Anguish Of Knowing

We sat there, isolated in the middle of the demise. We had only each other to talk to as the fire we sat between crackled with every ember that decided to burn hotter. She sat opposite from me; she had the right to. I had distanced myself from her, and she was supposed to leave me, but for some reason she was still here. It made not a single ounce of sense why she never left, for I had yelled every insult I could think of to her. She feuded back with me, bashing me also with name-calling. It was childish, what we did; I’m surprised I didn’t stop myself in such a foolish act. I’m surprised she didn’t stop herself, as I thought that she would’ve.

            “I’m sorry.” I finally uttered. “I didn’t mean to call you a b***h, among other things, and I didn’t mean to insult your family.”

            “Adler, you don’t need to be sorry; I’m the one that should be apologizing…” She replied.

            “No, Elda, you deserved to be treated better.”

            “We’re not going to argue about this…”

            “Then what are we going to argue about?!” The fire’s crackling overtook the silence for a few moments.

            “I don’t want you to get angry…” Elda said.

            “You didn’t think I got angry back when we had to give up our motorcycle to some road bandits?! I wanted to kill those b******s!”

            “Adler, you’re not thinking rationally…”

            “No, I’m perfectly clear-headed!”

            “Adler, you’re not! Just listen to yourself!”

            “I am listening to myself!”

            “You always say that, in every single time that we ever yell at each other, you always say that you hear yourself, but I know that every time you say that, you’re f*****g lying!” The damned crackling of the fire overtook our silence once again. I tried to think of what to say in the longer silence.

            “I know that I’m lying to you…” I said, regretfully. “I know that if I would’ve said this earlier, it wouldn’t have been a surprise to you. Yes, I did kiss your friend at that party, I wrecked your car, I punched your mom in the face when I said that Michael did it…and I’m sorry for much more than that. I’m sorry for breaking down around you…it’s just that you were one person I could trust.”

            The crackling burst out into our midst once again as Elda stared at me with the most vicious eyes, her face saying that she was thinking.

            “After you hear all of this, you’ll hate the anguish of knowing. I was never someone you could come to. Every time that you wanted someone to come to, and when you would come to me with your problems, I would act. I never really felt any sympathy for you, in all truthfulness. I never cared for you, and I should’ve told you from the start. I should never have put you through all of this turmoil just to try to get to me. You’re such an outgoing man, and that’s an attribute that I admire…but that attribute is as far as it goes in terms of what I like about you.

            “Now, yes, you are handsome, I won’t lie to you about that. But I never accepted you; you were always a foreigner to me in terms of everything. I didn’t like your religion, I sometimes liked your jokes, but most of the time they were campy, you’re not that much of a romantic, you sure as hell don’t know how to write a love song…I can’t tell you how much ridicule I got for what you wrote me. After you played that song for me, my friends did not let me live down the fact that you are a horrible song writer.”

            “How bad was the song?” I asked.

            “You could’ve belched out the alphabet, and that would’ve been more romantic.” She replied.

            “So, I was that bad?”

            “More than you can ever imagine. And any time that you would try to impress me, it wouldn’t work. You have no understanding of biology, since you would try to out-perform me in science class, and you would fail miserably at trying to do so. Our science teacher actually gave you extra points on assignments that you nearly failed when they were attempts to impress me because he got a thrill out of laughing at you.”

            “So, I was horrible?”

            “Like I said, more than you know. And I’m still not sure why I’m out here with you, in the middle of nowhere, trying to still make this thing we have between us work.” A tear tried to roll down her face, but she held it back. The crackling of the fire was not so loud during our silence.

            “So, why were you with me in the first place?”

            “It was because of a bet my friends made with me. Each one of them is paying me fifty dollars per month that I stay with you. Now, I know that dating you for money was a good thing to do, and it isn’t right…but I seriously couldn’t refuse the money. I mean, yeah, there’s a little bit of suffering I have to do in being with you, but fifty dollars coming from ten people per month; I can’t pass up a deal like that.”

            “Actually, I don’t blame you…”

            “I figured you wouldn’t.”

            The ambience and the fire overtook us again, allowing me time to think. I could let this all go right now, or try to drown Elda in the waters that we sat near. I weighed the decisions in my mind, and I went with my first idea, since I didn’t have the guts to kill someone, and it was ridiculous to kill someone over a false promise. There were worse things that I’ve dealt with in the past.

            “So, does this mean we’re over?” I asked.

            “If that’s the way you want it to be.” Elda replied. “I’m just tired of the acting. I’m realizing that I want to find someone who I’m truly going to love for the rest of my life. I don’t want to waste my time with dealing with bullshit like this…dating you, I mean. Not that the whole experience with you was bullshit, I mean, the dating for money thing, and dating someone because your friends told you to. It’s a stupid idea, and I’m ready to grow up. I’m ready to start a life for myself. I’m sorry that it doesn’t include you in it, as it would be a sort of apology, but I want my life to be real. I want my experiences to be the way I want them to be. I just want to graduate from high school, and go out to live my life.”

            “You’ll find some nice guy that’ll make you happy?”

            “That, I’ll promise you. Only if that is some sort of apology…”

            I smiled.

            “Seeing you truly happy is an apology enough.” I said. She smiled back at me.

            “Thank you.” She replied.      

            We listened to the crackling of the fire for a little bit longer before we decided to stand up to issue our goodbyes.

            “Remember, find yourself a good guy that makes you happy.” I said.

            “And you, find some woman that will love you for who you are.” She replied. We both smiled, and walked away.

            As I walked away from her, there was still some pit in my heart that burned and stung from her words. I wasn’t sure as to why it was doing this because all of the feelings I’d had for her were starting to wash away long before this night. I figured that maybe some part of me still had some sort of allegiance to her, some way that she would always be with me.

            The next day, I still remembered the night before, and I prepared for my day, as usual. I drove to school, and walked into the school complex. It was almost the end of the school year, and I would be graduating soon. Both Elda and I would graduate, symbolizing our achievement of moving on with our lives. With this notion, I had a sort of skip in my step and a smile on my face.

            But when I came to the front doors of the school, I saw a poster for a memorial service. At the sight of this, my heart sank, because the picture of the person who the memorial was for, was Elda.

 

            I attended the memorial service when it was held the day after I saw the poster. I dressed in my best suit for the service. But as I passed over her open casket, I wondered if I wouldn’t have hurt deep down inside if I didn’t know she was dead.

            But I soon came to think of this notion as the Anguish Of Knowing

Reviews

[A.Noel]

wow, u really don't expect to find out she's dead the next morning...definitely a surprise.

[Kimberly]

Very interesting. Good job. I liked the ending.

[Ravyne Hawke]

Interesting story.. definitely a lot of twists and turns in it. I thought at first that he would confess a lot of stuff, but as it turns out, she did instead.. the deal with her friends, wow.. what a shocker! And the ending.. perfection. Great job, Luke!

[Coyote Poetry]

A sad ending to a interesting story. I like the conversation. Being paid $500 a month to be someone girlfriend. The ending was a surprise. I like the way he thought about her death.
"But I soon came to think of this notion as the Anguish Of Knowing"
A excellent story. It was a pleasure to read.
Coyote