostentatious, but he's not stupid. Anywho, keep up the good work."

"Here's hopin'…" Hank muttered, starting to burp Scott, who wouldn't stop struggling.

---

Back to Xander, he hurried over to the nearest park with his half-son in tow, not bothering to grab anything on his way out. It was almost as if their little outing was more of a means for the former to blow off steam as opposed to the latter. They managed to arrive at the playground within roughly seven minutes, with Xander quickly plunking Morty down into the baby swing, ignoring his distressed fussing all the while.

"Huh, haven't been to a place like this in decades," he noted, continuing to push his friend's baby as he looked around.

At first, the reception the duo received was mixed, although it leaned in a more positive direction. Various nearby mothers looked on in awe, always happy to see other adults who were good at rearing children, but some of them appeared to be a little more concerned, considering Morty didn't seem to be having any fun. No matter what the two did, his reaction wouldn't change; whether he was pushed down the slide or held atop one of the rocking animals on a spring, he was not having it, even with Xander making sure he didn't get hurt on the equipment. But it's not like he would listen, given the wave of satisfaction currently flowing over him.

"Ah, that's the spirit. Geez, if I had to stay cooped up at home looking after your boring a*s for another nanosecond, I'd have lost it," he said.

---

It eventually grew dark as more and more of upstate Vermont's population started to migrate back to their homes. The Lloyds, however, remained active, preparing their family-owned restaurant for the quickly-approaching supper shift. Monica paced back and forth in the empty dining area, stiffly cradling Scott as she did so, while her mother tried to calm her own jitters by getting started on that night's cooking. Tonight, it was their turn to take the evening off and leave the dinner rush up to the men, but one of them was neither present nor accounted for.

"Ugh, where is that lunkhead?! He should've been here an hour ago!" she growled. "And he's not picking up his phone either! What the f**k gives?!"

"No cursing around the babies," Mary interjected from the kitchen, eliciting a death glare from her daughter. "What? Your rule, not mine."

"Guys, ya'… ya' might wanna check this out." Hank tiredly slumped downstairs, obviously worn out from a combination of cooking, bussing, and babysitting that day. He held up his phone as the others gathered around its miniscule screen. "I think this oughta' shine some light on the conflict."

"In tonight's top story, a local man who looks like a former bike gang member was spotted zipping around the park for hours on end, carrying a constantly crying baby and disturbing the peace in the process," the newscaster explained, followed by footage of Xander and a miserable Scott in all parts of the park.

Everyone was understandably angry at what the former was doing, but they were also taken aback by Morty's reaction to it all. It had to be the first time he'd ever cried that loudly, and this time it wasn't over something minor and easily resolved. This time, he looked genuinely panicked, like he'd been abruptly yanked out of his element, which in fact, he was.

"Oh no, Morty!" Hank's eyebrows sprang up. "God only knows where those two are!"

"We're ba-ack!" Xander bellowed, his voice hoarse and wobbly as he trudged into the diner, Morty still crying in his arms all the while.

"For the love of Christ, where the hell were you two?" Monica asked, hurriedly taking Morty into her arms as well. "You do realize you were almost late for your shift tonight, right?"

"I know, and I'm sorry, but Morty and I were having the most swell time, just like you asked us to," Xander replied with folded arms.

"Swell for the both of you, or swell for only you?" Hank narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah, because clearly Morty did not enjoy his day out," Monica added.

"And now look! Because you're both all worn out, we're gonna be understaffed tonight!" Mary put her hands on her hips, unsurprisingly concerned about her business. "Y'know what? Just for your insubordinance, I'm docking your pay for the week."

"Fine, cut my salary because I was just trying to bond with my half-son and stave off my boredom." Xander rolled his eyes, heading over to the staircase.

"Welp, I guess I'm working two shifts tonight, Mom." Monica handed the boys back to their respective fathers, before turning to her mother. Unbeknownst to her, that same strawberry-blonde who was a regular at the restaurant slowly passed by, seeing Hank ascend the staircase with a look of intrigue.

"Speak for yourself, dearie," Mary huffed, turning up her nose as she made her way upstairs too.

"Uggghhh!"

---

Several hours later, the family re-situated themselves after the restaurant closed down for the night. Morty finally stopped crying after he was returned to Hank's arms, and Scott was able to share his infinite excitement with Xander once more. Overall, Monica considered their little family experiment to be a success. Despite the chaos it caused, largely stemming from both fathers being out of their comfort zones, it did at least result in them both learning more about each other's babies. Hank felt he had a better grasp on how Scott operated and what made him tick, while Xander… didn't have very much to learn when it came to raising Morty, but he did at least learn how to control his energetic impulses a little.

That night, both dads lay in bed with their own sons snuggled close to their chests. Normally, they'd be sharing a crib in Monica's room, but tonight, all they wanted to do was reconnect with the men who fathered them. Because lord knows they deserved it.

Reviews

[Gary]

To be honest I can't see sending a news crew to a park because of a crying baby. I just doesn't seem realistic to me. Other than that, I have enjoyed your story and I look forward to future chapters.