Prologue

The basic background of where my story springs from. I have edited it slightly after some reviews. Hope this is more clear.

Prologue

 

Legend dictates that life was created for a single purpose: to balance the chaos within the universe. No one knows how, or when, but the creation of the entire universe did happen; and with that came the greatest secret ever kept. But to tell the tale within these pages, I must first tell you a story from a very, very long time ago.

 

In the universe, before consciousness was given to man, there were two opposing forces. One existing of the light and one of dark. This imbalance of waging forces led to chaos, improper evolution of monstrous proportions. It was this imbalance that spurred the fusion of both light and dark into two equally powerful yet separate beings. One born into form as a man and one as a woman. It is rumored that upon creation their power gave birth to humanity.

The Masters Tabum, as they became known, were around before the evolution of man. Before the first ape learned to walk upright and before the first mammal learned to birth life. Observing the mortal realm and all its sadness and beauty the masters decided that, after countless lifetimes, imbalance had crept back into the universe. Experimenting with their own powers they decided that they alone could not balance this doomed realm of men.  

Harnessing the powers of light and dark, and using mortal souls which gave life, they created four dutiful and precious children. Each immortal child was given the balance of dark and light and combined with human souls were given emotion such as empathy, guilt, sorrow, happiness, and anger. Immortal as their creators, they lived infinite numbers of years, keeping the balance of the mortal world. Unfortunately, in one child, was festering the sins of lust and envy. In order to trick her brothers and sister into overthrowing their immortal parents, she secretly created a being born of her own flesh and powers.

It wasn’t long after that envy sprang into being among these immortals. Fighting to create the superior being intensified their greed and lust for power. The four immortal children created a total of nine clans, each clan claiming superiority over any other. These clans were immortal, all born of the human souls that were harnessed within their creators. When the Masters realized that they had been ignorant it was too late. The clans were at each other’s throats, claiming superiority and rights to the mortal realm from which their creators sprang. They coveted moral souls, feeding on them to intensify their strength and power. The discontent lasted generations, blood spilled in the name of each clan. It was after hundreds of years of murder and infighting that there remained only two single heirs of pure immortal blood.

Born to the marriage bed of the children of the clan Caligo and the clan Decus, the heirs had culminated between them their strongest asset: the first Sangveris or blood power. With it they became most powerful and feared but the price for such power was a horrible curse. Being brothers brought about rivalry and with that it brought even more envy. Each brother claimed to be the sole heir to their parent’s heritage and in so doing became enemies. Upon their father’s sudden murder the clear path to war was set.

While the brothers gathered supporters from the remaining clans, they formed within the realm a clear separation in beliefs. One faction believed souls were most potent when faced with fear and destruction; the other believing that it is with happiness and hope that souls reached their maximum potency. It was over these beliefs that war had broken out. The details on how many lives were lost was impossible to estimate and the way in which the immortals battled was devious. Using pendants created by Sangveris, with the power to transfer the wearer from immortal to mortal realm, the clans lay waste to humanity and their world. Consuming human souls to bolster their fighting power, each faction brought chaos to the world.

It was in this chaos that the true intentions of each faction were revealed. Both factions wanted control over the universe however the main obstacle in their way was not each other but their immortal masters and creators. There was violent bloodshed, each immortal child meeting one gruesome end after another. It was only when the two factions set their eyes on the Great Masters that true danger and destruction was brought to the universe.

Even this did not end the discord. The only way to cease the bloodshed was for both sides to come to an agreement. This, The Great Masters feared, was impossible.  On the seventh night of the battle, it is said, that a great blinding light permeated everything, both mortal and immortal. When it finally faded there was a clear end to the war. The Great Master appeared between the two feuding sides and demanded their subjugation. However in his great arms lay the dead body of his great partner and love. She had sacrificed herself in order to create yet another realm so that each class could live separately and harmoniously.

And it was then that, in fear of backlash, the clans conceded to Master Tabum. It was he who had absorbed his great partner’s remaining powers in order to overcome the power of the clans. This is when the official separation of the classes began. The two feuding brothers were still alive and so each brother took the name of their parent, the eldest Caligo and the youngest Decus. As an eternal punishment for their crimes, all clans created by the immortal children were doomed to mortality. In order for them to prolong their lives they must absorb human souls.

To further shame the clans The Great Master gave a task for their remaining members and offspring. Blessing the other clans with Sangveris like the brothers possessed, Master Tabum created the separate classes of Consort and Guardian.

The purpose of their job was simple. Using their Sangveris the Guardians would bring life to a mortal when the life of a mortal was taken by a Consort. By doing so the departed soul would be absorbed and distributed to both factions. This was their fate from the beginning; The Great Master knew their beliefs so he used them to separate the classes. One class was forced to bring life and the other to destroy it. However, Master Tabum was not all cruel and he made a promise. He would choose, of the generations to come, certain beings to become immortal once more to redeem their spoiled heritage.

With the forming of a great council made up of the head of each remaining clan, presided over by Master Tabum, peace could be kept for future generations. However, the master was very strict on one thing in particular. The transportation pendants were meant to be destroyed. Easy transportation to the mortal realm was dangerous an in his great wisdom the master allowed each class to keep one pendant each to create their transportation windows. These windows worked as the pendants only on a much more specific scale. This allowed easy, safe, and monitored transportation to and from the mortal realm. 

Over the next generation new skills would be learned and because they had to consume life energy from mortals, a part of their own soul would split from them. At first it was chaos; parts of someone’s soul attaching to another being was a dangerous and painful experience. However this was all relieved by a suggestion made by Master Tabum. Instead of allowing the parts of the soul to wander and attach to random people or objects the clans would attach them to their weapon of choice. 

For nearly ten generations this has been the norm. The clans of demi-mortals became used to their new power and the separation of their soul; so much so that the history was no longer remembered by future generations. Their roots had been forgotten and even the elders had thought it best to avoid the details of the great conflict and their greatest dishonor.

 

So far peace has been kept for the past ten generations spanning uncountable years. This is where our story takes place. 

Author's Note

There is a graphic at the end of this short prologue. A genealogical tree. I can't put it on here because of the formatting. But if you'd like a copy of it just let me know. My main concerns is does it catch interest? Is it readable? Does the plot flow? Irregularities?

Reviews

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

This isn't bad. As a prologue, it works. The first few paragraphs were admittedly a bit confusing to get through (for me). Still, I like the idea, though you might want to explain how the realm the clans lived in wasn't the same place as where normal humans live.
I like the idea of Sangveris, or blood power. However, if you could explain exactly what that meant, that would be helpful. You just say the brothers had it, and it cursed them. I don't really know why it was important.
I could tell you to condense it down a bit, but I don't see any good way to to that (and you stated you didn't want to shorten it anyway). Actually, if anything, you may want to extend this a bit, and flesh out some of the things you talk about.
Writing a whole creation story and setting up the rules and logic can be tricky to do, especially when you're trying to get it all in the prologue (and not lose your readers with too much back story).
I could see this going places, and I'll be waiting to read chapter one. :)

Some content stuff:

"One existing of the light and one of dark. This imbalance of waging forces led to chaos, improper evolution of monstrous proportions." Why was there an imbalance if there were only two forces? Was one stronger than the other?

"It was this imbalance that spurred the fusion of both light and dark into two equally powerful yet separate beings." Why does light and dark combine and then split up again into two beings? How did this balance things out? Also, considering how you seem to switch to having only one Tabum later in the story, you could always have the merging of light and dark create only one Tabum. Unless the second Tabum is important later, you could probably do without him.

"Harnessing the powers of light and dark, and using mortal souls, they created four dutiful and precious children." But if the children were give mortal souls, wouldn't that mean they would be mortal? I do get what you're saying here, I just don't know if there might be a slightly better word you could use instead of "mortal".

"Unfortunately, in one child was born the sins of lust and envy, and in order to trick her brothers and sister into overthrowing their immortal parents, she secretly created a being born of her own flesh and balance." How does the one daughter making another being cause her siblings to become envious? And how would that help her get them on her side to overthrow their parents?

"It was only when the two factions set their eyes on the Great Masters that a clear imbalance had been created." A little confused here. Do you mean the two factions actually got to see the Great Masters or the factions set their sights on attacking the Great Masters? And why was an imbalance created when the factions set their eyes on the Great Masters?

"The Great Master appeared between the two feuding sides and demanded their subjugation." Is the Great Master, Master Tabum? There wasn't really any indication before that he was THE Great Master, and are there multiple Tabums? If so, what makes one different from the other?

"The Great Master appeared between the two feuding sides and demanded their subjugation. However in his great arms lay the dead body of his great partner and love. She had sacrificed herself in order to create yet another realm so that each class could live separately and harmoniously." Wait, what? We never heard anything about a lady friend before, or what her part in the war was before dying. (Maybe give her a sentence or two before this part, so we understand?)

"And it was then that, in fear of backlash and grief, the clans conceded to Master Tabum." So the clans were afraid of the Great Master(s?)? They didn't seem to really care about the Master before this, but now they are all wary of his wrath after his lady friend dies (if you give the lady a little more back story or link the relationship between the two, it would help this sentence out).

Remember, this is just my opinion, you do what you feel is right. :)

[Francis Bernath]

Hello!
No your review is very helpful. I never noticed those inconsistencies in the prologue. And the whole point of the prologue was to set up the world in which my character lives. So it is really helpful to me!
As for the imbalance it means that light and dark were always battling one another, fighting for control and in the process making chaos. Like the concept of yin and yang with both forces working together as one.
It is the combination of the two forces, light and dark, that are present in two equally powerful beings. The reason there is two is because these two beings also represent the feminine and masculine characteristics of the two forces. In order to for the balance to work there has to be both a feminine and a masculine concept. The two partners are a male and female entity which, upon their creation, brought forth the realm of humanity.
The mortal souls are actually a side effect of the creation of the Masters Tabum. Though able to die, unlike their unknowing Masters, their souls have an eternal energy or power that brings life, something the masters could not achieve on their own. At least not on purpose.
The creation of her own being means that she could raise an army of beings just like the original she created. This made her siblings envious because she was becoming more powerful than them. It’s the standard sibling complex. Who’s mommy and daddy’s favorite, you know? Also, she did it because she knew it would make her siblings envious and create their own beings which she thought she could take advantage of.
I meant the two factions set their sights on attacking the masters, who at the time, had been oblivious to the clans creation and even more oblivious to their separation into factions. The imbalance was in the human world because for the first time in mortal history life and death were not equal. People were coming back from the dead and others were creating life when it shouldn’t be created; like homunculi.
The Great Master refers to the masculine version of The Great Masters. This is my fault. I should be more specific with it. But like I explained earlier each one is a masculine and feminine version. This ties in with the lady friend comment. Lol She is his other half basically. I really needed to be more specific. YAY for reviews. I never would have thought about it before.
And they were weary of his wrath afterwards because she did sacrifice herself to create the separate realm so the two classes could coexist. With her death the balance shifted and the masculine version, The Great Master, gained what was left of her power after her death. This is what balances out the chaotic world during the war.
Your review was really helpful though! I didn’t notice this many plot holes the first time. Thanks so much!

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Ahhh, all of those explanations just made the prologue make much more sense! :D Glad my review was helpful. You did have great explanations for all the plot holes, all you have to do is stick them into the prologue and it'll make it a lot easier to read and understand what's going on. Good work, keep it up :)

[Erik-Bo]

Hello Francis,

I hope you don’t mind a nit-picking review of your prologue. Take what you find useful and please, ignore the rest.

Structure: Maybe change the following ‘…came the greatest secret ever kept.’ For ‘… came the greatest kept secret.

Clarity: Maybe change the following, since I think more women read than men. ‘In the universe, before consciousness was given to man, …’
For: ‘In the universe, before consciousness was given to human beings, …’

Structure: Maybe change the following for impact.
‘… there were two opposing forces.’
For: ‘… there were two opposing forces, light energy and dark energy.’

Clarity: Maybe change, since, for this prologue its not rumor. ‘It is rumored that upon creation their power gave birth to humanity.’
For: ‘With their new form and attraction, they created humans know as Masters Tabum .’

More info needed: ‘…this doomed realm of men. ‘
For ex: .. this doomed warring realms of men.

Clarity needed: Did the immortals actual eat mortals? ‘They coveted moral souls, feeding on them to intensify their strength and power.’

Clarity needed: Was the murdered father one of the four original children? ‘Upon their father’s sudden murder the clear path to war was set. ‘

Delete the following sentence since you already wrote that the clans are warring. Unless you describe ‘devious’.
‘The details on how many lives were lost was impossible to estimate and the way in which the immortals battled was devious.’

I found this history of your book a bit hard to follow since you recounted the second age of this new universe while not describing details. I think you’re setting up the third age of this world in chapter one.
I liked the description of the first age, it was clear and concise.
I would suggest that you trimmed down the prologue and only give the highlights of the second age (creation of immortal in the human form, their powers. Mortal, humans in the evolutionary form. The forming of the two clans and their war.)

I think you have a great history story to write from your prologue, like The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tokien.

I hope my review helps a bit.

[Francis Bernath]

Thank you so much. This has very specific examples and most of the "nit-picking" is really precise and answers some of my own unanswered questions about the pace of this chapter and whether or not it was a smart idea to include it at all. I mean, use it on the side but your suggestions have given me a direction to go in. Thanks so much! So helpful.

[C. Rose]

I agree with Sands. This prologue is pure telling. Consider writing a few relevant lines of scripture from your universe that hint at this.

Definitely don't delete, but don't start with this either.

[Sands]

What an interesting world you've managed to create here; it certainly has a lot of potential! Here are some of my concerns:

This prologue is difficult to follow. At some points I found myself going back over the last paragraph a second time to help make sense of the next paragraph which pulls my attention away from the actual story. The set up is complicated. That is not a bad thing in itself, but dumping everything on the reader at once is death to your story.

As a general rule I am not a fan of prologues. Mostly because writers tend to use them as a crutch by explaining things to the reader in terms of background before dumping them into the story, however; that is completely unnecessary and makes the reader lose interest. If you show your reader instead of just telling them, they will connect the dots and figure out the background and complexities for themselves. That's one of the best things about reading after all!

Here is my drastic suggestion: Keep this prologue on hand when you write, but try doing away with it for the reader's sake. Start instead with chapter one and dump the reader right in the middle of the action, and then have them discover the background along with your characters. (You mentioned that the history had been lost and most of them didn't know it any more - this is great because both reader and character can discover together, which will pull your reader into the world you have created!)

Of course, this is all easier said than done. Weaving the background in the story as you go is a difficult task (one I struggle with myself), but it can really bring your story to life. Try it with the first chapter, if it doesn't work you can always go back to using the prologue :)

I hope this helped.

[Francis Bernath]

Hello,
I am trying to rewrite the prologue to make it more clear. I was considering doing away with it entirely but I am afraid of how that would turn out. If I just drop the reader into the universe they won't know anything. They won't know what the characters already know. They don't know the secret history behind the founding of the classes but they are educated in the basics. I want to post the first chapter soon to get responses from readers. If they are good responses and believe that doing away with the prologue is a better idea then I definitely will. I am just worried that the reader, if there is no prologue, will loose interest entirely because there is no back story. An example would be that they are just thrown into this world and don't understand the point of any of it. Like why the first protagonist is like she is. I'm not sure. Throwing out the prologue just sets my entire story back. For me at least. Plus, prologues are always an option. You don't have to read it which I find to be useful because if they want to skip over it they can. Like you said, it is just a crutch. If they want to figure it out for themselves skipping over the two or three pages at the beginning isn't a big deal. I will consider it though. It worries me that maybe I haven't been clear enough about it.
Thanks so much though! It was really helpful and I really am considering doing away with it. I'm just not sure how to take the story from prologue to no prologue. :)

[Taurean X Hunter]

This was really interesting, I'm looking foward to reading more of this. I could tell this book will have a cool dark atmosphere to it, which is right up my alley.

[spitballing]

There's a couple of problems with this. To point them out and give you some help.

1. This in movie terms is an opening text crawl. All it does is state plot points that the reader really needs to know, but there's no actual story or characters. It just and only sets up the world. The problem here though since all it is, is needed plot points, is that it doesn't really get the reader to interested. That's why opening text crawls in movies are made really short and afterwards something drastic always happens to catch the viewer. Think of the opening of Star Wars: A New Hope. The opening text is short and then BANG! space battle. This is just to long. It needs to be shrunk down and then you have to do something quick to grab the reader.

2. It's also hard to follow. You point out that beings here are immortal, but then you have some of them die. You even have a war brake out! It is explained lightly how they could die, but not to well. I was a bit turned around about how a war with immortal beings could even work.

3. "No one knows how, or when, but creation happened" this is a nit pick, but you say no one knows and then go on to create an explanation for how life did form and make up a back story for creation. So, ummm, we do know how creation happened. :)

Anyways, I think this needs to be reworked a bit. A lot of what is said here should be somehow put into the main story and this should be shrunk down. That's just my take though.

It is though cool that you came up with your own little world with its own little logic and rules. A lot could be done with it.

[Francis Bernath]

Thanks!
I did make the prologue long and detailed about the world which the main characters are a part of because there has to be some background. Detailed background. If I just made it short like the Star Wars crawl (which I LOVE by the way. Rebel Alliance!!) readers would be even more confused. Very confused actually. As for something to grab the readers attention, that is the first paragraph of chapter one. Starts out quite dark and very interesting. So I did balance it with that. But this background is very important for a reader to understand in order for the plot to work.
As for the immortals, it is quite easy for them to kill one another. When I say immortal I mean they do not age past a certain point, they don't die of natural causes. But if an immortal were to, for example, stab another immortal with a blade or chop their head off or something, they would definitely be dead. Like the basic vampire rules really.
I did try to keep creationism out of my work. I'm not big on claiming that one God or another created the universe but I think everyone can agree that the universe is full of opposites. When I said no one knows how or when it happened I mean the creation of the entire universe. Everything from the smallest of moons to the suns and galaxies. The great expanse that is reality basically. No one knows how that was created in my story but in this chaos of opposites, two beings formed from light and dark. It was with their existence that the earth, or mortal realm as I call it in this book, was created. When the balance between the two beings was achieved.

That's basically it. I definitely don't want to shorten the prologue in any way. There is even a graphic that goes with it explaining the complicated mess that is the genealogical tree. But it isn't posted on here because of formatting reasons. I am really excited to be working on it and creating my own work. I really appreciate your criticism. It gives me a change to look at my work differently and make changes. Thanks again!

[spitballing]

You immortals may die with ease at the hand of other immortals, but that has to be said to the reader. It really left me saying, huh?

But I do understand if you feel that backstory is needed. It's your story, your call. Glad to help where I can. Keep up the good work.

[Francis Bernath]

Thanks again! I will definitely have to make it clearer. :D