back to the beginning

In the ancient days

we wandered through God's acres

nearer the sublime

than we ever imagined

 

your smile

was heaven to me

Reviews

[h d e rushin]

andrew zimmern on his show, "Bizarre Foods", always describes fresh water fish as tasting
of the waters and mud they came from. This poem feels like the Kentucky mud of grace
and residential, home-spun ingratiation of Gods purpose that it came from: to be human and
humble and to acknowledge the human and humble in others...

wonderful poem Ms/ Burns.. dana

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

this is like a photograph with shifting reflective surfaces of light~ heavenly~

[Phibby Venable]

this is wonderful, emily...moves beautifully.

[LJW]

Love should be expressed this simply. There is more profoundness (is that a word?) in fewer words and this is absolutely touching. Love it.

[Solst Rapture]

I wonder if we are ever far from such beginnings...

Gentle and much appreciated. Thank you.

[theludus]

i like what this poem is setting out to achieve emily, it's like a clean earth hymnal and i like how that religiousness transfers over to the relationship, the new relationship where all slates are clean. sometimes when i am visiting the kids i look at my wife / soon not to be my wife who is not looking at me, and i wonder how, when i think back to those beginnings, so you stir up some potent nostalgia with your wording. still, and this can come down to taste. i feel that often you are too you. that is not a crime, that is a good thing, but i feel the last two lines as they stand will chase away half of your audience and i feel this way because i think the poem is a blueprint of a poem that sets out its parts and then asks the ending lines to do two much work to bring the thing to life.

for me, the opposite happens, the last lines seem overly sweet, like a kiss from lips on my lips that i do not want to receive.

i think the problem is that the wording as it stands, separates both worlds but keeps them in past tense. whereas, i think the poem will be stronger when now and then are concurrently represented? receiving an equal weighting?

consider the differences here

In elder days
we wandered through God's acres
quite nearer the sublime
than we'd ever imagined

your smile then
something like heaven to me.

in this version, i believe there's something drawn from both worlds but it is more of mortality.

i believe you are writing with significant elements, and that is good, it is good that you are structuring to bring them in to play, to my mind you would leap forward in bounds if you turned your mind to those minute details.

that comes across as horrible: i do not intend to be horrible, these are the same considerations and choices that float about my poetry, john doe's poetry, all poetry.

hope that's useful, and lends momentum.

db

[Clockwork]

This reminds me of Adam and Eve before the forbidden fruit was found. Today, there are so many distractions which prevent us from knowing god. There are many more protocols, duties, and systems of dues than their used to be. So much so, we have lost the peace of an elegantly simple moment such as the one you describe in your closing couplet

[OT]

so simple, but so powerful!! great as always!!

[Markymark]

Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,
And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,
I will be brief.

Sometimes, not much needs to be said, and the full gist of the thought is expressed in a way a wordy piece of prose never could...

Great write Emily--

Mark

[Jibey]

It seemed so simple then...

[Tommy]

I love the simplicity of this piece which speaks to the very essence of the graceful tranquility of heaven or rather what I would perceive heaven to be like. It reminds me of my mother watching her infant grandchild. I have seen the smile that which brought heaven to her eyes.

Great Write!
RLG,
Tommy