I Think I See Rejection, Thank You, RSD.

My struggle with rejection sensitive dysphoria, (RSD), and how it affects me and what it's like.

It's a pain so intense

It's indescribable,

Unstoppable,

Almost unfathomable.

I'm tired of this battle;

I'm tired of this war.

It constantly rages inside my skull,

it's screams of paranoia and pain deafening. 

I can't focus,

it doesn't make any sense,

but I know it does.

To me,

in my world,

this is how I see.

This is how I feel.

Tsunamis of emotion crash over me

in violent waves that sweep my mind of all logic.

I can not focus.

I can not do anything.

I am held captive by the voices and the feelings that trap me 

inside of myself.

I can not escape,

I can not cry for help,

I can not even speak.

I look into your eyes,

and I greet you with a smile.

You mumble a 'hi',

completely shattering my entire world.

All the logic and knowledge I have gathered over my years-

gone.

Nothing to protect me from the oncoming wave of salty tears

that threaten to spill.

My rib cage doesn't help

when the knife of perception stabs my heart.

It doesn't make sense-

it can't make sense!

But somehow, somewhere, 

inside of me I know that it does.

It's just a word, what's the harm?

The harm is 100+ attack damage.

I have no defenses ready for these sort of things.

I want to cry and ask you why you hate me.

You clearly hate me.

I mean... why would you mumble a 'hi'

instead of returning the energy that I gave to the greeting?

It's obviously a secret message that I have to decode.

And lucky for me, I have.

'dear friend of mine, I hate you, please go to hell.'

A single word can have a million undertones.

That's how I see the world.

That's how I'm wired.

I'm wired differently.

Normal people don't care.

Normal people don't see.

Normal people don't hear a million words

that have not been spoken,

yet have been perceived to be screamed in a single undertone.

A single glance.

A single twitch of someone's hands.

No one sees it like I do.

As an overthinker,

if I see something with blanks,

I fill them in for you.

If you don't give me an answer that will satisfy,

I come up with a different one.

I can't help it.

You hurt me.

You hurt me in a million microscopic ways 

that you could never even fathom;

you could never understand.

First comes the rainstorm of sadness,

then the fires of rage.

Next is the tornado of fear,

and finally,

the hurricane of all three.

My twisted mind likes to take something so very simple and harmless,

and turn it into an irrational, very scary story that has been intricately woven

into a plan for my doom.

My downfall.

I see things that aren't there.

Here things that don't exist.

Feel things that I shouldn't feel, things that make no sense.

A simple conversation turns into a trial where I am accused of being guilty.

A simple question turns into a secret plan to get rid of me, hurt me, use me.

Sympathy, empathy, curiosity, innocent concern, good sportsmanship, and love 

are all twisted and manipulated into something dark and horrible, 

full of hate and jealousy, anger and vengeance.

I don't know what's real and what's not.

I can't.

I don't know how to not see everything as a threat to me.

I don't know how to feel like I'm okay and I haven't done anything wrong.

I don't know how to stop pushing myself past the point of breaking,

just to please people and attempt to stop something that never started.

I don't know what to do anymore, and it scares me.

Reviews

[Emo_pansexual]

oh my gosh, im actually getting reviews

[Chris]

There is no "easy" comment to this one. The life's reality of telling equals the understanding of one's own mind and the framing of our own perceptions.

[J Clark]

i understand this in it's entirety. Somethings as simple as tone in a response can make you feel so broken. I hurt, like you do