Chapter 1

All of the chapters will be told in Leigh's point of view. There may be one or two that will be in a different one, but now all of them will be in Leigh's :)

I can’t do it. I know I promised Janis that I would call him, but I can’t.

  I am sitting in my living room with the phone in my hand. Veronica is out with her family for lunch because her older sister, Chloe, is getting married.

  Veronica’s family is one of those ‘everything-has-to-be-perfect’ types. Since I had troubles in the past, they hate me and believe I’m not good enough to be talking to Veronica and Chloe. So they didn’t invite me.

  I slowly dial Conner’s number and hold the phone up to my ear. It starts ringing.

  Should I hang up? No, that would be stupid! I don’t want to seem annoying or like I am prank calling him like some dumb a*s tee-

  “Hello?” he answers roughly, like he just woke up.

  S**t!

  I don’t know what to say for a second, so I sit there with my mouth open stuttering on words like a total retard.

  “Leigh?” he asks, his voice soft and caring all of the sudden. “Leigh, is that you?”

  “Y-yes,” I say eventually. “Hi.”

  “Uh, hey,” he says awkwardly. “Why are you calling?”

  “I haven’t spoken to you in a while and I just thought I could give you a ring,” I say quickly. ‘Give you a ring’? Really, Leigh?!

  “Oh,” he says slowly and softly. “Uh, I’m sorry about the last time we talked.”

  “Yeah,” I say. “I am too.”

  “Okay,” Conner says. “So uh, Veronica told me you were uh…coming clean I guess.”

  “Yeah,” I tell him. I sound like a stoned teenager; “yeah man! I got soooo laid last night!”

  “I’m proud of you, Leigh,” he tells me. “I really am.”

  “Uhm…thanks,” I reply, not sure what else to say.

  “Do you maybe wanna hang out this weekend?” he asks. “We can go to Sneaky Dee’s or something.”

  My breath gets caught in my throat. “Yeah,” I say. “I would love to do that.”

  “Awesome,” Conner says. “So, I’ll pick you up at seven on Friday?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I reply, overcome with joy.

  “See you then,” he tells me.

  “Bye,” I say.

  When he says good-bye, I press the end button on the phone and squeal like a hyperactive teenage girl who just met Justin Bieber or some other teen heart throb sensation.

  After squealing for about a minute, I decide to go to the den and grab my cell phone, which is where I left it last.

  When your ex-boyfriend calls you and asks you out again, it is only fair to text your best friend.

  When I walk into den I notice the TV is on and turned to the news channel. Weird. I thought I turned it off.

  I plop down on the sofa right beside my cell phone. While I turn it on and begin to type down the message to Veronica, a pretty blond news reporter goes on the screen.

  “In other news, twenty year old Chris Zesers has escaped from a psychiatric hospital in Michigan yesterday at three o’clock. Police are on the search for Zesers, but so far there have been no sign of him. Zesers was in the hospital for reportedly killing two men outside of a gas station in Chicago with a knife. More on that story later, now to the weather with Charlie Businer,” the blond news reporter says from the television.

  “That’s weird,” I murmur to myself. “I never knew the news actually talked about cool stuff!” I grin to myself as I text Veronica.

Author's Note

Review please :)
(By the way, this is what I imagine Leigh would be wearing: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/profile?id=2535838)

Reviews

[Kiri Nells]

Very intriguing beginning here. This chapter makes it evident to the readers that a good plot is about to unfold before them. This is an obvious representation of your ability to create wonder in the audience's eyes.

Leigh seems to have personality in his thoughts and words, which is a very important factor to first person stories. Be sure to include a bit of yourself into the character for a more convincing write. Using the personality portrayed in his thoughts and words in the narration will help with this. Tell the story with the sarcasm just as the sarcasm in Leigh's thoughts.

Instead of:
"Her family didn’t invite me because they hate me, even though Chloe and Veronica are both my friends."
Try:
Her family didn't invite me, because I'm obviously too good for them- well- okay, they hate me. Don't think Chloe and Veronica aren't my friends, it's just their pain-in-the-a*s family that wants me dead, not them.

Adding more personality into the narration will make this piece go a long way from good to great.

Dialog here is near perfect. The conversations and afterthoughts are just as any real conversation would go. Keep focusing on conversation and personality throughout the story, because both are strong suits.

It might help the reader if you cleaned up the paragraphs. Make your indents bigger and maybe use a space between paragraphs. This makes the story look more professional and give a better first impression.

Something I notice right away is that some explanations or details may be unnecessary to the chapter or plot. Taking these things out will improve the flow and again, make it an easier read.

"I promised Janis, my therapist, that I would call Conner today, whom is my ex-boyfriend. I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. But she said that when I forgave myself, other people would too. But I guess therapists are supposed to say those kind of things to you."

Take this paragraph out! Don't use it! It makes the read choppy because it doesn't directly relate to the paragraph above it. Instead, include this information in the above paragraph by simply hinting.

I can't do it. I know I promised Dr. Janis that I would call him, but I can't.

This makes people assume that Janis is Leigh's therapist rather than going on about it.

The fact that Conner is Leigh's ex-boyfriend is mentioned later in the chapter. Keeping that the way it is without including it earlier in the chapter makes it seem like you're dropping the bomb on who this guy is. It's better for the organization and effect of the whole write.

Really great job though. Like I said before, this isn't meant to be a "bad review" but simply to help you in the future. Your writing is strong, but needs some more calcium :)

96/100

[Calypso]

I want to read more!

[Daydreamer54]

And she never ecxpected her friend would be mudered by this insane person! i wonder how he escaped...
PS- let me know when u posted the next chapter! ^^

[brenda]

lol and i am starting to get the plot in this story it sounds really intersting cant wait to read more !

[halflives]

Well done. I'm intrigued (again) with this story. It seems to be coming along very well. Good job.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very interesting beginning. I like the flow of this chapter. I like how she was content with the news of the killing escaping. Allow the reader to feel her craziness in her mind and thoughts. A excellent opening chapter.
Coyote

[Raven Starhawk]

I think this story has so much potential and that it is a pleasure to read again and again. You have excellent details weaving a perfect gem.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This was pretty cool. I like the direction this story is going in.
You put a lot of details into every corner to flesh out the main
character.

[ImagineItAll]

What age range is your targeted audience? That will affect the reviews that you get if you don't specify.

I like the idea that you have behind the story, it's a great concept that can go a lot of places. Another great thing about what you wrote is that there is an element of love and where that love is going to lead. You make the audience wonder what kind of a guy Connor is, and he peaks much interest. I also like how the story has the cryptic message about the main character 'coming clean'.

My only concern, and this is because I have a degree in psychology, is that people are not put into psychiatric hospitals because they murder someone. There is much more to it than that, so maybe if you clear that up a little-maybe say that he was mentally unable to be imprisoned in a jail due to an insanity defense that required him to be put into the psych hospital...or something along those lines. (Not really a criticism because how you wrote it doesn't take away from the scariness factor...but my psych side was screaming at me to share, haha). PLUS, bringing the word "insanity" into the story, or another psych term, may make it a little scarier! I know that the news reporter says that they will return to the story later, but I think mentioning the insanity defense into the headline will catch some more interest.

You have a great start to your story and I am excited to see where you go with it! (I apologize for the book-length response!)