From daughter to dad

This is a poem about a narcissistic parent.

"What is the problem ?" 

 You often asked, out of frustration 

 You couldn't relate 

 If it was not yours, there was not a problem

 How could you have known? 

 How would I have told you ? 

 "You are the problem, dad". 

 And then I did, 

"You are the problem, dad"

 I said. You flipped, 

 you would always flip

 and fling whatever it was in your hands 

 onto the floor 

 so it would lay there, in shame 

 like the actual culprit.

 Sometimes it was a plate 

 one time it was a remote, 

 once it was money 

 flung in arrogance, 

 what a sight it was

 but now I was 16 or 17, I didnt care 

 that you flip, or so I thought 

 But I did. 

 Each time you were angry, 

 I felt a little less human.

 Why do you hurt me, dad ? 

 "I never did."

 "You did."

 I am hurt.

 "I didnt know you would be so sensitive

  I didnt know the affect it would have on you".

  You said, and you continued 

  your march of crushing the hearts 

  of those for whom you mattered. 

You hurt me

From your being and from your not being. 

You were everywhere on 

my school admissions, my passport,

you were my guardian

and yes, you were even there sometimes when I needed you 

Remember the time I had a fight with my friends and confided in you 

you said, "see I told you never to trust your friends."

That was when I knew, I knew the problem was you, 

you were never going to be there. 

 

 Each time since then when you 

 wanted to shift the blame 

 I knew. 

 You were a manipulative, malignant narcissist. 

 But you were also my father. 

 Do you know dad, 

 how much it hurts to 

 turn around and see that the scars that are burning now 

 were aflame before ?

I know, you are old now, 

Half of me feels sorry for you 

when at night I lie in bed 

I almost forgive you

You were troubled,

but why were you troubled ?

I wish so much that you had not 

caused me such anguish 

People tell me some dads are worse 

But I thought every girl deserves better

I thought the meter to guage a good parent

should not compare 

against other awful parents

 

I know,

 before you say it, I will 

 No, I am not a perfect daughter

 I made you cry

 but You teared easily too 

 when the pain was yours 

 

 I do feel guilt 

 I wish I didnt hurt you back 

 I wish I was the wiser one 

 

  So, after all these years 

  after crossing over to 30 

  while I am packing my bags to finally go away 

  on my own journey 

  

   I will leave with a baggage 

   of wishes that never came true. 

   

   Dad, you had so much 

   you had it all, 

   health and love

   people

   who cared for you 

   who stood with you 

   I wish you knew, 

   if you only knew. 

   

Reviews

[sette]

there is a lot of pain in the poem but hopefully everything will be healed in time