So Far Gone

This was on the spot and not looked through just done and posted so leave your feedback!!!

I remember back then when we were open

We were so close and now we are unspoken

Now everything in my life is broken

This detachment from you so far is potent

I need you right now as my happy token

Those fond memories of you have awoken

I hate how everything ended,

That one night I wish I could repent it

I said I loved you and I meant it

Now you can't take me back and now my heart is finished

Thoughts and feelings from you are now diminished

That spot in our hearts will never be Replenished

So without you I might as well not breathe

I've been thinking and maybe This earth I should leave

Let suicide take me and together we fly away with ease

Author's Note

I finally found a title for this!!! Do you think it fits?

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

The Constructive Critics’ Poem Critique Checklist
http://www.writerscafe.org/groups/Constructive-Critics/11057/

What is your favorite part/line/stanza of the poem? Why?
---My favorite line is, “I’ve been thinking and maybe This earth I should leave. The capitalization of ‘This’ implies that there are other worlds, and that the narrator believes in reincarnation (maybe onto other worlds). This realization softens the suicide in the next line because the character isn’t giving in to despair but moving on to be with his love again.

What is your least favorite part/line/stanza of the poem? Why?
---My least favorite part was all the rhymes and almost rhymes. You wrote in the description that you wrote the poem on the spot and didn’t look through it. The rhymes are where that shows through the most. Open, potent, ended and ease were your ‘almost’ rhyming words. If all the other rhymes were so deliberate but the way the poem is set up the almost rhymes are like brick walls across the flow of words.

What does the Title of the Poem make you think about?
---That the author is still trying to come up with a title.

What is the subject of the poem? Is the subject clear?
---The subject is sadness and loneliness leading up to suicide over the death of a loved one.

What is the tone, or feeling you get from the poem? Does the tone fit with the subject matter?
---Depression and Regret. Yes, all of these feelings go with a poem about suicide.

Is the poem a comparison or analogy? How is the comparison appropriate? Is it inappropriate?
---No the poem is extremely straight forward.

Does the poem flow? Is it easy to read and understand, each part feeding to the next? If there are breaks in the flow do they serve a purpose? Does the author use short direct sentences or longer more involved ones? Does the sentence structure fit into the flow?
---No, the poem doesn’t really flow. Each line is a thought in and of itself and almost seems like they would rather be on their own that in poem form. I read the poem aloud several times and no matter what I tried, there is a sort of finality at the end of each line that physically made me take a beat between each one. If refined the rhyming may help pull the piece together, but it’s a little too haphazard to help as is.

How is the poem ordered? Are there stanzas? Definite shifts in subject or perspective? Is there a progression of some sort? Simple to complex; past to present, etc.? Is there a climax and is it effective or a letdown?
---It seems to me that the poem is ordered into a series lines that consist of individual thoughts. All the thoughts except the last three seem almost repetitive in their subject. It’s like the narrator is saying to me, ‘I regret’ over and over. I could glean a little bit of story from the lines. The narrator and the significant other broke it off on bad terms and then the significant other died and now the narrator is contemplating suicide. But with the length of the poem and sparse nature of the language it felt very dry. The climax comes at the third to last line when the narrator comes to the conclusion that suicide may be the answer.

What about the pattern/rhythm? Does the poem have a definite rhythmic pattern? Does it follow the pattern throughout? If it breaks the pattern, does that break add to the meaning or is it distracting?
---The pattern is rhythmic in that each line stands alone. This pattern creates a poem that feels to me to be disjointed.

Does the poem rhyme? Do the rhyming words actually rhyme (try saying them out loud one after the other to see if they feel right)? Is the rhyming consistent? If there is a break in the rhyme does it serve a clear purpose?
---The poem rhymes haphazardly. Some of the words don’t rhyme, though they look like they should and from their placement I think they were meant to rhyme. As far as I can tell the rhyming is pretty random.

Does the author effectively use other literary devices (alliteration, assonance, onomatopoeia, etc.)?
---I didn’t notice any of the devices mentioned in the question being used.

Does the author effectively use figurative language? Are there metaphors, similies, personifications, etc.? Are they appropriate? Do they add or distract?
---There wasn’t much figurative language in the poem.

Did the author use hyperbole, oxymoron, paradox? Was it used effectively?
---Saying that the ‘heart is finished’ and that the ‘spot in my heart and yours will never be replenished’ is a bit of effective hyperbole.

Did the author use repetition? Was purposeful or did it seem accidental? Did the repetition add to the poem or distract? Did the repetition fit into the flow of the poem or did it break up the flow?
---The repetition of feeling was used. Each line expressed regret and did effectively build upon each other to give me an overwhelming feeling of sorrow for the narrator, so that when the narrator contemplated suicide at the end I could understand.

What were the word choices the author made? Did they use short, easy words or big flowery language? Were the word choices appropriate for the subject and tone of the poem? Did the words chosen fit into the rhythm and flow? If not are there any other words that might fit better?
---All the language was short and easy to understand, almost to the point that I feel that the subject matter of the poem was not done justice. For me it seemed like the narrator was simply stating thoughts in the simplest terms possible as they popped into the his head.

What was your overall impression of the poem? Was anything confusing? What felt right? What felt wrong?
---Overall I just kind of mentally shrugged. There were definitely some beautiful moments, especially the last line, but mostly it almost felt like I was reading a laundry list.

List any errors in grammar, spelling, punctuation, style (point of view, sentence structure, tense, etc.) and/or continuity. (Be specific and include lines if possible):
---On the seventh line you used a comma at the end of the line, I feel like you need to either get rid of the comma or go through and put punctuation at the end of each line (since a comma or period can change the intent of a line you need to think carefully about what you want to place).
---On the second line ‘unspoken’ feels extremely weird to me, what are you trying to say?
---On the fourth line you need a comma between, ‘you’ and ‘so’
---On the twelfth line you capitalized ‘Replenished’, is there a specific reason?
---On the thirteenth line I would put commas after, ‘So’ and ‘you’. And breath should be breathe.
---On the fourteenth line I would put a comma after ‘thinking’. Also, lowercase ‘earth’ means dirt, uppercase ‘Earth’ means the planet, I think you intended to say the planet, ‘Earth’, is that correct?

In your opinion how could the author improve their (Title, Plot, Ending, Character, Setting, Voice, Style, Dialogue, Format, etc.)? (Be Specific)
---I think shortening the poem and fixing the rhymes would go a long way towards improving this poem. Maybe do four stanzas of three lines each, with each of the lines in each stanza rhyming. Maybe something like:
Fond Memories of you have awoken
I need you now, my happy token
Everything in my life is broken

That night, wish I could repent it
I said I loved you and I meant it
What I did, I now lament it

Now you won't take me back and my heart is finished
Those thoughts and feelings from you are now diminished
That spot in my heart and yours will never be replenished

So without you I might as well not breathe
I've been thinking and maybe This earth I should leave
Let suicide take my soul, together we fly away with ease

---This is just an example, and obviously needs more work, but I think this type of setup would keep the straight forward language and structure, but breaks it down into bite sized pieces and helps give the poem structure.

In the end, this poem doesn’t really speak to me personally, but it does communicate it’s message very clearly. As you look at this piece and do a rewrite I encourage you to ask yourself, “What am I trying to say?” and “Is this the best way to say it?” as long as both answers are yes, you’re on the right track! I hope this critique didn’t seem too harsh, I just wanted to give you an honest and thorough review. I’ve read some of your other work and I look forward to seeing what you do with the rewrite of this one!

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group
Using the Constructive Critic Poem Critique Checklist

Note: A printable copy of this Critique (that is easier to read) is available at:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/urr5hm3vsbkw8u0/Critique%20of%20Untitled%20by%20Jack%20Kennedy.docx

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are
absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I
think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better
writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my
opinions/advice!***

[Frontier]

"Now you can't take me back and now my heart is finished" - this hits hard

[Jennie Baron]

I so hope this is truly fiction. Are you truly all right? I can only trust so. But this is beautiful and poignant...

[Jack Kennedy]

I'm truly okay! I promise! Thanks for your review and concern I find it very touching that you would be concerned about me! Thanks again

[Jennie Baron]

By the way, I do like the title.

[Jennifer Henry]

From a literary perspective I thing this is pretty good. However. from a personal perspective I have to ask if you are doing ok? I know on the surface it's just words. but words can be very powerful. I hope all is well.

[Jack Kennedy]

I'm fine and if you wanna know a little secret *this and all the rest of my poems are fiction*
Except I'm Afraid that one was a honest poem about myself! (You can read that one as well)
Thanks for the concern I really appreciate that and the review!!! :)

[Jennifer Henry]

I have read "I'm Afraid". I'm glad to hear everything is good with you. Just so you know everything I have posted so far is fiction too.

[Jack Kennedy]

Thank you and that is interesting to hear!

[Ana B.]

woah, again tragically beautiful! but cheer up my friend, my best friend always says to me: when you'll meet the right one, you'll understand why it didn't work out with the rest .....great writing :D , just hope you'll stay in this world a little longer :)

[Jack Kennedy]

Thank You :) very much appreciative to hear from you!

[Ana B.]

Ure very welcome Jack :)

[lissalovesyou]

Wow, this is breathtakingly sad. It's a great poem!
lissalovesyou:)

[Woody]

always hard to lose a loved one, whether by choice or snatched by death. is suicide a good solution, I wonder?
sorrowful but a good poem. write on.

[C. Rose]

"my heart is finished" and "that spot in my heart" are my favorite lines in this in part for their simplicity.

I like how you (or at least I) do not realize the lover has already passed away until the last line (up until that point I assumed it was a break up).

Do you have any title ideas?
What is your rhyming pattern?

[Jack Kennedy]

I don't know about a rhyme pattern for this one I just wrote this and posted it. Thanks for the review

[Jack Kennedy]

And I haven't even thought of a title! Open to suggestions!

[Britt Nicole]

So moving. I can almost see the regret spluttering the words and wrenching out the guilt. (If this is even about regret. Lol. I'm not sure.)