so close!

a mentally deranged man is finally being released after he regained his sanity. or did he?

“So, Mr. Fitzpatrick, are you happy you’re leaving us?” asked Doctor Justin Seyn.

The head shrink was sitting behind his mahogany desk, tapping his gold fountain pen on the beige blotter and smiling benignly at his soon-to-be-ex patient.

Gerald Fitzpatrick had spent four years in Doctor Seyn’s mental institution. When he’d first come to have his head examined, he was kicking and screaming. A complete raving maniac who had to be restrained.

“Well, to tell you the truth, I am. But I’ll miss you Doc. And all the orderlies. You’ve all been so kind to me.”

“Thank you Gerald. Can I call you Gerald? We’ll miss you too, you know. Be sure to give my regards to Mrs Fitzpatrick.”

“Oh, I'm not married, Doctor. But I recently met this nice guy on the net, Patrick Fitzgerald. We’re planning to live together. I hope I didn’t shock you.”

 

“Of course not. Everyone is free to live their life as they choose." 

Provided they stay in their closet, added the Doctor under his breath. 

"What did you say his name was?"

"Patrick Fitzgerald."

"He's Patrick Fitz-Gerald and you're Gerald Fitz-Patrick. Mmmm, interesting. Now, I’ve been observing you for the past week. And I’m pleased to tell you that you’ve passed all the tests with flying colours.”

“Oh God, thank you, Doctor. You are too kind. I feel so much better, now. Remember when I first came here? Raving mad, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, you’ve come a long way my friend. Ok, one last test and I’ll gladly sign your release form. Ready?”

“Yes, Doctor. Fire away!”

“Right. Here’s a sketch of a human body. I’d like you to name the various parts indicated with an arrow. Can you do that?”

“No problem.”

Fitzpatrick took the 5 by 5 picture of a human body and gave it a quick scan. It was the picture of a naked man with scores of little arrows sticking  out of his body like acupuncture needles. He took a pencil and started writing while Doctor Seyn left to fetch coffee. When he came back, fifteen minutes later, Gerald had already finished his test.

“Already?” exclaimed the doctor. “I’m impressed. Let’s see. Mmm, amazing! You’ve even added things you were not required to put there.”

“Well, I felt it was incomplete. I hope that’s ok.”

“Oh, that’s fine. But what is this Philtrum?”

“Ah, that’s the vertical groove on the median line of the upper lip”, explained Gerald.

“Ehm, yes, of course, said Doctor Seyn, feverishly tapping the word on Google while hiding behind the flap of his laptop.

F*****g show off! thought Doctor Seyn.

“Ahm and what did you call the nose?”

“Ah, Kyphorrhinos. That’s a nose with a bump in it, Doc. That’s how it looked to me in the picture, anyway.”

“Yes, naturally”. Jesus! I’m tempted to keep the b*****d locked up. And what the hell is this Dactylion?

His fingers flew silently on the keyboard. 

The tip of the middle finger? Christ!

"Well, Gerald, this is absolutely perfect. I'm really impressed". 

His pen poised on the form, he asked

"How, in God's name, do you know all these things?"

Gerald crossed his legs and smiled. He tapped his index finger on his temple and said 

“Why, I use my arsehole, Doc”.

Author's Note

just a couple of slightly awkward moments. I hope you're not shocked.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm sorry to say I didn't quite get your twist this time. (Or maybe I did get it, but felt like there was a deeper meaning I missed?) I most enjoyed the various unusual terms used to describe body parts -- well done. I can't resist pointing out: early on, the doctor asks if he may call the guy "Gerald" . . . they've been doc & patient for years, yet this sounds like something you'd say to a person you just met. I also expected the Gerald & Patrick thing to be carried along a little further . . . or maybe I was hoping. As always, your writing & storytelling itself is impeccable!

[Woody]

Hi BG. thank you for the gracing my profile with your smile.
no deep meaning, I'm afraid. just an unfortunate guy about to be released who knows minute details about the human body and yet mistakes his brain for his arse. not so funny, perhaps?
the names. I didn't feel it was necessary to say more after the pun on the names: two gay guys, Gerald fits Patrick.... (crass?)
you got a good point about the using first names.
thanks again, Dear x

[wordman]

well ,i was shocked woody,where do you get this stuff from

[Woody]

damned if I know. they pop into my head and I can't disloge them. so I dump them here. sorry :)
read moredamned if I know. they pop into my head and I can't disloge them. so I dump them here. sorry :)
thank you vwry much for stopping by wordman.

[wordman]

my pleasure woodymyou know i like your crazy stuff

[Woody]

stupid site swallowed half my words again. don't even remember what I said. probably, thank you

[wordman]

i can see it clear woody

[Woody]

glitch's on my side, then. ok

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

When I am down and feeling blue
I know who to come to
To Woody's harem of mad hatters
Arseholes and their crazy chatters

Just a thought from me to you

[Woody]

hahahaha praise in verse!!!! :)

thanks a million, Dear
I hear you loud and clear
do come; you'll find more
the crazies will be galore

[Roland Petrov]

Graphically illustrates "talking out of your a*s". You had me laughing already with just the doctor's name. The contrast between what is said and what is thought is usually funny, and yours is no exception. You have other nice touches, too, like the going gay and the name of the partner. My one critique is that I think the doctor's remark "I believe you're not married" is too abrupt. Where did it come from? Maybe he could say something like "Say hello to your wife for me" and then let Gerald straighten him out.

[Woody]

thanks a bunch Roland. such a pleasure to see you have enjoyed this one.
say, it's been ages! nice to see you back. or are you?
in quite a few of the stories, I enjoy giving the characters meaningful and crazy names, though, sadly, the reader rarely gives them a second thought. I made the character gay so I could give the couple apt names :)
now, I could argue that the doctor knew everything about his patient from his file: name, age, marital status... but you got a good point. I think I'll make the change as you suggested.
thanks again Roland.

[Roland Petrov]

It's been fun meeting you again, so yes, I'm back. Even though the doctor might know everything about his patient, my question is: why would be blurt out "You're not married" right after he said "We'll miss you..." Those two things have nothing in common. But of course there's the possibility that Dr Just Insane is schizophrenic! Thanks for all the fun, Woody; I'll be back for more.

[Woody]

10-4! isn't that what the cops say?
you're right Roland. I'm convinced. really appreciate the insight.

[roarke]

Holy crap.... that joke is older than the pyramids...hahaahahahaaha, The way I heard it told, the guy points to his head and says "kidneys"..... ah, to each body part his own. Nice fleshing out of a simple joke Woody, your humor is in fine form.

[Woody]

thank you very much roark. good to see you back from time to time.
now, need I repeat that some of the stories have old punchlines but all the rest is entirely mine? trust me I don't know how the old joke goes.
thanks again roark :)

[Woody]

oh and any thoughts on the names? :)

[roarke]

on the contrary, no repetition necessary, I think using jokes as writing prompts is a great idea, I use old adages... Like lead a horse to water...etc. As for the names, they are fine.

[Woody]

haha just fine? take a closer look if you could be bothered.
thanks again roark. your feedback is always appreciated.

[Lydia Shutter]

Very clever and witty. Makes one wonder who is the doctor and who is the patient! Well written, Lydi***

[Woody]

thanks a lot, Lydia. he's not a very bright doctor, for sure. and jealous, too. I'm glad you found it funny.

[Will Neill]

Woody I' m total shocked!.......what awkward moments I had to endure reading this little gem.
You never fail to make my day. Thanks.
Will

[Woody]

thank you very much Will. I had funn writing this one. I sure am glad you liked it.

[MomzillaNC]

LOL!

NOTES: I thought you were going to eschew the Courier font face…

[Woody]

thanks a lot Momzilla. sorry about the font. this an old one I thought I'd feature for those who haven't seen it. I'll fix it.
NOTE: nobody mentioned the names. was wondering if you noticed them :)

[MomzillaNC]

YW. Your stuff always amuses.

[Kayja Symphious]

So for, this morning has been a complete laugh riot for me. This great story is a definite contributor.

Thank you for the smile.

[Woody]

the pleasure is mine Kayja :) I'm so glad I contributed in making your morning a happy one.

[Penlady]

Another good one!

[Woody]

thank you so much. I enjoy fooling around. glad you like it.

[Penlady]

I do! I am especially enjoying your play on words and fun twists in writing...clever...

[M.E.Lyle]

Alright, you crazy guy, you've done it again. I always know there's something coming at the end, and I am never disappointed. Your humor keeps me going. Now it's time for me to get up and do something funny, like look in the mirror, but that would be more like a horror show.

[Woody]

thank you Mike. come on man, don't sell yourself short. I'm sure the ladies still swoon whenever you cross their path. (I don't mean out of fright, now get me wrong)

[M.E.Lyle]

The swoon alright, but it's usually for some one standing next to me.

[Woody]

oh come on Mike! are you being modest?
I meant: DON'T get me wrong, above.