Lost In Time

Lost In Time

For years I have thought about the whereabouts of my portrait, Lost in Time. A young man of about twenty, in a dapper suit and tie.

The sadness dawned upon me when I realised the goings on in my life and around me. Standing still and proper for a portrait which is going to look like me but not. Just one thing after the other; simple, pleasing and creative. People see me as they want to see me or the way I portray my personalities; assertive, confident with a smart appearance. But the true nature on the inside; I feel lost like my portrait and alone as if it was symbolic.

So lost, lost as any one person can be. I don’t even know where to start, who to tell or where I can find help. I am restless, on the edge but still satisfied. I am distracted, my heart is found wanting but yet the clash with my troubled mind proves to maintain my struggle. I cannot seem to find any words to express my feelings that I am experiencing so I stay the way I feel like I should be, expressionless.

I know I cannot do anything about it, maybe I can but it will take a lot of effort and courage but the result is an unlikely one. I do not know what to do. It is killing me to know that nothing is returned but I do not know officially if that is the case. I cannot help it if I feel this way. I have not felt this way. Ever.

What I feel now and whatever I felt then, is the same. It feels right, when I know that there are others who feel the same way. I do not like confrontation, I struggle and it is painful to know that I cannot always tell the truth to people that I have come to know and love.

I have been told just to be myself but in cases, that has determined other factors of my life and I cannot take it if things become out of order. I do sometimes create chaos, I cannot help it and sometimes I do not even care but one day there will come a time in my life where I will do the right thing.

I cannot stand here but I have to, I have to be patient; to wait and let things take toll. I have to stop this but I know in my head that I cannot distinguish this flame inside of me. It wants to burn bright for everyone to see but there can be two ways, two endings; it could burn brightly and be seen or it can burn, hurting the people involved and then it could diminish.

I want to prove that I can achieve in what I believe in and hopefully if things pull through then success it is. I know that seeing that one person, who you have intense emotions for, can make your heart beat faster, make your palms sweat and puts a smile on your face because that person is the one that makes you feel like you are up in the clouds.

That warm feeling inside of me, inside my heart and its burning me. My story is complicated in many different ways and I really do mean what I say. My life has always been going forward; taking life as it goes but now I am stuck in a rut. My love for this specific person is not only confusing but I am sure that the feelings are not returned and unrequited love hurts the most. I do not know what to do and that is what is killing me.

It all started when I began to study at my chosen education; it was not straight away as I did not know the person at the time and I am thankful it is not an unknown acquaintance. I was new and did not know my surroundings; there was a lot I had to learn and I hoped there would be no distractions. As usual my judgements are wrong; I got into a lot of mischief and became the talk of the town. I only found this out recently and as time goes on, I do not really care what people think because I do not have control of their opinions; their judgement is their own.

It all began when I came across an unknown feeling towards a friend of mine. A friend, who I had only known for a few months and I told myself if anything would happen then it would be a great thing, although I would much rather keep the friendship where it is at the now. It seems that every time I trust my judgement, the complete opposite happens and I end up in the most unbearable situations. If I can sort out those situations, which is usually most of the time, then that is great but this situation has me in complete and utter disbelief.

My friend, whose name shall be anonymous for many different reasons, is one of a kind. I am not ashamed to say that the feelings I have, are for a man. There I said it. My first thoughts when I met him were to be a bit cautious; he had a certain aura, a sort of light that made me feel that I should tread carefully. As I do, I decided to get to know him; many conversations and jokes went by and my thoughts of him before were gone.

This man had my attention and it was not going anywhere. This guy had my head spinning from day one but it was not always like that. As I got to know him it was interesting; he told me what he wants to achieve, what interests him and every day is a new opportunity to see him open up. We enjoy the same things such as playing the piano and same taste in music, beautiful classical music; Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky and many more.

We had many outings together; some with friends, some by ourselves but it does not matter who we are with, those feelings are always there and despite that we have as much fun as any two people can have. Although I wish for more but I do not know why, why this situation is affecting me so much; the yearning for this being, for his love in return when I do not want any attachments at this moment and neither does he.

Both in the same educational presence but being taught in different subjects; while I study in the arts, he studies the subject of law and enjoys to the extreme extent. His passion is amazing and without fail he manages to mesmerize people when he tells them his ideas and dreams.

Many weeks have gone past and still yet I have no idea why this feeling, this enchantment has gone on for this long and it is killing me. I want to understand, I want to know fully why something like this is happening and how it can. I am not one for attachments; many of my past relationships have been short and unfulfilling, I have too much stamina and I would not call myself fussy but I just like being on my own as much as anyone does. I do not think I can actually do the whole relationship idea, the attachment and I think that is what puts me off.

He and I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about attachments and the idea of them. He has been in the exact same predicament as me; getting hurt by a loved one and we have the same judgement of not getting attached to early in our youth. We sit, talk, laugh and drink to good times and yet that is when it all went….complicated.

It was one fateful night when someone up there answered my prayers in either a good way or bad way, I am not entirely sure. We had come back from an evening of drinking with a good group of us and we staggered back to our allotted household. We all said our good nights and headed in for the night. I was about to say goodnight to him with a clap of the back and one of my winning smiles when he spoke up. He asked me if I wanted to come in to drink some more and listen to some classical music; bringing up the topics of Chopin and Tchaikovsky. I swiftly agreed, thinking nothing out of the blue about it and we walked to his room.

He poured me a drink, something on the rocks; it was to my liking and I quite enjoyed the sharp taste which had a sincere kick to it. He poured himself a glass, put some Chopin on and sat opposite me on the armchair. The fire was burning brightly just like my heart, it was not heart burn for it was the intense stare he was giving me and in this state I do not think I could control myself but I had to. By the love of god, I had to because if I did not I surely would lose my marbles and unleash the hurricane that resides in me. I took another sip of the whiskey and sat it down on the side table; standing up and facing the fireplace away from his prying eyes.

Taking deep breaths, trying to control my heart from trying to burst out of my chest and I slowly closed my eyes; trying to rid the visions inside my head. I was about nearly calm when I heard movement, movement behind me; I did not dare open my eyes for I knew it was him behind me. There was no talking from him not a single word yet the next thing I knew, I felt his warm breath on the back of my neck; the hairs on the back of my neck springing up and giving me goose bumps.

I feel a firm but also moist touch on the back of my neck, I let out the breath that I forgotten that I had held in and surrendered under the caress of his touch. ‘A little word has reached me’ he whispered into my ear making me cautious that he has moved closer to me. ‘let me comfort you, let me fill your needs’ he whispered even more, already knowing what he was on about, I turned around facing the man who is seducing me. I asked him what he was doing but he put his finger to my mouth, silencing me; the fire reflecting and lighting up his sea blue eyes and glinting on that perfect smile!

It felt like the moment was going on forever until the moment his lips touch mine, it broke the spell; all my senses kicked into gear and I obey his every way , his every movement. That night was one of the best nights I have ever experienced and it was not an unforgettable one at that. It was perfect; sincere and I remember every highlight despite my drunken state. Never would I thought the despicable would occur; the very thing I was cautious of, the one reason I did not want to become too involved because of the hurt I would experience and of course it definitely happened. Like I said before; I did not want to become involved in that way as such because wrecking the friendship would curse the whole thing, knowingly yet I still continued to deceive myself into thinking it was the right thing to do and not stop myself because of it.

Now you see why I have such caution, no? Well of course I did not tell you the reason; the reason being that being the talk of the town, people finds out a lot and a lot meaning that they find out specific stuff and tend not to keep their silly little mouths shut! Oh the embarrassment of finding out everyone knew! That everyone was going to be talking about this and yet what makes matters worse is that he denies the whole thing. That whole night! He knows it happened, he talks to me about it; I mean we really should have talked it through afterwards and find out our worries.

But no everything fell through and here I am still yearning for the love of this man when now as of to this day which feels miles away from the incident; it has become unrequited. Stupid unrequited love burning a hole through my heart and head as if I do not have a lot of it already! I do not mean to be the talk of the town; this is why I have few close acquaintances because you never know who to trust.

Now I watch as a girl who I know; she is extremely pretty, smart, comes from money, a family business and is caring and sweet. Watching as she play fights with him, has secret jokes and spends a lot of time with him, I know it will not be long before she and him become closer and I know I regret not doing anything to resolve my unrequited love because I am scared of rejection and I do not think I would recover from such a hit. As much a s I love him I know he will not stop for me, for he is on his own path heading into greatness and fortune while I sustain in caring and learning arts.

Unrequited love can be anywhere and anyone can experience it. Happens anywhere at any time, it can be resolved and it can be unresolved for example; love can be lost, the person is too scared and other reasons can stop people from resolving it.

Now you see why my heart is twisted; why it is torn apart for the same happened many years ago and now I have to live gain through the pain. Although the pain will not extend into torture and bullying; I now know that since I have experienced this before, I can put this behind me it will take a while but I shall progress and become strong like I had done before.

This is my story of why I am so distressed looking in my portrait, I have seen it although it doesn’t look too bad, I do have to say I will always remember the meaning behind that look even when I am older hopefully moved on and living happily.

 

So now I will take it all in and think it through, although when I think it through it pains me but I have to get over it somehow. Just now this lost portrait is representing me and I respect that because at least I have something that indicates how I feel.