Tamed Distance

If this

Could make any more sense,

I might comprehend it.

This distant yet close thought of a dreamless environment

That I could breathe life within.

Maybe if these jolts within my brain

--these tiny sparks of life beating within me--

Would just connect in a fluttering motion

Of pure beauty

--not just any beauty.

The type of astonishment that leaves a pulse lifelessness hanging on...incomplete and misunderstood....

I'm weeping on my feet,

Distracted by the very things I'm really chasing

In a God Damned world.

Ignorance poses a threat,

Cramped within a society that makes little sense.

Seeking intellect,

And threatening my own desires.

But if everything could just connect,

In a single strand,

A faint string of existence that faintly streams across a Universal Matrix.

Every tomorrow is a day I've never planned,

My arms reaching for an object untouchable,

Out of sight,

Smelling is dimmed,

Hearing is bland,

And all comprehension

Is but nothing.

Reviews

[Anjelica Allen]

To be quite honest, I think you could do better than this. Having read some of your other stuff, I was slightly disappointed. Not to say this poem doesn't have potential or is bad. It's not bad at all.
I love the idea of it, the connecting of the synapses making things more clear and the limitations posed by the outside world. There's just something missing in the execution, but that's why you put your things on here right? To get feedback on what's missing.
I think your lines need to either be long or short. The few really long lines threw me off. It would probably help to break it up in stanzas. I had trouble getting all the way through it the first time and had to go back and take it slow to get any meaning whatsoever. I think that's mostly formatting.
Also, I think this poem would be great with some meter, but that's just my personal opinion (I'm a meter junky and use meter like some people use drugs). It actually wouldn't be too awfully hard to turn it into something iambic. The first four lines are written in iambs at least. I stopped scansion after the seventh line because I didn't feel meter and figured it was meant as free verse. Sorry if that was just my bad ear.

I think more description in certain areas could help. The "object untouchable" is that the connection? Maybe "this" would be more clear than "an" if that's the case? Or is it something else entirely.
I like the juxtaposed lines "Of pure beauty/ -- not just any beauty". That's lovely, and so is your use of dashes.
I also like your ending. The senses fade out with the poem, and I think that's a nice effect.
I realize that this review is picky, and I hope you're not offended. I find you to be a very talented writer; therefore, I feel it is important that you get what you need to become even better. Really, a rough review from me is rather a compliment. If you were actually bad, I wouldn't write anything.

[Christoph Poe]

If I had a folder to place reviews in, this would be in my "TOP TEN" folder. Great review, and I thank you greatly!

No, nothing came across offensive at all, and there's nothing here is disagree with. When I get the minute, I'll certainly sit down and tear this piece apart.

And thank you for the compliment as well. :)

Have an amazing day!

--Chris

[Rahul]

Nice

[James E. Peterson]

I haven't reviewed that much but I'd say this is a great piece over all. Good work and I'd like to read more of your poems.

[MandaBear]

Such an Amazing writer you are!

[N!LoC]

im disoriented by your artistry lol :-)

[Poe Redd]

somehow your poems have a way of feeling so BIG! atmospheric i guess it is. I love this one.

[Christoph Poe]

Coming from an amazing poet, thank you greatly. :)

--Chris

[Baby Ricochet]

Ignorance does pose a threat. Particularly when it's heavily armed. I liked this poem. The lines are like rounds coming at you. So I'm being shot at by words reading this. Good Job Young man.

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you for giving this a shot! :)

I see you've reviewed a few of my pieces, so send me a message with links to any particular pieces you might want me to look at. :)

--Chris

[Jack...]

Chris, this was thought provoking and posed questions that constantly flood my brain. I have often thought that many of us are connected by that single thread and in most cases we don't know until it slowly pulls us together. Great poem my friend.

[Christoph Poe]

Thanks, Jack! Send me a message to remind me to look at some of your pieces. :) I'll let you choose which ones you want me to look at. It's been a minute since I've been on your page.

Thanks again for reading! I've always liked your responses.

--Chris

[kublakhan27]

Sounds very much like the plight of a writer...nicely done :)

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you! :)

[♪Barklight♪]

Woah, so abstract, meaningful and vibrant. A winning poem if there ever was one ^_^

[Christoph Poe]

Thank you for giving this a read. :) I greatly appreciate your thoughts!

--Chris