What love is to me

WHAT LOVE IS TO ME

To be a girl in love, well it has to be said that when you fall in love, it feels like nothing you’ve ever felt. All those movies and books with their romantic endings/ romantic entities, you think why that is projected like that; is it like that, does it appear like that?, all that lovey dovey cliché nonsense. You may be young, old or in-between and you may think you are in love but what is love, love is different to everyone.

That special bond, the little things that happen that put a smile on your face and the many years of knowing. What is speculated these days is the time when one can fall in love; the arguments, heated discussions and blabbered nonsense about no-one can be in love without knowing the person for at least a year. To me, it is completely untrue; I believe in love, I believe that love can happen anytime and anywhere.

Love is love. Anyone can love. ANYONE, Men can love women, men can love other men, women can love men and women can love other women. I do not see why love is verbally abused because of people’s opinions. Love is a carefree gift given to humanity to experience and enjoy. A lot of people believe in true love and I’m a sucker for true love myself.

Talking about me though, it’s a different story and a strange endearing one of that. Experiencing love for the first time was intense, crazy and made me completely and utterly speechless. Now before I go on I must say that for me, it is extremely hard for anyone to pass or break my walls down and no one has been able to get past them. I have had past relationships, they were nice but I have never felt like I have put myself into the relationship due to these invisible barriers.

In my life I have made a few mistakes and I do not regret them at all. Even if they have really bad endings and outcomes whatever happened, happened. It is not the outcome, it is the experience and I believe that is the start on a journey in finding what love about a person. Brilliant advice; write down what you like in a guy, their personality, their look etc. and fold it up and put it under your pillow or in your bedside drawer. Now this example is lead to believe that, writing down something on a piece of paper makes a person feel like it is now part of the universe since it is out of your head and on something materialised. This advice was given to me because I did not know what to do and I sought help where ever I could find it.

Finding help and advice when I am a girl in love is very hard. Friends, we are like a family so when we tell one person something then tell another person the exact same and there’s rumours and assumptions rolling about and they get back to me, I do not know what to do or believe. I pick my friends at best and chose the ones I will tell, carefully.  If people ask then I shall think of what to tell them, if I want to or not and hope for the best I have told the right person. To be honest I really do care about what goes around but on the other hand I really don’t. If people find out then that is fine they can think what they want and go on with their life, like I will mine. If people laugh at the fact I have fallen for a person I have only known for short amount of time then I cannot wait for when it’s their time. Seems harsh I know but I really would not laugh, I would congratulate them and smile, having the upper hand wherever I go.

Knowing a person for a short amount of time and falling in love with them is not a crime. Time has a speciality to it for example; for a person who is in a hurry, time seems to go faster and when a person is taking it easy, time seems to take its time. So when a person, like me, falls in love with someone in a short period of time which I don’t think it is and time seems slow. Well that means I wanted it to be slow, I wanted to enjoy what I am feeling and I do not care what anyone thinks.

I have never been the one to initiate a relationship because I have never had the feeling of wanting to other than accepting someone’s proposal. Now, there is this guy and it is strange. I have never felt this way and I want to initiate a relationship. The thing is, is that I am completely different to him and I know I should not degrade myself when it comes to things like this. He is beyond the person I would have never thought to pick and it is driving me crazy. Why has this happened, I have no idea but yes my story is one of first that has ever happened to me.

When I think I have feelings for someone and I have not realised it, it tends to hit me hard but then to think about this so called person has managed to sneakily break through my walls without me knowing. Finding out that happened was a shocker. I mean it is not impossible but it is me, I am talking about. This guy has managed to become my friend and my lover and yet I still have no idea what to do as it is all new to me.

When I first met him, I did not technically becomes friends straight away as his appearance struck me a little and I then thought maybe I should just lightly tiptoe around him. After a while and having many conversations with him, I found out that he was indeed not the person I thought he would be and I felt guilty for having the wrong impression. I did tell him this and he just brushed it off and smiled, explaining that he could come off a bit intimidating and I respected him for that, for opening up to me.

As the days went by, the conversations got longer, the things in common grew stronger and we became friends who just mucked about, laughing. It went on from there that time slowed down, making this short time seem like it was going on forever and I am quite glad it worked like that. I knew I had an attraction to him but I also knew that I was me and he was him and there is a slim chance anything would happen. So I told myself, if anything did happen then I was fine with that but then I thought, well maybe I would not because I would not want to ruin a great friendship and I should best leave things be.

Trust my judgement. In the complete opposite direction as it usually does. This guy, whom I have had an infatuation for, started smiling a lot more towards me and flirtatious moments were invoked, to be honest, I literally thought I was just seeing things but then we spent a night together and everything changed. Those couple of days I tried to think straight but yet I could not. I sought out help and found out that indeed I had more feelings for him than I thought I had. Struggling with this newfound information, I decide best that I would concentrate of the important tasks at hand and hopefully this infatuation would cease to be.

A week later, these feelings are still there in front of me, taunting me , knowing the full fact that this is no ordinary infatuation so I just start to process it as it is. Everything between then and now had gone on as normal, friendly chatter and joking sessions until a night where I was needed and the first night was repeated. There was more feeling and more intimacy than I expected as before this night there was a lot of flirtation and so I just went with it.

Knowing I was letting myself into this process of building up more emotions and attachment to this one guy. Knowing the fact if he finds someone else, that it will hurt me and my barriers will go straight back up again. As they did exactly the same as last time and I completely shut off. I got too involved in this matter and backing out is harder than I thought.

Yet it has been 2 weeks but yet it feels like a month. I have told the closest ones to me and who asked about rumours and assumptions. I mean it was hard hiding the fact me and him were involved and I do not really know what his thoughts are on this, I should really do my best and ask him. I think the reason I am prolonging this well needed conversation is because I do not want to hear what I do not want to hear. It is crazy I know but I know if it does not mean anything then I might just die a little and there is the fact that I might just want what he wants.

I will never know until I find out so until then I shall be the same old me and carry on. On that note, I have decided that being in love has its conflict so it is a great use for future references.

Knowing that I have decided to share this information, I know now that every time I think about my situation it feels a little bit unreal. Again on the other hand it also feels so right I cannot help but think what would happen if I did tell him? All those little things that make my heart go a little bit faster and those little things that make me smile like an idiot when I am anywhere, near or far. See I do not know if it is love or not because I for one have never felt like this before and I like it.

There will times where I will be like ‘what the hell am I doing?! What the hell am I thinking?’ Others that I know will question me on my feelings as well and I really do not know how to answer them, as I cannot do that for myself. It is really strange when I think about me and him together as a couple and not just lovers. Completely opposite but completely right, that’s what I think anyway, god shoot me down for dragging on and on. I love the fact I can be myself around him, making jokes and little conversations here and there. Muck about and be serious at points.

Love is a strange thing to me, I do believe in it but…strange. I am only young as well but then again past the teenage years, it seems more complicated or maybe that is just me. I have never sought out for love and this whole thing about if you stop looking and it will find you, is a bit to corny. For me when something like this happens, I tend to ignore it because not all of the feelings over the past have been true and ceased. Ask me how I came to liking this guy and I will shrug my shoulders, completely and always speechless when trying to explain this nonsense.

I know it is probably not nonsense and it could have a chance but thinking about it, there is not a lot I can do about distance when it pops up. I know I could but not for a long while yet and I do not want to hurt anyone especially not a guy as special as him.  His striking eyes that hold visions of memories that have passed. Perfect sense of humour always has had a way to make me laugh and a smile that frames his face. His modest yet caring personality always keeping me interested as his mind conjures up new subjects to talk about.

Like any guy, he has his flaws. Tiny bit over confident with slight cocky side but these are faded into microscopic nothings when his personality and mind are in action. I do not reflect on his flaws for they make him for who he is.

Know thinking about it, rumours and assumptions will stick around, they will be in the air and yeah maybe they will fade but not completely. I feel distressed about my past and the things I have just put past me. I do not want people to think of me in a bad way and yes maybe they will think, if I did not want them to think of me like that then why act like it. I am me, myself and I have no bother with rumours and assumptions as long as nobody is getting hurt. I am fine with building up barriers and walls. Ignoring rude comments and Chinese whispers. I have been through it before and I can do it again. From my experience, I am strong and there have been situations where I have been able to contain my thoughts and feelings until necessary.

What can I do? Nothing, people have free will to think, act and believe in whatever they want. I cannot for one stop this; all I need is good friends, advice and my family. If they think I am in wrong when it comes to my feelings towards this guy then that is their opinion and I am open to listen. If this is what love is doing to me, making me cowardly choose my options or hiding behind the transparent brick wall which I have created then so be it.

I want to live my life not in fear of what is to come of next and hopefully I shall get over everything that opposes me. Threats, rude comments, Chinese whispers and everything else in between can be an outline of something I do not have to listen to and I do not mind the conflict. I was born into conflict and born for conflict. I am stubborn and will always voice my opinion whether it is right or not.

Love makes you do crazy things, think insane nonsense and make you believe that anything can happen. I do truly believe in all of this, never mind what anybody else says and I will stick up for love of any kind. Love is magical and should be enveloped with open arms. Never to be afraid, of your past, the present and your future whatever will happen. Give me love over hate any day because love itself, certainly does make the world go round. Fabulous cliché nonsense.

Author's Note

please ignore grammar mistakes

Reviews

[Dan Hiland]

Wow! What a commentary on love- what it is and what it is not.

I got lost in your voice, this was so enjoyable and absorbing to read. In a way it sounds like a free write. In another it reads like an essay. Then again it can sound like a conversation you are having with the reader, or with a best friend over the phone. But behind the words is a recurring, wondering question/comment about the nature and meaning of love.

I believe this has the makings of a strong, solid essay about the nature of love. Having spent many years trying to find a wife, I learned the hard way that those who seek the fairytale, infatuation laced romance- the "cliché", as you call it at the beginning of your piece- are chasing something with little or no substance. My wife ended up being a composite of all the women I dated or admired.

As for the future of this piece, (and in my humble op), I think you should polish its format by cutting back on the examples of what is happening with your man, and adding some past experiences (maybe in episodic form) that have helped you form your opinions about love over the years. Essays are a powerful, complex form or writing, and the more I read them, the more they amaze me with their ability to communicate profound insight. And this is what you have started with this piece.

Thank you for sharing this look at love.

Dan H.

[ThisIsElle_huh]

Thank you so much Dan for your review.

This piece was actually meant to be a monologue for my end of term assignment but my tutor said it had no potential and told me to write another one (Lost in Time piece)

not many people guess what they are going to get back as a review so when i saw your review; i was really happy that i got positive feedback on it. For this piece, i got completely lost in it and i was quite intrigued with what i came up with.
i believe that everybody travels a journey before finding The One and i'm glad you found someone.

i do not have any attachments and i guess it was based on the guy i have these strong feelings for but i know now that maybe it is not for the best that i prolong these feelings.

thankyou for all the advice and your opinion.
and i really do hope you liked it.

Elle

[Dan Hiland]

I really did like the piece. Though your instructor said it had no potential, I have to disagree- from the standpoint of it being the basis for a lengthy musing/essay about what love is and is not. A lot of thought went into it, and it would be a shame for it to go in the mental dustbin.
Looking forward to reading some of your other work.
Enjoy the holidays- and keep writing.

[Laminators Dubai]

wow!
that was a great and grand read. im truly impressed by your style.

[Cosmic Rainbow]

I think you could easily turn it into a monologue!! I really liked it and also got an 'essay' feel from it too.Writing things like this always helps me to think, maybe you are the same. I totally believe in love, all the s**t can fade into nothing if you have love. I knew that I loved David within 5 minutes and 5 years later I still feel the same way. It is okay to feel what you are feeling, my advice would be to just go with it, be yourself and let whatever is gonna happen, happen. What's supposed to be will always turn out perfectly in the end. Being in love totally rocks mate : ) xx

[Scott Metro]

Analyze it...Criticize it...Dream about it...when it comes for you...you can't deny it.

Enjoyed the read.

Scott