Devastating Perfection

Richard has a big date coming and he discusses strategies for success.

When I was a young boy I received the most important lesson of my life from my father.

My father was a great man, he put success over all else. Financial success, physical success, domestic success were all his. As children father would constantly push and prod us to excellence.

Father would always say life is a contest and we're a family of winners. My father was a great man.

Personally I think first impressions are the most important moments in our lives. When another person first lays eyes on you they embed their impression of you in the back of their brain. No one wants to be remembered as some disheveled slob. When I meet someone I make my judgment in the first five minutes. I think it's important to be seen as a leader and someone who can get things done.

Surroundings can have a profound impact on a first impression. After all, how can someone hear my confidence, intelligence, and wit over the din of a crowded restaurant? Last thing I want is to stumble over my words because some schmuck is having a birthday party at table three. Renting out this restaurant was money well spent.

On a first date food is a vital element to the experience. Bad food can severely impact the whole date even if you didn't prepare it. How will Victoria recognize what a fantastic catch I am if she's stuck eating the weakest item on the menu? Many ill advised men in my situation would simply order for the woman, but this is a common pitfall. Ordering for a woman tells her you think you know better than her and you're controlling. I don't want my date thinking I'm controlling. I got some annoyed looks from the cooks when I had my own ingredients flown in, by the end of the night they'll see I made the right choice.

Right before she arrives I have the host dim all the lights to their lowest setting accept the one directly above our table. I make sure I'm seated at our table when she arrives. With the way the light is cast down on me I'm going to appear to be the most important detail in the room. Lighting is a detail often overlooked when crafting a first impression.

In she walks, long blonde hair framing her face. She's beautiful; we'd make a very attractive couple. She hesitates slightly as she enters. Clearly she is overcome by the perfection I have carefully crafted. Her eyes are guided to me by the thoughtfully orchestrated lighting. Slowly she makes her way to our table.

"Richard Pratt?" She nervously asks.

"You must be Victoria Kelly. You look stunning this evening."

I offer her my hand. I put a great deal of thought into my handshake technique. When shaking hands with a lady I make sure my grip is firm but not overpowering. My hands are very soft, I use an excellent moisturizer.

"Why isn't there anyone here?" She hasn't taken her coat off yet, she must be worried I'm out of her league.

"I wanted to make sure we weren't disturbed." I smirk but I take great care not cheese it up too much, I don't want to appear overly enthused over my show of wealth.

There is a brief moment of silence which I quickly interrupt.

"You should really sit down and take a look at the menu. Everything is fantastic, I made sure of that." I say motioning to her chair.

She turns and walks away.

As she walks through the door she mutters, "This is the creepiest blind date ever."

I enjoy my perfectly prepared meal in peaceful silence. Money well spent.

Author's Note

3rd Draft.

I'm looking for criticism to improve this piece so maybe at some point I could publish it.

All constructive criticism is appreciated.

Reviews

[Dr. Robert]

Not your best work, but a great exercise for bigger, better works.

Overall the story flowed well. The use of grammar was a little weak as was the punctuation but not enough to really distract from the overall story. Excellent job building the reader up then tearing them down. That style suits you very well and I would like to see more works like that

The plot is focused and precise. You can definately tell you have been applying the fundamentals from that screenwriting book I got you. You cut out the excess and what is left is a very strong and focused short. The first paragraph seems a little misguided however, and I felt it would have worked better if you intergrated it throughout the rest of your prose.

Overall I think this is one of your better works but not your best. You can definately tell that you have settled down and focused on the fundamentals of writing and it definately shows that you're developing very well as a writer. Like in the army, our AAR (after action review) here are 3 sustains and 3 improvements

Sustains
1.) Excellent use of fundamentals and overall flow of writing
2.) Amazingly focused plot with good twist at the end
3.) Excellent use of the man's stream of conscious style to really get in his head

Improvements
1.) Grammar and punctuation was somewhat limiting for a 3rd draft
2.) Introduction was strong but unfocused, should have intergrated it throughout the rest of your prose
3.) Building it up so much made the ending seem a little weak compared to the rest of the story

[Jūdan FyreHeart]

I liked this a lot. You captured the main character's personality perfectly and gave a good build up. The ending was perfect, I was thinking how incredibly creepy it was the amount of thought that guy had put into everything. It was great to see the girl reacted in the way I would rather than going with the guy's thoughts.
The calculating and arrogant attitude was portrayed very well and added to the feeling as whole.

[Shizon22]

When i started to read the story i didn't feel like i was in a piece of fiction i thought it was kind of a memoir. Do you intend to extend this from the end? Or add to the start and end? For me adding to the start would get me more involved.

I do like the subject matter great concept!

I think with as much description at the start of the piece there should be more in the date scene.

Good characters, Richards well worked and lives up to his making.

[Michael Todd]

Great story. Flows wonderfully and I loved the whole scene when she arrived and left.
Cool stuff.