Twas' not a loss nor are you sorry

what makes me absolutely livid is following a death everybody says they are sorry or I am sorry for your loss, because first of all you are not sorry you won't stay up tonight or many nights moving forward thinking about them, you are essentially saying "Your grief is visible, so I wish you the best." Second of all they weren't lost like one loses an item. They didn't pass away, that'd be too easy. Somebody DIED they aren't with us anymore, not as they once were. All the memories may stay on the cold nights where I am alone with my thoughts, or they may fade with the gradual ease as those thoughts become more obsolete, but please do not tell me you are sorry because it is not a simple loss, it was the loss of memories, scents, feelings. How do you replenish the deficiency of a person, when they aren't alive?

Reviews

[T.M Stewart]

A very powerful piece! Very thought-provoking. I see it more of a poem or prose writing rather than a story however but it matters little. I don't know if you are looking for a review but I'll give you one, or, more of some feedback I guess.
The first line is, quite possibly, one of the longest lines I have seen in a story, (next to the last sentence/mini paragraph that is). It also lacks certain grammar that I think could really improve the way the piece is read. Consider "what makes me absolutely livid is following a death" for example, changing it to "what makes me absolutely livid is (that), following a death, " Adding such commas allows for better understanding otherwise it sounds like you a following a death, as in, trailing death. Very poetic in sense but not what you were aiming for I don't think.

Continuing on with the sentence, I will give what I think would help it sound more fluid. "following a death(,) everybody says they are (')sorry(') or (')I am sorry for your loss(')" You should end the sentence here. "because first of all you are not sorry" It makes no sense to use 'because' here. You have already stated that what makes you 'livid' is the fact people say they are sorry, and when you use 'because' it sounds like you are trying to explain it again when you want to explain why you hate them saying sorry. Starting the sentence excluding 'because' would make a lot more sense. Or if you want it to remain one sentence try using 'but' or 'when' "everybody says they are sorry or I am sorry for your loss, but first of all(,) you are not sorry" I also think you should start a new sentence after 'you are not sorry'. The rest is great but I also think ending the sentence at "those thoughts become more obsolete" and " it is not a simple loss" would do the piece good also, and would cut down the really really long sentence aha.

It's hard to critique this piece. It is marvellous in all its simplicities, while also discussing complex issues. Look it's probably unlikely you wanted this flash story to be critiqued but I thought you should know that it is great.

Also the title is such a nice sentence. Hard to explain really but it allows one to endugle in the fine arts of writing in such a lyrical way. Really wonderful. You could become a great writer, keeo at it.

[Bloggergirl29]

Thank you for all your feed back, I honestly wrote this piece in a very emotional state, so it isn't my best work. I nearly deleted it a few times, though I felt for that reason it needed to remain. I enjoyed reading your review and will certainly take into consideration all of what you addressed. Thank you so much for taking the time to thoroughly dissect my work, I really appreciate it.