Till Death Do Us Part

Down on one knee I offer you this diamond ring
If you accept my offer I shall take you under my wing
Tears of my happiness fall as you utter out a yes
Now you are mine, I'll love you forever, forget the rest

I am now your servant, I will do anything for you
No one will change my love for you, I know it's true
they say it will never work, there just jealous of our love
They don't understand that you will always be my lonely dove

Days into months and months into years everything is going just fine
But all of a sudden you seem you don't even see me, are you blind
I have done so much for you but now you don't seem to care
Why do I continue to try, my anger begins to flare

I scream and show you a different side of your husband
You see now that you fucked up when you took that wedding band
A slap upon your cheek will set you straight, now praise me
This is how it is for you, clueless you were but know you see

I awake to a letter on your sleeping bag on the floor
You left me with nothing, I'm finding you, you stupid w***e
I see you walking out and grab  your arm, your not leaving yet
One shot is fired; to the floor I fall, slowly dying.

Dustin "Sexy P3nguin" Davis December 29, 2009

Reviews

[Melinda]

Amazing

[Tori]

Damn...I sure as hell wasn't expecting that. I thought it was going to be some sweet sort of thing, but boy was I wrong! Amazing, as I have said before. I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

[Sseoni]

Wow! I wasn't expecting the poem to end like that! It was truly a thrilling poem with a strong message to it. I really liked it and enjoyed reading it very much! :D

[MoonlitAngel]

The first stanza, I think it would flow better if there were a few commas here and there in the first three lines. You don't have to change it. Just a suggestion.

The line, "they say it will never work, there just jealous of our love," should have a capital in the beginning and there should be they're.

The line, "But all of a sudden you seem you don't even see me, are you blind," doesn't seem to flow correctly. Maybe you can reword it like, "But all of a sudden, it's like you don't even see me. Are you blind?" and if you keep it the way you have it, then make sure you put a question mark at the end, since it is a question.

The line, "Why do I continue to try, my anger begins to flare," could be, “Why do I continue to try? My anger begins to flare.”

This was very interesting, first starting out as a sweet poem about a caring husband that puts out all he can to make his wife happy, and then the husband demands for happiness in return, and ends up dead. Something happen to you as you were writing the poem, to make you all depressed or something? O.o lol. Otherwise, this is a very good poem, and I honestly do like the ending. Very nice twist. Amazing write.:)

--Blood

[Therene]

Scared me a bit. :D

I've seen a lot of domestic violence and this gave me another perspective. It's amazing how you did it. As though, you did it yourself. LOL.

Very smooth flow and transition of words.

Keep up the good job.

[Annabel Lee]

Damn. This is very intresting...shows a different side to domestic violence. Amazingly written as usual....:-) although I agree with mimi...liked it, yet didn't.

[Mimi]

I don't know what to say. I liked it, but I didn't at the same time. I liked the fact that the guy didn't want her to leave..but I didn't like that he killed himself over her leaving. All in all a very great piece you have written here. Wonderful job.