Random Free Verse #2 (Right Before Death from Sleeplessness!)

This is right before I am about to just pass out from exhaustion...been a long day and night and day...and work and working out has taken the toll. Oh well! I am a young, strapping young boy ;) Edit: See said young twice haha

I feel I have let all of you down,

Seeking the right words

None can be found.

I drove up North to rid you of my failure,

But in your mind I linger around.

 

Going from genius to lost soul

I don't blame you for looking away.

Casting a glance at your pride in me,

I lurk away from what I see.

Seems like only yesterday

I was loved.

 

The pain you feel from a failed man

Could never register with my lost plan.

I took a chance and felt a shock,

Looking down for ground,

I saw I laid up to asky,

No words can be found.

 

I'll drown myself if it appeases you.

I'll take that noose and swing.

And if what you say is really true,

Then maybe I can bring...

One last chance to the table.

 

I promise this time I can't fail.

Not quitting when times get rough,

It's been a winter of hail,

But I am so tough.

Parents, no more embarressing child.

I know you love me more than all,

I just feel I have been your downfall.

 

Maybe I'm using you to hide my own pain.

A facade of rebellion,

So I don't taste my rain?

You always stood so strong,

Even when my tears were too much.

I thought you never cared,

Now I know I was wrong.

 

 

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

This is very powerful. Some of the images really stick out, too, which is helpful. My only issue is that sometimes the rhymes that you use feel a little forced. Free verse should be free! I'm not saying you have to abandon all your rhymes all together, but there were definitely points where I felt it got a little rhyme-heavy and that distorted your message and cluttered the poem. I felt it most strongly in this stanza:
"I promise this time I can't fail.
Not quitting when times get rough,
It's been a winter of hail,
But I am so tough.
Parents, no more embarressing child.
I know you love me more than all,
I just feel I have been your downfall."

Some of the rhyme seemed forced or overdone and that weakens your message. (Also, "embarrassing" is spelled wrong.) Keep in mind that I'm a very nit-picky critic, but I think that this poem could be much better if you reworked it a little and rethought some of the rhymes. Good job in general, though. It was an interesting piece to read.

[Teenage poet]

Rather amazing poem. Absolutly astounding. Keep up the amazing writing. No matter what people tell you.