Miracle Whip

BENNY would not lie to you and say he stumbled upon the e-mail. He would tell you he went looking for it. He would tell you this because his suspicions had been right and he would not feel bad about that. He would read to you every word, emphasizing certain parts, that the man had written to his girlfriend. He would point and say, "See? Now you know why I never fully trusted her." He would be heart broken, yet feel accomplished at the same time. 

 His girlfriend, Betsy, had moved in a little more than a year before this. Everything was great. Despite their young age, they enjoyed acting far older than they were. Every night they would huddle up on the leather couch they had purchased together and watch their programs. On the weekends they would go to the park with their dog and eat homemade sandwiches; Betsy loved sandwiches. They rarely went out but, when they would, they would let their friends drink as they stayed sober, making judgments about their friends' lives. Now Barry stood alone as the judge. 

 He thought about writing the man back, pretending to be Betsy, and breaking the whole thing off. But the guy would probably text her and ask why she didn't just call. Or, best case scenario, he would stop talking to her, but then Benny would just have to worry about someone else later. 

 He looked at her books and figured maybe he would put them in the fireplace and light them on fire, followed by her clothes and family heirlooms she had inherited and decorated the apartment with. Maybe he would kill the dog and put it on her side of the bed and not come home until he knew she had found it. The dog lazily lifted its head off the couch and looked at him when he had thought that. No. He would not kill the dog. The dog was innocent. 

 He started many texts to her. Angry texts. Explaining how her stuff would be boxed up when she got home and she would have less than two hours to make sure she was moved out. He called her a w***e. A s**t. A home-wrecker. A b***h. She would read none of that though. In one, he was surprisingly polite, calmly explaining how he knew about the other man and how he thought they should work on their relationship. This one he hated the most. 

 He sat back down at the computer, read the e-mail one more time, then opened a new box and googled how to get revenge on an ex. He thought if he couldn't come up with something, some other angry person was sure to have an idea. 

 The first website he came to simply started with "Calm down. Breathe for a moment. You are a good person and you deserve the best." This actually made him feel a little better, as if it had been said by his mother as she gave him a warm plate of food and a pat on the head. "Now that that's been said," the website carried on, "you're here because you've been wronged and want to get back at your ex. We know just how to help." 

 Barry kept reading. And reading. And reading. There were ideas innocent enough as leaving an anonymous letter on their car window that explained to them you knew everything and would tell yourself if they didn't stop. They went so far as to recommend plugging their nose as they slept and, when they woke up gasping for air, you simply mutter, "Don't mess with me,". He read a testimonial from a woman who had sent her boyfriend a package in the mail that had a foreign address on it. Inside was a typed out three page letter of every fear and secret her ex had ever had, displayed in red font. She boasted about how he started posting on Facebook how scared he was and didn't understand how this person had come about this knowledge. None of these ideas, however, seemed right to Barry so he closed the window and went back into the kitchen. 

 Looking around, he saw the loaf of bread on the counter and he knew what he had to do. Opening the package, Barry spread the slices of bread on the counter, then got a knife and put miracle whip on them. Reaching into the fridge, he pulled out Betsy's honey-baked ham and used all of it. After all twelve sandwiches were made and piled high on a plate, he sat down on the couch and began to eat. 

 He would tell you how it felt like an eternity. How after the first one, the ham started to taste of rubber. How a couple times, near the end, he had to literally hold his mouth closed so that it all went down. He would describe to you the way bread tastes when you've eaten more than you should, and how miracle whip takes the form of a crusty pudding after a while. How he just kept imagining the look of disappointment on Betsy's face when she came home and realized what had happened. How he hoped she had been dreaming about a nice sandwich all day, only to come home and find all that was left was miracle whip and crumbs on the counter. 

 He would tell you about how her reaction, when she finally did show up, was priceless, and how, after hearing her yell and cry, he had decided it was the best decision he had ever made. How she apologized and yet he still kicked her out onto the street. He would explain how good it felt. 

 What he would not tell you was how he got devastatingly sick. That he spent over two hours in the bathroom throwing up, washing out his mouth with Scope, and then throwing up some more. How the ham looked unchewed just floating in the water, surrounded by soggy bread and his breakfast eggs. He would not tell you that he was in so much pain that he blacked out once he finally made it to the bed. That he missed Betsy coming home. How she had not been angry at all. She didn't even know why he had done it. She just kissed him on the cheek as he slobbered on the pillow and then sat on their leather couch and ate the bowl of cereal she had been dreaming about all day while at work. 

Reviews

[Brittany]

What I get out of this is that Benny is a bit of a coward. He omits all the important details to "save face". I really like the revenge aspect of the story, and how he can't seem to follow through. He seems very passive aggressive. Settling on the revenge of eating all the sandwhiches- even though, in the end he's only hurting himself. He's completely relatable in this aspect though. He wants her to pay, yet is afraid of losing her. I also got the feeling this story was touching on how well we really know our significant others. Studying their habits isn't enough to really gauge what a person wants. And we often forget to factor in a person's capability of change. In the begining of the story, they are both so set on ritual- with their programs and quiet judgements of those around them. Then circling to the end, Betsy is secretly talking to another man, and doesn't react in the way he thought she would when she gets home. She hadn't even wanted a sandwhich- sort of a play on Murphy's Law. Or maybe I'm wrong. But I really liked Benny "Googling" revenge- brilliant.

[Tim M]

Nice job, man. I love the narrative style, as though it's being whispered into the audience's ears. I was nauseous while Benny ate the sandwiches, and while I agree with Britt that it is a passive-aggressive act, I also think it's so much more wretched than having a fight or destroying her belongings. He's destroying himself to wound her, and in the end he's (maybe) just punishing himself for being a coward in the first place. Good stuff, make more.