The Well with Justin Wells: Episode 1 Pilot. Aka Titanic 2 (Sitcom)

Inspired by Toast of London. A down on his luck writer is tasked with coming up with a sequel to one of the most modern classic films of all time. (warning, NON PC Humor abundant)

 THE WELL WITH JUSTIN WELLS

       PILOT (AKA TITANIC 2)

 

By Daniel Rodriguez

 

EXT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

THE SOUNDS OF SEX AND MOANING ARE HEARD WITH LIGHTS FLICKERING.

 

INT. APARTMENT

JUSTIN WELLS is sitting on a couch, disassociated from the non visual sex on television. On the chair next to the couch is HAPPY HILLS who is watching, eating popcorn, in suspense.

 

HAPPY

The acting!

 

JUSTIN

(sarcasm)

Penthouse is the epitome of acting talent.

 

HAPPY

Playboy better watch out.

 

The voices from the television are getting louder and more frequent.

 

HAPPY

And would you not dare say that the writing talent alone...

 

JUSTIN

(more sarcasm)

Yes. Give that man the Oscar for best writer.

 

HAPPY

Would you rather watch the Playboy channel?

 

JUSTIN

I am more shocked that we have a female roommate and you are bold enough to watch this stuff.

 

HAPPY

No one has seen Linda for days. Isn't that right Mack?

 

Camera pans to MACK DeMack who is sitting on a third seat, intensely turned on, trying to maintain his cool.

 

MACK

I think she is in her room.

 

HAPPY

The story, the intensity! This is marvelous cinema! By the way Wells, when are you going to be paying me rent? And you to Mr. Demack?

 

MACK

Oh s**t! I am late for my tryout!

 

JUSTIN

But its ten pm!

 

HAPPY

You know, I am sure a writer of your talent could probably get a pretty penny for a script or two.

JUSTIN

The day I write articles for Penthouse is the day I reach the anus of being a writer.

 

A background beat starts to pick up. Like the beginning notes of a music video. The television sounds have ceased.

 

HAPPY

My dear freind. I seemed to have finished my movie grade popcorn. Would you mind popping by the convenient store and grabbing us an extra stash?

 

INT. APARTMENT HALL

The Beat to "All Day and Night" by Kid Cudi plays as the camera follows Justin in his journey.

 

Start the music video:

Justin starts singing and dancing his journey to the store.

 

JUSTIN

(singing)

All Day and Night, the lonely writer walks the street at night. He wonders why he woke up just to look at lights. All he is good for is to plagiarize...

 

EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

Justin looks how his life is limited to a grimy street in the city of Las Angeles. Justin's song has changed.

 

JUSTIN

(singing)

Every day i find myself fighting just to eat. Wondering where my life is taking me. Wondering what good my friends are for. Here I am alone, residing in something that is barely a home. At night the streets greet me...

 

A car runs past him honking.

 

JUSTIN

And yet I wonder is this is all that there is to be. I wonder, wonder, wonder, Why I cant get a piece of that Hollywood pie and if this street is just mine to lie, in this town fighting day to day, to keep the tax man away, my friends away, and if this is where I am destined to stay.

 

INT. CONVENIENT STORE

The song goes back to its main beat.

 

JUSTIN

(singing)

Day and night, the lonely writer walks the street at night. The highlight of his day this night is alright. Its such a shame he can't pay this night...

 

CONVENIENT STORE CLERK

You will pay!

 

Clerk takes out a gun.

 

JUSTIN

(Singing)

Alright alright alright. Ill be on my way if that's okay - goodnight goodnight goodnight.

 

Justin leaves as the song ends.

 

CONVENIENT STORE CLERK

Dick.

 

Intro credits.

Title card. TITANIC 2

 

INT. THE GALLY'S GALLEY - DAY

GALLY SHEET, the agent, is sitting on her beautiful chair in her fancy office. She wears her sunglasses in doors. She has two phones, one to her left for normal calls. And A red phone, there is a sticker that says DISNEY EXECS on it.

In front of her, Justin is sitting trying to look prim and proper.

 

JUSTIN

You don't feel that this is tasteless at all?

 

GALLY

Not at all. In fact its f*****g brilliant.

 

JUSTIN

Haven't there been enough sequels as is?

 

GALLY

I promise this is a great idea and it can get you on the map.

 

JUSTIN

I am already on the map.

 

GALLY

I'm sorry.

(takes out phone)

Google Maps. Find Justin Wells House, writer, Las Angeles.

 

JUSTIN

Oh Come on.

 

GOOGLE MAPS VOICE

Error, cannot find Justin Wells, Writer, on google maps. Did you mean to say Larry Rowe, Writer?

 

JUSTIN

F*****g Larry Rowe

 

GALLY

F**k's aside. Google knows who he is and can find him on a map.

 

JUSTIN

This is why I use Bing.

 

GALLY

Please, Bing is what happens when Lycos and AOL keep inbreeding. You know I represented the guy who wrote that Bing is better than Google commercial. Trust me, in no actually poll of people does Bing "win."

 

JUSTIN

How does it know who Larry is in the first place?

 

She takes out a paper list.

 

GALLY

Here is a list of all his produced plays and films he has worked on since last year.

 

JUSTIN

I had films made too.

 

GALLY

Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 0.

 

JUSTIN

I blame the producer.

 

GALLY

You crowd funded it yourself and raised a dollar.

 

JUSTIN

But I didn't direct it.

 

GALLY

No, we had to hire a porn producer to direct.

 

Cut to.

Movie scene. EXT. Street. Day

Fast and Furious knockoff. A BALD MAN, overweight, is driving in one car from the 90's. He pulls up to another car with a "YOUNG MAN", early 40's, wig to make himself look blonde.

 

BALD MAN

You ready?

 

YOUNG MAN

We need to stop them Russians from launching the nuke.

 

BALD MAN

They killed my brother.

 

YOUNG MAN

Let's ride. And Drift!

 

Porn music starts to play. Bald man inserts the keys into the ignition. He looks at the camera.

 

BALD MAN

That's right. Nice and slow.

 

Close up of him rubbing his fingers across the shaft of the...

back to.

 

INT. THE GALLY'S GALLEY - DAY

Justin Shudders.

 

GALLY

And speaking of porn. Penthouse is looking for writers for their Dear Penthouse segments. I think it would be a divine fit for you.

 

JUSTIN

I don't do porn.

 

GALLY

We all do porn. Just in different ways. Seth Rogan does his porn and three minutes after he is done he is working on his next film.

 

JUSTIN

What?

 

GALLY

So I take it Penthouse is a no?

 

JUSTIN

Its the anus of the writing industry.

 

GALLY

Language language.

 

JUSTIN

You just dropped an F Bomb not long ago.

 

GALLY

I am not going to play your word games. You have an English degree, I don't.

 

JUSTIN

Okay so...

 

GALLY

I mean I got a degree that was practical and now I make more money than you can even imagine. But by all means tell me how you and your degree makes you smarter than me.

 

JUSTIN

Can we move on?

 

GALLY

So, Titanic 2.

 

JUSTIN

I just don't see why making more money off of such a tragedy...

 

GALLY

They already have a merchandising team working. We have these action dolls of Jack and Rose. I heard they are even trying to make a boat that actually breaks in half when applied to cold water. All we need, is for you to write a working script, sex it up with some naked women, and have a sit down with James Cameron.

 

JUSTIN

Let me think about it.

 

GALLY

This could be your big break.

 

JUSTIN

You said that about the pro wrestling show.

 

GALLY

And how is that going?

JUSTIN

They have me writing for the women's locker room. Last week. Two minutes before the show...they all synchronized. I can still see them glaring at me.

 

GALLY

(not paying attention)

And how did that go?

 

JUSTIN

(reliving the horror)

The show was a blood bath. Men, women, children, and the roster were all screaming and crying.

 

GALLY

Well, I will tell James Cameron, that you will meet with him at the end of the week with a script.

 

Justin rises from his chair.

 

JUSTIN

I will get cracking.

 

GALLY

180 pages. He wants this to be epic.

 

JUSTIN

Sure...

 

GALLY

Make sure there is a needlessly naked woman in it. They promised someone prettier this time.

 

JUSTIN

Yeah...

 

GALLY

And remember to make it apealing enough that they can sell action figures. Hasboro is paying good money for exclusive rights.

 

Justin is near the door.

 

GALLY

And Wells...

 

JUSTIN

Yes?

 

GALLY

That was a no on Penthouse?

 

Justin leaves.

 

GALLY

Enjoy your period-ey wrestling women!

 

EXT. WAREHOUSE- NOON

A warehouse with the sounds of pro wrestling going on. On a billboard sign it says Girls Gon Wrasslin'!

 

INT. WAREHOUSE

Justin walks into a the main room. It is an area with empty chairs, a wannabe rich snob doing blow off a chair with his friend of questionable tastes. In the center is a wrestling ring with two girls talking inside.

Promoter is talking to his minions on the side of the ring.

 

PROMOTER

And that's when she grabs her by her left woo woo.

 

MINION

Top or bottom woo woo?

 

PROMOTER

Top of course. We need to keep this family friendly!

 

MINION

And you are sure that they will be okay with this?

 

PROMOTER

I am paying their checks right?

 

MINION

There has been talk in the back about the checks bouncing.

 

PROMOTER

(changing topic)

Justin Welles!

 

JUSTIN

Yes sir?

 

PROMOTER

So the girls are feeling a little anxious about their next show. I was thinking you treat a couple of them to a play or something. Teach them the arts.

 

JUSTIN

A play?

 

PROMOTER

Inject these b*****s with drama. Also we need to talk about the next event. I have big plans. I want something epic to happen. Something this town will talk about for days to come. Write me a good story to sell these morons.

 

JUSTIN

You don't have any idea what this is?

 

PROMOTER

Fans are idiots. Its why I hired you. You are a writer, come up with a story.

 

INT. LOCKER ROOM

Justin is sitting with a make shift laptop staring at a glaring blank screen.

He writes the words, "Murder Mystery?"

 

JUSTIN

Jack is floating, face down in the water, ice cold, like his love for his lost love. He has been in fact murdered. To find out what happens we must go back to story of the Titanic.

 

LADY PUMA

That sounds rubbish!

 

Justin flips his laptop down to reveal Lady Puma (Female masked pro wrestler)

 

JUSTIN

Its nothing!

 

LADY PUMA

Sounds like you are writing s****y fan fiction.

 

JUSTIN

Its not fan-fiction.

 

LADY PUMA

Well its s**t and you really want to pull Sunset Boulevard on a post millennial audience?

 

JUSTIN

Time travel?

 

Lady Puma stands staring at him.

There is a pause.

She slaps him.

 

JUSTIN

What the f**k?

 

LADY PUMA

And this is why i asked if we could get Larry Rowe to work a show. Time travel? F*****g really?

 

JUSTIN

People like time travel!

 

She slaps him again.

 

LADY PUMA

A decade of super hero movies only for time travel and multiverses all for bullshit and now you want to continue the trend!?

 

JUSTIN

How would you do...

 

LADY PUMA

If you are going to write a sequel to one of America's greatest film achievements you better do something original.

 

She grabs him and stares him down.

 

JUSTIN

I am trying...

 

LADY PUMA

Or I will kick your butt.

 

JUSTIN

(breaking down)

I didn't even like the original movie.

 

She raises her righteous hand of god for another slap.

He shirks into a ball. She lets him go and nods her head. She points to her eyes and then at him (I am watching you). She walks away.

He puts up his screen. He puts the words "Jack" on there.

 

EAGER BEAVER

(off screen)

Hey!

 

He slams it shut and looks at a smaller female pro wrestler with excessive face paint and personality.

 

JUSTIN

For God's sake, I am cutting the time machine!

 

EAGER BEAVER

They say they don't have any ideas for me. And I don't want them cutting me from the next show. Can you help me?

 

JUSTIN

The Eager Beaver, her friend, Timber Woods. You guys are bad guys.

 

She does a cute pose.

 

EAGER BEAVER

(happily saying her catchphrase)

I will eat your children!

 

Fades into.

INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Fantasy land of the hypothetical story-line. The place is packed with fans wanting more bloodshed.

 

JUSTIN

(VO)

First come the heroes, The Goode Squad. Led by Missy Goode,all that is right and just with the American system. Her partner, Sam the Man.

GOODE and SAM (a butch power-size woman) walk into the ring with cheers, confetti, and fanfare.

 

JUSTIN

They have been undefeated and loved by the audience. Then come the villains of our story.

 

EAGER BEAVER and TIMBER come out and pose. The audiance boos them.

 

JUSTIN

They are hated immediately. Lately they have been on a losing streak. Useless, forgotten. They should be booed. We boo them. They are rejects. They are failures. Who could love two women such as these?

They ham their way to the stage.

Eager Beaver and Timber talk strategy as Goode waves to the audiance.

Eager comes in only to be floored by Goode. The action seems one sided through a series of highlights.

Timber tags in. Sam hits Timber with a move. HARD! She is critically injured.

 

JUSTIN

Woods goes down. It is now two on one.

 

Eager Beaver taunts despite having a bloody lip.

 

JUSTIN

What proceeds is a massacre.

 

Constant unfair beating of the poor girl by the much bigger and confident Sam.

 

JUSTIN

After five minutes, Sam hits her finisher. The match should be over. But she is not finished.

 

More senseless violence as Eager is being thrown around the ring.

 

JUSTIN

She stopped fighting back.

 

Sam is enjoying the massacre. Goode watches from the ring corner almost in horror. The crowd has stopped cheering.

 

JUSTIN

This has gone on for another ten minutes. And then.

 

There is a pause. Eager is on her hands and knees. She is a bloody mess.

She leans towards Goode and extends her hand. Everyone is shocked.

 

JUSTIN

In a moment of desperation, she leans towards her rival and reaches out, asking for help.

 

The two share a look, in the background Sam is beginning to be boo'ed.

 

JUSTIN

She tags in. And in one moment, one good guy becomes the villain, and the bad guy becomes the hero.

 

Eager pulls herself up on the corner to stand while Sam is in shock that her friend, Goode is standing up to her, challenging her.

 

INT. BAR - NIGHT

The bartender is looking on in shame and disappointment.

 

BARTENDER

That sucks.

 

Justin rolls his eyes back, he is drunk now and wasn't expecting that response.

 

JUSTIN

It sucks?

 

BARTENDER

That's not how pro wrestling works. You can't have a person tag in their opponent. That is rubbish.

 

Justin looks beyond confused.

BARTENDER

(angry)

You made a bad story!

 

Justin looks like he wants to cry.

He looks to his right. There is a Hispanic drunkard. Who isn't listening.

 

JUSTIN

Your thoughts?

 

PATRON

Its s**t! Just like all those immigrants...

 

JUSTIN

But you are...

 

PATRON

I am allowed to self hate, aren't I!? Build a wall! Keep me out!

 

JUSTIN

Please give me what he is having.

 

BARTENDER

That would be drugs. I don't sell that.

 

JUSTIN

So now I made them happy, I need to find out my Titanic 2 angle.

 

BARTENDER

Why mess with a classic?

 

JUSTIN

Hear me out...Aliens...

 

Bartender slaps the s**t out of Justin.

 

JUSTIN

Why?

              

BARTENDER

I will not live in a world where we bring the ship back with the help of E f*****g T.

 

JUSTIN

How would you do it?

 

BARTENDER

Titanic 2. A bartenders story. We close in on a young man, waking up next to a sexy naked woman. His name, he doesnt need a name. His job, he serves the rich and powerful on the most beautiful cruise ship ever built. He has a story, he has a past he is running from. If he plays his cards right, on this voyage anything can happen.

 

PATRON

Now that is f*****g excellent. You! Your story is s**t Justin.

 

The door opens in the distance.

A FAN GIRL randomly pops up from the crowd of people not paying attention.

 

FAN GIRL

Oh my god its Larry Rowe!

 

GODZILLA's THEME SONG Hits! There he stands in all his glory. Larry Rowe, the kind of d****e-bag that wears shades at night. His head is low, a cheesy smile as he takes out his cigarette holds his breath, then lets the smoke exhale from his grin like it would a monster.

 

JUSTIN

F*****g Larry Rowe.

 

A NEEDLESS ONLOOKER walks up to Justin.

 

NEEDLESS ONLOOKER

Isn't that Larry Rowe the writer, director, and actor?

 

JUSTIN

Yes.

 

NEEDLESS ONLOOKER

And isn't he starring in a play that he wrote?

 

JUSTIN

Yes. Yes.

 

NEEDLESS ONLOOKER

And aren't you just a writer? Must make you feel pretty redundant.

 

Needless Onlooker disappears.

Larry takes off his glasses, and we cut to flashes of him mingling.

 

LARRY ROWE

Why yes, I am producing, starring, and directing a play I wrote.

 

Another flash with him holding a vintage pipe to make him look elegant.

 

LARRY ROWE

Why yes, It hasn't even premiered yet, and its getting rave reviews.

 

Justin's face is contorting.

 

LARRY ROWE

Its a mystery. Did the father kill his son, or did the son kill his father. There is a delightful twist at the end.

 

Flash to him surrounded by women.

 

LARRY ROWE

I can confirm that my bulge size is indeed six.

 

Justin has a murder face growing.

Larry turns to the camera.

 

LARRY ROWE

Mr. Welles, I am sorry, I didn't see you there. Haha.

 

The camera reveals that Larry was never even facing Justin but that they are sitting next to each other.

 

JUSTIN

I'm behind you.

 

Larry genuinely is surprised and readjusts himself for his taunting to continue.

 

LARRY ROWE

So I take you heard about my play?

 

JUSTIN

Yes. I heard about your play.

 

LARRY ROWE

And word around town is you are trying to write a sequel to Titanic.

 

JUSTIN

Yes I am.

 

LARRY ROWE

And word around town is you have writers block so bad that you are pulling over hobos to ask for story ideas.

 

JUSTIN

Where did you hear that?

 

LARRY ROWE

Here is an idea on me, free because we go way back, give up. God is doing this to punish you and you should be humble and realize you have no talent.

 

JUSTIN

I am sorry, but you said I had no talent? From the guy who has a picture of Ed Wood above his bed.

 

LARRY ROWE

Ed Wood is God!

 

JUSTIN

From the guy who pretended to be gay so he could market his play to get an LGBT audience. What was the play? I am Strait White Man and That's Okay?

 

LARRY ROWE

I am A! Strait White Man....

 

JUSTIN

Your big musical number was called, "Its funny because he is wearing a dress."

 

LARRY ROWE

It was meant as satire. You know, that thing intelligent people use for comedic effect. The crowd didn't appreciate it. They were not woke enough.

 

JUSTIN

So how goes this play?

 

LARRY ROWE

It will make you moisten the loins.

 

JUSTIN

My loins are fine.

 

LARRY ROWE

Whens the last time you got any?

 

JUSTIN

I don't need any.

 

LARRY ROWE

Half the cast.

 

JUSTIN

You me too'ed half your cast?

 

LARRY ROWE

If they said "me too" i am sure it was them high fiving their breif but epic sexual experiance that has no doubt changed their lives.

 

JUSTIN

You do know what Me Too is, right?

 

LARRY ROWE

Its an agreement. You say you like Dos Equis and I say Me too.

 

JUSTIN

Oh dear Jesus.

 

LARRY ROWE

Speaking of Dos Equis. Two por favor. One for me, myself, and I.

 

JUSTIN

I am not drunk enough for this. I can still count.

 

LARRY ROWE

I hear you working for a group of girls on a pro wrestling show. Heh, you know, next week, during your big show. My show is premiering at the theater next door.

 

JUSTIN

Coincidence. I wish your show luck.

 

LARRY ROWE

When the audience leaves your pathetic soap and wanders over, just know I will entertain them right for you. Heck, send your girls over, I will give them a night they will never forget.

 

JUSTIN

You sure about that?

 

LARRY ROWE

I am so sure that I just dumped all my savings to advertise my show to the high heavens. Everyone will be talking about it while they forget sad pathetic talent-less you.

 

Justin takes a shot of something strong.

We see from his vision as the world blurs. Larry walks away while Justin is left to drink his sorrows.

 

JUSTIN

Last name, Rowe...

 

INT. JAIL CELL - DAY

 

JUSTIN

(continued)

First name F*****g.

 

Justin is now in the drunk tank. There are a couple of people spread out in this sad cell.

 

JUSTIN

Oh dear Jesus what did I do?

 

Cut to.

 

INT. BAR -FLASHBACK

Justin has lifted a MIDGET (played by a real luchadore) over his head.

 

MIDGET

Put me down you freak!

 

JUSTIN

(massively drunk off his a*s)

I am going to teach you to fly!

 

MIDGET

Your going to hurt me!

 

JUSTIN

You will be my Peter Pan!

 

MIDGET

(starts to scream)

AGH!

 

JUSTIN

We go to Neverland! Ho!

 

Close up as Midget screams for his life.

 

INT. JAIL CELL - NOW

Justin winces at the memory.

He walks over. To his left a prisoner looks at him.

 

PRISONER

What did you do man?

 

JUSTIN

I think I tried to play fetch with a midget.

 

INT. BAR - THEN

Midget falls on the top of the bar.

 

INT. JAIL CELL - NOW

 

PRISONER

How did you get that black eye?

 

JUSTIN

(realizing he has been beaten up)

Black eye?

 

INT. BAR

Midget gets up instantly puts up a fighting pose.

 

JUSTIN

It looks serious. How cute.

 

The fire in his eyes burn with death.

The Midget jumps off and decks Justin to the floor.

Justin tries to get up only for the midget to baseball slide next to his face and then twists his body slamming his feet across Justin's chin.

 

INT. JAIL CELL - NOW

 

JUSTIN

Did I lose?

 

INT. BAR

Justin, Battered, is huddled in a ball while the midget gets up on a table. Poses for the audience. He jumps.

 

MIDGET

(yelling in anger)

AH!

 

JUSTIN

(screaming in terror)

AH!

 

INT. JAIL CELL - NOW

 

JUSTIN

Ah s**t I am going to be late for my meeting with James Cameron! F**k! I don't even have a script yet.

 

PRISONER 2

Hey man, you that guy that got in a fight with the midget right?

 

JUSTIN

Wait, you know about that?

 

The television on the left of the jail wall randomly pops on.

A seedy news show complete with cheesy intro of the two newscasters comes on the television.

 

NEWS SPOKESPERSON

And now your favorite show in the world. Matt And Kate.

 

MATT

(coming from the telivision)

Welcome to a post drunk rendition of Matt and Kate. I am Matt.

 

KATE

(from telivision)

And...

 

MATT

She is Kate.

 

Both Justin and TV Kate both take a second to realize the burn of her being cuckholded on live television.

 

KATE

And..

 

MATT

Our first story tonight. Midgets in wrestling? Is it exploitative, or a work of PR genius? You asked us? We have the answer. Last night...

 

The footage on camera shows the midget from the bar kicking Justin's butt all over the camera.

 

MIDGET

You want me to ride the pony?

 

Midget in the bar jumps on Justins back and starts slapping his a*s.

 

MIDGET

Ill show you how to ride... the f*****g pony.

 

JUSTIN

Dear God make "it" stop!

 

Justin in the video curls in a ball and...

 

JUSTIN

(in video, crying)

Mommy! Mommy!

 

CROWD IN VIDEO

MIDGET! MIDGET! MIDGET!

 

The midget shows his pro wrestling roots as it poses for the crowd and they eat it up.

 

KATE

This video was uploaded to the internet last night.

 

JUSTIN

Oh dear Jesus.

 

KATE

And has gone viral.

 

JUSTIN

No.

 

KATE

With over a million hits. Already.

 

MATT

That is correct. Poor Justin Welles, seen here in this sad mugshot.

 

A pathetic Mugshot of Justin pops up.

 

PRISONER

Hey that's you!

 

MATT

Is our bigot...

 

There is a sound of a donkey.

 

RANDOM TV VOICE

YOU JACKASS!

 

MATT

Of the week.

 

KATE

(as if speaking to Justin)

Why don't you go back to Germany with all the other rejects you a*s hole?

 

Justin just looks on in horror.

 

PRISONER

Dude, you are an a*****e.

 

JUSTIN

All I tried to do is see if I could make him fly!?

 

KATE

We worked hard. And now for a commercial break!

 

MATT

That's my line. And now. A break!

The camera in the television pans out as the actors clearly start squabbling.

 

MATT

(not as audible)

Why do you have to put me down on live television?

 

KATE

This show isn't about you.

MATT

(almost non audible)

B***h.

 

Commercial insert.

 

EXT. CHURCH

The "church" is actually a trendy urban theater building.

 

LARRY ROWE

(voice only)

Passion.

 

Two hands are holding

Larry Rowe is dressed horrifically in french aristocratic garb and make up.

 

LARRY ROWE

(posh)

I love you.

 

LARRY ROWE

(voice only)

Romance.

 

Larry Rowe puts his hand over his head as if he is feeling "emotional"

 

LARRY ROWE

(in character)

If you are going to romance me. Be gentle.

 

LARRY ROWE

(voice only)

A Larry Rowe production. Starring Larry Rowe.

 

Larry's character dramatically turns towards the camera and poses gracefully like an old Hollywood starlet.

 

LARRY ROWE

(voice only)

A Love Story.

 

Cheesy 70's pulp lettering comes on the screen with the title of the play super imposed.

 

LARRY ROWE

(voice only, fine print)

Written by Larry Rowe. All refunds are non existent. Hashtag sorry not sorry.

 

INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS

 

JUSTIN

He must have broke the bank for those previews.

 

PRISONER

You wont see that level of a budget in a Justin Welles Production.

 

JUSTIN

I am a writer, I don't have a production company.

 

PRISONER

Maybe if you stopped being so poor you could.

 

JUSTIN

Seriously what is this your business?

 

PRISONER

I am just saying...

 

The news comes back on.

 

TOM

And now back from our commercial break.

 

KATE

In a followup to our story. Local Midget and destroyer of Bigots like Justin Welles, "Midget"

 

Shows a Picture of the Midget

 

KATE

Has been signed an exclusive contract with the a local predominately womens wrestling show

 

Midget is shown at a press conference.

 

MIDGET

I am proud to announce that starting tonight I will be wrestling with Girls Gon Wrasslin' and will be headlining their recent events. You can see me starting on their next show.

 

Fans take pictures.

Justin in the jail cell looks shocked and mortified.

 

EXT. JAMES CAMERON STUDIOS - DAY

A magnificent building made of gold. A ground sweeper is doing tragic sweeping work while two upper class jockey boys ride by on their horses.

 

JOCKEY

And i said, 401k? I didn't know you were a peasant.

 

The two d****e laugh and ride along. The grounds keeper stops, touches the building.

 

GROUNDSKEEPER

(in awe)

Oooh.

 

He puts his head back down in submission and continues his way.

In massive letters ala David Fincher. "JAMES CAMERON STUDIOS"

 

A taxi rides up with Justin Welles who looks somehow even sadder than he did in the previous scene. The audience can almost smell the overnight sweat and body order. Justin took a prison bar of soap and does a quick dab under his armpit.

 

TAXI DRIVER

Looks like you got yourself a golden ticket. But be careful. You will have to walk on foot from here. I wish you luck.

 

Justin gets out of the cab. He looks up... in front of the building, the massive David Fincher letters are still in front of him on the building.

 

JUSTIN

F**k I am late...

 

A kid walks by with an "Alien" balloon like cheap merch one buys from disney land.

 

KID

Hey mom its that racist.

 

MOTHER

The word is "prejudice a*****e" honey. Midgets aren't a race.

 

KID

(pointing)

A*****e.

 

MOTHER

I love you, you are going to grow into a fine human being one day.

 

JUSTIN

I don't have time.

 

Justin does a quick inventory of his stuff. He pulls out a shabby looking briefcase with unkempt notes and papers inside.

As Justin runs in the building. New Fincher-esque words apear, "Justin Welles is 3 hours late."

 

INT. GUILLERMO DEL TORO'S OFFICE

The clock is ticking. Justin looks on in confusion.

The camera flashes to the gruffly bad a*s face of Ron mother-f*****g Pearl... "GUILLERMO DEL TORO". It says that's his name on the name card holder.

 

The movie exec looks like he wants to eat Justin alive. He has a massive poker face and you can almost hear "Clay's" deep voice wanting to come forth.

 

JUSTIN

So um...

 

"Guillermo" busts forth with a heavy fake Spanish accent and cheesy smile.

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

(as played by Ron Pearlman)

Yes. I love this script. So tell me how did you come up with it?

 

JUSTIN

I had a hang over.

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

And your use of toilet paper as printing paper, really helps sell the grit and realism of a second titanic movie. How did you find inspiration in coming up with such a dark ending.

 

JUSTIN

Everyone dies.

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

I know but...

 

JUSTIN

Literally no one is alive today who was on that f*****g boat.

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

And that is what makes it so good. But before we go forward. How would you describe the mood that the audience wants to feel?

 

JUSTIN

Despair.

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

Okay, yes yes.

 

JUSTIN

There is only despair. Its a boat. People die. Those who survive, die. We get a random b***h naked so we can make money off these dead people.

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

So yes. I love everything about this. Absolutely.

 

JUSTIN

So where is James Cameron?

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

He decided ultimately he needed to raise two billion dollars to increase the CG effects so he can work on Avatar 2. Apparently there are not enough ones and zeros going into his 16k camera that he wants to invent.

 

JUSTIN

Why can't we just use practical effects?

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

You are free to tell him that. But no one has seen him in three years.

 

Guillermo receives a text on his butt phone. He pulls out his phone.

 

JUSTIN

What is that?

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

He says to ask you if we can increase the chi chi count.

 

JUSTIN

No. Its perfectly plotted and perfectly paced.

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

He wont be happy to hear that.

 

JUSTIN

So he outsourced the job to you?

 

GUILLERMO DEL TORO

His non existent movie just takes up so much of his old man time. But I really look forward to working with you.            .

 

JUSTIN

Well I look forward to working with you.

 

Justin gets up to shake his hand. Guillermo puts a big fat cigar in his mouth instead and just bats an eyelash in confusion to Justin, extending his hand.

Justin realizes that he isn't going to shake hands with any big name producer/director on this day.

 

JUSTIN

(to himself)

And the despair continues.

 

RON PEARLMAN

Real quick before you go. Can you give a man some gas money? Paid parking is a b***h in this studio.

 

Justin double takes. He then leaves.

 

RON PEARLMAN

...mother f****r...

 

He blows out a puff of smoke on his cigar and closes his eyes. He laughs to himself briefly

 

INT. STUDIO WAITING ROOM

Justin can see the sun wanting to set.

 

RECEPTIONIST

Excuse me. Mr. Welles?

 

JUSTIN

Yes?

 

RECEPTIONIST

Just received word. The studio is halting production on Titanic 2. Mr. Cameron is wanting to shift all production staff to Aliens 7. We would like to thank you for your time an effort on trying to help.

 

JUSTIN

My check?

 

RECEPTIONIST

Considering the project was never actually green lit, there is no budget to give you a check from.

 

The opening to "Suicide is Painless" (the theme song from the film MASH) starts.

Justin looks out to the setting sun as the song continues.

MASH is playing on a telivision in the background.

 

INT. LOCKER ROOM - THAT NIGHT

Eager Beaver is staring at Justin, smiling at him.

 

EAGER BEAVER

So how did it go?

 

The music to "Suicide is Painless" continues to play, this time even more loudly.

 

JUSTIN

I went to jail, I had to pay a fine. I literally wrote a screenplay on toilet paper, and i had to pay for a taxi both ways for a movie that wont get made with a script that I didn't get paid to write. I literally lost money on this entire endeavor.

 

EAGER BEAVER

Well you can look at the bright side of things.

 

The chorus of the song hits loudly.

 

JUSTIN

For God's sake! can someone turn down the television!

 

CHEESY TV ANNOUNCER

Its the MASH marathon. All day, twenty four hours of the MASH movie. You will want to watch it again and again, and again.

 

The song continues.

Justin rolls his eyes.

 

PROMOTER

Holy s**t f**k. Did you see the crowd out there. You hire one short retard and the world goes crazy! JUSTIN!

 

JUSTIN

Yes?

 

PROMOTER

The woo-woos. Have you thought about it?

 

JUSTIN

I haven't had much time to think. I just wrote an 180 page script out of ply TP.

 

PROMOTER

So how are we ending the show?

JUSTIN

What do you mean?

PROMOTER

We got the hottest thing since sliced toast and f*****g whats his name is renting out a theater show next door. Trying to put us out of business. Larry whats-his-f**k.

 

JUSTIN

Larry Rowe.

 

PROMOTER

We must have touching woo-woos! It's the only way we beat out.. I mean have you seen those ads? He knows what the f**k is going on.

 

JUSTIN

No more talk of woo-woos. top or bottom.

 

PROMOTER

You have no ambition. You!

 

EAGER BEAVER

Yes?

 

PROMOTER

Thoughts?

 

EAGER BEAVER

(unsure)

"I will eat your children"?

 

PROMOTER

Sigh, these women are mindless.

 

JUSTIN

The show will write itself.

 

LADY PUMA

(to Justin)

If you so much mention me and woo-woo, I will kick your butt.

 

JUSTIN

The show ends with the new guy fighting Fatzilla. So just have the new guy win.

 

INT. THEATER - MOMENTS LATER

 

LARRY ROWE

Where are the people?

 

The audiance is empty. The Janitor walks by eating a candy bar.

 

JANITOR

Hey.

 

LARRY ROWE

What are you doing? We need to gett ready for the show.

 

JANITOR

What show?

 

LARRY ROWE

We are opening tonight!

 

JANITOR

(throwing the wrapper on the floor)

You are? Why? No one is coming.

 

Larry looks in shock at the Janitor dropping trash.

 

JANITOR

Someone should pick that up.

 

He walks away.

 

An ACTRESS in epic garb for the show runs by him.

 

LARRY ROWE

Where you going?

 

ACTRESS

They have a midget next door! Its the battle between height versus Fatzilla in all her glory! I aint missing that!

 

Larry, dumbfounded, watches as an entire random cast of costumed actors walk out.

Larry looks out and sees one person in the audience.

 

LARRY ROWE

The show must go on.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER

I am a critic for the paper. I'm just here to write about how badly this show is going to bomb.

 

LARRY ROWE

F**k my life.

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER

How much of your life savings did you waste in this s**t show anyways? The readers will want know.

 

INT. WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Girls Gon' Wrasslin is holding their show. The crowd seems to be in it. Girls in the ring are chest slapping each other.

 

PROMOTER

How we going to top this? I never seen this place so booked! Justin!

 

Justin looks up. He has a paper in his hand.

 

PROMOTER

What happens next?

 

JUSTIN

Um...

 

There is a loud sound.

The ref counts at the camera.

 

REF

1. 2. 3!

 

The crowd goes crazy.

 

PROMOTER

I am worried if we don't give them a fun twist, they will go on a spree.

 

JUSTIN

I really don't care anymore. Do you have my money?

 

PROMOTER

My banks loan bounced.

 

JUSTIN

Um...wait what?

 

PROMOTER

I'll have the check clear after the paycheck after next. It should be fine. Now, think about how we are going to close this show!

 

ANNOUNCER

And now ladies and gentlemen. THE MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!

 

The MIDGET comes out. Poses for the audience. And then walks to the ring.

 

ANNOUNCER

From the City of Angels, He is the Little Destroyer!

 

The Midget poses and then stares at Justin.

FLASH OF JUSTIN CURLED IN A BALL AT BAR

Justin gulps.

 

ANNOUNCER

And now. THE MAIN EVENTRESS! She is big, she is a monster. FATZILLA!

 

JUSTIN

Generic Big Girl Name....

 

PROMOTER

They love it.

 

FATZILLA (not that fat) comes to the ring. The shadow of the monster eclipses the male wrestler in the ring.

They get ready to start and the bell rings.

Nothing.

The crowd goes from intense to simmering. It dies down.

 

PROMOTER

Why aren't they fighting!?

 

JUSTIN

Something big. Dramatic needs to happen.

 

PROMOTER

Like what?

 

The door busts open and a light shines through with a figure in black shadow stands in the doorway.

 

LARRY ROWE

This show is over!

 

PROMOTER

Who the hell is this?

 

JUSTIN

Larry?

 

LARRY ROWE

F****n' Larry Rowe! You sons of b*****s ruined my opening night.

 

A wind blows and a news paper hits Larry's feet. He looks down. Headline says ROWE'S SHOW FLOPS! FEMALE WRESTLING HITS RAVE REVIEWS!

Larry walks to the ring.

 

LARRY ROWE

(to the Midget)

You ruined my life! I put everything I had. No. No. People don't want to see a viral star fight a full grown sumo b***h.

 

The crowd boos.

 

LARRY ROWE

Ok. The show will be starting soon. I need all of you to get out of here and go next door and give me your money.

 

Crowd boos.

 

LARRY ROWE

You owe me your hard earned money. Come on!

 

The crowd boos.

 

FATZILLA

Can I kill him now?

 

MIDGET

This is my moment. What are you doing?

 

LARRY ROWE

No one cares about you shorty!

 

Crowd Boos fiercely.

 

PROMOTER

(to Justin)

You are a genius!

 

Justin looks as if to say, "I AM?"

The Locker Room of Female Wrestlers come out.

The crowd cheers.

 

LARRY ROWE

No. Back off! This is my day! This is my show! You can't take this from me!

 

Fatzilla walks towards him.

 

LARRY ROWE

You stay back fatty. I don't want to catch your heart disease. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror.

Fatzilla just looks hurt.

The crowd boos harshly.

 

PROMOTER

(eating this up)

Did he just make her sympathetic?

 

JUSTIN

(to himself)

Only Larry...

 

Larry gets a whiff of something. A disturbance in the atmosphere of sorts. Larry locks eyes with Justin.

 

LARRY ROWE

And youuuuu.

 

JUSTIN

Eff Em Ell

 

LARRY ROWE

You had to get your a*s kicked to upstage me. Welles, You stopped my night, so I will return the favor. I aint moving. No. Not at all.

 

PROMOTER

And then?

 

JUSTIN

And then what?

 

MIDGET

Am I supposed to do something?

 

FATZILLA

Do I just stand here?

 

They start looking at Justin. The camera seems to center on him.

 

LADY PUMA

What are we supposed to do?

 

FATZILLA

Do I say something?

 

MIDGET

I feel like I need a line.

 

JUSTIN

I don't know what happens next.

 

LARRY ROWE

I aint budging.

 

The world goes silent.

Justin takes out a laptop. He walks to the ring and gets in. He gets a table placed in front of him and he sits down.

 

LARRY ROWE

(smirking)

What you going to do?

 

Justin looks down at his screen.

 

JUSTIN

(to Fatzilla)

Clothesline him.

 

LARRY ROWE

Huh?

 

Larry gets floored by the bulldozer that is her momentum as she runs him into the ground.

 

JUSTIN

Having their show disrupted the women rush the ring.

 

The girls storm the ring.

 

JUSTIN

A highlight reel as a series of random finisher and big moves as Larry Rowe begs for mercy.

 

A MONTAGE OF POWER MOVES BEING PREFORMED ON LARRY ROWE.

 

JUSTIN

You, do your diving splash.

 

The midget gets on top of the turnbuckle.

Larry looks up in the exact same way Justin looked in horror earlier. Midets lands and the audiance errupts.

Larry can't move as he is trying to regain his sense of self.

 

JUSTIN

Sit on his face.

 

Larry looks up. Fatzilla is on the ring corner and drops her entire body in sitting position as she lands on his head.

Larry's body goes limp.

The crowd is losing it completely. There is confetti and streamers. It is mayhem.

Music swells as the scene becomes surreal. The action is happening despite Justin's presence.

 

JUSTIN

(Singing)

This is where I am. I am here.

 

The crowd is full of blood lust in slow motion.

 

JUSTIN

I stand here this is where I exist. This where I am, I am here. A fake show with fake characters. Coming and going with their exits and entrances. But this is where I am, I am here. Another day spinning in a melodrama not staring me. Why am I here? Does anyone know the answer? But this is where I am, I am here. People are smiling and laughing yet no one sees me. Is this what I have to offer the world?

 

Larry is still under a massive butt, not moving.

 

LARRY ROWE

(muffling noises a decent size solo verse)

 

JUSTIN

(still singing)

How will I face my cost of living, and make it through the next day?

 

The world breaks apart as he is...

 

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

HAPPY

So do you have rent?

 

Justin walks into his bedroom. He looks up and there is Gally. She hands him a wad of cash.

They disapear like a stage scene change. As Justin is alone, with his laptop.

 

JUSTIN

(narrating his typing)

Dear Penthouse. I never thought this would happen to me.

 

Justin looks to the camera. Perhaps hopeful.

 

JUSTIN

But I am here.

 

 

 

End.

 

Author's Note

This was my first attempt at comedy. As such I apologize if any humor comes off wrong or offensive although I do enjoy some dark comedy. Please leave any feedback!