Words left unsaid

I'm not even sure where to start, but if I don't get this out of me it'll do nothing except continue to eat me up inside. Every time we talk it turns into a battle with no result. Or we simply ignore things. I can't help the way I feel. It's impossible to go back to how I was before. I'll never be her again. We have met, crossed paths, exchanged many words. There is no going back. When I am at my saddest and loneliest, I sometimes close my eyes and hold my breathe and wish with all my being that I would forget you, but that hasn't happened yet. Other times I think I'll shatter into a million pieces if I lost you. In the end my brain races at a mile a minute and my heart doesn't know how to let you go. Though it seemed very easy for you to do so. So easy, in fact, that I even doubt that those feelings existed. Love isn't just something you turn off or callously move on from. Real love is strong and fierce and makes your chest ache. It keeps you up at night and makes you crazy. Love isn't traded away and replaced with a cheaper model. That is not how love works. I didn't even have a chance to tell you "I love you too." Why didn't you want that??? Those words carry so much weight and I would never say them if they weren't the truth. Would they even mean anything to you?? Apparently coming from someone else they meant a lot. Even though they lied. The cruelest lie of all. She couldn't possibly. Who can just say they love someone and not follow through??? Especially to someone as special and irreplaceable as you. I still can't believe you could so casually choose the convenient path with such a hard ending instead of the hard path with such a happy one. I would have worshipped the ground you walked on, done anything for you, whatever it took to see you happy, to be the reason there's a smile on your face, to fall asleep in your arms every night and wake up in your warmth. I would have been happy forever. That's all I've ever wanted for you. Happiness. Even if I wasn't meant to be a part or the cause of your happiness. I'd give up every dream I've had of us together so long as you come out the winner. And I could have told you she'd let you down, but you are free to make your own choices and nothing I could have said would have done anything anyway. I could see she wasn't right for you, but I respect you enough to know mistakes are lessons and you know this too. Hopefully she taught you something. I've never, ever relished being the kind of person who says things like I told you so. It's childish and I haven't been a child for quite a while. I know what I want. I just wish I knew what you wanted too. Maybe if I had the courage to ask something might change. Maybe if I could see you something might change. Maybe if our paths had crossed sooner or maybe later. Maybe, maybe, maybe.....



And now she sits every day drowning in her broken heart wondering What If?

Reviews

[Ardra]

sometimes its difficult to be in that shoes... not to know what they want ... life would have been so simple if only we could get a clarity :)
am not sure if you are writing to let it go..
anyways good luck :)

[Kinsey]

Matters of the heart are never simple. Writing is therapy for me.

[Ardra]

i understand.. it helps a lot too..just to scribble all that comes out :)

hold on girl... things going down ways will have some or the other better things at the end of the road...