Yin and Yang

This is my second writing piece for my creative writing class. The two main characters are supposed to be in conflict with each other.

Thunder reverberated in the dark grey sky above. Dark clouds loomed over the city of San Francisco. Rain fell mercilessly; pedestrians ran for cover as they attempted to avoid being splashed from cars as they passed.

“If we go out there we’ll be soaked,” complained Gillian. “I told you we should have waited but you don’t listen, do you?”

She was staring out the window from her seat at the little diner in the building next to their hotel. Thomas was sitting across from her. He was staring intently at his phone, willing it to ring. They were the only ones in the diner.

At her comment, Thomas glanced up and narrowed his eyes. “You’re the one who invited yourself. I never asked you to come,” replied Thomas. Gillian turned to glare him.

Her forest greens eyes flashed, illuminating her pale white face. Gillian’s auburn hair was loose around her shoulders; a few wisps of curls were sticking to her face from sweat. She was anxious and scared, but she wasn’t going to give Thomas the chance to sense it. Instead she chose to express her anger at being mocked.

“Only because you can’t be trusted,” Gillian retorted. Her arms were crossed over her chest. Thomas is mendacious and cunning , so you cannot let him out of your sights. Her father’s words danced across her thoughts as she stared hard at Thomas. “I bet if I hadn’t come tonight, you would have twisted the terms of the agreement with Niall.”

“Quit being so temperamental,” Thomas said, his voice impassive. He was staring at his phone again. Gillian was getting nervous and irritated with Thomas for fidgeting with his phone.

“Quit being so emotionally detached,” mimicked Gillian. “I’m just saying, you have a history of being a conniving jerk, so don’t blame me for not trusting you.” She placed her palms face down on the table and began tapping her fingers against the flat surface.

Thomas sighed and put his phone away. “And what are you? A flawless angel of complete equanimity? You’re easily provoked. The volume of your rage is unpredictable, but it leaves you vulnerable and erratic. You waste all your energy being choleric; you should probably get a hold on your anger.”

Gillian rolled her eyes and fixed her gaze out the window to the grim, empty streets. “I wouldn’t be so irritable if I didn’t have to work with you,” she mumbled under her breath. A lone figure appeared in the empty street across from the diner. Gillian glanced at Thomas. He had pulled out his phone again. Her temper flared once more. “Will you put your damn phone away and look!”

Thomas’s eyes gleamed from under his lashes. He seemed tense and annoyed as he looked at her, but Gillian wasn’t paying attention to him. She was watching who she suspected was Niall taking his time striding over to the diner. Thomas followed her gaze to the man coming towards them. It had stopped raining outside, but smog covered the ground. Gillian wasn’t entirely sure the man was Niall anymore. For one, he was too tall. Almost as tall as Thomas, but the man was bulkier than him. Thomas was lean and quick, not muscular and slow.

Out of the corner of her eye, Gillian spotted Thomas rise from his seat. She ignored him, not out of her on accord but because she was transfixed. She couldn’t pull her gaze away from the man. Thomas detected her unusual behavior and yanked her out of the seat. He kept a strong grip on her arm as he pulled her towards the door. Gillian, who would have normally been repelled by Thomas’s touch, allowed him to guide her back towards the entrance to their hotel.

The man was closing in on them. Gillian was still in a trance-like state. She attempted to pull away from Thomas to walk towards the man, but Thomas yanked her towards the lobby of their hotel. Once the man was out of sight, Gillian snapped out of her reverie.

She glanced down to where Thomas held on to her arm in a death grip. “What are you doing? Let me go, you jerk!” She wrenched her arm out of his grip. Gillian brushed her right hand over her arm. There is going to be a bruise there, thought Gillian.

That thought triggered her anger. The next thing she knew, Gillian was punching Thomas as hard as she could on his arm.

“Ouch! What the hell, Gillian? Why did you do that?” asked Thomas. One look at her face and he seemed to understand. “Hey, you were the one all mesmerized by that stranger. And before you can argue no it was not Niall. I don’t know who it was. Niall was supposed to call me when he was near us.”

---

Author's Note

Can you tell the characters have conflicting personality traits?

Reviews

[Sarah]

Hi nice to meet you. Your piece caught my eye so I thought I would review it! Be warned: I may come off as a little harsh as I am very thorough, but I try to be as constructive as possible, and my comments are for those who wish to know someone else’s true opinion and hopefully learn what they can do to improve their work and grow. It is what I look for in reviewers and I expect nothing less. You don’t have to take my word as gospel. I always start with the so-called negative comments. I hope this helps, truly. All my comments will be in brackets.

I’ll start sentence by sentence.

'Thunder reverberated in the dark grey sky above. Dark clouds loomed over the city of San Francisco. Rain fell mercilessly; pedestrians ran for cover as they attempted to avoid being splashed from cars as they passed.'
(Change to: "Thunder reverberated in the grey sky above. Dark clouds loomed over the city of San Francisco and rain fell mercilessly; pedestrians ran for cover as they attempted to avoid being splashed by the passing cars.")

"They were the only ones in the diner."
(Instead of putting more emphasis on your characters, put emphasis on the setting like so: "The rest of the diner was deserted.")

"At her comment, Thomas glanced up and narrowed his eyes. “You’re the one who invited yourself. I never asked you to come,” replied Thomas. Gillian turned to glare at him.
Her forest greens eyes flashed, illuminating her pale white face."
(This part doesn't need "replied Thomas" because in the sentence before you established that the focus is already on him, however if you want to keep it, change it too "he replied" Also when it says "Gillian turned to glare at him." and then "Her forest greens eyes flashed, illuminating her pale white face." maybe either combine both these thoughts into one since they are similar like so: "Gillian's forest green eyes flashed Thomas a disgusted (or some other adjective) glare, her pale white face illuminated under the fluorescent lights" or some thing along those lines or get rid of one)

"a few wisps of curls were sticking to her face from sweat. She was anxious and scared, but she wasn’t going to give Thomas the chance to sense it. Instead she chose to express her anger at being mocked."
(change to "A few wisps of curls stuck to the sweat on her face." change to "Though she was anxious and scared, she wasn't going to give Thomas the satisfaction of knowing so." also I suggest you drop the " at being mocked" so that it will look like so: "Instead she chose to express her anger."and place that piece of information somewhere else, maybe up above. Or you could add another sentence and say "She didn't like being mocked.")

"Her father’s words danced across her thoughts as she stared hard at Thomas."
(change to "…danced across her thoughts as she pierced Thomas with a hard look.")

"“Quit being so emotionally detached,” mimicked Gillian."
(is mimicked the right word for this, ask yourself what she is mimicking and make a decision as to whether you should keep that word or change it)

"For one, he was too tall. Almost as tall as Thomas, but the man was bulkier than he was."
(Combine: "For one, he was too tall, almost as tall as Thomas, and bulkier than he was.")

"Out of the corner of her eye, Gillian spotted Thomas rise from his seat. She ignored him, not out of her on accord but because she was transfixed."
(Maybe instead of "spotted" you could say "saw" it seems to fit better. And I'm pretty sure the next sentence should say "not out on her own accord…")

"She glanced down to where Thomas held on to her arm in a death grip."
(Change to "…where Thomas had death gripped her arm.")

"“Ouch! What the hell, Gillian? Why did you do that?” asked Thomas."
(maybe say "Thomas exclaimed." asked seems too calm, unless you want it that way)

"Gillian’s temper flared."
(You have repeated this, find a new way to describe her anger)

"“You know who that man was, don’t you?"
(You are switching between tenses here, present = "know" and "didn't" and past = "was" change to: "You knew who that man was, didn't you." or "You know who that man is, don't you.")

***

"Niall was on his way to meet Thomas and Gillian when Drake appeared. Drake stepped out from the dark alley, blocking Niall."
(Change to: "Niall was on his way to meet Thomas and Gillian when Drake appeared, stepping out from the dark alley and blocking Niall's path")

"Niall tensed, getting ready for a fight."
(Drop "getting ready for a fight" maybe say "clenching his fists" or something along those lines)

"“As I said, what do you want?” said Niall nicely."
(change to: "repeated Niall nicely.")

"Drake rubbed his chin and leaned against the wall. “I want you to relay a message for me to Thomas.”"
(I'm pretty sure it is supposed to be: "I want you to relay a message to Thomas from* me.")

"Damnit, I shouldn’t be getting involved, but Thomas may be in danger."
(These thoughts are unnecessary, you are already showing your readers Nialls concern for Thomas when you say "inquired Niall in spite of himself.")

"“I have to get to Thomas and Gillian before he does.”"
(Add something else here, explaining Niall's fear for Gillian and Thomas, and maybe make this a thought since he is alone.)

***

"Thomas sat at the desk in the hotel room he shared with Gillian. He couldn’t stop glancing between her and his phone. He put on a façade for Gillian, but inside he was apprehensive. Thomas took this deal because he needed the money to pay back Drake. He had done business with him before, so Thomas knows how cruel Drake can be."
(I suggest heavily revising this paragraph, you are doing too much telling and not enough showing. Cut out excess information such as "… he shared with Gillian." and in the next sentence say "He couldn't stop glancing between Gillian and his phone." This shows the readers that Gillian is in the hotel room with him. I also don't think the word façade is working to your benefit here, even though you are using it correctly. Maybe instead say "While on the outside he was cool and collected, for Gillians sake, on the inside he was apprehensive." With the sentence after that put in past tense and keep it that way since you sort of jump between past and present tense, like so: "Thomas had taken this deal because he need the money to pay back Drake. Since he had done business with him in the past, Thomas knew how cruel Drake could be.")

"Not because her fathered ordered her to, but because she can’t let go of the past."
(Again: past and present tense in the same sentence! Change to: "Not because her father ordered her to, but because she couldn't let go of the past.")

"Thomas understood why she was angry, but he had a reason to betray her family as she so often accuses him of. Perhaps he had, but everyone else understands why except for her."
(Combine and change too: "Thomas understood why she was angry, but he had reason behind his betrayal which everyone but Gillian understood.")

"Thomas wasn’t sure why her father hasn’t just told her the truth."
(present tense again "hasn't" change to "hadn't")

"Just that thought triggered his buried memory."
(Change to "Just the* thought…")

"Two years ago, three armed robbers broke into Thomas’s rural house looking for money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted. His mother was the first to be shot. Thomas had just turned eighteen and was scared out of his mind, but once they killed his mother and threatened to kill his little sister, his first thoughts went to the Ryans, Gillian’s family, and all the money they owned and kept in a safe."
(This paragraph needs revising. The sentence "Two years ago, three armed robbers broke into Thomas’s rural house looking for money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted." is a run-on, and needs to be fixed. Again you are doing too much telling and not enough showing. Say something like "Two years ago three armed robbers broke into Thomas's rural house and demanded money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth, they shot his mother in the side of the head." Thats all that needs to be said. Also "…but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted." is too wordy and if you read it aloud I'm sure you can hear the repetition. In the next sentence say "When they threatened to kill his little sister his first thoughts went to the Ryans….")


"Thomas swallowed the knot in his throat and made his face go blank so he wouldn’t shed any tears. “A mile south from here.”"
("and made his face go blank so he wouldn't shed any tears" sounds weird. Maybe try, "and held the tears back, keeping his face blank.")


"“Please let him go inside with you. Please? They’ve already killed my mother because we couldn’t give them the amount of money they wanted.”"
(Personally, this isn't necessary, it makes the scene seem less believable, and plus your readers already know that the mother was killed.)

"He was lying on the floor of the living room in front of an empty safe."
("He was laying on the floor of the …")

"Thomas wanted to vomit, but instead he ran to the phone and called the police. Then he curled up in the kitchen and cried until the police arrived. He never revealed the identity of the thieves, but he told the story of what had happened. Gillian’s family understood, the police understood, but Gillian never forgave Thomas for getting her grandfather killed."
(Instead of saying "but instead" change to something else. Maybe end the sentence at "Thomas wanted to vomit. He ran to the phone…" Also the fact that he never revealed the identity of the thieves seems odd as I'm pretty sure police wouldn't let that fly. To make it more believable put more emphasis on it. Like for example "Though he told the police what had happened and he found he couldn't reveal the thieves identities for fear of his families safety.")

"Thomas, startled (blinked) away from his memory, had to blink away unshed tears."
(You can't "startled away" from something. Try something like this: "Thomas blinked away from the memory, and held back the unshed tears.")

"Thomas noted her jaw tense before she opened her mouth to protest. "
(Instead of saying "noted" say "saw")

***

"She stopped pacing and began wondering who it could be."
(change to: "She stopped pacing and stared at the door curiously.")

"But once she continued to pace, the knock sounded again. Harder this time."
(combine: "But once she continued to pace, the knock sounded again, harder this time.")

"She hit send and waited for the reply; hoped for a reply."
(No repetition needed, change to either "She hit send and waited, hoping and praying for a reply." or " She hit send and waited for a reply, hoping and praying.")

"Gillian felt ice pierce her heart. She went cold with fear, fear of the unknown man outside."
(combine and drop ending like so "Gillian felt ice pierce her heart and she went cold with the fear.")

“So, you signaled for Thomas, did you?” Her back was to the door, but the voice sounded so close, noy as muffled as it had when he was standing outside the door."
(it's not* not noy)

" Instead of answering, the man quickly grabbed her by the hair and spun her around so they both faced the door and the sound of running feet. He held a knife to her throat."
(change to: "… so they were nothing facing the door. They heard the sound of running feet from below. He held…")

***

"Thomas and Niall rushed up the steps in order to get to Gillian as fast as they could."
(drop ending: "Thomas and Niall rushed up the steps.")

"In the hall, panic rushed over Thomas when he saw it was empty."
(Change to: "When Thomas saw that the hall was empty, panic set in.")

"He wiped out any emotion on his face, so Drake wouldn’t be able to get a thrill out of seeing the panic on his face.
He elbowed Niall to do the same. Both knew how Drake functioned. He enjoyed watching negative emotions take over a person’s face."
(The first sentence has repetition "on his face" and sounds awkward when you read it aloud. By saying "he wiped out any emotion on his face" try rewriting to make it better. Like "He kept his face placid and unemotional." or something along those lines.)

"He forced himself to appear calm."
(You have repeated this sentence or something deadly close to it, earlier in your piece. Find a different way to say this.)

"Thomas tried to plead with Gillian through his eyes to understand."
(Change to: Thomas gave her a pleading look and willed her to understand.")

"Niall spoke to slowly."
(it's too* not to)

"Drake’s smile was vicious."
(You have used vicious already in describing Drake, find a more colourful way to describe his smile.)

"You owe my grandfather for trying saving your family’s life! You owe us for getting my grandfather killed!”"
(Change to: "You owe my grandfather for trying to save your families life! You owe us(who is us, isn't it only Gillian? If not say "You owe my family") for getting my grandfather (we already know who you are talking about so change to "for getting him") killed.")

"Thomas felt that Gillian wanted to argue, and call him names, but she began sobbing."
(Its odd that someone feels* that someone else wants to argue. Instead say: "Thomas knew that Gillian wanted to argue, and call him names, but instead she began sobbing.")

Thats all I have for the negative! I know it may seem like a little much, but now for my positive comments.
You have a gift with dialogue. The dialogue parts were the best in my opinion. I however would go through the beginning scene and make Gillian a little more kid like because I didn't get that sense through her words until later. Some scenes were crafted well particularly the one where Gillian is memorized by (Drake?) the man. My only question is why is she memorized by him? I would read this piece aloud and listen for any awkward sounding sentences. I apologize for any grammar mistakes I may have made in this. I hope you are not heavily offended by my comments. I only wish to help! Also I think you should continue this story so we readers can figure out what deal Thomas had made and why Drake had the knife to Gillian's throat. There are a lot of answered questions. I feel you should wrap them all up.
With love
Sarah

[Deanna Maestas]

Thank you so much! I've been dying for someone to give me a review like this. It helps a lot to know what I need to work on that way I can become a stronger writer.