I AM

I am who shall not be named

I have no mother, I have no father

I have no brother or sister

I live alone but with an aunt

For the people who say

They are my father and mother

Are nowhere to be found

 

They say I am too young to understand

That mummy just wants to make some money

Money to take care of me

But can’t she see?

I don’t need the money, I just want mummy

 

She’s overseas they say

She’s away in foreign

She doesn’t see how people look at me funny

Because let’s face it I have no mummy

I don’t want phone calls or video messages

I want the hugs and the kisses

And mummy telling me to my face

That I did good

That I’m special

I want mummy to be here

So I can see her smiles

And hear her laughs

And hold her and tell her I love her

I don’t want mummy in a place where I don’t know if she is safe

Where I don’t know when I will ever see her again

 

The day she left she told me loved me

That she will be back for me

That I won’t have to worry

Because she is taking care of me

My six year old mind cannot comprehend such a travesty

Such a tragedy as the leaving of my mummy

All it’s seeing is the tears my mummy shed

When she gave me my teddy and told me soon she will see me

 

Ten years later, I have not seen mummy

I have seen her money but I have not seen mummy

I have heard her stories and listened to her comedies

But never once since that day have I actually seen my mummy

I have not hugged her, I have not kissed her

She hasn’t held me while I cried when aunty died

She didn’t tell me it will be alright when I had to hide

So much she missed out on

Because she wanted to be abroad

To give me a life I never asked for

 

What did I do wrong?

Did I sing or cry too loud

Even at sixteen I still don’t get

Where she got the idea that leaving me was for my own good

Leaving me in a country filled with catastrophe

Leaving me to find friends who don’t care about me

But care enough to give me what she didn’t give me

The attention I seek, the love I crave

The companionship that let’s face it

Isn’t worth a damn thing

But who cares right?

I can do what I please, all I might

Just for spite

To give her a taste of what she left behind

To go to a foreign land

Never once thinking about the welfare of a child

Who had no one to hold her hand

No one to comfort her and reassure her

Because let’s face it, all I am

All I will ever be is a let down to my mummy

Why else will she leave me?

Why else will she never want to see me?

Why else would she not care what happens me?

Why else wouldn’t she want to see her grandbaby

 

I won’t be like my mummy

I won’t leave my baby to go search for something that has no guarantee

I want my baby to have the life that I never had

To have a life with a mummy there

To have a life free of waiting and wanting

Ad yearning and searching

And crying and trying

To be what I wanted to be for my absent mummy.