nothing left

see him and i talk alot,

"will things ever get better?"

"what do we need to do?"

but he doesnt seem to care if things are really going to get better or not,

he just says he wants me no matter what..

i love him there is no doubting that,

and i believe he loves me,

but even tho he denies it,

i think he loves some one else as well...

his other childs mom....

and thats what hurts so much,

knowing that he has my full devotion,

but i dont think i have his in return....

i dont know,

i have my daughter,

and she is my life,

but with out him

i feel like my heart is aching in my chest and going to explode...

and i feel that way every time he talks to or stares at another girl,

i feel as tho i have allowed myself to grow too

to attatched to him,

to in love,

to obsessed....

i feel as tho there is something wrong with me,

its like he has a spell over my soul,

a curse i cannot shake myself to break,

least i shall die!

i feel at a loss for everything,

i would give all but my kaylee for him,

and yet in my love and addiction to him

there is a burning hatred in my soul for him as well,

a hatred caused by the things i seemingly must endure

to have some pretense of happiness,

and for the fact that i have allowed this sence of need to develop...

i swore, due to growing in childhood loneliness,

that i would never need any one

 just me,

yet i have disgraced all i once held as my personal values,

and all for him...

i have patiently waited for things to get better,

to stop pretending

and actually let go and be happy,

but in almost two years

such a thing has yet to come into existence,

instead it seems that it will forever be an unattainable dream,

as is soaring the skies like an eagle!!!

i swear my heart has never known such as it does now,

not even in my painful, lonely growth and development from child to young adult.....

sorry i am rambling,

and venting my hearts dredfull sorrows...

wich leave me to feel

as though there is nothing left

in it to share with any other person

no matter how much i cared for them!

my heart is empty

drained of all it once contained,

and all for one person

paul wynn carr

 

 

_Dezie Mae

Reviews

[Charles]

Nice passionate appraisal of your status in relation to that of another - another whose one real love is probably himself. This too shall pass and you do have Kaylee. I have my own Kayley, a 3 year old grandaughter. wouldn't trade her for anything either. Keep writing with passion and things will look up.

[Jenny Nelson]

I whole-heartedly agree with Charles. The person this guy loves most is himself, and if I ever came across him I
would so have to restrain myself from "tearing him up one side and down the other." Sometimes, it's very unfortunate that our feelings don't always follow a logical pattern, and this is one of those unfortunate times, but I can understand where you're coming from. Keep on writing 'cause it always helps to vent, and if he's around, whatever... But I'd start building your own and your daughter's life together and let him keep up or just fall by the wayside. And who knows, maybe he'll come around if he realizes that you have a life aside from him... and you do have a life with or without him. Hang in there and enjoy your daughter. She'll grow up so fast it'll make your head spin. And you did do a really good job of expressing yourself here, by the way.