This is my second writing piece for my creative writing class. The two main characters are supposed to be in conflict with each other.
Previous Version
This is a previous version of Yin and Yang.
Thunder
reverberated in the dark grey sky above. Dark clouds loomed over the city of
San Francisco. Rain fell mercilessly; pedestrians ran for cover as they
attempted to avoid being splashed from cars as they passed.
“If we go out
there we’ll be soaked,” complained Gillian. “I told you we should have waited
but you don’t listen, do you?”
She was staring
out the window from her seat at the little diner in the building next to their
hotel. Thomas was sitting across from her. He was staring intently at his
phone, willing it to ring. They were the only ones in the diner.
At her comment,
Thomas glanced up and narrowed his eyes. “You’re the one who invited yourself.
I never asked you to come,” replied Thomas. Gillian turned to glare at him.
Her forest
greens eyes flashed, illuminating her pale white face. Gillian’s auburn hair
was loose around her shoulders; a few wisps of curls were sticking to her face
from sweat. She was anxious and scared, but she wasn’t going to give Thomas the
chance to sense it. Instead she chose to express her anger at being mocked.
“Only because
you can’t be trusted,” Gillian retorted. Her arms were crossed over her chest. Thomas is mendacious
and cunning,
so you cannot let him out of your sights. Her father’s words danced across
her thoughts as she stared hard at Thomas. “I bet if I hadn’t come tonight, you
would have twisted the terms of the agreement with Niall.”
“Quit being so
temperamental,” Thomas said, his voice impassive. He was staring at his phone
again. Gillian was getting nervous and irritated with Thomas for fidgeting with
his phone.
“Quit being so
emotionally detached,” mimicked Gillian. “I’m just saying, you have a history
of being a conniving jerk, so don’t blame me for not trusting you.” She placed
her palms face down on the table and began tapping her fingers against the flat
surface.
Thomas sighed
and put his phone away. “And what are you? A flawless angel of complete equanimity?
You’re easily provoked. The volume of your rage is unpredictable, but it leaves
you vulnerable and erratic.
You waste all your energy being choleric;
you should probably get a hold on your anger.”
Gillian rolled
her eyes and fixed her gaze out the window to the grim, empty streets. “I
wouldn’t be so irritable if I didn’t have to work with you,” she mumbled under
her breath. A lone figure appeared in the empty street across from the diner.
Gillian glanced at Thomas. He had pulled out his phone again. Her temper flared
once more. “Will you put your damn phone away and look!”
Thomas’s eyes
gleamed from under his lashes. He seemed tense and annoyed as he looked at her,
but Gillian wasn’t paying attention to him. She was watching who she suspected
was Niall taking his time striding over to the diner. Thomas followed her gaze
to the man coming towards them. It had stopped raining outside, but smog
covered the ground. Gillian wasn’t entirely sure the man was Niall anymore. For
one, he was too tall. Almost as tall as Thomas, but the man was bulkier than he
was. Thomas was lean and quick, not muscular and slow.
Out of the
corner of her eye, Gillian spotted Thomas rise from his seat. She ignored him,
not out of her on accord but because she was transfixed. She couldn’t pull her
gaze away from the man. Thomas detected her unusual behavior and yanked her out
of the seat. He kept a strong grip on her arm as he pulled her towards the
door. Gillian, who would have normally been repelled by Thomas’s touch, allowed
him to guide her back towards the entrance of their hotel.
The man was
closing in on them. Gillian was still in a trance-like state. She attempted to
pull away from Thomas to walk towards the man, but Thomas yanked her towards
the lobby of their hotel. Once the man was out of sight, Gillian snapped out of
her reverie.
She glanced down
to where Thomas held on to her arm in a death grip. “What are you doing? Let me
go, you jerk!” She wrenched her arm out of his grip. Gillian brushed her right
hand over her arm. There is going to be a
bruise there, she thought.
That thought
triggered her anger. The next thing she knew, Gillian was punching Thomas as
hard as she could on his arm.
“Ouch! What the
hell, Gillian? Why did you do that?” asked Thomas. One look at her face and he
seemed to understand. “Hey, you were the one all mesmerized by that stranger.
And before you can argue, no it was not Niall. I don’t know who it was. Niall
was supposed to call me when he was near us.”
Gillian’s
forehead creased and she cocked her head to the side. Who could that be? Gillian studied Thomas for a moment. He was
thumbing his phone fervently and his expression was blank, but his eyes were
angry. Does he know that man?
Gillian’s temper
flared. “You know who that man was, don’t you? Were you planning on betraying
us again? What is wrong with you?!”
Gillian was
alarmed. When she saw the man approaching her and Thomas, it was as if she no
longer had a will of her own. She felt compelled to go towards the man, even
though her mind screamed at her not to.
“Will you let go
of the past? I am no longer the same person I used to be,” snapped Thomas.
“I’ve changed.”
Gillian rolled
her eyes. “Prove it. I am not going to believe you until I see proof.” She
began walking towards the elevators. “You’ve screwed us over once, so I
wouldn’t put it past you to do it again, especially if it will benefit you in
some way. You are greedy, Thomas. You always have been.”
Thomas clenched
his jaws before following Gillian to their hotel room.
***
Niall was on his
way to meet Thomas and Gillian when Drake appeared. Drake stepped out from the
dark alley, blocking Niall.
Niall tensed,
getting ready for a fight. “What do you want, Drake?” He spoke carefully. Niall
did not want to anger him.
“Can’t I drop in
for a friendly visit?” Drake asked innocently. Niall knew better. The last time
he had crossed paths with Drake, it had ended badly.
Niall glanced
around him. The streets were empty. Good,
he thought. I wouldn’t want anyone to
witness anything if the conversation with Drake goes dry. Things will
definitely get violent if Drake loses his temper.
“After all, you
and I are friends.” Drake’s smile was mischievous. The evil glint in his eyes
made Niall anxious.
“As I said, what
do you want?” said Niall nicely. He even added his own smile just for good
measure. “There is somewhere I must be. So make it quick.”
Drake rubbed his
chin and leaned against the wall. “I want you to relay a message for me to
Thomas.” Niall’s face remained neutral. “Tell him to come see me when he gets
the chance. There is urgent business we must take care of.”
“What business
do you have with Thomas?” inquired Niall in spite of himself. Damnit, I shouldn’t be getting involved, but
Thomas may be in danger.
Drake watched
Niall intently before responding. “Nothing you need to be concerned with.
Although,” Drake paused. “Come to think of it, it may be better for me to visit
Thomas myself. Though that girl he is with may present a problem. I’d prefer to
converse with Thomas alone, for the time being.” Niall’s eyes widened. He felt
a sudden urge to rush to his meeting with Gillian and Thomas.
Drake pushed
himself off of the wall and took a step away from Niall. “Until next time,
Niall. I will visit again, soon.” With one last malicious smile in Niall’s
direction, Drake left.
“I have to get
to Thomas and Gillian before he does.”
***
Thomas sat at
the desk in the hotel room he shared with Gillian. He couldn’t stop glancing
between her and his phone. He put on a façade for Gillian, but inside he was
apprehensive. Thomas took this deal because he needed the money to pay back
Drake. He had done business with him before, so Thomas knows how cruel Drake
can be.
And now Gillian
has been dragged into his mess. Not because her fathered ordered her to, but
because she can’t let go of the past. She had it in her head that even her
father hated him, but Gillian’s father had warned him in person that Gillian
was still angry about her grandfather.
Thomas
understood why she was angry, but he had a reason to betray her family as she
so often accuses him of. Perhaps he had, but everyone else understands why
except for her. Thomas wasn’t sure why her father hasn’t just told her the
truth.
Just that
thought triggered his buried memory.
Two
years ago, three armed robbers broke into Thomas’s rural house looking for
money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began
killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted. His
mother was the first to be shot. Thomas had just turned eighteen and was scared
out of his mind, but once they killed his mother and threatened to kill his
little sister, his first thoughts went to the Ryans, Gillian’s family, and all
the money they owned and kept in a safe.
And
so he spoke up. “I can get you the money. We don’t have as much as you want,
but I know who does,” he told the robbers in desperation.
They
all looked at one another then laughed and lifted him by his hair. “Take us to
the money, or we’ll make sure this little runt has a slow and painful death!
And if you don’t give us the money you promise, then we’ll make sure you watch
us cut her up piece by piece.”
Thomas
frantically nodded. “I’ll take you now! I’ll take you to the money, I promise.
Just leave them alone! Please, just leave her alone.”
The
robbers laughed again. “Alright, pip-squeak, get walking!” They pushed him
towards the door. “Rico, stay here and guard these little maggots. We’ll call
if this little s**t doesn’t pull through.” The man, Rico, smiled crookedly and
pointed the gun at his father’s head. “I’ll kill him the moment the phone
rings.”
The
robbers hid the guns once they were outside, but held on to Thomas’s arm in an
iron grip. “Where is this place, kid?”
Thomas
swallowed the knot in his throat and made his face go blank so he wouldn’t shed
any tears. “A mile south from here.”
The
two robbers shared a look of suspicion. “Are you trying to pull a fast one on
us because if you are "”
“No,
I’m not,” said Thomas sharply. “I’m taking you to my landlord’s. They own most
the property around here and rent a lot of houses out to some rich folks who
like to visit in the summer.”
The
robbers smirked. “Alright, then lead the way, pip-squeak.” The robber behind
Thomas shoved him, causing him to stumble and fall. “Get up!”
Thomas
clenched his teeth and led the way.
At
the Ryans’ house, Gillian’s grandfather had been sitting on the porch, smoking
a cigarette. “Hello, Thomas. How are "”When the old man saw the two robbers, he
stopped and stared wide-eyed at Thomas.
Thomas
lowered his eyes to the ground. “I’m sorry, Caleb, sir, but I need five
thousand dollars right now.”
Caleb
glanced between the two robbers with his old eyes and nodded. “I see,” he
responded. To the robbers he spoke coldly, “You’ll have to wait out here while
I go retrieve the money.”
At
this point, the robbers had pulled out their guns again. One pointed their gun
at Thomas’s head, the other at Caleb, who held his hands up. “How about I tag
along just to make sure the transaction goes smoothly?” The robber walked up to
Caleb and pointed his gun right at Caleb’s head.
“Yes,
you wouldn’t want him calling the police now would you, pip-squeak?” The robber
pressed his gun into the back of Thomas’s head. “Not when we have your dad and
little sister at home just waiting to be shot.”
Despite
his efforts not to show weakness in front of these two crooks, Thomas felt
tears spilling from his eyes at the thought of another one of his family
members dying. He lifted his tear-stained eyes up to Caleb. “Please let him go
inside with you. Please? They’ve already killed my mother because we couldn’t
give them the amount of money they wanted.”
Caleb
closed his eyes and shook his head. “How sad this is what the world has come to
nowadays.” The first robber still had his gun pointed at Caleb’s head, but he
looked him directly in the eyes, unafraid. “Alright, come in you poor b*****d.”
Caleb
led the man into the house. Thomas remained outside with the second robber.
“Too bad you didn’t bring us here before I killed your mother, eh, pip-squeak?”
Thomas clenched his teeth and remained silent. “If your pal in there is
tricking us, we’ll kill him, and then we’ll drag you back to your house so you
can watch the rest of your family die. And when we finish with them, we’ll beat
the crap out of you until you wish you were dead.”
A
gun shot sounded from inside. Thomas jumped and tears began to fall
mercilessly. His body trembled in fear of what was to come. The robber was
about to push him toward the house, but before he took a step the first robber
came rushing out laughing. He was holding a sack of money.
“Rob,
call Rico and tell him to meet us at the rendezvous,” shouted the first robber.
“Do we shoot the kid and his family?” asked the second robber. The first robber
stared at Thomas for a bit. He grinned. “Have Rico shoot his family,” said the
man before running away. The second robber pulled Thomas by the hair and put
the gun under his chin. “You rat on us, pip-squeak, and I’ll make sure you
regret it.” He let go and ran off after the first robber.
Thomas
ran inside to find Caleb. He was lying on the floor of the living room in front
of an empty safe. Blood was gushing from the bullet wound in his head. Thomas
wanted to vomit, but instead he ran to the phone and called the police. Then he
curled up in the kitchen and cried until the police arrived. He never revealed
the identity of the thieves, but he told the story of what had happened.
Gillian’s family understood, the police understood, but Gillian never forgave
Thomas for getting her grandfather killed.
“Thomas!” yelled
Gillian. She was waving her hands in front of his face. Thomas, startled away
from his memory, had to blink away unshed tears. “Your stupid phone is
ringing!” She backed away from him as if he had some sort of disease and sat on
the far edge of her bed to glare at him. “Well? Answer it, you nitwit!”
Thomas rolled
his eyes at her before he picked up his phone. “Hello?” asked Thomas once he
answered the call. “Niall, where are you?”
“I’m outside the
diner,” replied Niall. “Come out, but make sure Gillian stays inside. Drake is
on the loose, and if he shows up, it’ll be better if she isn’t around to see
him. He already sees her as a problem, and he is determined to see you.”
“Damn,” cursed
Thomas. He glanced at Gillian, who had her eyes narrowed. He pulled the phone
away from his face and spoke to Gillian. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.”
Thomas noted her jaw tense before she opened her mouth to protest. He cut her
off before she could speak. “I mean it, Gillian. It might get dangerous out
there, so stay put.”
He heard her
curse as he walked out the door. After the door shut behind him, Thomas heard a
thud and sighed. She’s not going to
listen to me, he thought. On his way down the stairs, Thomas noticed an
eerily familiar man about a couple of years older than him. He tossed the
thought to the back of his head, thinking it was just deja-vu.
***
Gillian cursed
and threw her shoe at the door as Thomas left. “Who the hell do you think you
are telling me what to do? I can handle myself, you-you conniving,
untrustworthy jerk!” Gillian was fuming. She began to pace back and forth,
trying to decide whether she should follow him or not, when she heard a knock
on the door.
She stopped
pacing and began wondering who it could be. Thomas had a key, so if he brought
Niall up here, he’d just open the door. Gillian took a deep breath and ignored
the knock, assuming it was a lost customer of the hotel venturing upon the
wrong room. But once she continued to pace, the knock sounded again. Harder
this time.
Then a voice,
deep and unnerving, said, “Open the door, little girl. I know you are in there,
considering I just saw Thomas walk out alone.” She heard a quiet chuckle. “What
silly thing for him to do, don’t you think? He sensed danger, yet he left you
all alone.”
Gillian froze.
How did this man know she was here with Thomas? She reached for her jacket on
the chair by the desk and hurriedly texted Thomas.
THOMAS!!!!
Who the hell did you tell we were here? There is a man outside the hotel door,
and he seems to know you! OMG, I knew you were going to betray us again!
She hit send and waited for the reply; hoped for a reply. She checked to make
sure her phone was on vibrate. An instant later
her phone was buzzing. She heard the man outside humming and tapping his foot
impatiently. The text read:
DO
NOT LET HIM IN! I’ll be right there!
Gillian felt ice
pierce her heart. She went cold with fear, fear of the unknown man outside. She
still didn’t trust Thomas, but his response left her shaken. She jumped when
she heard the man speak again.
“So, you
signaled for Thomas, did you?” Her back was to the door, but the voice sounded
so close, noy as muffled as it had when he was standing outside the door. She
turned around to face the strange man. “Bad idea. I wasn’t ready to speak with
him yet.I wanted you out of the way
first, but you just ruined my surprise.”
Gillian looked
past him to the closed door. “How did you get in?” she asked hesitantly.
Instead of answering, the man quickly grabbed her by the hair and spun her
around so they both faced the door and the sound of running feet. He held a
knife to her throat.
***
Thomas and Niall
rushed up the steps in order to get to Gillian as fast as they could. In the
hall, panic rushed over Thomas when he saw it was empty. He ran faster and when
he reached the hotel room, he hurriedly slid the key into the lock until the
green light signified it was okay to open the door.
What he saw made
him stagger back into Niall who pushed him back forward. Both of them froze in
terror. Drake held a knife to Gillian’s throat. A tiny trickle of blood slid
down her neck from a tiny cut made from the knife being pressed into her soft
skin.
Thomas clenched
his teeth. He wiped out any emotion on his face, so Drake wouldn’t be able to
get a thrill out of seeing the panic on his face. He elbowed Niall to do the
same. Both knew how Drake functioned. He enjoyed watching negative
emotions take over a person’s face.
“Let her go,
Drake,” said Thomas evenly. He forced himself to appear calm. “She has nothing
to do with us. I’ll send her home with Niall so we can talk like you wanted.”
He met Gillian’s eyes, which burned with hatred. Seems I just gave her another reason to hate me. But that aside, I need
to make sure she gets away safe, or her father would never forgive me. Thomas
tried to plead with Gillian through his eyes to understand.
Niall spoke to
slowly. “She isn’t a problem. I’ll reason with her, I’ll make sure she never
mentions you to anyone. Especially not her father, you know him don’t you?
Arnold Ryans? I’m sure the two of you used to be acquainted. And I don’t think
he’d like to hear that his only daughter got hurt by your hands.”
Drake’s smile
was vicious. “Ah, so this is sweet, sweet
young Gillian? Ryans only daughter?”
His head tilted back as he laughed, the knife pressed harder into Gillian’s
throat, sending another drip of blood to spill down her neck. Then he bent
close to Gillian’s ear. “Our fathers despise each other, yet these two boys
right here still do business with me.” Drake loosened the knife enough for her
to speak.
“I wonder
why that is, don’t you Thomas?” Gillian’s glare never faltered. “I knew you
were a conniving jerk, I knew it! Yet
father never believed me!”
Despite the
situation, Thomas sighed in frustration with Gillian. “I’m not tied to either
of your families Gillian, so I don’t see how that makes me a conniving jerk.”
Just as Thomas
predicted, Gillian’s anger got the best of her and she elbowed Drake hard in
the gut. He wasn’t expecting it, and the knife was far enough away from her
throat not to slice it open. Then she shoved him out of the way, and ran over
to Thomas and slapped him across the face as hard as she could.
He stumbled
backwards. Niall was already blocking Drake from reaching for Gillian again.
“You want to know how you are a conniving jerk. Well, it was because of you
that my grandfather was killed! I know what happened to your family, and I do
feel sorry for you, but after that day you acted as if you didn’t owe our
family! You owe my grandfather for trying saving your family’s life! You owe us
for getting my grandfather killed!”
Instead of
yelling back like he so wanted to do, Thomas grabbed Gillian around the waist
and pulled her out of the room, out of the hotel, and to their car where he
pushed her in and slammed the door.
He stomped over
to the driver’s side and started the car. As he drove off, he lost his temper.
“Shut up, Gillian. You don’t know what it is like living after your entire
family was murdered. I tried to save them from those robbers, but they conned
me into believing that once I gave them the money they would let me family go,
but they didn’t. Your grandfather tolerated them, he did what they asked, but
they still killed him and they left me to suffer alone. You have no idea what
it felt like to be in that situation!”
Thomas felt that
Gillian wanted to argue, and call him names, but she began sobbing. Sobbing for
her loss, and sobbing at the thought of what it would feel like to lose her
entire family in one day. Thomas ignored her and kept driving until he pulled
up into her driveway. Once she was out of the car, he pressed on the gas and
left her standing on the curb, still crying.
Hi nice to meet you. Your piece caught my eye so I thought I would review it! Be warned: I may come off as a little harsh as I am very thorough, but I try to be as constructive as possible, and my comments are for those who wish to know someone else’s true opinion and hopefully learn what they can do to improve their work and grow. It is what I look for in reviewers and I expect nothing less. You don’t have to take my word as gospel. I always start with the so-called negative comments. I hope this helps, truly. All my comments will be in brackets.
I’ll start sentence by sentence.
'Thunder reverberated in the dark grey sky above. Dark clouds loomed over the city of San Francisco. Rain fell mercilessly; pedestrians ran for cover as they attempted to avoid being splashed from cars as they passed.'
(Change to: "Thunder reverberated in the grey sky above. Dark clouds loomed over the city of San Francisco and rain fell mercilessly; pedestrians ran for cover as they attempted to avoid being splashed by the passing cars.")
"They were the only ones in the diner."
(Instead of putting more emphasis on your characters, put emphasis on the setting like so: "The rest of the diner was deserted.")
"At her comment, Thomas glanced up and narrowed his eyes. “You’re the one who invited yourself. I never asked you to come,” replied Thomas. Gillian turned to glare at him.
Her forest greens eyes flashed, illuminating her pale white face."
(This part doesn't need "replied Thomas" because in the sentence before you established that the focus is already on him, however if you want to keep it, change it too "he replied" Also when it says "Gillian turned to glare at him." and then "Her forest greens eyes flashed, illuminating her pale white face." maybe either combine both these thoughts into one since they are similar like so: "Gillian's forest green eyes flashed Thomas a disgusted (or some other adjective) glare, her pale white face illuminated under the fluorescent lights" or some thing along those lines or get rid of one)
"a few wisps of curls were sticking to her face from sweat. She was anxious and scared, but she wasn’t going to give Thomas the chance to sense it. Instead she chose to express her anger at being mocked."
(change to "A few wisps of curls stuck to the sweat on her face." change to "Though she was anxious and scared, she wasn't going to give Thomas the satisfaction of knowing so." also I suggest you drop the " at being mocked" so that it will look like so: "Instead she chose to express her anger."and place that piece of information somewhere else, maybe up above. Or you could add another sentence and say "She didn't like being mocked.")
"Her father’s words danced across her thoughts as she stared hard at Thomas."
(change to "…danced across her thoughts as she pierced Thomas with a hard look.")
"“Quit being so emotionally detached,” mimicked Gillian."
(is mimicked the right word for this, ask yourself what she is mimicking and make a decision as to whether you should keep that word or change it)
"For one, he was too tall. Almost as tall as Thomas, but the man was bulkier than he was."
(Combine: "For one, he was too tall, almost as tall as Thomas, and bulkier than he was.")
"Out of the corner of her eye, Gillian spotted Thomas rise from his seat. She ignored him, not out of her on accord but because she was transfixed."
(Maybe instead of "spotted" you could say "saw" it seems to fit better. And I'm pretty sure the next sentence should say "not out on her own accord…")
"She glanced down to where Thomas held on to her arm in a death grip."
(Change to "…where Thomas had death gripped her arm.")
"“Ouch! What the hell, Gillian? Why did you do that?” asked Thomas."
(maybe say "Thomas exclaimed." asked seems too calm, unless you want it that way)
"Gillian’s temper flared."
(You have repeated this, find a new way to describe her anger)
"“You know who that man was, don’t you?"
(You are switching between tenses here, present = "know" and "didn't" and past = "was" change to: "You knew who that man was, didn't you." or "You know who that man is, don't you.")
***
"Niall was on his way to meet Thomas and Gillian when Drake appeared. Drake stepped out from the dark alley, blocking Niall."
(Change to: "Niall was on his way to meet Thomas and Gillian when Drake appeared, stepping out from the dark alley and blocking Niall's path")
"Niall tensed, getting ready for a fight."
(Drop "getting ready for a fight" maybe say "clenching his fists" or something along those lines)
"“As I said, what do you want?” said Niall nicely."
(change to: "repeated Niall nicely.")
"Drake rubbed his chin and leaned against the wall. “I want you to relay a message for me to Thomas.”"
(I'm pretty sure it is supposed to be: "I want you to relay a message to Thomas from* me.")
"Damnit, I shouldn’t be getting involved, but Thomas may be in danger."
(These thoughts are unnecessary, you are already showing your readers Nialls concern for Thomas when you say "inquired Niall in spite of himself.")
"“I have to get to Thomas and Gillian before he does.”"
(Add something else here, explaining Niall's fear for Gillian and Thomas, and maybe make this a thought since he is alone.)
***
"Thomas sat at the desk in the hotel room he shared with Gillian. He couldn’t stop glancing between her and his phone. He put on a façade for Gillian, but inside he was apprehensive. Thomas took this deal because he needed the money to pay back Drake. He had done business with him before, so Thomas knows how cruel Drake can be."
(I suggest heavily revising this paragraph, you are doing too much telling and not enough showing. Cut out excess information such as "… he shared with Gillian." and in the next sentence say "He couldn't stop glancing between Gillian and his phone." This shows the readers that Gillian is in the hotel room with him. I also don't think the word façade is working to your benefit here, even though you are using it correctly. Maybe instead say "While on the outside he was cool and collected, for Gillians sake, on the inside he was apprehensive." With the sentence after that put in past tense and keep it that way since you sort of jump between past and present tense, like so: "Thomas had taken this deal because he need the money to pay back Drake. Since he had done business with him in the past, Thomas knew how cruel Drake could be.")
"Not because her fathered ordered her to, but because she can’t let go of the past."
(Again: past and present tense in the same sentence! Change to: "Not because her father ordered her to, but because she couldn't let go of the past.")
"Thomas understood why she was angry, but he had a reason to betray her family as she so often accuses him of. Perhaps he had, but everyone else understands why except for her."
(Combine and change too: "Thomas understood why she was angry, but he had reason behind his betrayal which everyone but Gillian understood.")
"Thomas wasn’t sure why her father hasn’t just told her the truth."
(present tense again "hasn't" change to "hadn't")
"Just that thought triggered his buried memory."
(Change to "Just the* thought…")
"Two years ago, three armed robbers broke into Thomas’s rural house looking for money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted. His mother was the first to be shot. Thomas had just turned eighteen and was scared out of his mind, but once they killed his mother and threatened to kill his little sister, his first thoughts went to the Ryans, Gillian’s family, and all the money they owned and kept in a safe."
(This paragraph needs revising. The sentence "Two years ago, three armed robbers broke into Thomas’s rural house looking for money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted." is a run-on, and needs to be fixed. Again you are doing too much telling and not enough showing. Say something like "Two years ago three armed robbers broke into Thomas's rural house and demanded money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth, they shot his mother in the side of the head." Thats all that needs to be said. Also "…but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted." is too wordy and if you read it aloud I'm sure you can hear the repetition. In the next sentence say "When they threatened to kill his little sister his first thoughts went to the Ryans….")
"Thomas swallowed the knot in his throat and made his face go blank so he wouldn’t shed any tears. “A mile south from here.”"
("and made his face go blank so he wouldn't shed any tears" sounds weird. Maybe try, "and held the tears back, keeping his face blank.")
"“Please let him go inside with you. Please? They’ve already killed my mother because we couldn’t give them the amount of money they wanted.”"
(Personally, this isn't necessary, it makes the scene seem less believable, and plus your readers already know that the mother was killed.)
"He was lying on the floor of the living room in front of an empty safe."
("He was laying on the floor of the …")
"Thomas wanted to vomit, but instead he ran to the phone and called the police. Then he curled up in the kitchen and cried until the police arrived. He never revealed the identity of the thieves, but he told the story of what had happened. Gillian’s family understood, the police understood, but Gillian never forgave Thomas for getting her grandfather killed."
(Instead of saying "but instead" change to something else. Maybe end the sentence at "Thomas wanted to vomit. He ran to the phone…" Also the fact that he never revealed the identity of the thieves seems odd as I'm pretty sure police wouldn't let that fly. To make it more believable put more emphasis on it. Like for example "Though he told the police what had happened and he found he couldn't reveal the thieves identities for fear of his families safety.")
"Thomas, startled (blinked) away from his memory, had to blink away unshed tears."
(You can't "startled away" from something. Try something like this: "Thomas blinked away from the memory, and held back the unshed tears.")
"Thomas noted her jaw tense before she opened her mouth to protest. "
(Instead of saying "noted" say "saw")
***
"She stopped pacing and began wondering who it could be."
(change to: "She stopped pacing and stared at the door curiously.")
"But once she continued to pace, the knock sounded again. Harder this time."
(combine: "But once she continued to pace, the knock sounded again, harder this time.")
"She hit send and waited for the reply; hoped for a reply."
(No repetition needed, change to either "She hit send and waited, hoping and praying for a reply." or " She hit send and waited for a reply, hoping and praying.")
"Gillian felt ice pierce her heart. She went cold with fear, fear of the unknown man outside."
(combine and drop ending like so "Gillian felt ice pierce her heart and she went cold with the fear.")
“So, you signaled for Thomas, did you?” Her back was to the door, but the voice sounded so close, noy as muffled as it had when he was standing outside the door."
(it's not* not noy)
" Instead of answering, the man quickly grabbed her by the hair and spun her around so they both faced the door and the sound of running feet. He held a knife to her throat."
(change to: "… so they were nothing facing the door. They heard the sound of running feet from below. He held…")
***
"Thomas and Niall rushed up the steps in order to get to Gillian as fast as they could."
(drop ending: "Thomas and Niall rushed up the steps.")
"In the hall, panic rushed over Thomas when he saw it was empty."
(Change to: "When Thomas saw that the hall was empty, panic set in.")
"He wiped out any emotion on his face, so Drake wouldn’t be able to get a thrill out of seeing the panic on his face.
He elbowed Niall to do the same. Both knew how Drake functioned. He enjoyed watching negative emotions take over a person’s face."
(The first sentence has repetition "on his face" and sounds awkward when you read it aloud. By saying "he wiped out any emotion on his face" try rewriting to make it better. Like "He kept his face placid and unemotional." or something along those lines.)
"He forced himself to appear calm."
(You have repeated this sentence or something deadly close to it, earlier in your piece. Find a different way to say this.)
"Thomas tried to plead with Gillian through his eyes to understand."
(Change to: Thomas gave her a pleading look and willed her to understand.")
"Niall spoke to slowly."
(it's too* not to)
"Drake’s smile was vicious."
(You have used vicious already in describing Drake, find a more colourful way to describe his smile.)
"You owe my grandfather for trying saving your family’s life! You owe us for getting my grandfather killed!”"
(Change to: "You owe my grandfather for trying to save your families life! You owe us(who is us, isn't it only Gillian? If not say "You owe my family") for getting my grandfather (we already know who you are talking about so change to "for getting him") killed.")
"Thomas felt that Gillian wanted to argue, and call him names, but she began sobbing."
(Its odd that someone feels* that someone else wants to argue. Instead say: "Thomas knew that Gillian wanted to argue, and call him names, but instead she began sobbing.")
Thats all I have for the negative! I know it may seem like a little much, but now for my positive comments.
You have a gift with dialogue. The dialogue parts were the best in my opinion. I however would go through the beginning scene and make Gillian a little more kid like because I didn't get that sense through her words until later. Some scenes were crafted well particularly the one where Gillian is memorized by (Drake?) the man. My only question is why is she memorized by him? I would read this piece aloud and listen for any awkward sounding sentences. I apologize for any grammar mistakes I may have made in this. I hope you are not heavily offended by my comments. I only wish to help! Also I think you should continue this story so we readers can figure out what deal Thomas had made and why Drake had the knife to Gillian's throat. There are a lot of answered questions. I feel you should wrap them all up.
With love
Sarah
Thank you so much! I've been dying for someone to give me a review like this. It helps a lot to know.. read moreThank you so much! I've been dying for someone to give me a review like this. It helps a lot to know what I need to work on that way I can become a stronger writer.
Hi nice to meet you. Your piece caught my eye so I thought I would review it! Be warned: I may come off as a little harsh as I am very thorough, but I try to be as constructive as possible, and my comments are for those who wish to know someone else’s true opinion and hopefully learn what they can do to improve their work and grow. It is what I look for in reviewers and I expect nothing less. You don’t have to take my word as gospel. I always start with the so-called negative comments. I hope this helps, truly. All my comments will be in brackets.
I’ll start sentence by sentence.
'Thunder reverberated in the dark grey sky above. Dark clouds loomed over the city of San Francisco. Rain fell mercilessly; pedestrians ran for cover as they attempted to avoid being splashed from cars as they passed.'
(Change to: "Thunder reverberated in the grey sky above. Dark clouds loomed over the city of San Francisco and rain fell mercilessly; pedestrians ran for cover as they attempted to avoid being splashed by the passing cars.")
"They were the only ones in the diner."
(Instead of putting more emphasis on your characters, put emphasis on the setting like so: "The rest of the diner was deserted.")
"At her comment, Thomas glanced up and narrowed his eyes. “You’re the one who invited yourself. I never asked you to come,” replied Thomas. Gillian turned to glare at him.
Her forest greens eyes flashed, illuminating her pale white face."
(This part doesn't need "replied Thomas" because in the sentence before you established that the focus is already on him, however if you want to keep it, change it too "he replied" Also when it says "Gillian turned to glare at him." and then "Her forest greens eyes flashed, illuminating her pale white face." maybe either combine both these thoughts into one since they are similar like so: "Gillian's forest green eyes flashed Thomas a disgusted (or some other adjective) glare, her pale white face illuminated under the fluorescent lights" or some thing along those lines or get rid of one)
"a few wisps of curls were sticking to her face from sweat. She was anxious and scared, but she wasn’t going to give Thomas the chance to sense it. Instead she chose to express her anger at being mocked."
(change to "A few wisps of curls stuck to the sweat on her face." change to "Though she was anxious and scared, she wasn't going to give Thomas the satisfaction of knowing so." also I suggest you drop the " at being mocked" so that it will look like so: "Instead she chose to express her anger."and place that piece of information somewhere else, maybe up above. Or you could add another sentence and say "She didn't like being mocked.")
"Her father’s words danced across her thoughts as she stared hard at Thomas."
(change to "…danced across her thoughts as she pierced Thomas with a hard look.")
"“Quit being so emotionally detached,” mimicked Gillian."
(is mimicked the right word for this, ask yourself what she is mimicking and make a decision as to whether you should keep that word or change it)
"For one, he was too tall. Almost as tall as Thomas, but the man was bulkier than he was."
(Combine: "For one, he was too tall, almost as tall as Thomas, and bulkier than he was.")
"Out of the corner of her eye, Gillian spotted Thomas rise from his seat. She ignored him, not out of her on accord but because she was transfixed."
(Maybe instead of "spotted" you could say "saw" it seems to fit better. And I'm pretty sure the next sentence should say "not out on her own accord…")
"She glanced down to where Thomas held on to her arm in a death grip."
(Change to "…where Thomas had death gripped her arm.")
"“Ouch! What the hell, Gillian? Why did you do that?” asked Thomas."
(maybe say "Thomas exclaimed." asked seems too calm, unless you want it that way)
"Gillian’s temper flared."
(You have repeated this, find a new way to describe her anger)
"“You know who that man was, don’t you?"
(You are switching between tenses here, present = "know" and "didn't" and past = "was" change to: "You knew who that man was, didn't you." or "You know who that man is, don't you.")
***
"Niall was on his way to meet Thomas and Gillian when Drake appeared. Drake stepped out from the dark alley, blocking Niall."
(Change to: "Niall was on his way to meet Thomas and Gillian when Drake appeared, stepping out from the dark alley and blocking Niall's path")
"Niall tensed, getting ready for a fight."
(Drop "getting ready for a fight" maybe say "clenching his fists" or something along those lines)
"“As I said, what do you want?” said Niall nicely."
(change to: "repeated Niall nicely.")
"Drake rubbed his chin and leaned against the wall. “I want you to relay a message for me to Thomas.”"
(I'm pretty sure it is supposed to be: "I want you to relay a message to Thomas from* me.")
"Damnit, I shouldn’t be getting involved, but Thomas may be in danger."
(These thoughts are unnecessary, you are already showing your readers Nialls concern for Thomas when you say "inquired Niall in spite of himself.")
"“I have to get to Thomas and Gillian before he does.”"
(Add something else here, explaining Niall's fear for Gillian and Thomas, and maybe make this a thought since he is alone.)
***
"Thomas sat at the desk in the hotel room he shared with Gillian. He couldn’t stop glancing between her and his phone. He put on a façade for Gillian, but inside he was apprehensive. Thomas took this deal because he needed the money to pay back Drake. He had done business with him before, so Thomas knows how cruel Drake can be."
(I suggest heavily revising this paragraph, you are doing too much telling and not enough showing. Cut out excess information such as "… he shared with Gillian." and in the next sentence say "He couldn't stop glancing between Gillian and his phone." This shows the readers that Gillian is in the hotel room with him. I also don't think the word façade is working to your benefit here, even though you are using it correctly. Maybe instead say "While on the outside he was cool and collected, for Gillians sake, on the inside he was apprehensive." With the sentence after that put in past tense and keep it that way since you sort of jump between past and present tense, like so: "Thomas had taken this deal because he need the money to pay back Drake. Since he had done business with him in the past, Thomas knew how cruel Drake could be.")
"Not because her fathered ordered her to, but because she can’t let go of the past."
(Again: past and present tense in the same sentence! Change to: "Not because her father ordered her to, but because she couldn't let go of the past.")
"Thomas understood why she was angry, but he had a reason to betray her family as she so often accuses him of. Perhaps he had, but everyone else understands why except for her."
(Combine and change too: "Thomas understood why she was angry, but he had reason behind his betrayal which everyone but Gillian understood.")
"Thomas wasn’t sure why her father hasn’t just told her the truth."
(present tense again "hasn't" change to "hadn't")
"Just that thought triggered his buried memory."
(Change to "Just the* thought…")
"Two years ago, three armed robbers broke into Thomas’s rural house looking for money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted. His mother was the first to be shot. Thomas had just turned eighteen and was scared out of his mind, but once they killed his mother and threatened to kill his little sister, his first thoughts went to the Ryans, Gillian’s family, and all the money they owned and kept in a safe."
(This paragraph needs revising. The sentence "Two years ago, three armed robbers broke into Thomas’s rural house looking for money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted." is a run-on, and needs to be fixed. Again you are doing too much telling and not enough showing. Say something like "Two years ago three armed robbers broke into Thomas's rural house and demanded money, but when his family could not give them anything of worth, they shot his mother in the side of the head." Thats all that needs to be said. Also "…but when his family could not give them anything of worth they began killing members of his family until someone gave them what they wanted." is too wordy and if you read it aloud I'm sure you can hear the repetition. In the next sentence say "When they threatened to kill his little sister his first thoughts went to the Ryans….")
"Thomas swallowed the knot in his throat and made his face go blank so he wouldn’t shed any tears. “A mile south from here.”"
("and made his face go blank so he wouldn't shed any tears" sounds weird. Maybe try, "and held the tears back, keeping his face blank.")
"“Please let him go inside with you. Please? They’ve already killed my mother because we couldn’t give them the amount of money they wanted.”"
(Personally, this isn't necessary, it makes the scene seem less believable, and plus your readers already know that the mother was killed.)
"He was lying on the floor of the living room in front of an empty safe."
("He was laying on the floor of the …")
"Thomas wanted to vomit, but instead he ran to the phone and called the police. Then he curled up in the kitchen and cried until the police arrived. He never revealed the identity of the thieves, but he told the story of what had happened. Gillian’s family understood, the police understood, but Gillian never forgave Thomas for getting her grandfather killed."
(Instead of saying "but instead" change to something else. Maybe end the sentence at "Thomas wanted to vomit. He ran to the phone…" Also the fact that he never revealed the identity of the thieves seems odd as I'm pretty sure police wouldn't let that fly. To make it more believable put more emphasis on it. Like for example "Though he told the police what had happened and he found he couldn't reveal the thieves identities for fear of his families safety.")
"Thomas, startled (blinked) away from his memory, had to blink away unshed tears."
(You can't "startled away" from something. Try something like this: "Thomas blinked away from the memory, and held back the unshed tears.")
"Thomas noted her jaw tense before she opened her mouth to protest. "
(Instead of saying "noted" say "saw")
***
"She stopped pacing and began wondering who it could be."
(change to: "She stopped pacing and stared at the door curiously.")
"But once she continued to pace, the knock sounded again. Harder this time."
(combine: "But once she continued to pace, the knock sounded again, harder this time.")
"She hit send and waited for the reply; hoped for a reply."
(No repetition needed, change to either "She hit send and waited, hoping and praying for a reply." or " She hit send and waited for a reply, hoping and praying.")
"Gillian felt ice pierce her heart. She went cold with fear, fear of the unknown man outside."
(combine and drop ending like so "Gillian felt ice pierce her heart and she went cold with the fear.")
“So, you signaled for Thomas, did you?” Her back was to the door, but the voice sounded so close, noy as muffled as it had when he was standing outside the door."
(it's not* not noy)
" Instead of answering, the man quickly grabbed her by the hair and spun her around so they both faced the door and the sound of running feet. He held a knife to her throat."
(change to: "… so they were nothing facing the door. They heard the sound of running feet from below. He held…")
***
"Thomas and Niall rushed up the steps in order to get to Gillian as fast as they could."
(drop ending: "Thomas and Niall rushed up the steps.")
"In the hall, panic rushed over Thomas when he saw it was empty."
(Change to: "When Thomas saw that the hall was empty, panic set in.")
"He wiped out any emotion on his face, so Drake wouldn’t be able to get a thrill out of seeing the panic on his face.
He elbowed Niall to do the same. Both knew how Drake functioned. He enjoyed watching negative emotions take over a person’s face."
(The first sentence has repetition "on his face" and sounds awkward when you read it aloud. By saying "he wiped out any emotion on his face" try rewriting to make it better. Like "He kept his face placid and unemotional." or something along those lines.)
"He forced himself to appear calm."
(You have repeated this sentence or something deadly close to it, earlier in your piece. Find a different way to say this.)
"Thomas tried to plead with Gillian through his eyes to understand."
(Change to: Thomas gave her a pleading look and willed her to understand.")
"Niall spoke to slowly."
(it's too* not to)
"Drake’s smile was vicious."
(You have used vicious already in describing Drake, find a more colourful way to describe his smile.)
"You owe my grandfather for trying saving your family’s life! You owe us for getting my grandfather killed!”"
(Change to: "You owe my grandfather for trying to save your families life! You owe us(who is us, isn't it only Gillian? If not say "You owe my family") for getting my grandfather (we already know who you are talking about so change to "for getting him") killed.")
"Thomas felt that Gillian wanted to argue, and call him names, but she began sobbing."
(Its odd that someone feels* that someone else wants to argue. Instead say: "Thomas knew that Gillian wanted to argue, and call him names, but instead she began sobbing.")
Thats all I have for the negative! I know it may seem like a little much, but now for my positive comments.
You have a gift with dialogue. The dialogue parts were the best in my opinion. I however would go through the beginning scene and make Gillian a little more kid like because I didn't get that sense through her words until later. Some scenes were crafted well particularly the one where Gillian is memorized by (Drake?) the man. My only question is why is she memorized by him? I would read this piece aloud and listen for any awkward sounding sentences. I apologize for any grammar mistakes I may have made in this. I hope you are not heavily offended by my comments. I only wish to help! Also I think you should continue this story so we readers can figure out what deal Thomas had made and why Drake had the knife to Gillian's throat. There are a lot of answered questions. I feel you should wrap them all up.
With love
Sarah
Thank you so much! I've been dying for someone to give me a review like this. It helps a lot to know.. read moreThank you so much! I've been dying for someone to give me a review like this. It helps a lot to know what I need to work on that way I can become a stronger writer.
I like to write fiction, and someday I want to write at least one biography. I'm not completely sure what some of my writing goes under as far as genres go. I'm more of a free writer and I don't reall.. more..