CHAPTER 1: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

CHAPTER 1 :  YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

Lea

It was unconventional. All those things that they said about love; how it came, how it grew and how it withers away, those were stories of yesterdays.
 
  It wasn't as flowery and dreamy or even spontaneous as they always convey of how I could've learned to find love. Yes, I found love, but was not in love. No...I didn't know my feelings and till now, I can't begin to tell what they are about. It was not a blur or a flash. It was not an unexpected gift. It was like meeting someone you couldn't even remember. And all storm around was suddenly, a little lesser. A little transluscent. And I didn't want it. If I was ever to find him, he would be the last I'll ever love and someone who'll understand that he has to be forever with me. But forever was a naive wanting of someone who didn't want to grow up. I didn't want to take anything less than that.
 
  I was happy I was loved. I'm just sorry...that I can't love you.

 

~*~

 

 She closed her eyes tightly and felt the softness beneath her alternatingly sink and rise as though she was on water. She was in an enchanted land. Somewhere beyond the darkness, there was a small space just enough for her to create a sanctuary. In the intoxicating sensation that shamed her to no end, she burrowed herself further. When she can't escape, she indulge as another person.
 
  The touch on her skin was like gossamer, and the threats whispered to her ear dropped her guts to an endless pit. She was pushed beyond her limits over and over again...and she gave as much as she could in that moment of ecstasy. Lips held her sighs and breath into her starving lungs.
 
  "I love you,"
 
  She felt her eyes water again. And he pushed her harder, forcing her to snap out of the very thing she knew haunt her. And he knew about it as much as she did. Only that, he didn't think it was the voice of reason she claimed it to be. More to unnecessary doubt. She couldn't think. Her mind was much to preoccupied with sensation overload. And when she finally finished her climb, she felt her head reeled in fast motion, bursting and finally falling down. 
 
  Her eyes that water stared at the ceiling. The dim light from the fallen table lamp created shadows alligned to their movements. Strange how she could never imagined being so complete and so empty at the same time.
 
  I am a void of nothingness.
 
  Like an empty glass bottle left to float. She had the whole world in her; the sand from the land and the water from the sea, but she was just as empty. So easily was she enchanted that she couldn't remember how she got herself there in the first place. Doing the same wrong thing over and over again. The blame was neither here nor there. Her past, present and future, rapidly rearranged everytime he touch her.
 
  And the shattered puzzle that almost took shape just disappear again. She couldn't find the exit she wanted.
 
  "You are so beautiful,"
 
  She didn't want to bring her eyes to look at him as he stared down at her. She never could. A soft sharp tug pulled her hair back, snapping her head to look up. At him. The black eyes that harbored unhindered emotions. There was no secrets in him. There was nothing that she didn't know. And it was so obvious.
 
  She was never leaving.
 
  He pulled the white blanket, warmed by their bodies and enclosed her in them. She was suddenly freezing cold. And he had always noticed that. All the attention, all the loving and all the passion sent her into a ride she never expected. It was just a game. She knew it was just a game. Life was so mundane and she took a step too far trying to test the waters. What that made her? She couldn't judge herself. All the lies that he wriggled out of her became truths and all the harmless teasings became a dangerous game of catch. She never knew she'd fall this hard. And though he might brainwashed her into accepting him, she won't ever stop trying to run.
 
  Even if he'd drove her towards insanity like she knew he was in.
 
  Even if his arms were the only home that felt right at the moment.
 
  Even if her heart beat fast at his endless confession.
 
  Even if...
 

~*~

 

Pulling himself from her limbs that entangled him, he was hit by the frozen cold. The familiarity of the drop in temperature made sure he was reminded of the many possibility of cold hell he'd felt without her around. And even when he knew he'd survive, he didn't want to be thrown to that very same place again. Even the wooden floor beneath him felt cold. The white walls lost their color to the darkness and the ambient illumination from the fallen table lamp. The scattered pillows and thrashed books unfazed him. He pushed into his jeans that he conveniently found near the bed. He almost didn't notice how the jeans hung loosely around his hips. He was losing it.
 
  Angry.
 
  It always take a little dose of her to make him lose his patience. Like a spark ignited in a room full of gas. She made him burn every single oxygen molecules till he can't breathe.  
 
  She can try to hate him but he knew she couldn't stop as much he couldn't stop himself. He felt so many emotions at the same time he thought he might just break down. She got him so high that it was bordering permanent lunacy. And she knew it. He'd told her once how she was comparable to the drugs he'd had. There was no feeling that could top it off before her. And she drove him crazy at every single thing she does or say. She made it seem like a game and it seduced him to no end. She didn't want him but she didn't stop him from taking every single ounce of her affection. Her endless question, her cold heart that refused to open and her fierce defense that confuse him to no end. She pushed hard, but unconsciously dragged him along with her - refusing to affirm all his insinuations. She said no, but he'd never seen a more subtle spark of desire that was so obvious that he couldn't turn away and leave like any logic-minded man.
 
  Was it a mistake?
 
  He couldn't be more grateful of the mistake.
 
  Her penchant for a chase got her where he wanted her.
 
  'If you want me, come find me,'
 
  If she thought he was just like any other young man, she was so wrong. And when he found her, he did all that he promised.
 
  He hated how he could touch her and keep her within reach but at the same, be haunted by the thought of her slipping through his fingers like water.
 
  "You're so beautiful," he whispered to her, again in the dark. And everytime he told her when she was conscious, she was staring far beyond the room that prisoned them. Slightly irritated, he tugged her hair back, tilting her pretty head to face him. Her brown eyes stared at him with the distant look that challenged him further. Suddenly he felt like he didn't push her to the edge enough. All the love he made to her only gave her slightest spark of life. The constant anger that possessed had to be appeased by the satisfaction that he was on top of her. Now, he'd only settled with circling his arms around her and settled her warm back onto his chest. Her heartbeat reached him so easily. It was almost the only sign of the love that he came to fall for some time ago. His palm traced her ribs and settled on her stomach. He caressed the soft surface, sensing the hitch in her breath.
 
  "Why do you make it so hard, Lea?"
 
  He kissed the thinning shoulder. If only he could protect her from herself. Her fears and doubts that refused to leave.
 
 

Author's Note

There are alot of things that one couldn't help but to wonder...am I doing it right?

Reviews

[June Summers]

This is beautiful prose, sensual and thought-provoking. But what strikes me is that you switch tenses from past to present or the other way around at various places, even within the same sentence.

For example:
"Her eyes that water (present) stared (past) at the ceiling."

I suppose it sounds bad to say:
"Her eyes that watered stared at the ceiling."

But I think you could solve this in numerous ways, to name but a few:
"Her watering eyes stared at the ceiling."
"Her eyes watered, staring at the ceiling."
"Her eyes stared at the ceiling, watering."

Then again, you already mentioned her eyes watering in the preceding paragraph. You could try using different words for variation, "her eyes filled with tears" or "tears welled in her eyes," etc.

Otherwise, this was very well-written piece! :)