Aphrodite

do you believe in fairies? I do.

It was an unseasonably warm October morning though her Ladyship the Sun was playing peek-a-boo behind the fluffy clouds. The leaves had started to turn a beautiful golden brown, some still barely hanging from the limbs of trees but most formed a luscious yellow-brown carpet that covered the tree-boardered alley. The crackling dry leaves under my feet had a strange uplifting effect on me. The park was oddly deserted that morning. I had it all to myself. The joy of working from home. No office hours for me. I took a swig from the lukewarm take-away coffee and filled my lungs with the clean crisp air. A bird warbled somewhere overhead but I couldn’t identify it. It could’ve been a finch or a redbreast.

I got to my usual favourite spot and sat down on the bench facing the two old statues. As usual, I greeted Aphrodite first.

“Good morning Gorgeous. I trust you’re feeling well today.”

The voluptuous goddess didn’t deign to reply and continued to gaze loftily at the distance.

“And how are you handsome Adonis?”

That didn’t elicit a response either. It pained me to see these gorgeous masterpieces covered in grime and bird s**t. There they were, standing on their pedestals, stoically enduring the onslaught of the seasons.

A couple of pigeons strutted close by, pecking at the ground. I got my packet of sunflower seeds out of my pocket and (Gee, see what I’ve just said? Pocket? Because people usually keep packets up their a…s!)

Anyway, I threw them a handful of the black seed. They immediately dived in and a whole flock appeared from nowhere and joined the feast, including the ones perched on the statues.

Allow me to stop the narration at this point to make something clear. What you’re about to read will seem so phantasmagoric (where the hell does that word come from? Don’t even know what it means!) that many of you will roll their eyes and go “tsk tsk”. Only those who’ve already read some of my other stories will believe me. They know what kind of level-headed, serious, sensible, trustworthy and wonderful person I am. I’m not given to lying or confabulating (damn, who’s slipping these words inside my story?). If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I’d never have believed it. Back to the story.

As I watched the frenzied feeding of the pigeons, I heard soft fluttering of wings and raised my head, expecting to see another pigeon come join the party. What I saw instead nearly knocked me off my bench. There, in front of me, about six feet off the ground, hovered what I can only call a fairy. What else can it be? A stunningly beautiful creature with the features of a girl. She was almost transparent. She wore a very short skirt and had some sort of a tiara on her head. She was looking at the statues with longing. She approached them and I clearly heard her say:

“I grant you five minutes of human life.”

She then raised a wand and lightly touch each in turn. They instantly turned into flesh and bone. Aphrodite turned to Adonis and smiled. (Did you know she had a crooked tooth? Hard to believe, huh?) Adonis smiled back, stepped down from his perch and held his hand for his companion. They then rushed into a thicket among the trees. I saw the bush moving and heard the rustling of the leaves. The park rang with the sound of laughter and squeals of delight. There were oohs and aahs and a moment later, they emerged in the open, Adonis had a silly grin on his face and Aphrodite’s cheeks were flushed. Adonis looked at Aphrodite with a twinkle in his eyes and, breathless, told her:

“Tell you what. Now you hold the pigeon and I s**t on it.”   

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is one of your finer twists, my friend. I SO did not see that coming & I loved this payback. The writing is often bordering on graceful & elevated, so that this down-and-dirty ending comes as an even bigger surprise & contrast . . . not to mention that everyone is expecting something delightfully sexual!

1st paragraph: "tree-boarded alley" . . . did you mean "bordered"?
Also, last long paragraph is missing an opening parenthesis.

[Woody]

awww I just love your visits B. a big fat thank you to you. (that's a new one!) I love surprising the reader.
well spotted, Eagle-eye! I'll fix those.
oh and sorry to have disappointed you with the ending :) hehehe

[Angel Alli]

I laughed so many times while reading this. You have such a gift for comedy, and now I would like to read more of your work.

[Woody]

thanks a million Angel. I'm thrilled you found this silly story amusing :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing story. I was lucky and I lived three years in Germany as a young soldier. My favorite city was Florence. I roamed her often. I enjoyed the good description of the god and the goddess, and the conversation in the story. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[Woody]

thanks for taking the time Coyote. glad you liked. I've only been to Britain and Florence and god what a town that is!! definitely one of the most beautiful in the world.

[Coyote Poetry]

They are and you are welcome.

[AprilRN1210]

oh my goodness, Woody!!.. haha... you sneaky troublemaker.. I mean always making me giggle.. the ending was priceless.. as usual, you set the scene so well that the reader gets lost in this enchanting imagery, then add some meat to the story using little "hooks" enticing us, making it to where we HAVE to keep reading, then BAM! make us giggle with the funniest endings ever.. I can't tell a joke really to save my life.. I can tell embarrassing stories about me that makes everyone laugh, or use sarcasm and wit, but you have the ability to tell these amusing, entertaining tales with such finesse that you either are giggling all the way through to a hearty laugh, or you are knocked down at the end.. love this!.. another awesome write:)

[Woody]

you are the best nurse in the whole world! (hahaha pulling your leg of course. there are better ones than you) I'm laughing here :)))
thank you very much, Dear. your review is the first I've read this morning and I'm going to go to work with a spring in my step. TRA LALALALA!

[Donald Meikle]

I read this because you caught the humor in my work. Now I have to read more.

[Woody]

I'm a sucker for witty, humorous writes. thanks for stopping by :)

[Paul McCall]

You could easily make a good comedy writer Woody.
Paul

[Woody]

awfully nice of you to say so Paul. thanks for taking the time.

[Will Neill]

Woody, Another masterpiece , I have heard this joke told before but never read done so well. You are a great comical writer and have away of making your story more than a quick laugh getter. Loved it.
Will

[Woody]

thank you so much Will. I'm always thrilled to see you like the way I tell them.
always a pleasure to see you pop by.
I hope your novel's coming along nicely.

[Marie]

This is told ion such a level-headed, serious, sensible and trustworthy manner that I couldn't halp believing it. THough I had to read the ending twice before I really got it. I naturally thought...well, what anybody would think...

[Woody]

hahahaha you make me laugh, Marie. me, level-headed and serious?
yes you know me, I like to lead the reder in one direction and veer in a different one. but they finally got their revenge, didn't they?

[Marie]

Yes they did. It was totally unexpected.

[Beccy]

What a mixture. I wanted to simply laugh, but I did more than that. This is witty, and cleverly written and I enjoyed every word.

Beccy.

[Woody]

you make my evening Beccy. ta, luv.
you know, I've just remembered that story you wrote about God or gods (s****y memory!) that's humour and wit. I wish I could write something like that.

[Gibbons]

I love the absurdity of it! Statues of deities spending the mere five minutes they have been granted by defecating on a pigeon! The informal, conversational tone make this an easy read too.

[Woody]

thank you very much Gibbons. glad you enjoyed it. yes I like the absurd in humour. it's often unexpected and produces a few laughs.