Elizabeth's Gourd

Elizabeth's Gourd

A Poem by Lucas Grasha

Elizabeth’s Gourd


In the Victorian age, a knight gives a token to

his bride-to-be before he must depart for a battle far away;

the knight speaks first:

“Take this…it is a part of me.”

The woman unwraps the token from the cloth and she

furrows her brow. She then speaks:

“But these are kidney stones…”

“I brought them into this world through great agony,” he said.

“Take these back, please.”

“I want you to know that these things caused me great pain…”

“Um…that’s nice, but I don’t want these.”

“They made my penis burn like fire!”

“I really don’t want your bodily discharges.”

“Their passing reminded me of the time my mother hit me with a broom.”

“That’s nice; oh, look! Here’s your birthday present: your kidney stones!”

“This is not the time for jokes, milady.”

“I think this is the time for you to take your kidney stones back.”

“But in sorrow, I am to leave…”

“Then take your damn kidney stones with you.”

“I am to leave and fight other men to the death…”

“In that case, maybe you should take these kidney stones back and use them as good luck charms.”

“…To ride my steed over vast plains…”

“Your friends must hate you during Christmas time…”

“Maybe I will slay a dragon…”

“I can’t imagine what you’ll get my father as our wedding gift.”

“But I will return, milady; I will do anything for you.”

“Good--can you take these kidney stones back?”

“But, alas, I will have many more scars upon return.”

“Hopefully, you’ll leave all your kidney stones where you’ll leave to…”

“In that distant land, I don’t know what horrors I’ll see…”

“I’m seeing one of those horrors right now and it’s your kidney stones; oh! Save me from them!”

“Milady, you surely downplay my troubles.”

“Well, don’t you think I’m troubled by having to hold your kidney stones?”

“You must never know the depths of my troubles…”

“Dear Knight in Tin Foil: I don’t want your kidney stones. Love, Diane.”

“Those troubles are so cold and cavernous…”

“I’ll throw you into a cavern if you don’t shut up and take these kidney stones back.”

“The battles I’ve fought…the things I’ve seen…”

“I’m seeing your kidney stones right now and it’s pretty traumatic.”

“But through Hell and brimstone I’ve walked so perilously…”

“That’s cute. Hey, look: kidney stones I don’t want…”

“I remember the Gourd…”

“Don’t you understand I don’t want this s**t?”

“Oh, the Gourd! How it burns in my mind!”

“Take your Goddamn kidney stones!”

“But the Gourd!”

“I don’t give a s**t about your Gourd!”

“It left a scar on my mind!”

“I don’t give a flying f**k!”

“But the kidney stones are your birthday gift…”

“I told you I wanted diamonds, m**********r!”

Diane threw his kidney stones at his

face and stormed off;

the knight cried.

© 2012 Lucas Grasha

Author's Note

Lucas Grasha
What exactly would be my audience?

My Review

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You audience has to have quite a sense of humor. I found it absolutely hilarious. I couldn't help but laugh. At the same time, the romance, the knights love...
I thought it was good.

Posted 11 Years Ago

Kidney stones? Diamonds? we can't have it all.. Great story being shared... I love it..x

Posted 12 Years Ago

The idea was pretty hilarious. I think it needs more structure but its a great story and the dialogue was pretty good.

Posted 12 Years Ago

Kidney stones would be a poor gift for any lady. I like the feel of history and romance in this poem. I like the woman Diane rejected the gifts of kidney stones. Thank you for the excellent poem.

Posted 12 Years Ago

All, simply all - write and be great my love x

Posted 12 Years Ago

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6 Reviews
Added on April 5, 2012
Last Updated on April 8, 2012
Tags: Victorian, bad birthday present, irate wife, satire, humor, poetry, kidney stones, bad romance, brooms, knights, sorrow, anger


Lucas Grasha
Lucas Grasha

Pittsburgh, PA

I've chosen in life to use the pen in place of the sword; or rather, the giving in place of giving up. I believe that I do possess a talent, but that opinion is only mine; if you would please (if you .. more..

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