The little girl and the wolf

the real, uncensored story of the little girl and the wolf

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived with her mother in a tiny little cottage. The cottage was at the edge of a village, which was at the edge of a forest. Her name was Amanda but everybody called her Little Blue Riding Dress, on account of the lovely frilly dress she was often seen in. 

Her father, named Sam Thingarotha, had died two years before she was born. He had fallen off a tree and broke his watch. While he was going to the shop to repair it, he was run over by the milkman’s horse-drawn cart. The watch was beyond repair. Lucky for Sam, his wife had another watch which she gave to him on his 34^th birthday. Later, that same year, he died peacefully in his sleep.

One day, on returning from school, the little girl found her mother decorating a chocolate cake.

“Oh, Mum!! Yummy!” squealed the girl with delight.

“Sorry, honey, this is for Granny”, said the mother, licking chocolate off her finger. “I’ll make you another one when you come back, I promise. Now, go change”.

Crestfallen, the girl went to her room and put on her blue dress. A knock was heard on the entrance door and Betty ran and opened it.

“MUUUUM”, she yelled, “the milkman’s here, will you pay him or shall I go out and play?”

Her mother came out of the kitchen, drying her hand on a towel.

“I’ll take care of that, honey, now you run along”.

She put the cake in a basket and cautioned her daughter:

“Now, remember darling, don’t waste time and don’t talk to the animals in the forest. Certainly not the wolf. He’s a sneaky creature and I don’t trust him one bit”.

“I know, Mum”, responded the girl, “how many times do you have to tell me that?”

“I’m sorry, Sugar, but I always worry whenever you cross that forest”.

“Mummy, it’s only a forest”, protested the girl, “and I’m almost 9”.

“Off with you!”, said the mother impatiently before she turned to the milkman. She gave him her best come-hither smile.

And off went the little girl, skipping as only little girls knew how. As Soon as she arrived at the forest, the birds greeted her and the butterflies flitted around her head and alighted on her shoulders. All the animals of the forest loved her as she was nice to them. Badgers, squirrels, skunks and even snakes liked to talk to her and play with her. Someone whistle and she turned around. A wolf was leaning against the trunk of a pine tree, filing his nails, a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.

“So, where’s the cute little girl going, then?” he said with a lopsided grin.

“what’s it to you?” retorted the girl.

“Oh, come now, I asked you nicely. I’m only trying to make conversation”, he said, feigning to be hurt.

“I’m taking a cake to Grandma”, she replied and carried on walking.

“And where does your Grandma live, might one ask?” he said, trailing her.

“By the big sequoia, near the old water tower”, she answered without looking at him.

Seeming to suddenly lose interest, the wolf told her:

“Well have fun with Grandma” and slunk away. He knew the forest inside out, so he took a short cut, crossed a brook and ran all the way to the old lady’s cottage. Wolves can run fast when they are in a hurry.

The encounter with the wolf messed up the girl’s mood. She lost interest in the games with the animals and hurried to her Grandma’s. When she arrived, she saw that the door stood ajar, so she pushed it with her pudgy little fingers and, stepping inside, she called out:

“Granny! It’s me. I brought you a ca..”

In her Grandma’s bed, a wolf was sitting in a night gown, thick glasses perched on his nose and a night cap on his head.

Now even in a nightgown and a cap, a wolf does not look anymore like your grandmother than Simba looks like Beyonce.

In a flash, the girl dipped her hand in her pocket and whipped out a Smith & Wesson 2213, which she pointed at the head of the interloper with a steady hand. The wolf’s jaw sagged and his fangs didn’t look threatening anymore..

“Heeey”, he said, alarmed, “that’s not how the story goes! You’re supposed to ask m..”

“Yeah, I’ve read the story, too, Moron”, she answered and shot him between the eyes. When the noise of the detonation died down, she heard muffled sounds coming from the closet. She ran and jerked the door open. She found her grandma on the floor, hogtied and gagged. She was only wearing a beige brassiere. The girl untied her, dressed her and took her to the kitchen. She made some tea, cut the cake and they sat there eating the cake, sipping the tea and talking. The kitchen window was open and the breeze carried their laughter well into the forest.

“Come on, Cutie-Pie”, said the old lady after a moment, “let’s get that thing outa my bed”.

Amanda took hold of the hind legs and her grandma grabbed the forepaws and they half carried, half dragged the dead beast out. They went ONE, TWO, THREE! And dumped him on top of the sixteen dead wolves rotting in the backyard.

Little Blue Riding Dress returned home and recounted the events of her day to her mother. Just an ordinary day. And they lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story: It’s not so easy to fool little girls, nowadays.

Reviews

[Jacob Clifford]

This was gold, from start to finish. The "father" (something or other, yes? :D), and his hilarious, elongated death. The mother and her milkman shenanigans. And I did a spit take when the little girl whipped out her gun. And then the pile of wolf corpses and that final line... Brilliant.

[Woody]

thanks heaps Cliff for such a generous review. I'm mighty happy you liked it. the name? spot on!
read morethanks heaps Cliff for such a generous review. I'm mighty happy you liked it. the name? spot on!
I had fun writing it and was hoping it 'd please the readers. thanks again.

[Jacob Clifford]

Was that it for the review, or did the Cafe cut off the end? I know sometimes when there's a "read more" at the bottom of the review, it just got eaten by the website.

[Woody]

yes Cliff the site does that sometimes, unfortunately. I think I said something like: I had fun writing it and hoped readers will equally enjoy it.

[MsJewel]

Love, love, love this twisted little fairytale! I seriously laughed out loud...
Brillant as ever Woody!

:) Julie

[Woody]

thanks a million Jewel. I'm elated :)

[M.E.Lyle]

Ah Woody, you never fail to make me laugh. I love this twist on Little Red Whatsername. Will those wolves never learn?

[Woody]

haha apparently they'll never learn :)
thanks a lot Mike. glad this made you laugh.

[Matching Socks]

You are such a super storyteller Woody!
I wonder, does she resemble the milkman by chance?
Two years is an awful long gestation.

[Woody]

aww thank you sweet poetess.
you noticed the two years! she must have elephant DNA or something. or else it begs the question: does she take after the milkman? but let's not spread rumours.

[Matching Socks]

Lol! Ok, won't spread rumours, we'll just go with her mom's an elephant. You know you're going to be unpopular with the big girls now though, right? ;)

[Woody]

oh shhhhhhhhugar! I put my foot in it, right? I've absolutely nothing against the big girls. in fact, I love girls of all shapes and colours. may I be struck by lightning if I'm ly -------------------------

[Matching Socks]

Do I smell smoke?

[Woody]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Woody]

that's a flat line. yes there's smoke and the smell of ozone (ozone?)

[Matching Socks]

:D 🔥 ⚡️

[Frieda P]

I love how you paint each scene so vividly, from Sam's unfortuante demise to badgers &
the dangling cigarette....I burst out laughing when I got to...haha

Now even in a nightgown and a cap, a wolf does not look anymore like your grandmother than Simba looks like Beyonce

Such an enlightening ending, Blue Riding Hood in the hood. ;)

[Woody]

thought you might like it :) thank you Frieda

[Jessica]

Very clever! It made me laugh. Well played.

[Woody]

thanks a lot Jessica. kind of you to stop by. glad I made you laugh.

[Claire in VA]

Your knowledge of the English language impresses
me. I teach children full-time and young adults along
with a few older adults part-time. Your skill surpasses
theirs by far. Your use of play on words, such as
"Thingarother" is incredible in all of your writes.
In this piece, I particularly like how you add to
scenes like how the dad dies. Ive seen it in other
writes of yours as well. You are one clever writer indeed!
I did see a few mistakes with grammar,
but perhaps they were intentional.
TERrIfic!!

[Woody]

thanks awfully, Claire. I confess I have a warm fuzzy feeling when a native speaker makes compliments about my English. I'm super glad that you like this story. no the mistakes are not intentional. I should be more careful. BTW. I'm developing a cric in the neck by looking at you sideways. I like to look at people in the eye when I'm talking to them.

[Beccy]

Great little twist. Loved the write all the way through, it had a kind of haphazard, zany flow that made the reading very enjoyable.

Beccy.

[Woody]

thanks a lot for reading and reviewing, Beccy. I had fun writing it and am glad you enjoyed my quirky sense of humour. I'm going to have nice dreams tonight :)

[Samuel Dickens]

Back in the sixties, there was a cartoon on tv entitled "Fractured Fairy Tales", and I believe this would've fit right in. A good one, Woody.

[Woody]

thanks heaps, Sam. glad you think it's good. I'm not familiar with the cartoon, I assure you so I can't be accused of plagiarism :)

[Nusquam Esse]

A clever write; I love how you expanded each scenario out into a more and more absurd situation. I mean, who was expecting the father to pass away in peace? Unlike his watch that is... I naturally enjoyed the way she just capped the wolf, and then how non-nonchalantly they tossed the corpse into the garden. Just another day? And wow, what a moral on this one! Thanks for the smile and chuckle!

[Woody]

I'm so happy you found this funny. I had fun writing it. and I enjoyed (!) killing the father who, incidentally, died two years before she was born :)

[Nusquam Esse]

Cuckold, Father, is there a difference?

[Woody]

that he is. I only said it as nobody commented on it and was beginning to think it was not obvious enough.

[Nusquam Esse]

You do state it pretty clearly, there is not much in the way of word play involved. I must admit that I am suspicious of how he died 'peacefully' in his sleep at such a young age.

[Woody]

hahaha. I, myself, am suspicious and I'm the one who created him.
no, no play on words involved but it was stated matter-of-factly and if one doesn't pay attention to the number of years...

[Nusquam Esse]

So is the real moral that mommy can still fool you? And snuff your father out in the night, after the 'watch plot' has failed?

[Woody]

haha that's funny! I'm almost sure the milkman's to blame. it's a classic story, isn't it? the father suspects something and something has to be done about it. I have a feeling they'll get married in the sequel.

[Nusquam Esse]

The daughter and the Milkman? :P It's okay, her father is already dead...

[Woody]

now that would be an interesting turn of events. she's proved to be a tough cookie.
milkmen seem to have all the fun. I think I'll be a milkman when I grow up.

[Nusquam Esse]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxsZvb2tioM

[Woody]

thank you so much N. I'm still laughing. I wish I could've thought of some of that :)))