The Court part 4

Final part of the court chapter! Next: "Let Them Eat Cake"

I stood there in the living room, shocked. No scared. A Hunting lesson? Sh*t. I didn't even agree to join them yet. Even if I somehow did, I didn't and will never sign up for hunting. Back in school, we were forced to participate in camping excursions, we were taught how to survive the wilds and hunt for food, but I just couldn't stand it. I'd always rant about how useless it was and how we will never use it. I just wished I would pay some attention back then. I still remembered that we were ranked from one to twenty on how skillful we were. Twenty being the most skilled and one being a wimp. You guessed it, I got a one. Everyone laughed at me, I never raised my head up for weeks. 

I need a plan, a plan that must work. Who knows what he will do to me. I walked around, trying to concoct a plan. The more I thought about it, the more worried I became. What am I going to do?

Seconds became minutes, which slowly turned to hours. I looked through the wide windows, hoping that a miracle would happen, that I would be spared. But that was a waste of time. Through the windows, I saw the outskirts of the city, the ruins and the tall concrete walls built years ago. The symbol of rebellion, engraved by the Outcasters and the poors was still there. The government never bothered to fix it as the elites never complain about it anyway. The government was to busy with the upcoming war that nobody knew was coming. The symbol was a Fasces, a bundle of wooden rods, with an axes blade emerging. The symbol was sunken into the wall, that separated the wilderness and the city. The creator of the symbol, was unknown, but if anyone were to be found with it, will be mutilated to death. Everyone, including the elites never spoke about it. It was considered taboo. 

I stood next to a flower vase, contemplating the horrifying image of nothing left, but ruins. All I remembered was an explosion, what happened after I fainted was an empty chapter of my life. I didn't know that the city was bombed. By who? I didn't know that either. At one moment you were having an argument with your sister, at another, you were saved by a banned group that lived in the wilderness. It was remarkable that the mansion I was at, still stood firm, unlike its neighbors. I watched the sun sets and a voice called out to me.

"Alex?" 

I turned around and saw mother and father, running to me. Although, they were wearing the suits that they wore while sitting patiently, being painted in the painting, they looked weary and in pain. 

"M... Mother? Father?" I ran to them and gave them a hug, "I missed you so so much!" 

I've never been that happy all of my life. Tears just streamed down from my eyes like a flowing river. They felt so warm, all I wanted to do, was to hug them tight forever. But it didn't last long. All of a sudden, their bodies started to turn translucent,  and I could barely feel  them. What is happening?

I panicked. I tried to grab on to them, but their bodies kept on deteriorating.

"Alex! Alex!" Said mother, crying, "You must find Mia!" 

"Mother! Father!" I cried, "What is happening?!" My hands reached out to the ghostly figures of my parents.

"Alex! Just find Mia!" My father's voice spoke out, "Promise us to protect her!"

Their ghostly figures disappeared, but the voices of their's are still there. "Promise us." 

"I promise!" I said, "I promise I will find her and protect her!"

"Hey!" A voice called out, "Wake up!"

I was lying on a golden plated chair, soaking wet. It was all a dream. I sighed and saw Noah standing beside me. He was wearing his old shirt, but he had a jacket on top this time. A brown leather bag sat on the ground beside him, filled to the brim. I could tell at a glance that it was heavy.

"Ready?" Said Noah.

Oh no, I must have fallen asleep, while making the plan. What am I going to do?

Noah didn't wait for me to reply. He left the room, and left the doors open. I grabbed the knife and followed him. 

Walking down the steps outside the mansion, I smelled the world. The smoke coming from the ruins, I nearly choked myself in, covered almost everything. I looked back at the building, as if it was a final goodbye, and saw Iris looking through the windows. She didn't look sad at all. In fact the look on her face, that skewed smile of her's, just told me that something good will happen. Noah led the way, and I followed. I couldn't help, but my body shook with fear and rage. For some reasons, I felt like I would be dead, or worse, I would lose my humanity. Then I remembered the promise I made in the dream. I need to survive and find Mia. 

Author's Note

Please tell me you opinions about the story so far. Thank you for reading. Next chapter will be out soon. "Let Them Eat Cake" :)

Reviews

[Xavier Lee]

My first thought when I started was "Shocked. No, scared." Also foods should be food. He believed that in this world they would never use hunting or basic survival skills? He didn't believe that you could never use hunting skills? Is he stupid? Also, I'd remove "You guessed it" Not sure why, but I would.
I might change that line into "Seconds became minutes, which slowly turned into hours." But why is he waiting for hours? These people that he just met are going to leave him alone in their place for hours by himself?
We don't really need to know how he knows that it's his city. You can describe the city, sure, but he could just say "My city." I believe when he woke up he realized where he was, and then went on to describe the place from memory and talk about how he'd been there. Saying that he's in 'his' city is redundant because we already know that.
The government never fixed the graffiti left by criminals because the high class never complained about it? What is this society? Is it totalitarian or socialist or what is going on with this world? You started out with a description of this world being in the future after horrible wars. But as I've done (admittedly) with Precipice, you haven't given us much to show that this takes place in a future world plagued by war. Also, you continue by saying that the symbol (fasces) is a taboo that can be punished with death, but nobody bothered to remove the giant one imprinted there for all to see?
You have a problem with tenses, I.e. "I watched as the sun sets and a voice called out to me."
In addition, you overuse commas like a madman. Though we've been taught that they do, commas do not indicate a pause, use ellipses for that (...).
Hold on, The place was bombed, and now they're going hunting? What do they expect to find? Is it safe to go out there? Also "By who? I didn't know that too." Grammatically that 'too' should be 'either', second, should he know that? How could he know that?
The bag was "all filled"? What does that mean? A better line I think is, "A brown leather bag sat on the ground beside him, filled to the brim. I could tell at a glance that it was heavy."
"For some reasons, I felt like I would be dead, or worse, I would lose my humanity." Enlighten me because I'm curious. What exactly is it like to feel as though you are going to lose your humanity? I don't know that feeling and I can't imagine anyone does. You could have left it at 'A sense of dread came over me."
David, I think your problem is that you're trying to sound smart in some parts, but in others you don't care. Don't try to sound smart, because it won't work. You cannot follow "foods" with "translucent". What I'm trying to say is, and forgive me for the bluntness, how old are you? Your writing, while good, reads like a middle-schooler wrote it. I developed Precipice in middle school, so I remember what it was like. The writing is too quickly paced and the grammar and word use are atrocious. Most simply, you're too impatient. Trust me, it'll get there. The story is in your head but you need to slow it down and perfect it before you write it down. Sit down, sit quietly, and take the time to truly reflect on what it is you're doing.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to slow down and revise like it will never be perfect. Because only then can your writing become what it's meant to be.
Forgive me if I've offended you, but I've given you basically the same advice on each chapter you've written, but your problems haven't gone away. As always I hope you'll take this as constructive criticism, and really reflect on what I've said. You have the potential to be a great writer, but you need to slow down and for wont of a better phrase, grow up.

[David Ung]

Thank you for reading and reviewing, I really appreciate that, but there are some parts that I am afraid I don't agree with you.
Alex was an elite. In my world, the elites lived in opulence and the government covered their eyes with lies. They don't even cook, they got servants or AI butlers to cook for them. So hunting might not be a necessary skill to have, or so he thought. Plus, elites were served with everything they will ever need, and beyond. So, as an elite child, he was raised to think that hunting and surviving skills were useless.
Those people left him there, and went on to do their separate jobs. They were not just sitting around doing nothing. They were all busy. So, Alex was left alone.
The government never bothered to fix it due to the fact that, they never receive any complaints (it is totalitarian) and they were too busy with the upcoming war. They knew that a war is coming. So, they spent most of their time on preparation and paid less attention to the people.
The city was bombed, Noah knew that they wouldn't find anything in the city, and so they are going out to the wild to hunt. Outcasters lived almost their entire lives beyond the walls. They saw that the bombs were dropped from jets and they came to aid those who needs it. So, Noah knew that it is safer in the wild.
He felt like he is going to lose his humanity, because he knew that he will be forced to kill and he doesn't kill. Not yet.
I agree that I am rushing quite a bit, but that is due to the fact that I am also posting on wattpad. And on that site, I need to post very very frequently, five days to be exact. I will try to improve upon this, and try to make my next chapter better.
Thank you.

[Xavier Lee]

Thank you for clarifying, but I feel like we should have gotten all of this from the story itself, and we didn't. Also, what war was upcoming? I didn't know there was a war about to happen. I wasn't assuming that they were doing nothing, if they could leave him alone for hours, they obviously had stuff to do. But two notes on that. First, what were they doing that they could leave him alone for hours? Stuff, sure, but what? Second, I'm just not sure on why they're trusting him to be alone in their place for hours, with noone to even check up on him?

[Nonnye]

Your story and character have potential as does your setting. The writing became stronger at one point. Look at those points and consider what you were doing, thinking and yes feeling. There is a since of "slowing down" letting the scene develop in your mind's eye and a willingness to wait to bring it forward to paper. If you do not have the bones of the story in print and you are putting them out to be read by others as soon it comes to you wait. Write it for yourself then go back and hang out with a paragraph or scene, do your rewrites, hang out with them then do the next set of rewrites. Far too few people like rewrites but this is where you get to know you character, their world, where you get to know your story. Examples of more polished writing in your piece: In your 3rd paragraph that starts "Seconds become. . ." There was a since of development here, a since of attention from the writer to the piece being written. I got the same feeling when you introduced the vision of your parents. You are integrating the senses better but they need more development and less telling. "I smelled the world. The smoke coming from the ruins, I nearly choked myself in, covered almost everything.
First is" "I nearly choked myself in," A typo? Take it out. It means nothing and looks like a typo. "I smelled the world." Great beginning. Now show us. Make us feel the acid fumes from the scorched and smoldering city! One last thing. You have to edit for grammar and spelling. I am the worst speller in the world so when a piece stops me because of spelling and grammar there is a problem. You cannot get feedback for content if the content is off because of spelling or typos and the reader has to work to understand what you are getting at. This also shows a lack of interest in writing. You have to put the foundation in if you want anyone to take the work seriously.

[Xavier Lee]

Well said Nonnye. I'm glad someone know how to explain this better than me.